Jesus was right, it is, ‘more blessed to give than receive,’ (Acts 20:35) and more contemporary neurological studies have supported this. All the evidence points to the fact that giving somehow makes us ‘richer’, whereas receiving makes us ‘poorer’.
This paradox is not an easy one to live with when illness or need makes us a receiver. I know that I am both dreadful at asking for help and often apologetic or embarrassed when receiving it. As a result, I often don’t seek assistance and struggle along making myself exhausted and irritable.
This post is an exploration of why that might be. And though I clearly believe in the benefits of giving , (see my last post, ttps://whenlifegivesyoulemons.blog/giving/ ) I am also aware that gracious receiving is a skill too, though I am still working on acquiring it! So what makes it so hard?
Vulnerability, weakness and shame
Do these words make you feel uncomfortable? I know they do for me. Even writing them makes me want to shift topic, make a coffee, take a break. Yet, living with a condition in which we need help means that feelings of vulnerability, weakness and shame are always close at hand.
When you cannot run from danger, you feel vulnerable. When your body doesn’t do all the things you want it to do: walk, lift, carry etc, you feel weakness. When you are unable to support yourself financially, you feel shame. In fact, simply being a rather less than optimal human being creates these feelings and with that comes a diminishing of our self worth. And to be honest, no amount of encouraging comments about how ‘great’ we are doing reduces this. Such comments, though well-intentioned, only make us fear the point when we will not be doing so well.
Brene Brown has researched and written extensively on the subject and in many ways, broken the taboos surrounding it. We can all suffer from these negative emotions, yet, if we can acknowledge and work on them, we can ‘dare greatly’. I’ll let her explain.
Empathy is the antidote to shame
Brene Brown
Empathy
Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy puts the giver in a position of power, looking down on the person who suffers. Empathy, on the other hand, sees them as an equal, and relates to their pain, as an equal. An empathetic person is able to ‘walk in your shoes’ and in doing so, understand. Yet, this is a very difficult thing to do.
Because if we are to do this, we have to shed our own desire to be better, stronger and more capable. We have to drop our guard and be vulnerable too, which is never comfortable. And we have to listen carefully and without judgement.
The world does not encourage us to do this, either. We are urged to compete with others and ourselves. We are taught to strive and gain status. We are told over and over, overtly and covertly, that only winners matter. Only when we are able to fight this great wave of assumptions can we even come close to being empathetic.
But empathy is what (we all) need to grow as humans. When we are offered help in an empathetic way, it is easier to accept and good generally results. However, if we are made to feel small or useless or diminished by our asking, we simply won’t and this may lead to unpleasant and unnecessary consequences.
The pride myth
One of the reasons given for not asking is that the person is too proud. This is spoken of as a good thing. ‘Oh, so and so is too proud to ask for anything. They do x,y and z by themselves.’ Their struggles are held up as examples of their fortitude and stamina.
Don’t get me wrong. I feel that we are all responsible to do absolutely everything in our power to live independent lives and be as little a burden on others as possible, but when I hear these words, I often think how convenient it is. Since they are too proud to ask for help, we need to nothing but congratulate them on their self-reliance!
It seems, too, that everyone has forgotten that pride is one of the deadly sins – not something to be celebrated at all. An elderly person who is too proud to give up driving even when their eyesight is failing and their reactions slow, is a danger to themselves and others. This is not independence but folly.
Receiving well
There is a knack to receiving well and I’m working on it! Many of us, when given gifts say, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have’ or are embarrassed by the giver’s generosity. It takes a certain amount of courage to smile widely and say ‘thank you’! Because, at bottom, many of us don’t feel we deserve kindness.
And our lack of self-esteem is harmful to both ourselves and the giver. When we receive with reticence and awkwardness, we are diminishing the pleasure of the giver too. They wanted to make us feel happy, not uncomfortable.
Practice
As with all things, practise makes perfect and the best way to start is with compliments. If you find yourself muttering things that deny or undermine a compliment, stop, smile and say thank you. When you see something or someone you wish to compliment, do so. It might well make their day! Sadly, most of us spend our lives in a swirl of criticism (much of our own mind’s making), so a kind word, well-received, can be a real balm.
Receiving gracefully
It is perhaps worth remembering the origin of the word grace was ‘God’s favour or help’. This was not necessarily requested or deserved, but simply given.
When we can learn to receive gracefully, I believe that we can enrich both ourselves and the giver. This way, blessed are both those who give and those who receive.