When Life Gives You Lemons

Learn a Language!

There are few things more challenging or rewarding than learning a language. For the past ten years, I have been trying to learn Swedish. My progress has been intermittent at best, but I am now dedicated to a few short lessons every day. I began when my son spent six months studying in Lund, Southern Sweden. I imagined long visits and extended stays, but as often happens in life, things didn’t go to plan. In the end, I only got to spend 48 hours there!

So my studies trailed off, but my intention to master the language and eventually spend some time there never did. My love of all things Scandinavian, like all good obsessions, started young. When I was six or seven, my family was due to travel to Denmark for a farm holiday. I was ecstatic and convinced (don’t ask me why) that this was the location of Enid Blyton’s Faraway Tree . For some reason involving travel supplements I didn’t understand, the holiday was cancelled and I was heart-broken. I consoled myself with Moomins and Mrs Pepperpot and found, as I grew older, that my love for this region had not abated. If anything it had grown: I loved Scandinavian design, thrillers and their eminently sensible way of life.

Flying the Swedish flag Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Language reveals who we are

I think that we all have countries other than our own for which we have an affinity or at least a passionate curiosity. Learning the languages of these countries will not only give us the ability to converse with the natives, but to access the intricacies of their literature and culture. Reading texts in the original, as all bilingual speakers will tell you, is infinitely richer than reading in translation. Why? Because words, phrases and idioms resonate far beyond their meaning. They express something about the very essence of the country.

My husband’s old boss (who was Swedish) puzzled over why we had so many words for the same thing in English. ‘Take the word road,’ he said. ‘Swedish has three words; you have dozens.’ So what does this tell us? I think that it shows the pragmatism of Swedes, a, ‘Call a spade a spade’ approach . And what it reveals about the English is our preoccupation with precision, the right naming of things, the tremendous possibilities of language. We have the largest vocabulary in the world and a very long list of words for road, all subtly different from one another. See how many you can come up with.

The family tree of language

English is fascinating because it is derived from and related to so many other languages. At root, an Indo-European language with a strong Germanic base, it is seasoned with French, Latin and any number of other borrowings. When learning another language, these relationships become more apparent. We see that our ‘foreign’ neighbours are not so foreign. Since I have a Scottish background, there are even more Swedish words that seem familiar: hus , grat and barn are very similar in pronunciation to the Scottish, hoos (house), greet (cry) and bairn (child). I love these connections, because they highlight my history. It is woven into our words.

Brain training through language learning

Though I doubt I shall be getting to Sweden any time soon, I am diligently following my course. This time I chose Duo-Lingo, as it allows you to review your learning constantly, and I, for one, need endless reminding. My goal is to be fluent enough that I can read Pippi Longstocking in the original and to spend a month in one of the many little lake-side holiday cabins one summer.

This may take some time. Pippi Longstocking in the original: Photo Karen Costello-McFeat

Yet, I have a more important reason for following this rather whimsical path. Learning a complex language such as Swedish is seriously challenging for my brain. With a neurological condition like MS, the brain is constantly being assaulted and sadly, mine has plenty of legions. But I am a great believer in neuroplasticity – the idea that, with work, we can reroute the brain and keep it functioning.

If nothing else, I am also getting older and ageing affects the functioning of the brain just as it stiffens our joints and depletes our energy. The good news is that just as keeping fit and healthy diminishes the effects of ageing on the body, mind training can do the same for the brain. The bad news is that the ‘no pain, no gain’ rule applies. Just as a five-minute walk each day won’t give you a significant physical benefit, nor will a desultory look at the crossword. We really need to stretch and challenge the brain to reap the rewards. This is where language learning comes into its own. Language learning is difficult. It requires masses of concentration, learning new words and untangling the complexities of a foreign grammar for a start. And it is these strenuous mental gymnastics that force the brain to create new neural pathways and ‘keep fit’.

Research consistently shows that, ‘Learning a second language benefits cognitive abilities like intelligence and memory, while lowering risks of brain aging, dementia, and Alzheimer’s’ https://bebrainfit.com/benefits-learning-second-language/ All of these are surely great objectives.

Now is always the best time to begin

So, if you have been meaning to learn a new language, now would be a great time to start. Being stuck at home is not even an obstacle, since there are endless options available online from Podcasts to interactive lessons and, when normal life resumes, community colleges and private tutors offer a variety of courses. There really is something for everyone – even Star Trek fans. They can learn Klingon.

I have a dream. Living in a house by the lake. Photo by Inès d’Anselme on Unsplash

Ghost Life

My diary for March was filled with good things: visits from friends and relatives; meals out and any number of coffee dates. April too was keenly anticipated with a weekend away to Oxford and tickets to see some of my favourite authors at the literary festival. May was even better. We were going to the US to spend ten days in the Hamptons with my family. What a wonderful year! And then, on Tuesday 17 March, all plans were void, all visits cancelled.

Life BC (before Corona) and AC (after) Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Where once were appointments, were now cancellations. Because of potential problems resulting from my MS, I self-isolated early and absolutely. I noted 9 June in my diary, as that was the initial date when we could safely emerge into the world. It seemed a very long time away. And until I reached that date, I would flick through the pages and see what I was supposed to be doing. The exercise was unnerving. It created a sort of ghost life, one running parallel to this surreal existence bordered by my boundary lines.

Ghosts of the past

Now, five weeks on, I reflect on life before the virus with nostalgia, as if it was from another era entirely. How I loved those craft mornings with friends, trips to Birling Gap, weekly calligraphy and choir lessons! Intimate chats with companions now seem like a luxury. I miss all these things deeply and each time the days when I would normally engage in them come around, I am haunted by their absence.

Ghosts of the future

All those hopes for the future, all those dates in the diary which promised such happy times were now evaporating. The squiggles on the page, which represented such joyful expectation, now taunt me. When I reached the date where I had noted the need to renew my ESTA (American travel visa) and get my travel insurance, I wanted to cry. Daydreams of days spent on the beach, cuddles and stories with my granddaughter, outings with my son and daughter-in-law were just that: dreams. Yet, my visualisation of them felt so real. Now, it is like looking at a Polaroid print moving in reverse, the image gradually fading to white.

My hefty, page to a day diary remains on my desk (I do need to remind myself what day it is) yet the pages remain sulkily blank. Here’s June’s entries:

Nothing to look forward to? Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Like Scrooge’s ghost of the future, mine does not fill me with optimism. Like everyone, I wish I knew when this would end and, as the days and weeks pass, I realise that there is no answer to that and certainly not one that would cheer me. My mood dips and soars on a daily basis, the uncertainty of it all enervating.

Any time but now

Yet, in my wiser moments, I remember that life has always been like this. We spend endless thought, time and energy reflecting on the past and anticipating the future. Regret, nostalgia, optimism and fear are entirely human emotions, which colour our feelings and, in extreme cases, unbalance our mental health. While in the thrall of such emotions, they feel absolutely real, yet they exist outside of the actual and in the realm of thought only. Few of these emotions bring us contentment: our optimism is often misplaced just as our fears are often unrealised. Like the folkloric Will-o-the-Wisps, their intangible luminosity often leads us to bogs of despair.

Meeting Will-o-the-Wisp Image: An 1882 oil painting of a will-o’-the-wisp by Arnold Böcklin.

Putting the ghosts to rest

Living in a constant state of uncertainty, and even fear, is the fate of most of us in this unprecedented era. Many will find it unbearable and their health will suffer. But, if this blog is about anything, it is about coping with new and often unnerving change with grace.

We need to lay the ghosts of the past and the future to rest and focus on the only thing that we can control-how we conduct ourselves at this very moment. The world will not be the same for years to come. And though we cannot alter this, we can play our own small part in making the future a positive one. If we can receive each moment with gratitude and act in the interest of others wherever possible (and simply staying at home is beneficial), we can incrementally build a world that is kinder and gentler. And I, for one, think it worth the effort.

Changing the Narrative

We are all expert storytellers: weaving the flotsam and jetsam of our daily lives into a coherent and meaningful tale of existence. We expand on the interesting and unusual while we toss the mundane. We draft and redraft until we have a narrative that we believe accurately and elegantly tells our truth.

Unfortunately, this is not the whole story. What we select and what we choose to ignore tells as much. Of course, we cannot include everything, but what we do tends to fit into grooves of thinking we have worn over decades. What we see and how we interpret it is defined by our histories, our temperaments and our social views. We are not so much what we eat as what we think.

At first, this suggestion seems unnerving. It is deeply uncomfortable to realise that our view of things might simply be wrong or misguided. (Which is not to say that someone else’s is the truth. It is simply their truth.)

What will your story be? Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

But to realise that our reality is malleable, flexible, subject to revisions is infinitely liberating. We are living through unprecedented and disorientating times. And although we cannot ultimately combat the deadly virus that swirls around us, we can choose how we respond to it.

Due to my health, my husband and I have self-quarantined for a month now. We have gone no further than the post box down the road and spoken to no-one in person other than the neighbours from a safe distance over the fence. Is it weird? Yes. Is it frustrating? Of course. But do I need to make this time a tale of woe? No.

From the bare facts, this could easily have been a narrative of boredom and isolation, but if we deliberately choose to rewrite it, we can. For years, I have longed to go on retreat, to have time to think and read and create without the world’s intrusion. This proved a classic example of, ‘Be careful what you wish for!’

When I discovered that I would have a minimum of twelve weeks of ‘retreat’ ahead of me, it felt a little overwhelming. How could I possibly fill my days? I took a bit of time to work out some daily tasks and projects I would like to complete. Clearly, I was over-ambitious, as my to-do list is still very long. Against all expectations, last month has been one of the happiest.

Having my husband home has been a delight, since most of our married life, work has kept us apart. Mealtimes are a celebration (not least because food can no longer be taken for granted), my house and garden have never looked so loved and my Swedish is coming on admirably.

My friends have all been brilliant at keeping in touch via various social media platforms and regular phone calls. On the days when I would normally get together with someone, we telephone instead and keep each other up-to-date that way. It is not the same as sharing a coffee, but it keeps our bonds strong. Even the kids have been better at video calling, and I get to read stories to my infant granddaughter.

Excellent advice! Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

And I never fail to be amazed by the creativity and ingenuity of others who have found ways not only to overcome adversity but to triumph. I’m stopping for my on-line choir in a moment; wonderful friends are using their sewing skills to help make protective equipment for front-line workers; others are visiting and doing shopping for those who can’t do it themselves.

If we change the narrative from one of victimhood (I’m isolated, bored, restricted) to one of gratitude (I have my home, my family, my friends etc) we can entirely reshape our experience.

I do not say this flippantly. I fully appreciate that we are only at the beginning of these very uncertain times. And though we may be the authors of our lives, we cannot control the twists and turns of plot. What we can control is the central character – us.

It takes effort to swim against the tide of anxiety and terrifying headlines; it takes effort to constantly think of ways to ‘make the best of things’. But however difficult it is to keep writing comedy while tragedy is all around us, I for one am hoping for a happy ending.

Your Day

What better way to round off a series of posts on living beautifully than with you? These last few weeks have left us all frazzled. We have had to be infinitely flexible as, weekly, our worlds have shifted under our feet. Some of us have moved from home working to furlough, most of us are concerned about the financial implications and all of us, I’m sure, are worried that we or someone we love will succumb to this hideous virus.

Amazingly, everyone I know is keeping upbeat and doing everything they can to keep things ‘normal’. My choir (and my teaching) have gone on-line, neighbours are checking in on each other, my WattsApp account is filled daily with joyful photos and hilarious clips. But when your husband has to get up in the middle of the night to secure a slot for your grocery delivery; the furthest you have walked is to the mail box and the only other people you have spoken to in person are your neighbours over the fence, eventually, one starts to sag.

My antidote is this. Give yourself a day in which you nurture yourself; a day in which the worries of life are banished; a day in which you both live beautifully and make yourself beautiful. This spa day will cost you pennies, but I hope will refresh and recharge you for the weeks ahead. Ideally, take a whole day to do this, but if this is not possible, pick out the bits that appeal and do them. A little self-care can do wonders.

Preparations

Choose a day and put it in the diary. Easter is almost upon us, so everyone should have some days off
Make sure that you have clean fluffy towels to emulate a spa experience
Find all those lotions and potions that you have stuck in the back of the drawer, because you never have time to use them. Now is the time.
Have some delicious snacks available and a jug of water to hydrate and detox
Have the ingredients ready for a simple lunch and dinner too (or even better, get someone to make it for you)
Do no housework or other chores. There is always tomorrow for that
As promised, this is an economical spa with luxurious results. In addition to your choice of beauty products, everything you need should be in your kitchen. And all the media links will be here – so all you have to do is press play!

The schedule

A great day starts from a good night’s rest. If like me, sleeping is always a bit of a hit and miss affair, start your day whenever you feel ready to face the world. If that is closer to lunch-time, so be it. This is your day for indulgence.

A mug of hot water is always the best way to cleanse the system – but if you reach for a coffee – I won’t tell. Just try to stick to water from now on.

An empower shower

This is not your usual dash in and out affair. Take your time. Play with all those fun lotions that you never remember to use. (I’m going to be using a body scrub that has sat in my chest of drawers for too long!) Wash and condition your hair.

These lovely beauty products are about to be put to use Photo: Karen Costello-mcFeat

While your body is clean and damp, apply body moisturiser generously remembering your poor feet and ankles. After chemo, my skin still has not resumed its usual elasticity and I sometime feel I resemble a reptile more closely than a human, but I shall be using something fragrant and special on my spa day and leaving the industrial E45 moisturising lotion for another time.

Apply a face mask

This is something that I never do, but really should. I’ve made up a recipe from ingredients I had and you can adapt to what you have available. Since honey is at a bit of a premium at the moment, I’ve gone for a simpler version using oats and olive oil. (If you have almond oil, that is even better.)

A face mask that is good enough to eat! Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Rose and oat mask

To make the mask, simply mix a scant 1/2 cup of rolled oats with 2 tablespoons of rose water and 2 tablespoons of plain water. (Or all water) Stir well. The oats should be just damp. Mix in 1 teaspoon of rose petals if you have them plus 1 tablespoon of olive oil. Leave to infuse. Makes enough for two+

When you are ready for your mask, simply scoop the mixture into your hands and rub over your face, neck and upper chest. Place two slices of cucumber over your eyes, lay back and relax for 15 minutes. Rinse off the mask with warm water, splash with cold water and pat dry.

Your face will look radiant and taut.

A little mani-pedi

By now, you should be feeling relaxed and lovely. There is one last thing to do and that is to trim, moisturise and pamper your hard working hands and feet. This is usually a task I do quickly and efficiently, but for my spa day, I took my time, massaged my feet, rubbed any dry parts with moisturiser and took care to trim my nails as nicely as possible. Some of you may wish to add some varnish, but since I spend half my life pulling bindweed from the garden, painted nails are not for me!

Refresh!

After all that ‘hard’ work, it’s time to recharge with some lovely, minty cucumber water and perhaps a light lunch!

After lunch, make space for an activity that is just for you. I love making flower arrangements, reading a book or even taking a nap. Yesterday, I joined my on-line choir for a good sing. Whatever will refresh you – do it!

Bringing inspiration in Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Yoga

After all this pampering, a little gentle exercise is in order. I use an excellent CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn, but you may have another instructor that you love. Yoga and other activities such as Qi Gong, Thai Chi or a good walk are a perfect way to end the day.

Dressing for dinner

Now you are looking tremendous and feeling relaxed, it’s time to enjoy a good meal. Dress for dinner and put on make-up if you would normally. If you are isolated, book a video chat with a friend or family member and share your meal that way.

The rest of the evening is yours to enjoy, though I would advise against too much social media or any news. We don’t want to destroy that lovely equilibrium.

And just before you go to bed, I’d recommend a short meditation. You can reflect on your day quietly or follow a guided meditation. The one below is my favourite.

A great way to end the day

When I first started thinking about this blog, I envisaged a day of pampering and self-indulgence. But what I found when I did it, was that it was a day of honouring my body. It was not frivolous but mindful. Our bodies do so much for us that once in a while, we should remember to do something for them.

I wish you a relaxing spa day and a very happy Easter.

Arts and Crafts

“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
William Morris

William Morris has never really gone out of style and I believe that he still has much to teach us about living a life that is both aesthetically and practically pleasing. He was at the forefront of a movement to bring craftsmanship back into a world where mass production was the norm. And this was the nineteenth century! Although his main focus was textiles, his ideology spilled over into other mediums and continues to this day.

His philosophy was simply this: whenever possible, buy or make objects that serve a purpose and bring joy to the viewer. We are blessed with thousands of artisans in this country – and they need our support. In a world of built-in obsolescence and fast fashion, we can gain a great deal from the slow world of the hand-made. Recently, I used a bequest from my late father to buy a hand-made quilt. It is the best memorial. It keeps me cosy at night and cheers me every morning when I look at the intricate design.

My spring quilt by Louise Bell Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Choices, choices

Of course, not many of us will have the time or skill to make something as exquisite as the quilt above. However, we can all make our lives a little more beautiful by investing in making practical objects for our homes or for our friends.

For me, choosing a medium is the hardest thing. There are so many wonderful arts and crafts to choose from. I confess to dabbling in quite a few, but I suspect that paper is my true calling. Origami, card making, paper cut, art journaling and calligraphy are all paper based and an endless form of entertainment. They are also very cheap. If you mess up an origami shape – you only waste a square of paper – and I have wasted dozens.

Recently, I have been blessed with the friendship and guidance of a professional calligrapher, Mary Shemza. If ever there were an exercise in patience, it was this. But pen, ink, paper and letters are what I live for, so this is clearly the medium for me.

Practice makes perfect(ish) Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

And this is how it’s really done:

Where art, calligraphy and poetry meet Image: Mary Shemza

I think that I have mentioned my craft group before, and what a talented bunch they are, with their skills encompassing: painting, pottery, needlework, quilting, paper crafts and knitting. And I’d like to honour them here with a sample of their work.

We are all amateurs, but I hope they will inspire you to take on one of these arts/crafts. An MA in Fine Arts is not a requirement for a fulfilling artistic life.

Painting

Each week, Jane C dazzles us with the latest work on her painting. It is fascinating to watch how a painting progresses and encouraging too. This is not a one off flash of brilliance, but a steady layering of skill until the final version is ready to be admired.

To stretch her already considerable talents further, Jane attends a weekly art class (now being conducted on-line) and I would encourage anyone attempting to take up any new skill to take advantage of tutoring/lessons. It is often tempting to think that we don’t need guidance in such matters and there certainly are many excellent self-taught artists out there. However, I don’t believe in making life more difficult than necessary. I’m very happy to learn from another’s mistakes and take advantage of their knowledge. I don’t have time for five or six years’ study at art school – so I’ll thank and learn from those who have!

Pottery

Another friend, Penny, has caught the pottery bug. She attends lessons at an arts collective in the town. Like many of the arts, pottery does not come cheap; however, by accessing materials and a kiln at nominal cost, she is able to pursue a hobby that might otherwise be prohibitively expensive. Having the advice of skilled potters to hand has also led to very high calibre work.

One of the advantages of this art is that it fulfils the requirement of being both useful and beautiful. I use her delightful cake plate regularly. William Morris would be proud.

The same applies to my other two friends who are brilliant needle-workers. Through their expertise with needle and thread they are able to transform the most simple of things – fabric – into beautiful and useful items. Jane B is the queen of quilts (and helped me make mine for my grand-daughter) and Jenny is the empress of embroidery.

Simple pillow cases are transformed by beautiful stitches Photo: Jenny Timberlake

A handmade quilt is a source of visual delight and comfort on a cold evening Photo: Jane Belcher

Each often uses their skill to make gifts for loved-ones and friends. And these gifts are far more precious than any store bought ones. So our hobby becomes an act of love, imbuing the object not simply with their unique qualities, but affection too.

Over the years, I have received a number of hand-made gifts that I cherish to this day. Some of the kindness, like the hours my friend Joanne must have spent making me a quilt after my MS diagnosis, is more than I can repay. Except in gratitude.

A square of Joanne Godden’s quilt Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

And living beautifully is all about this – being grateful for the abilities we have and sharing the results . We do not need to be a member of a craft guild to qualify, we simply need to participate.

So, in these weeks and perhaps months ahead when life is so uncertain and isolated, I urge you to reconnect with a hobby you enjoy or perhaps find a new one. When life gives you lemons … create.

Top Notes – Making Music

Music certainly plays a large part in living beautifully. So much so that it requires its own post. Having suffered from an extremely irritating infection (not Corona – just a bog standard cold), I found that my vocal range didn’t extend much above middle C. This was somewhat problematic, as I’m a soprano!

Imagine my joy, therefore, when I found my voice had recovered sufficiently to sing. Imagine my despondency, though, after finding my voice, I lost my choir! Like all group enterprises, it has been forced to stop while the Corona virus stalks the nation. It will reconvene when it is deemed safe to do so, but that could be months away.

Fortunately, there is a solution. A few years ago, my choir mistress designed an App that allows you to sing as if you were at an actual choir session. This is a tool that I have often used to help me learn my part, but now it does much more than that.

With my little App, I can learn the lyrics, separate out the sopranos from altos, tenor and bass or bring them in to give me a sense of everyone being there. If I’m feeling brave, I can even record myself.

As things stand, this was clearly very prescient of Jane. So if you fancy singing in a choir but are unable to attend, this is perhaps the next best thing!

Sing Along – with YouTube!

When I’m on my exercise bike, I often use YouTube to find music to keep my spirits up. Occasionally, I would notice that the lyrics were included on the video and I’d try to sing along. (This does give away how weedy I am, as one should never be able to sing whilst exercising. But I’m just trying to keep my parts moving!)

The upside of this discovery was that I realised all I needed to do was key in the name of the song and add plus lyrics to give me an interactive experience. Now there is no excuse for only remembering the chorus.

Join a virtual choir

If you want to go one step further, you may want to check out Gareth Malone’s virtual choir. https://www.classicfm.com/artists/gareth-malone/choirmaster-gareth-malone-home-chorus-coronavirus/

I’m not sure if there are any places left in it, but I’m sure the results will be informative and entertaining as always.

Make a joyful noise

Since most of us have considerably more time than we are used to having, now might be the time to get the guitar out of the attic, wipe off the dust and start strumming.

I have played the piano intermittently since I was eight, but the pleasure I gain from the activity never wanes. And the joy of music is that you can share it. Only a total philistine would fail to be delighted by a delicate piano piece in the evening and if classical music is not your thing, it is not difficult to master a few chords on the guitar. With these, you can invite the family to sing along to their favourite rock or folk tunes. Even the humble recorder can make a truly lovely sound.

A word of caution though. Only the saintly (or your mother) will wish to listen to your practice, so if you are thinking of buying or returning to play an instrument, I’d recommend an electronic one you can play with head phones or commandeering a spare room. There are few things more demoralising to a budding musician than being asked to stop playing a piece again.

My piano, which never fails to bring me joy Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Listen

We are not always in a position where we can sing or play, but we are usually in a position to hear. And what we listen to will bring different benefits. I’ve outlined the key forms here.

Classical music

Classical music is often seen as a ‘high brow’ option, but if we remember that opera – the most elitist of all musical forms – was originally a sort of soap opera with music for the masses, we should not be intimidated.

In addition to being, well, exquisite, classical music can be seriously good for us. The benefits to cognitive function, are, I believe well-known, but I was surprised to learn that it can also combat pain and depression as well as lowering blood pressure and aiding sleep. A dose of Classic FM a day may well keep the doctor away and make us more creative and productive in the process.

Pop and Rock

Whilst most of the benefits from music accrue from learning an instrument or listening to classical music, its popular cousin has its advantages also. The main one appears in fitness training: it should make you run faster (though I am hardly in a position to verify this). I certainly does make the time pass happily and aids in my motivation whilst on my exercise bike, though.

Whilst there is no evidence to suggest it will make you smarter, it can certainly make you happier. A good blast of a pop anthem is pretty much guaranteed raise as smile and listening to music when driving helps relieve boredom and even road rage. It can assuage anxiety too by providing a distraction from the stress of negotiating busy roads or apprehension concerning an upcoming meeting or appointment.

But if you really want to relax, then meditation music is designed for you.

Mood and meditation music

A moment of calm Image: Photo by Deniz Altindas on Unsplash

Music and spiritual practice are as co-joined as Siamese twins. The use of music in religious ceremonies is as old as time itself. The music may vary, but the intention is the same: to link the human with the divine.

When we listen to or sing certain forms of music our brain frequencies tune in and begin to mimic them, which is why listening to gentle mood music is so calming.

Meditation music helps an individual focus and become relaxed and mellow.
Zliving.com

Meditation music has all the benefits one would expect from a restful and gentle sound: reducing stress, heart rate, anxiety and even muscular pain (by relaxing the muscles). It can also help with those suffering from tinnitus by providing a background noise that quietens the ringing in the ears. And if you want a good night’s sleep – listen to meditation music for forty-five minutes before you go to bed and enjoy an adult version of the lullaby.

Whatever form of music you enjoy – singing, playing or listening – it is sure to add a beautiful note to your life. As for me, I’m keeping my spirits up by practising the wonderful Andrews Sisters’ song, ‘Accentuate the positive’. Here’s the first verse:

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with mister in-between

Definitely the song of the season.

Live Beautifully

In these crazy days, as the Corona virus locks us indoors, I thought it might be timely to do a post on something positive: living beautifully. When our lives are filled with activities and deadlines, it is sometimes difficult to make space for the finer things. Yet, these are what make life worth while. They do not require an immense amount of time, money or effort, but if we try to incorporate living beautifully into all that we do, I believe our lives can be transformed.

I have been inspired by friends who always made an extra effort to make a simple coffee date into an afternoon retreat. By taking time to lay a tea tray with pretty cups and linens, they immediately graced the moment with care and friendship. They may have added homemade goodies, flowers or prettily arranged food. Nothing was showy or intimidating (this is not the objective), but they were clearly acts of love.

We do not have to spend a fortune on a gift to show we care. Whatever we can afford, it can be made more precious by a piece of ribbon or pretty paper. So what of life? This is surely the best gift and deserves the prettiest bows, the most gorgeous paper!

My daily reminder on my black board. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Time is on my side

For once, time is definitely on my side. As I fall into the ‘at risk’ group, I now have twelve weeks (or 84 days!) of zero social commitments! On the one hand, this is a pretty horrible prospect – I’m already missing my friends – but on the other, I have the good fortune of my husband sharing it with me and a number of ideas of what I can do in this huge expanse of time.

Having time to think is always a luxury and one we do not afford ourselves often enough. Now is a perfect opportunity to reevaluate our lives and perhaps consider ways that we could make our lives a little better. I’m going to start with all the things that make me smile and bring joy (Marie Kondo’s decluttering advice is more than just about tidying the house).

You might like to do a mind map too of what brings you joy and make this an interactive experience!

Here’s my list in no particular order: friends and family, flowers, food, books, music, writing, letters, art, exercise and work. So how can they make life beautiful?

Friends and family

Since I am currently isolated, this is definitely the hardest one! However, a judicious use of social media means that we can keep in touch via any number of platforms. Regular video contact with the kids keeps me sane and talking on the phone is always a pleasure. Seeing and hearing others allows us to avoid the many pitfalls that can arise from the misreading of a text.

Another way we can write thoughtfully is through letters. It may be a lost art and postal rates increases do not help, but there are few activities more enjoyable than penning and receiving letters.

To make it ‘beautiful’ I invest in gorgeous stationery. I usually use a fountain pen so that my writing is as attractive as possible and also as meaningful. If you slow the rate at which you write, you are more likely to express your thoughts as you intended.

Modern life means that we often live at a distance from friends and relations, but letters and cards, more than anything else bridge that void. I have a wonderful friend in Yorkshire who is a keen letter writer and despite being separated from the age of ten, we still keep in touch regularly. On the rare occasions when we are able to meet up, we start our conversations as if they had only broken off a day or so ago. The same applies to distant friends who email with the same care as a letter. And some of them have discovered beautiful email stationary, thus merging the beauty of letters with the convenience of modern communication.

Receiving and writing letters is always a joy Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Words

While we are on the topic of words; books are a ‘go to’ for making life beautiful for me! They have the power to thrill, uplift, entertain and inform us. If we make time to read, we are making time for ourselves to tune out of the everyday world and tune in to our imaginations. I believe we are both refreshed and healed by the experience.

Enjoy the sunshine

This has been in rather short supply this year and its rarity makes it all the more precious. In the narrow window of sun we had today, I determined to head outside and do a little gardening. Though I only managed about half an hour, the smell of the earth and the sun warming my bones made me feel wonderful. Excavating the lilac trees from a carpet of ivy was also very satisfying and and my garden is a little more beautiful as a result.

While there, I also took my secateurs to cut some spring flowers for the house. I didn’t take too many, but they made a sweet little bouquet, which will certainly cheer my kitchen.

Even the smallest bouquet, inexpertly arranged, will raise a smile. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Food art

Despite the fashion in very expensive restaurants to make their minute portions of food look like a modernist painting, flourishes don’t have to be grand to make food appetising. Here are some of my very simple ideas to make food a visual as well as a gastronomic joy!

Add seed sprinkles and herbs to dishes like soup for extra pazzaz.
Invest in nice china – charity and second hand shops have an abundance at very low cost.
If having a modest sandwich, add pickles and fresh veg sticks for colour and texture.
Eat at the table and if you are feeling fancy – add napkins and flowers. For a special occasion, hunt out the table cloths.
Add sliced lemon (and possibly ice) to drinks. It always makes it feel more of a treat.
The list is really endless, but making mealtimes a ritual that has meaning will make it so much more than a refuelling stop.

Be beautiful!

I’m going to finish with one that seems a little obvious but is often over-shadowed by unrealistic expectations. If we hope to feel good about ourselves, it is important to invest in ourselves. Appearance matters -as much to us as those that see us.

When we are home with no visitors, the temptation is to lounge about in our pyjamas and slippers, but I think this would soon eat away at our self-esteem. Even when working from home, most experts advise dressing for the office in order to get your head in the right mindset. I would not suggest you do that, but why not take care to select a nice outfit, do your hair and make-up and (this took me a while to get right) add some matching jewellery?

Shallow though it sounds, when you look good, you feel good. Self-care is not selfish, nor is living beautifully (when done with the right intention) showing off. When we live beautifully, we are expressing that we value all of life’s gifts and appreciation and gratitude, as we know, are always good for the soul.

The Reading Cure

As anyone who knows me knows, I am a total bookaholic (or bibliophile to give its proper name). I adore books and read all the time. I am fairly indiscriminate: if it is in print, that will do. Packaging blurb, newspaper articles, novels and texts are all grist to my reading mill. And I require a constant and varied supply. Should I be denied anything to read for more than a few hours, I become as cranky as a toddler before nap time.

What am I reading at the moment? The Body by Bill Bryson (an introduction to human biology); the novel, Whistle in the Dark by Emma Healey and Shakespeare’s sonnets. Strictly speaking, I am not reading the Bryson book, my husband is reading it to me and more on that anon. Fortunately, unlike most addictions, reading is a very inexpensive one. Even an exquisite hard- back that offers hours of entertainment is unlikely to cost much more than £20. More often than not, my reading matter is free or cheap – borrowed from a friend or bought at the charity shop.

Life holds few greater pleasures than a cup of tea and a good book Image: Photo by My Life Journal on Unsplash

And if the joy of entering an imaginative world were not sufficient, it seems that books have yet another gift: they can make you well.

Books as medicine

Freud had the talking cure; bibliotherapists have the reading one. Though there is no empirical data to support this, anecdotal evidence from those in the mental health professions all have faith in its efficacy. Reading, it seems, like Heineken, reaches other parts other approaches cannot reach.

But here, the quality of reading matter does matter. A recent article in The Times explained that:

‘Classic works of literature by William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and other great writers can boost your brain and relieve depression, chronic pain and dementia – while self-help books are a waste of time.
Andrew Gregory, The Times, 1 March, 2020

Only when we are challenged in our reading – by more complex vocabulary; unpredictable plots and interesting phrasing and imagery, do we concentrate properly and thereby reap the benefits. Skim reading and easy texts and layouts (typical of the self-help genre) do us no good at all.

While reading great literature stimulates the brain, it opens our minds to the experiences of others and a realisation that what we may be suffering is not limited to ourselves. As Shakespeare put it so precisely:

It easeth some, though none it ever cured,
To think their dolour [unhappiness] others have endured.
Shakespeare, ‘The Rape of Lucrece’

Knowing we are not alone, eases our pain. Misfortune is isolating, but when we read about others who may have shared our troubles, we create a bond with a fellow sufferer. And unlike living relationships where we often conceal our faults and fears; fictional ones reveal theirs to our gaze. As a result, one often feels one knows more about characters than close relations.

Only connect

Reading and connecting with characters in books can significantly help with mental well-being. By adding a reading group, where there is both literary and social interaction, you can amplify the benefits.

The joy of reading with a friend! Image: Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

My book group has now been running for 26 years and still contains many of its original members. Though I doubt we can remember the titles of all the books we have read and discussed, we do still share the pleasure of each others’ company and memories of many happy evenings.

Book groups can be formed by anyone and if you are struggling to find other interested readers, groups are almost always on offer at your local library. Some reading circles will make the evening an impressive affair with themed food or even speakers, whilst the more modest might simply offer a cup of tea. Mine, I must confess, is never short of wine! How you plan your group is entirely up to you, but sharing a joy of reading is enough to ensure a good outcome.

Bedtime stories

Most of us will have fond memories of being read a book at bedtime as a child. There is something infinitely reassuring and restful about listening to another voice. Sadly, this practice usually stops when we are able to read independently.

It isn’t only babies who enjoy a story at bedtime

For many years now, my husband and I have read to each other at the end of the day (well, if I’m honest, my husband is more likely to read than me!) We are not alone in this: the owners of our favourite bookshop do the same. Often, reading for adults is seen as only applying to the visually- impaired, sick or elderly, but there is no reason for this to be the case. Everyone can enjoy the experience. And if you don’t have a reader of your own, audio books can be of service.

Reading aloud – and especially with others – does marvellous things and if we are feeling down or anxious or depressed, it may well provide the very lift we require. Though no-one seems to be able to quantify this scientifically, I think there are numerous components to why it soothes us – just like a sleepy child.

Reading aloud to another requires close proximity and feeling close is always a lovely feeling. Listening to a familiar voice telling an unfamiliar story, causes us to concentrate in ways that do not tire us, yet relieves us of more troublesome thoughts. Listening to a book – whether ‘live’ or recorded- encourages mental stimulation, increases our general knowledge and expands our vocabulary.

Knowing that the next ‘episode’ of a book will be read later in the evening, inevitably gives the end of the day a certain delightful anticipation. Sharing a book also provides a subject to discuss that is removed from the quotidian. But what I love best is that it permits us to turn off all the electronic distractions and instead focus on each other and the words on the page. Few would question that bedtime stories are good for children; perhaps it is time to remind ourselves and others that they are good for adults too!

Life in the Slow Lane

Taking it slow and admiring the view Image: Photo by Erik Nielsen on Unsplash

All my life I have been a hare: rushing from one activity to another, my mind on the task ahead before I finished the one I was engaged in. Only after my relapse and enforced rest in the hospital did I morph into a tortoise. At the time, I thought this was a temporary transformation, while I worked on recovery. But it soon became apparent that life in the slow lane was my future, and despite my initial chafing, I soon realised what a blessing it was.

And it seems that I am not the only one who can see the advantage of taking things slowly. There is an entire movement devoted to it! Carl Honore describes it this way:

“It is a cultural revolution against the notion that faster is always better. The Slow philosophy is not about doing everything at a snail‘s pace. It’s about seeking to do everything at the right speed. Savoring the hours and minutes rather than just counting them. Doing everything as well as possible, instead of as fast as possible. It’s about quality over quantity in everything from work to food to parenting.” — Honoré.^[3]

Let’s unpack this a little.

Doing everything at the right speed

For me, doing everything at the right speed generally means quite slowly. After years of juggling and multi-tasking, I have come to love this. Even the most mundane of tasks, such as washing dishes or chopping vegetables, becomes a joy and not a chore. When you focus on what you are doing, it is an opportunity for mindfulness.

Bringing our full attention to a task enables us to rest in the activity. I know that seems a contradiction, but it’s true. Being fully absorbed is very tranquil. All the silly thoughts and worries that usually compete for our attention like manic toddlers in a ball pit are replaced with calm, unhurried contemplation. Perhaps we think of the meal we are in the midst of preparing, the texture and colour of the ingredient or perhaps we even feel gratitude for nature’s abundance and our access to it. Such musings improve our mood while getting what is needed done.

Savouring the hours and minutes

While we rush from one thing to another, time always feels like the enemy: breathing down our necks and urging us to race until our lungs burst. It is a brutal slave master, who can never be satisfied.

When we slow down; however, time does too. It seems to unfold to permit us to truly savour our activity, no matter now prosaic. When I am doing art or piano practice, time is no longer relevant, only the page, only the notes. When we bring this practice to our friendships, it allows us to listen with a depth we have not imagined possible and for our friends to feel truly heard.

Quality over quantity

It should come as no surprise that attentive work results in better work. If we can discipline ourselves to slow down and work with care, we are almost guaranteed that what we produce will be pleasing to us. This is not to say that we will always be perfect, but allowing ourselves time means that we can adjust for mistakes and avoid them.

Take driving for example. If we are rushing along, perhaps even speeding, we will be unable to brake or swerve safely if some misfortune befalls the person ahead of us. Or we may miss our turn and be forced to make a long, circuitous detour to get back on track. Or we may simply be raising our blood pressure to dangerous levels in our obsession with reaching our goal in record time.

As with driving, so with life. If I am making a meal, I can continually make micro adjustments to flavourings as I go, ensuring the final result is just how I want it. We can focus on quality when we give ourselves time to do so. The slow movement began with a protest against a fast food chain. I don’t think I need to write further on the difference in quality of fast food versus a home-cooked meal.

For a fuller discussion of The Slow Movement, I encourage you to watch the TED talk below:

Getting things done

This is all very well, you may argue, but I have got a lot to do! No doubt, but the strangest thing of all is that I found I am able to do more not less now that I live more slowly. Whilst at the beginning, I was being driven crazy by my less than cooperative body, now I find the restraints it puts on me quite positive. Rushing and multi-tasking are no longer options, but that doesn’t mean I do nothing at all. If anything, my life is fuller than before and infinitely richer.

How?

And here’s the secret. With MS, we are urged to think in terms of time not task to avoid over-exertion and paying with hours of fatigue. It took me a long while to get my head around this and I still forget sometimes and pay the consequences with dizziness, nausea and hours lying on the sofa. But this idea of allocating a specific amount of time to an activity is immensely helpful.

Many of know the time and motion quote by Parkinson that says, ‘Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion’. Though he was concerned with bureaucracies, we are all aware of how often this holds true in the workplace and even the home.

If we allocate a small and reasonable amount of time to do something, more often than not, we complete it. This may be because we are not trying to do anything else (multi-tasking) or because we are more focused and productive.

And if a task requires more time than we can manage in one session, we simply have to break it up into its component parts. As Henry Ford said:

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
Henry Ford

Building a car is a daunting prospect, but by allocating small tasks to a large number of workers, he was able to produce a car in as little as 93 minutes!

I would not suggest that you make your life a production line, but by breaking up tasks, it is quite amazing what you can do with no ill-effects to your health. It has also given me hope for the future. It is likely that my stamina will decrease as my disease progresses, but this way of living makes that far less of a scary prospect. I shall simply have to divide and sub-divide tasks into their manageable portions and not give them up altogether.

Slow is not being lazy or doing nothing. It is simply changing priorities. As Guttorm Floistad points out, it is reminding ourselves of what is essential and in doing so, improving our own and others’ lives.

“The only thing for certain is that everything changes. The rate of change increases. If you want to hang on you better speed up. That is the message of today. It could however be useful to remind everyone that our basic needs never change. The need to be seen and appreciated! It is the need to belong. The need for nearness and care, and for a little love! This is given only through slowness in human relations. In order to master changes, we have to recover slowness, reflection and togetherness. There we will find real renewal.”
Professor Guttorm Fløistad

The ancients had it right. Slow and steady really does win the race, as Aesop suggested in his fable. Winning is not just reaching the finishing line either; it is making the journey an enjoyable and fulfilling one where we appreciate the landscape and the people we meet along the way.

Get to know your inner tortoise! Image: Photo by Nick Abrams on Unsplash

Receiving

Jesus was right, it is, ‘more blessed to give than receive,’ (Acts 20:35) and more contemporary neurological studies have supported this. All the evidence points to the fact that giving somehow makes us ‘richer’, whereas receiving makes us ‘poorer’.

This paradox is not an easy one to live with when illness or need makes us a receiver. I know that I am both dreadful at asking for help and often apologetic or embarrassed when receiving it. As a result, I often don’t seek assistance and struggle along making myself exhausted and irritable.

Giving is easy – receiving is not. Image: Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

This post is an exploration of why that might be. And though I clearly believe in the benefits of giving , (see my last post, ttps://whenlifegivesyoulemons.blog/giving/ ) I am also aware that gracious receiving is a skill too, though I am still working on acquiring it! So what makes it so hard?

Vulnerability, weakness and shame

Do these words make you feel uncomfortable? I know they do for me. Even writing them makes me want to shift topic, make a coffee, take a break. Yet, living with a condition in which we need help means that feelings of vulnerability, weakness and shame are always close at hand.

When you cannot run from danger, you feel vulnerable. When your body doesn’t do all the things you want it to do: walk, lift, carry etc, you feel weakness. When you are unable to support yourself financially, you feel shame. In fact, simply being a rather less than optimal human being creates these feelings and with that comes a diminishing of our self worth. And to be honest, no amount of encouraging comments about how ‘great’ we are doing reduces this. Such comments, though well-intentioned, only make us fear the point when we will not be doing so well.

Brene Brown has researched and written extensively on the subject and in many ways, broken the taboos surrounding it. We can all suffer from these negative emotions, yet, if we can acknowledge and work on them, we can ‘dare greatly’. I’ll let her explain.

Empathy is the antidote to shame
Brene Brown

Empathy

Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy puts the giver in a position of power, looking down on the person who suffers. Empathy, on the other hand, sees them as an equal, and relates to their pain, as an equal. An empathetic person is able to ‘walk in your shoes’ and in doing so, understand. Yet, this is a very difficult thing to do.

Because if we are to do this, we have to shed our own desire to be better, stronger and more capable. We have to drop our guard and be vulnerable too, which is never comfortable. And we have to listen carefully and without judgement.

I’ve got you! Image: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The world does not encourage us to do this, either. We are urged to compete with others and ourselves. We are taught to strive and gain status. We are told over and over, overtly and covertly, that only winners matter. Only when we are able to fight this great wave of assumptions can we even come close to being empathetic.

But empathy is what (we all) need to grow as humans. When we are offered help in an empathetic way, it is easier to accept and good generally results. However, if we are made to feel small or useless or diminished by our asking, we simply won’t and this may lead to unpleasant and unnecessary consequences.

The pride myth

One of the reasons given for not asking is that the person is too proud. This is spoken of as a good thing. ‘Oh, so and so is too proud to ask for anything. They do x,y and z by themselves.’ Their struggles are held up as examples of their fortitude and stamina.

Don’t get me wrong. I feel that we are all responsible to do absolutely everything in our power to live independent lives and be as little a burden on others as possible, but when I hear these words, I often think how convenient it is. Since they are too proud to ask for help, we need to nothing but congratulate them on their self-reliance!

It seems, too, that everyone has forgotten that pride is one of the deadly sins – not something to be celebrated at all. An elderly person who is too proud to give up driving even when their eyesight is failing and their reactions slow, is a danger to themselves and others. This is not independence but folly.

Receiving well

A proper thank you! Image: Photo by Sebastián León Prado on Unsplash

There is a knack to receiving well and I’m working on it! Many of us, when given gifts say, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have’ or are embarrassed by the giver’s generosity. It takes a certain amount of courage to smile widely and say ‘thank you’! Because, at bottom, many of us don’t feel we deserve kindness.

And our lack of self-esteem is harmful to both ourselves and the giver. When we receive with reticence and awkwardness, we are diminishing the pleasure of the giver too. They wanted to make us feel happy, not uncomfortable.

Practice

As with all things, practise makes perfect and the best way to start is with compliments. If you find yourself muttering things that deny or undermine a compliment, stop, smile and say thank you. When you see something or someone you wish to compliment, do so. It might well make their day! Sadly, most of us spend our lives in a swirl of criticism (much of our own mind’s making), so a kind word, well-received, can be a real balm.

Receiving gracefully

It is perhaps worth remembering the origin of the word grace was ‘God’s favour or help’. This was not necessarily requested or deserved, but simply given.

When we can learn to receive gracefully, I believe that we can enrich both ourselves and the giver. This way, blessed are both those who give and those who receive.