Tag: catastrophising

Too Many Lemons

Too many lemons Image: Thitiphum Koonjan on Unsplash

After surviving the onslaught of catastrophes and strains that filled January and early February, life hurled one last lemon and my lemonade making capacity was exhausted. Returning spent but triumphant from my long walk from my art teacher’s, I made the mistake of reading the news. A freak and terrifying cold front was descending on the North East of the USA.

This was the day, of course, that my son and his fiancee were driving the seven hours from Pennsylvania home to Maine. Why worry, you may ask. Well, the news was filled with car wrecks and mayhem and the terrifying information that ten minutes outside would lead to frost-bite. Something as simple as breaking down could prove fatal.

Hazardous conditions Image: Remi Jacquaint on Unsplash

And when they Skyped on Sunday, full of cheer and stories, I felt like an idiot. Once again, I had allowed the fear of what might be to add to my fatigue and low mood.

Concerns over the future are only natural. Worry is often a sign that we care. But when we allow that worry to impact ourselves by affecting our mood and energy levels, we need to try to reign in those natural emotions.

MS is often triggered by extreme stress. Mine certainly was. My youngest was off volunteering in the US wilderness and less than ideal in communicating; my mother was planning to put my father into care. And so on, and so on. The result was my body capitulated to a chronic illness.

And sadly, too many serious conditions start this way. Relentless anxiety does no body any good.

Getting back on track

Exhausted, fed-up and generally grumpy, I had to find a way back to better health. By the end of the weekend, I was headed in the right direction and despite my daily battle with fretting about the Russians, I’m looking forward to a good month ahead.

If you are struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life, here are some ways that work for me and I hope will work for you.

  • Get some rest For me that has meant a great deal of sleeping and napping whenever I need to and trying not to beat myself up for being so pathetic. Fatigue is a very large part of my condition and fighting it is pointless. Most of us benefit from giving ourselves a proper rest. Everything is overwhelming when you are tired.
  • Night frets Four am seems to be the preferred time to wake and fret. My friend joked that we should set up a group chat then, since we are all awake anyway. When anxiety strikes, our disturbed sleep is often the first indicator. I would love to have a solution for this (and it would make me very rich) but all I can suggest is acceptance. I try not to watch the clock but rather to take it as a moment of rest -I’m under a cosy duvet after all. Meditation is also a good option. And sometimes these quiet moments allow us to find solutions to our problems. Like fatigue, going with it rather than against it paradoxically solves the issue.
  • Accept your feelings Recently, I have started to be much more honest about my feelings. Instead of reverting to the ‘I’m fine’ response, I tell the truth and say that I’m tired, angry, fed up or sad. Expressing it out loud to yourself and others, often improves things. Acknowledging and accepting how you feel frequently leads to that emotion quietly evaporating. Expressing it to others lets them know that you need more careful handling and that your silence or sadness is not their fault.
  • Write it down My morning pages work as a kind of therapy. There is nothing like exploring something that bothers you on the page to help you see the situation clearly and perhaps even find a solution. It doesn’t take long, but needs to be done in a quiet space without interruption. Keep writing until you feel there is nothing more to add. Don’t be afraid to look at the worst case scenario and how you might cope.
  • Find some time for what you love and energises you Take me outside for more than five minutes and my mood is guaranteed to lift. A little gardening and the scent of damp earth; a coffee in the spring sunshine; playing ball with Hermione in the garden – all of these are my resets to good mental health. The company of friends and crafts and art also do the trick. Make time for your happy places.
  • Be grateful Even when we are in the depths of despair, there is always something that we can think of to be grateful for. I begin each morning with a ‘Thank you for this day.’ Life itself is a gift. If we have nothing else, we have our breath.
Wise words Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Lemonade production resumes

I nearly didn’t write this post because I was feeling, well, so tired and crabby! But action, in whatever form, is always better than inaction. My situation means that life will continually be hurling lemons and I have a choice to be subsumed by that or to make the best of it. So far, the proactive route has kept me more active and able than I dreamt possible.

This week, I had a wobble, but that’s okay too. There will be many more in the weeks and months ahead, I am quite sure. However, by accepting life’s unpleasant surprises (since I certainly can’t control them) and consciously looking for joy and beauty, I plan to keep those times to a minimum. I hope you can too.

The Dangers of Anticipation

The idea for this blog came from my husband. ‘Why don’t you write about the dangers of anticipating a specific future?’ he said.

One disappointed baby. Image: Ryan Franco on Unsplash

It certainly sounded an interesting topic and one that we are all too painfully aware of following the endless cancelled plans during the pandemic. My son’s wedding is also on our minds: so much arranging, expense, organisation and energy for a fleeting day. What if anyone gets sick; flights are cancelled or delayed? What if, what if, what if.

Which is when I started to think of the flip side of anticipation – the dark side, if you will, that says that everything will be a disaster. Catastrophising is just anticipation turned on its head. So my musings today will be on the dangers of each and if I can, I shall offer some ways we can curb, if not entirely avoid, these hazards.

The Perils of Perfectionism

Perfection! Image: Leonardo Miranda

Life, as we know, seldom goes to plan, yet still we invest in a future event that we hope to be perfect: a holiday with ideal weather; a new child with exceptional gifts; a celebration that goes without a hitch. What are we thinking?

When we expect or even hope for perfection we are positively taunting the gods into action: that is, to foil us.

Reality
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

My own wedding day, which turned out to be a very happy one, began on a different note. I will not bore you here with all the things that went wrong, but for a moment there, I thought my husband might be walking down the aisle by himself!

Managing expectations

Here, as in all the other important occasions of our lives, we need to ditch the Hollywood, airbrushed model of life and simply enjoy the moment as it is. Often it is the very things that go awry that break the tension and allow us to laugh at ourselves. More often than the things that went perfectly, they are the stories we pass on to our own children. Not being perfect doesn’t mean terrible. It only means true.

Managing expectations doesn’t only apply to the major events in our lives, it applies to all of it. Has my life turned out as I expected it to? Hell, no! On any objective scale, it is an absolute disaster. Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Whatever I lost: employment, my previous, beautiful home and my health has been compensated. I may not be able to work, but I can write and create. I love my new home even more than the previous one. With poor health has come acceptance and understanding. I could never have foreseen such. How could I when we are brainwashed into thinking that ‘negative’ change is always disastrous?

Aiming high not aiming low

Having said all that, I do think that it is always worth doing the very best you can. If we aim high and fall short, we are just a little off our goal. If, in despair we aim low, we cannot achieve any more than that. Often, when our expectations are thwarted, we imagine there is nothing worth striving for. Such an outlook may protect us from a specific disappointment, but it ultimately leads to a disappointing life. So aim for wonderful and hopefully you will enjoy something good.

Sometimes you hit the target. Sometimes you don’t. Image: John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

The Siren Song of Catastrophe

Perhaps it is my age, but I seem to be surrounded by folks who, like Chicken Licken, are always pronouncing that the sky is falling in. The latest news story throws them into a tail-spin of epic proportions. The media, of course, thrives on such and social media is its amplifier.

And the temptation to catastrophise is seductive. There are few things more exciting than a disaster (so long as it doesn’t touch us too closely). The energy crisis, for example, was set to see us all shivering in fingerless gloves in a sort of Dickensian dystopia. Except, it won’t. The Government has taken steps to avoid that. Catastrophe over. What’s next?

Predicting disaster has energy and drama to it. Suggesting that everything will be fine, does not. The benefit to catastrophising is a rapt audience, news to tell and excitement, but the disadvantage is that it skews our whole view of the world. When we are constantly focused on the worst case scenario, we are ignoring all the very magical things that are occurring in front of our eyes. We are not experiencing the now, as Eckhart Tolle would put it, but only an imagined (and terrifying) future.

In the most damaging variant of this, we create a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy. We convince ourselves that our plans will never work or succeed and, sure enough, we are right. For if we act without faith, we cannot hope for victory.

Illustration for Chicken Little, 1916 Image: Mabel Hill

In the fairy tale, Chicken Licken and his followers are led into the fox’s den. In the original, they are eaten by the fox, thus demonstrating that by believing in the worst, we head straight into it.

In later, more sanitised versions, the chick and his companions escape, though cannot remember what set them on their path in the first place. For who remembers the media-fed terrors that haunted us only weeks ago?

If all the unexpected events in my life have taught me anything at all, it is this. Our control over the world is scant indeed, though it need not cause us to fear, because if we accept what is offered each day with grace and thanks, there is little that can upset our equilibrium.

Of course, I look forward to future events – our trip to Maine for my son’s wedding most of all. However, knowing that there will be set-backs and problems allows me to enjoy that anticipation with less anxiety. And if the sky really does fall in? Well, I’ll just deal with that when it happens.

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