Friendship – When Life Gives You Lemons

Flower Friday

As someone who frequently suffers, like Winnie the Pooh, from having ‘Very Little Brain’, I have to create mnemonics to help me remember all the tasks that running a household involves. Since I have A LOT of houseplants, I decided to nominate Fridays for watering them. So far this seems to be working. When I exclaimed that my plants needed attention because is was Flower Friday, my husband assumed that it was thing: a day to give and receive flowers. What a lovely idea, I thought. And nothing is a ‘thing’ until we make it one. So here’s my suggestion, that on Fridays, we give our attention to flowers. Perhaps we remember to water them, or to make an arrangement or give a bouquet, large or small, to someone we care about. And of course, we are not restricted to Fridays. Every day gives an opportunity to celebrate flowers.

**A host of golden daffodils** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The power of potted plants

Much has been written about the benefits of filling your home with plants, so I thought I would check what the medical website, WebMD, had to say about it. Plants, it seems, are mini medics acting as air filters purifying the air of dust and pollutants whilst simultaneously increasing humidity and oxygen levels. Most of us know that plants improve mood and help us relax, but I was astonished to discover how they also improve our concentration levels and academic performance. ‘Students in classrooms with three potted plants performed better on math, spelling, reading, and science tests than kids in classrooms without any greens.’ (WebMD) Perhaps, rather than filling our schools with smart boards, we should be filling them with plants!

**Spider plants are back!** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

In addition, they have important healing powers: improving both our mental and physical wellbeing. Bringing flowers to someone in a hospital bed does more than add a little colour to the ward. ‘Researchers found that people who had surgery got better faster if they had plants in their room or even a view of the nature from their window. They also tolerated pain better and needed fewer medications when surrounded by greenery.’ (https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/ss/slideshow-health-benefits-houseplants) With so much to offer for so little effort and cost, I now feel justified in getting some more.

Garden flowers

The last week or so the weather has been exceptionally fine and almost warm, so I take my breakfast out to the garden each morning. With the arrival of spring, my garden has erupted into a blaze of yellows, purples and whites and it would be churlish not to enjoy every minute of this magnificent display.

**Breakfast on the bench. An ideal way to start the day!**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

And for me, gardens are the first point of welcome to my home. By planting lots of flowers on the path to our doors, we are making a celebration of each visitor. Though we are seldom able to spend a lot of time in our front gardens, we can still provide some colour to passers-by. I know that I enjoy the gardens of others and hope that they enjoy mine.

**Friendly flower greetings** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Flowers and friendship

Flowers have always been tied to friendship and love. They are readily portable beauties that are meant to be shared. Though relatively inexpensive, they are much more certain to induce joy than even more expensive gifts. Simply put, flowers make us happy and the science backs this up. Giving flowers doesn’t have to be tied to a special occasion. In fact, the unexpected bouquet is often the most precious.

We don’t even need to buy them. If you are blessed with an abundance in the garden, take some each time you visit a friend. Tied with a simple ribbon, they look complete. Even if you don’t have a garden or florist shop nearby, tiny flowers from the verges are beautiful too. Daisies, buttercups, wild violas, pink campions and grasses have a delicate allure. Size does not matter. Some of my favourite arrangements are of tiny flowers set in little glass containers. A group of three makes a pleasing tableau.

**Tiny flowers; big impact**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Pass it on

Another wonderful way to share is to give seedlings or cuttings of flowers. Friends often give me such things and more often than not they grow into majestic plants lasting several seasons. One friend gave me a tiny rose pelargonium, which now fills two large garden pots. Since these delightfully scented geraniums are hard to find, I’ve taken cuttings too and passed them on. There is something especially delightful in conjuring plants from nothing and in enjoying the fruits of someone’s nurturing.

This cutting of an angel winged begonia was a surprise gift.

My spider plant’s ‘babies’ have colonised many parts of my home and those of friends. And I have become less shy in asking for a cutting of a particularly pretty shrub. After all, we can all spare a little twig!

Fridays are for flowers

Tomorrow I shall need to do my watering and compost the old arrangements and make some new ones. It is a weekly ritual that never fails to raise my spirits. I hope that you will find time for flowers this Friday too. Whether you give them or receive them, may they bring you joy.

The Power of Love

As we celebrated Valentine’s Day this week, I thought it would be the ideal time to write about the power of love. We tend to think of love as something romantic – a sexual pairing, but the Greeks were much more expansive in their views. They had eight words for love and each one has its own distinct characteristics.

Romantic love

Eros – It is love based, at least initially, on sexual attraction. This powerful love has fuelled some of the greatest art, in every medium, from opera to pop, plays to film, fine art to graffiti.

Something to sing along to while you read.

Romantic love is so powerful, because it ignites our passions and fills us with a sense of euphoria. This phase of romantic love is called Ludus or playful love. Though what begins with puppy-like affection can turn, when misdirected, to Mania or obsessive love. Not everyone can handle the power of love.

No doubt, St Valentine would not be impressed that his sainthood has become associated with Eros, having died in defence of his faith. He was, however, attributed with marrying Christian couples against the wishes of the Emperor, Claudius II. So perhaps, there was a little bit of the romantic in him after all.

The universal symbol for love Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Love and marriage

Ideally, married love endures and fulfils the promise ‘Till death do us part.’ When this occurs, the heady rush of erotic love matures into Pragma. When we see a sweet old couple sitting together in the park, we are witnessing this love. Though love as a marathon event is not always the easiest, it is the one designed to yield the greatest rewards. The power of this love is in offering stability in society as a whole and in the smaller unit of the family. Though it may not be attainable for everyone, it is still one that I think is worth aiming for.

Linked to this love is Storge or family love. It is the intense bond a parent feels for a child and family members for each other. It is equally applicable to friends who, through long acquaintance and deep affection themselves become ‘family’. As families become more fractured by geography or separation, it becomes increasingly important that we nurture this kind of love. Though often overlooked, I feel this love is the glue that binds us and helps us to develop the skills to love those outside our immediate circle.

Family love crosses generations Image: Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

Platonic love

More appropriate loves to attribute to St Valentine would be Agape and Philia. The first is the most comprehensive love, since it embraces everyone in its affection. It is unconditional and compassionate. In following Jesus’ teaching, St Valentine did love all and even cured his jailor’s daughter of her blindness. His desire to spread his faith extended to trying to convert the emperor, though this sadly, proved a step too far.

Philia or brotherly love, is an ideal love between friends and equals. To the Greeks, this was one of the most important forms of love, far surpassing that of the erotic. And I think they had a point. Our longest standing relationships are those of our childhood and early adulthood. These are friends who, when we meet up again after even the longest separation, feel as comfortable and cosy as a hand knitted jumper. For me, these friends automatically fall into the category of family. They have always been my safety net and I feel infinitely blessed to have them. Though I think this love can be stretched fairly thin, personally, I feel they are too precious to allow to drift. Keeping in touch; letting them know you care, invariably strengthens this powerful love.

Though Friendship Day isn’t until 30 July, I think these wee cards are a great way to show your affection. And yes, I did make one myself!

Love yourself

Loving yourself –Philautia -is a more complex one. In one unhealthy extreme it becomes narcissism, but in its proper manifestation it is a crucial element in finding all the other kinds of love. For if we do not love ourselves, how are we to love anyone else? Self-care and self-compassion are vital to our well-being. Just as in the safety manual of an airplane, we are told to put on our own oxygen mask before attempting to secure another’s, we must make sure we take care of our own mental and physical health before attempting to engage in anyone else’s.

This truth has become glaringly obvious to me over the past few years. Every step I take to maintain the best health I am able allows my husband to live a normal life. Were I to quit trying and slump on the sofa, I would soon deteriorate to a point where he would have to stop work and look after me. Self-care is often far from selfish and though my case is perhaps more obvious, it applies, to some extent, to every one of us.

Self-love does not mean that we have an exaggerated, positive view of ourselves. Proper self-love acknowledges our own imperfections and, rather than projecting them onto others, works to rectifying them whilst compassionately accepting our inherent imperfection.

So, perhaps we should be writing a love letter to ourselves this year. (And all the other folks who make our lives a little more special.) Love is far too powerful an emotion to be restricted to just one day. I believe that expressing your love everyday seems a much better idea.

Life is What Happens: Part 1

There is no better way to sum up last year than with the adage, ‘Life is what happens when you are making other plans.’ In January, while news reports of a strange ‘flu in China filtered through to the West, we were eagerly awaiting a year filled with adventure. My diary was crammed with activities up until June: visits from distant family and friends; the Oxford literary festival; a long-awaited trip to Long Island and the chance to hug my granddaughter.

Though I can’t hug her, through photos and video calls, I can see her grow. Sofia on the beach. Image: Scott Costello-McFeat

On the morning of the 21 March, I was at the hairdresser, joking about folks taking the ‘flu far too seriously. Later that day, I read in the news that I should self-isolate. This was no ordinary virus; this was something else. And so began what I can only describe as nine months of house arrest. I have occasionally ventured further afield – to collect our puppy; to visit the countryside nearby and Alfriston, but effectively, I have been contained within a 1/4 mile radius.

Be careful what you wish for

On the surface, this appeared like a nightmare. And for many, I’m sure it has been. But for me, despite my love of ordinary life, it has been a wish granted. For years, I have dreamt of being on a retreat and of living a life of pared-down simplicity. I love quiet and contemplation and the rush and bustle of the everyday works against that. With no-where to go and no-one to see, here was my chance. So I took it, and in doing so have found innumerable blessings in this strange, contained life.

Peace

I live on a busy road, so the hush of lock-down has been a boon indeed. Sitting in the garden, every bird call, every rustle of leaves is audible, since it is no longer muffled by the incessant undertow of rumbling traffic. My meditation practice has become routine and unlaboured. No longer do I need to squeeze it into the cracks of the day, but I can indulge whenever I want. I’ve found a system that works for me: 15 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night while doing my breathing exercises. This morning, there was a beautiful dawn, so before doing anything else, I did my meditation and watched as the clouds gradually lost their rosy underbellies. Observing beauty and experiencing deep peace is a wonderful way to begin the day.

Enjoying the tranquillity of Nature Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Reconnecting with the land

Perhaps the most important element to my good health during lock-down has been my garden (and I have no idea how someone stuck in a flat could manage). It has brought me endless delight in the ever shifting seasons. It has brought me food from the vegetable patch and spurred me to improve my cooking skills – especially in regard to preserving and utilising the harvest.

The garden as metaphor has worked its magic too. Half my plants were eaten by wildlife, blown over by fierce winds or stolen by the birds. Some plants thrived, whilst others, mysteriously died. The garden was an illustration in miniature of life itself: we may put in any amount of effort, but chance always plays its part. If we delude ourselves that we are in control, we shall only suffer stress and misery. If we accept these casualties of fate, we will survive in relative equilibrium. As someone whose tendency is to want to order and control everything, this has been an invaluable lesson for me. Whilst Nature firmly puts us in our place (a fairly insignificant speck in the universe), she also gives us hope. There are always new crops, new flowers, new skies. Winter, with its honeyed light, silver frosted lawns, and silhouette trees will be replaced by the exuberant greens of spring and the scent and colours of endless flowers. Life, always, goes on.

Company

The most precious thing that this strange year has brought me is my husband’s company. From being someone who toiled for ridiculously long hours, slipping away before I was awake and returning as evening fell, now he was someone who was home all the time. At first, he replaced work with frantic DIY projects, but slowly, he too began to relax and just enjoy being. For once, we worked together: on the garden and the home, cooking and learning new skills. As a prelude to retirement, it has been a very positive one.

Life is better with a dog! Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

And, of course, working from home, made getting a puppy possible. Hermione has brought us infinite amounts of joy that well outweigh the (not inconsiderable) amount of effort and time required to raise her. She is a little bundle of cheerful mischief who always wants to be as close to you as possible – and who doesn’t enjoy that level of adoration? She has also meant we spend vast amounts of time outside and even with the foul winter weather, that too has played a very large part in keeping us mentally and physically well.

And last, but by no means least, this period has forged friendships rather than breaking them. My weekly chats on the phone or video calls has meant that we are all completely up to date with each others’ lives. And a huge thank you to all of you who have indulged me in this – I know I would not have made it this serenely without you!

There are even a few people who I am in contact with more than before, because changes in their working lives have given them more time. Others have just made the effort to make friendships more solid. My lovely friend from university, for example, set up a wee WattsApp group, so my old housemates and I can share jokes and stories. Though this year’s reunion has been postponed, we are all up-to-date with each other’s news and will have plenty to blab about when we finally get together next year.

As I write, it is New Year’s Eve and like the rest of us, I am looking forward to the New Year and what it may bring. Unlike last year, I don’t have any plans, though. I will take things as they come and try to remain flexible.

And in part 2 of this post, I’d like to look at all the ways we can take the blessings of this strange year to improve our lives in 2021. See you next year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Not Everyone Can be There for You

Surprisingly, the hardest part of coping with an incurable, chronic condition or life-threatening disease, is not the illness itself, but the way those we love react to it.

Over and over, we read or hear how marvellous family and friends are in helping with adversity. How many magazines blaze the headlines: ‘I couldn’t have made it without my mum/dad/significant other?’ Dozens.

The less palatable truth is that not everyone will find that support when they need it. While listening to a programme about young cancer sufferers on Woman’s Hour, Radio 4, I discovered that, contrary to popular belief those closest to us can be utterly useless when it comes to life going awry. Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you’re all alone.

I was horrified by the tales of these young women whose friends and relatives effectively dumped them once they shared their diagnosis. Part of me wanted to believe that these were especially difficult women, but listening to their stories proved that this was not the case. To a (wo)man, they were articulate and delightful, stoic in their acceptance that sometimes people aren’t up to the job of caring for those facing misfortune.

Though a little ashamed to admit it, this cheered me up too. Having first being diagnosed with MS and then cancer, I got to witness a wide spectrum of responses from the borderline indifferent to the angelic.

With the MS, I understood that people might be bemused. It is a complex and unpredictable disease. It is also invisible. Since I routinely turned up to events quite cheerfully, it was easy to imagine I was fine. They had not witnessed me lying for hours incapable of doing anything nor had a clue about the mental turmoil one goes through envisaging a future that might see you not just wheelchair bound but utterly incapacitated or even dead.

When I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer three years later, I assumed that this would alert those less supportive ones that I really was ill. It did not.

If anything, the sheer magnitude of the diagnosis meant that there were people who effectively ghosted me rather than deal with this new reality. This included, to my dismay, many who I had assumed I could rely upon.

Facing it alone

My husband has been a rock through all of this, but he has to work and so is out of the house most of the day. My sons live abroad, so can hardly be expected to pop round. But I do have a number of people close by, but that did not mean they came to see me. On the contrary, if anything, this particular group stayed away more than usual.

Out there on your own Image: Photo by Mahir Uysal on Unsplash

Being sick, when everyone else is well, is incredibly isolating – not simply because you can’t join in all the time. Illness invariably means spending long hours at home in bed or resting, hours that are filled with fears for the future.

Being sick and ignored by those you always assumed would support you adds yet another layer of pain. In some ways, their lack of care hurt much more than the intrusive and often distressing procedures that I had to go through. Those lasted only a short time and healed. These hurts lasted months and have left terrible scars.

At first, I experienced confusion. Did they not realise my predicament? With both diagnoses, I was absolutely honest about what they meant, while trying to take the most optimistic path. Yet still, I felt that my explanations were treated as a kind of demand for sympathy, an exaggeration. One person even went so far as to suggest that chemo wasn’t really that bad, since her friends had all had it and managed fine! There is not much one can say to that. With all things, one person’s experience in no way reflects another’s. For me, chemo was the worst experience I have ever gone through but radiotherapy was a doddle, though many others find the reverse. No-one’s diagnosis or treatment is identical and it is wise to let the person suffering tell you how they are experiencing things rather than making assumptions.

Dismissal of the seriousness of your condition has two effects: first it diminishes you and makes you question your own reality and second it makes you feel ashamed. Am I such a terrible person that those I love can’t find time for me? Am I really that unimportant? If I died, would they care?

This post has been incredibly difficult to write. At the back of my head, little voices keep telling me that I should not be calling attention to this. It is my fault. Something in me makes them behave that way.

But I need to share this. Years of meditation and extensive therapy have helped me to understand that really, I have nothing to do with it. (Though I don’t always believe that!) In truth, most of us prefer to plunge our heads deep into the sand rather than face what is unpleasant or downright terrifying. At some level, we are still children and it is tempting to close our eyes and ignore anything bad in the hope that it will disappear. But when someone saves themselves in such a way, they sacrifice the one who is already suffering. Life isn’t fair and is often cruel, but that is just how it is. And despite their scariness, these testing times also give the greatest opportunity to grow and to love fully.

Whilst my circumstances have cost me dear in terms of certain relationships, it has also brought the most incredible love and kindness – often from the most unexpected quarters. My true friends were there to take me to appointments; sit with me while the poisonous chemo ran through my veins; laughed and hugged me. Friends who live miles away constantly emailed or wrote with little quirky stories and tales of family adventures, restoring a sense of normality to life. And this blanket of affection kept me warm and safe from the icy blasts of depression. Sharing life with these people made it all the more precious.

So, if this post is to have meaning, it is to encourage you to step way outside your comfort zone and be there for those who need you. They may not be any fun for a while; they may not even survive. But what you can give is more precious than anything you can buy. Unfortunately, love cannot heal us physically, but it can make even the most terrible times bearable.

Everyone can benefit from a hug Image: Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

I Get by With a Little Help from my Friends

‘What do we do when our hearts hurt?’ asked the boy.
‘We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time, till they wake hopeful and happy again.’ Charlie Mackesy

Everyone needs friends. Of course, they do. But when you are dealing with adversity, illness or disability this need becomes more urgent. Further, we need friends who will stay the course – long after the first flowers of commiseration have faded and the cards have been taken down.

We need friends years later, who are willing to keep and eye on us and are empathetic to our changing situation. Supporting someone going through a bereavement may well take months; supporting someone going through an illness, likewise, but supporting someone with a chronic and degenerative condition means a life-time commitment. Some will not be able to manage that and although any help and kindness is appreciated, especially in the first, terrifying weeks of diagnosis, those who are with you throughout are what sustain you.

True friends are there for the whole journey Image: Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

Asking for help

The thing I struggle with most is asking for help, even from those who have proven themselves willing! I’m not sure why I (and others) are so bad at this. No doubt our pride is dented a little and our inabilities make us feel small, but that said, we do need aid and we need to find the courage to ask for it.

One thing that assists me with this is having friends that are utterly straight-forward. If they are free, they’ll help; if they are not, they expect me to ask someone else. This frank approach is excellent for everyone involved. I know that I am not putting someone out with my request (and thus subject to the guilt of the being the beneficiary of self-sacrifice) and if they oblige, they are doing so freely and happily. This way, I can accept their kindness gladly.

Two heads are better than one

Another truism, but an important one. Often when struggling with new situations our minds are so crammed with craziness that we literally can’t see straight. Solutions elude us. Everything is overwhelming. This is when we need to call in our friends. With an objective eye and a caring but independent perspective, they are often able to unravel even the most complex Gordian knot.

For some time after my diagnosis, I was terrified of using the shower, which was in the bath. I had some temporary grab bars, but they had an unfortunate habit of slipping and the new shower wasn’t going to be fitted for months. Even with a bath mat, standing without support was difficult and the hot shower would often make me feel a little faint. My brain instantly rushed to images of me falling out the shower and banging my head and being left undiscovered till the evening. My husband works long hours and my children have left home. So what could I do?

A kind friend offered to phone to check I had left the shower safely every morning, but really this was too much to ask, but it did lead to a solution. My husband would call at lunch-time and if I didn’t answer within a reasonable period, he would contact my neighbour who had a key. It was a simple and elegant solution and the daily terror of the shower evaporated.

Help near at hand

Depressing though it is to have to make contingency plans for falls and accidents, it is something that we should all consider. When my friend was asked to take someone to A&E after a bad fall whilst running, she realised that she had no way of contacting this person’s next of kin. She knew her father lived locally, but had no contact details. When she mentioned this at book club, we all realised that although we knew everyone’s relations personally, we did not have a clue how to reach them.

The solution was that one member kindly offered to make a list (now on my fridge) with everyone’s emergency contact details. Anyone of us could take care of contacting our nearest and dearest. Unfortunately, no-one is exempt from life’s unpleasant surprises, so having friends to take care of some of the practicalities is a great comfort.

Book groups provide more than great discussions; they provide friends in times of crisis.

Making life easier

I am fortunate to be able to do most things myself at the moment, but that said, even simple things often take me longer or cause more fatigue than they would for a healthy person. Having the support of friends has been invaluable in opening up my life. Offers of lifts in the evenings and for longer distances has meant I have been able to maintain a fairly normal social life – though early bedtimes remain.

What would be impossible for me to achieve on my own, is easy with friends. We visit gardens, museums, cinemas and places of interest. Having someone drive allows me to retain my energy for the day ahead. Being with people who are aware of my limitations decreases the stress of being in unfamiliar surroundings.

Living a more interesting life gives me fresh news and topics of conversation. It is also incredibly good for my mental health – by reducing social isolation and pushing back the ever present spectre of depression that takes hold when alone and bored. And of course, offering to pay for petrol, buying a coffee or a meal is an easy way to express gratitude and return a little kindness for that which is given.

Love binds us Image: Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

Friends help keep you well

Most of us are aware that friends are good for us, but perhaps are not aware just how good they are for our physical well-being. Amazingly, in addition to giving us the pleasure of their company, they also:

Make you live longer! ‘Researchers examined 148 previous studies on social links and mortality, which together included more than 300,000 participants. These studies found that measures of the strength of people’s social relationships, from their number of friends to their integration into the community, were all linked to decreased mortality.’ (livescience.com)
Improve overall health. The Mayo Clinic reports that: ‘Adults with strong social support have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI).’
Psychological benefits Friends give us a sense of belonging and joy in their company. Having them makes us feel more worthy and satisfied. They are also the first people we turn to in times of difficulty and their care and concern can help us get through the greatest emotional challenges.

I’ve got you. Image: Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

Give and take

But friendship does not only go in one direction. Those of us blessed with good friends need to work to maintain them. Whilst I may not be able to do a great deal physically, I am more than able to write letters and emails, listen to worries and hopefully be good company. No matter how busy your life, make time for your friends. You never know when you might need them!

And to finish, I’d like to share one of the most beautiful songs on the subject – Carole King’s You’ve got a friend. Enjoy!