Keeping in touch – When Life Gives You Lemons

When life is crazy busy, it is easy to fail to make time for our most precious resource: friends. They lift us up when we’re feeling down; provide an anchor when we’re feeling lost and well, just make life much more enjoyable. This post is a little celebration of all my friends and how they have brought me joy.

Faraway friends

As someone who has traversed continents and moved rather more than advisable, I have always had friends who live far away. Some have themselves moved to more exciting places abroad, or other parts of the country, but they are all too valuable to give up.

It would be easy to say, ‘Oh well, they live in America or Australia and there’s no point in keeping in touch.’ But from my experience, that would be folly. My slightly erratic calls to a dear friend in Australia, are always a delight, and I hope she will make it back to England before too long.

My closest friend from graduate school may live four thousand miles away, but we email daily (short silly things) and this spring we finally managed a week’s reunion filled with outings and laughter. She’s already saving up to come again and we’ll meet up at my son’s wedding in the States in September.

**A windy day at Birling Gap with Elizabeth**
Image: Jeff Costello-McFeat

My best friend from school lives in Germany, but weekly, letter-like emails keep us up to date with each other’s lives and her regular trips back to Eastbourne are always something to look forward to.

Closer to home

Luckily, most of my friends live within a mile or two. For me, friendships flourish when you meet often, do things together and commit to regular contact.

This certainly applies to my craft club (below left with Elizabeth visiting) and my book group, below right (with birthday visitors).

I am fairly shameless in trying to make the tript worth their while and invest in good coffee and where possible delicious cakes. Bribery? Well, perhaps, but we all need a little encouragement.

School friends

Moving to Eastbourne was the best thing that happened to me. (I used to live in Swindon: enough said.) Here, I found life-long friends who all make the effort to keep in touch as much as possible. Though only two of us remain in the town, a visit from one or both of the others is a great excuse for a lunch out.

Friends that you have known since childhood are a little different from those you made last week. They know you deeply; have presumably forgiven or overlooked all your annoying habits and foibles and are rather more in the manner of siblings than acquaintances. There is no need for pretence or preening. Old friends ground us as no others can. Their company is as cosy and comforting as a favourite woolly jumper.

UKC Friends

I was equally blessed at university to make some very good friends. Liz has named us the UKC Chickadees. I have no idea why. So, I’ve looked it up and think I might have discovered the answer: they are described as smart, tough and friendly (sounds like my pals) but perhaps more likely, it is because these birds are found in the Carolinas where we all spent our third year. My friends were at the very prestigious Duke University, whilst I, who may have been slightly distracted by the opposite sex during my first two years at Kent, was at the University of South Carolina.

Also, being the song birds that we are, we like to chatter a lot. Though this is mainly via WhatsApp, we have committed to an annual reunion. Our most recent was last weekend, when we enjoyed perfect weather for a perfect visit.

Coffee dates

Since not all my friends fall into any particular group, I meet them for coffee. There are always birthdays to celebrate and other excuses, though I seldom need much of one to see them.

**Coffee and tea with friends** Image: Card by Jennifer Timberlake

New friends

And, no matter how many friends you have, there is always room for more. Our Ukrainian adventure has led us to meeting and enjoying the companionship of many wonderful people we would never otherwise have met. And our best new friend is, of course, our guest Mariia, who has taught us so much about the Ukrainian way of life and shown such fortitude in the most impossible of circumstances. She is the lemonade maker extraordinaire.

Mariia in Ukrainian traditional headdress Image: Mariia Matrunich

Correspondence friends

Which brings me to my final group of friends – the ones I am seldom able to visit due to time and distance, but who keep in touch though social media or letter. My very oldest friend, from primary school, still writes long and detailed missives filled with beautiful nature observations and family news. When we do meet up, the time apart falls away in an instant and we blether just as we did when we were ten.

Others keep in touch via my blog or email. Their messages always make me smile.

**Correspondence papers**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

As someone whose life has hardly gone to plan over the last decade, what has kept me sane and on the path to health has been my friends. They were with me when I was diagnosed with MS and again when I had cancer.

I have no doubt that my recovery in both is very much down to their love, care and attention. Chronic illness so often leads to the vicious cycle of depression, deteriorating health, more depression and so on. Though I have undoubtedly had to confront my demons, I did not have to do it alone.

It takes time and effort to keep close relationships, because friendship is like an exquisite flower: it needs nurturing or it will wither and die.

We may be tired or feel we don’t have time to write, but perhaps we can manage a post card for Pen Pal Day on June 1. Or a quick message on social media can be enough to let someone know we are thinking of them.

Whatever you do, make time for friends. I, for one, couldn’t manage without them.

Everyone loves to receive a letter or card. This is why the greeting cards industry in the UK generated a whopping £1.506 billion in 2017. There are few better ways to start the day than with a missive from a friend.

Yet, though we all love receiving mail, most of us are not so good at sending it. We text, we email, we telephone, but seldom put pen to paper. This post is intended to encourage you to do just that. With a second lock-down in the UK beginning this week, we will all be feeling a little more isolated from our friends and family. Through correspondence, we can bridge that gap.

All you need to get started Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

When I was a little girl, my letter writing began with the obligatory thank you notes. Then I began to correspond with my best friend who had moved to Yorkshire at the end of primary school. The wonderful options available to youngsters today was not available to me, so it was write or lose the friendship. Neither she, nor I, wanted that, so we wrote. I doubt our letters were very profound or even particularly interesting. I imagine that there were numerous complaints about dull lessons and wet PE, but I’m sure we also chatted about our latest crushes and minor triumphs.

The years passed. Very occasionally, we would have an opportunity to meet up, but despite the vast periods of time between, whenever we did, it had none of the awkwardness of a long separation. Because that is the brilliance of letter writing. No matter how far apart we are or for how long, our words form a firm chain of connection.

Writing allows you to fully tell your story

The reason that letter writing keeps you close is that it is the most honest form of communication. We plan what we want to say, we choose our words and are not side-tracked by interjections or subject changes. If we feel that we have said something the wrong way, we can edit it. Correspondence has all the joy of conversation with the benefits of time and contemplation.

Writing also allows you to be more personal. If you need to explain something at length or express a difficult emotion, the space and control that correspondence gives, allows you to do that. Perhaps this is why letters are the favoured form of communication for lovers. In the safety of the page, we can say what we feel without fear of censure or embarrassment.

Good letters are not bragging round robins, but rather portraits of the ordinary.

Letters are equally a window into the writer’s life that I honestly have never enjoyed in any other form of communication. By writing of their day to day existence, especially when it relates the minutiae, we get a glimpse of their reality. Good letters are not bragging round robins, but rather portraits of the ordinary: a book you are enjoying; a funny incident at the supermarket; a social event. My favourite writers include what they are doing as they write – ‘I’m on the second cup of coffee and eyeing a croissant’ or ‘Just thought I’d add this before the washing is finished’. By sharing our thoughts and the details of our lives, we connect with each other in very special ways.

Of course, cards and letters are also vehicles for marking important events, but if they become solely this, we are in danger of our letters becoming a bulletin of social highlights. And just as a picture without shadow becomes two dimensional, so does such a letter create a caricature.

I suspect that people often don’t write because they do not have anything especially exciting to say. To this, I cry, ‘Of course, you do!’ Whatever you are doing will be of interest to someone who cares about you. Have you been selecting and planting spring bulbs? Got on with the knitting project you spoke of last time? Managed to do some yoga practice? We are not in a competition to see who has done the most exciting stuff. In the privacy of a letter, we can share our most mundane achievements and express our fears; in other words, be fully human.

Stationery

Choices! Choices! My idea of heaven would be a giant stationery shop with an endless budget. There are so many ways that we can communicate with each other from micro letter/envelopes to pristine A4 cartridge paper. Choosing the right form for the task is part of the pleasure. And it should be a pleasure – selecting a card or paper or perhaps even which pen would suit. Our selection in some way is a nod to the recipient too. Not only should our stationery reflect ourselves, but what we send to whom should match. I have some pretty crazy stationery that I know some will love and others be bemused by. Send what you think they would love to receive.

Postcard

Reluctant letter writers can take heart that a postcard is an excellent form of communication and requires the most meagre amount of writing. I love that a few folks still send cards from their holidays: the scenes and stamps giving a real flavour of their location.

Art postcards too are perfect. Been to a good exhibition? Buy a card and send it with your news or get a stash of images you love and pass them on. After they’ve been read they can adorn the walls or be used as bookmarks.

The more ambitious might indulge in a little DIY here. Colour-in postcards are fabulous or you can buy watercolour books to create your own designs.

One done, one in progress Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Envelopes

An interesting alternative is to use a letter that is itself an envelope. As a student in America, airmail letters were my life-line. They were relatively cheap and if you wrote really small, you could cram in a surprising amount of news.

Or use an envelope template (take a regular envelope and deconstruct it) and make your own on maps or gift wrap. Add lines on the reverse side and write away! Just remember to leave the areas that need to be glued blank or fold and seal with an imaginative sticker. If you want to go further, it is very easy to make origami envelopes for messages as small or large as you wish! Old magazines have an endless supply of beautiful images to work with.

Envelopes great and small Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Cards

These are not just for special occasions. My lovely aunt sends me beautiful photography cards and my friend in the States hilarious ones to make me smile. More often than not, these adorn the mantlepiece for weeks to come and many are stored away as happy keep-sakes. This is hardly something one can do with email.

Scenes of Scotland Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The letter

And finally we come to letters. I love the ones that go for pages and are, perhaps, written over several days. I am a paper fan, so letter writing gives me every opportunity to indulge in the most gorgeous stationery.

Though it is perfectly okay to type a letter, a handwritten one feels infinitely more personal and friendly. I even like to choose the pen and ink I will write with. If you’re going to the bother to write, you may as well go the whole way!

As the days become shorter and lock-down encloses us, it’s time to stock up on stamps and stationery. I can think of no better way to spend our time and share our love. And speaking of which, I have some letters to write.

Tag: Keeping in touch

Making Time for Friends