Joy – When Life Gives You Lemons

From a very early age, I have been in love with the natural world. Perhaps my mother sparked this, placing me in my pram, swaddled in blankets, under a tree in the garden.

Whatever the impetus, the outside is where I’ve always wanted to be. By today’s standards, my childhood was somewhat wild and I roamed the parks and woods with friends much younger than most kids would now. But where some children have street smarts, I had nature smarts. I never came to any harm despite my wanderings and loved the freedom I had been granted.

**Trees and water – the perfect combination** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Childhood wisdom

I knew from shared folk knowledge what I could eat and what I couldn’t; when a tree was too high to climb; water unsafe to swim in. The seasons, not the calendar, marked my days: the arrival of froglets in spring, berries in summer and beechnuts in fall. Winter cold never bothered me and it was irksome to wear a coat. It was even more irksome to have to sit inside on rainy days.

Because for a child, the natural world holds a cornucopia of treasures. Unlike the longed for toy discarded by New Year’s, it offered an ever changing selection.

That love and fascination has never left me. If anything, it has grown over the years, with an attempt to learn more about the environment and ecology. When all the human world fails me, it is to nature that I turn for solace. And it is nature that is helping me heal.

Nature’s healing

I spend a great deal of time outside, with Hermione – sometimes in the garden and sometimes in the shed. It is my outside office: perfect for journaling and dreaming.

With stress contributing to all illnesses, it is essential that we have a place where we can shed the coils of worry that ensnare us. For me, it is my garden or the sea where worries seem, quite literally, to be blown away.

With so much anxiety over loved ones who are suffering at the moment, it is easy to fall into despair. Life, after all, is undeniably cruel. On Tuesday, feeling low myself with infections brought on my stress, I took to my shed to write my morning pages.

This extract, somewhat polished, is what I wrote:

This is happiness

Out the window, above the Tibetan flags of washing, the Downs embrace the town. Higher still, clouds lined in grey silk amble across the skies. As they pass onwards, they pull the shadow from the hills, revealing the bright green, inch by inch, like a strip-tease.

It is neither warm nor cold. Summer and autumn are battling for dominance. Summer brings warm temperatures and autumn, a chill breeze.

The garden has lost her deep green hue and has the look of one exhausted by fecundity. Curling leaves are scattered across the lawn.

I am not well today, yet cannot feel sad or self-pitying. Look! The sun has turned the Japanese anemones the white of a Geisha’s painted face; a butterfly is zigzagging across the grass in search of nectar; Hermione’s warm body rests on my foot …

Observation studies

Observing intently and writing soon become a form of meditation and prayer. Faced with the complex marvels of nature, we are strengthened in our understanding of life’s circularity and that each moment is unique. It helps to anchor us in the now.

**The butterfly – symbol of hope** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

We may choose to take our observations further – to create art, or initiate learning. These too uplift us.

Just before I began this, I read the latest Red Hand Files post by Nick Cave and he wrote:

Joy is not always a feeling that is freely bestowed upon us, often it is something we must actively seek. In a way, joy is a decision, an action, even a practised way of being.

Nice Cave, Red Hand Files 299

Everything he says is brilliant, but what struck me most forcefully is the line ‘joy is a decision, an action, even a practised way of being’. And he is right. We must choose joy despite knowing that life will not always provide it. We must live with the intention of finding joy and bringing it to others and that will require a certain amount of sustained action: ‘practised way of being.’

For me, the natural world and its meditative observation is my practice. The more I commit to my practice, the better I feel. And joy is an emotion that we wish to share, that makes us look beyond ourselves and saves us from the solipsism of depression.

In these difficult times, I hope you find your path to joy.

Please note that there will be no post next week, as I shall be attending my brother-in-law’s funeral.

To slightly misquote Dickens, the holiday season is the best of times and the worst of times. Whilst parties and gift giving are always a joy, the time itself often churns up a sea of less happy emotion. Our reunions are often missing some of the people we love best, either because of distance or their loss.

My boys are thousands of miles away and though I am delighted at the amazing technology behind video calls, our Christmas meetings are a mere simulacra of the real thing. At this time of year, I miss my brother too. He may have died 33 years ago, but his absence still pains me.

**Joy at the heart of sorrow** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

And I know I am not alone in these sentiments. Few of us will be lucky enough not to have any sorrow at this time whether brought about by grief, anxiety, loneliness or depression.

Words of wisdom

Whilst scrolling through Netflix documentaries for our Ukrainian, Mariia, I spotted one called Mission Joy starring Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama. (For more information check out https://missionjoy.org/) That looked like just what we needed, so I paused to let her see it and yes, she chose it.

This year will be our second Christmas together. While we love her company, and I’m sure we’ll have a cheerful celebration, we are acutely aware that she is unable to go home to her own family. Since the Dalai Lama is also a refugee, I felt his words might give comfort.

Despite coming from very different religious backgrounds, the two men were very much in agreement about what brings joy into our lives. Each had suffered, yet each was full of the most sparkling of spirits.

What they said was not entirely new to me. Upon my diagnosis, I felt the whole world fall away. My old life was gone and my future looked very bleak indeed. What saved me was finding the Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis programme. In it were suggestions to tend to both my mind and my body and this led me to the revelatory book Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Here was someone who acknowledged that life is usually full of challenge and difficulty and rather than shying away from the fact, actively embraced it. For within catastrophe can be found hope. I did my homework and discovered what he said was true.

Revision

That was eight years ago and I think I was ready for a refresh and Mission Joy did just that. So I’d like to give a very brief precis of their words coupled with my own experience. Life is never easy. We are all walking wounded. Acknowledging that is, I believe, the first step towards healing.

Reframing

The Dalai Lama gave great credit to this activity. Our minds, after all, determine our reality, so if we are able to shift our focus, to ‘reframe’ the moment or event, we may be able to see it as a point of opportunity rather than a dead end.

**What you see in the picture is up to you** Image: Angele Kamp on Unsplash

Being diagnosed with a chronic condition would seem like a catastrophe, but it has opened up my world in the most amazing ways. I may not be able to work, but I now have time to write and create; I may not be able to walk far, but each step feels like a miracle. My appreciation for everything has multiplied a hundred fold and gratitude is definitely the route to happiness.

Contemplation

Finding a time for quiet, prayer or meditation is vital to still our crazy ‘monkey minds’. This is especially true in the lead up to Christmas where lists seem to give birth to lists with Malthusian consequences.

**Crazy busy!** Image: Anna Dziubinska on Unsplash

Following Zinn’s suggestions, I learned to seriously meditate: forty minutes a day for eight weeks. It was hard work, but bit by bit my anxiety about the future was quelled and my capacity for hope increased. Though I confess to being a bit lax on the formal meditation side at the moment, I do ensure that I have quiet times each day to simply be and let go of my worries.

But don’t take my word for it. The science clearly supports the calming effects of contemplation. It brings many other benefits too including increasing resilience and with that physical well-being.

The catch? There’s always a catch. To enjoy these benefits you have to commit whole-heartedly to daily practice – even if that is only five minutes at first. Like physical strength, it requires a regular workout.

When suffering does you good

I doubt this part is going to be very popular. None of us like to suffer and I hope none of us like to see others suffer either. However, suffering is often the route to compassion.

Tutu used the example of Nelson Mandela who began as a man of violence and ended a man of peace. His suffering in the notorious Robben Island penal colony might have inflamed his anger, but instead sparked compassion. The transition to black African rule might have been fraught with bloodshed, but under Mandela’s guidance, was one of peace.

**One word says it all** Image: Dave Lowe on Unsplash

Compassion literally means ‘to suffer with’. If we do not know suffering, it is very difficult to imagine it. It also is taken to mean having motivation to alleviate that condition. In other words, unlike pity, it is an active emotion.

My less than pleasant experiences with MS and cancer and bereavement have had the unexpected benefit of enabling me to understand much more clearly how others feel in those circumstances. With that, I hope my words and actions reflect that and the recipient does not feel pitied but rather supported in their journey.

Finding joy

For joy is to be found not within ourselves but as a by-product of giving. Tutu said, ‘ Joy is the reward we receive for giving joy to others.’ That is a philosophy that I can certainly stand by.

Modern society focuses on the individual and the satisfaction of his or her desires as the path to happiness. Unsurprisingly, the world has never been more depressed.

This is not to say that we give up all the things we love. There are good selfish and negative selfish emotions. The Dalai Lama suggested that good selfishness ensures that you take care of yourself. Negative selfishness is when you obtain your objective at the expense of others.

A balance needs to be struck between these two.

For my part, joy is bundled with love. If we take the Christmas message to love one another and show good will to all men, we will have a very joyful Christmas indeed – regardless of how life has treated us.

Tag: Joy

This is happiness