listening – When Life Gives You Lemons

Just a little bit …

A true diva

In a time of extreme divisions and, in some cases a complete breakdown of society, it seems more vital than ever that we come together to engage in open and honest debate. But to do this, we need to remember the first vital rule: that we respect those whose opinions differ from our own.

Each day brings new stories of trolling, deplatforming and cancelling. To me, these are all ugly words which threaten the very basis of a healthy, functioning society: freedom of expression. This does not mean that I advocate giving a voice to those whose words are vile or untrue – there are laws for that – but simply that we listen with open hearts and minds.

Throughout these turbulent months, I have been turning to my Quaker Faith and Practice to gain a moral compass in these uncharted seas. Indeed, this is where the germ of the idea for this blog began. I’d like to share this with you:

…When words are strange or disturbing to you, try to sense where they come from and what has nourished the lives of others. Listen patiently and seek the truth which other people’s opinions may contain for you. Avoid hurtful criticism and provocative language. Do not allow the strength of your convictions to betray you into making statements or allegations that are unfair or untrue. Think it possible that you may be mistaken.
Quaker Faith & Practice, Advices and queries 17

Listen

We all find it hard to listen to what others say and especially when our minds are clouded by our own prejudices. If we are honest with ourselves, we often hear nothing the speaker says when we have a negative view of them. Our thoughts are too full of proving them wrong, looking for flaws or simply despising them.

Though we are unlikely to have chats with world leaders any time soon, we are going to have conversations with our friends and neighbours. Brexit, in the UK, caused serious rifts; Trump did the same in America. Whatever side of the divide we fall on though, at least half the country will fall on the other. Race issues are resulting in further fissures, but the truth is that somehow, we all need to get along.

We can work towards reconciliation, or division. I know which I prefer and it needs to start here, with us.

I hear you Image: Mimi Thian on Unsplash

Listening is an active rather than a passive act. It is important that we engage physically with proper eye contact and body language and that we indicate in some way that we have heard. Perhaps we need to paraphrase what was said, ask open questions or pick up stitches of their words and knit them into our own discourse. We need to allow room for expression and avoid my worst habit of jumping in before they finish.

Stick to the facts

As tweets and retweets fly and posts on social media bombard us, it is very difficult to know what is true. These platforms have no fact checkers and we are often subsumed with confusing and often contradictory information. Mainstream media doesn’t seem to do much better – shouting in headlines and emotive pictures and giving very little space to the rather less thrilling facts and figures.

Fortunately, we do have access to the truth, should we wish to take the time. And it is utterly vital that we do. Whatever position we take, it should be an informed one. Our arguments have no power, if we do not understand what we are advocating; our ability to change opinion rests on our understanding of why someone holds an opposing point of view. Perhaps, as is often the case, their position rests in fear. If we take our task as allaying those fears, we might well find they change their minds. If we ridicule or ignore their concerns, no number of fine words will sway them.

Keep calm

With inflammatory issues, where people have passionate feelings, it is extraordinarily difficult to keep calm. Most of us are able to restrain ourselves from physical violence, but it is well to remember that violence in the mind can be equally toxic: to ourselves and others.

It is in states of anger that we are most likely to exaggerate, be hurtful or bend the truth to our argument. None of this ultimately helps. Assuming that our goal is to achieve positive change, we will never do this through aggression and conflict. Violence begets violence and I am more than a little perturbed that many young people feel it is a valid path. Even the most cursory look at history will show that violent reform leads only to misery. Stalin, Chairman Mao and Pol Pot provide the most striking recent examples.

The fruits of violence are misery, orphans and widows Image: Randy Colas on Unsplash

Be the change that you wish to see

Change starts with each individual. And it starts with action not speech. We must first look to ourselves, our failings and and our own foibles before we look for those in others. Then, and only then should we act. We must let our lives speak for us. And if we do, we will find our voice is considerably more powerful and persuasive. A more just and compassionate world is within our grasp. Let us reach for it.

Most of us have a very ambivalent view of silence and for many, it is something to be avoided at all costs. It is indicative of boredom and loneliness. Some of us are so uncomfortable with silence that we surround ourselves day and night with the distractions of radio, television and social media alerts.

Silence, perhaps, recalls wet Sunday afternoons when we were told to play quietly, or when we were reminded that children were to be seen and not heard.

Yet, silence is also bliss, yearned for by those of us caught in the whirl-wind of modern existence. Like the Chinese symbol for Yin and Yang, it is both beneficial and detrimental, active and passive, good and evil. Like solitude and loneliness, how we perceive silence and how we work with it will help determine which of these two opposites holds true.

When silence is harmful

There are few things more damaging to an individual than to have their voice unheard or dismissed. To the speaker, it can feel like they have been gagged and they are likely to either act out or become more silent as a result. Silencing others is easily done and often unintentional, but it can be just as easily remedied. If we can listen with sensitivity and play back what we have been told, we can relieve their stress and strengthen our relationship. We don’t have to agree with what they are saying either – simply acknowledge it. So if your child, partner or friend is being especially quiet, it might be the time to check that they are feeling heard.

Be quiet! Image: Scott Umstaddt on Unsplash

The silent treatment

One of the most powerful punishments is to give the silent treatment. By blocking all communication, you remove the chance for the person to apologise (if that would be appropriate) or even find out what is wrong. It is the most pernicious of punishments and the rise of ‘ghosting’ on social media is a worrying one. Painful though this is, it is a result of immaturity on the part of the ‘ghoster’. Should we encounter this treatment in the real or virtual world, we are best to get on with our lives and without them. Nothing feeds their power more than your insistence on interacting.

Alone with your thoughts

Finally, silence can be a frightening place, as it leaves us alone with our thoughts. With no distractions, it is easy to spiral into the old grooves of negative thinking. Our brains do not like the quiet and without training will simply fill the void with random images – most likely anxious or upsetting ones. I’m sure this is why we so often fill our lives with sound – as a barrier to thinking. However, the sound we introduce only drowns out thoughts; it does not resolve them. A better way, is to gradually acclimatise yourself to silence – making quiet times for reflection and growth not worry and regret.

When it is right to make a noise

Oppressive regimes are the first to silence their populace. No tyrant wants your feedback on his governance. Fortunately, if you are reading this, you are in a place where free speech is valued and protected. It is a privilege that far too little of the world enjoys. But with that privilege comes the responsibility to speak up when the times require it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Attr. Edmund Burke

We all moan about the world and its injustices, but we seldom act on our complaints. If we want to see positive change, we need to speak out against injustice wherever it may be. However, a word of caution. For our voices to express the right message, we first need silence. In the Quaker tradition, this waiting in silence for the right course of action is known as discernment. Hasty shouting and the clamour of outrage seldom result in the best outcomes. Quiet contemplation, listening to all sides and giving time for reflection before we speak is much more likely to have a positive and long-term impact.

A bullhorn or a quiet word? Image: Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Perfect silence

Much as we avoid it, we all need silence. Spend a few hours listening to noisy neighbours, building work or a barking dog and you soon realise its value. Depriving ourselves of it is ultimately like depriving ourselves of oxygen or sleep. We are failing to give our bodies and minds a time to recharge, reflect and simply reboot.

Getting comfortable in silence

I have always worked in silence, but learning to live in it for the majority of the day was hard. Ones thoughts are not always good companions and I had to calm the increasingly panicked cacophony in my head. I had to learn to make friends with silence and pacify the background chatter.

If I were to suggest this was easy, I would be lying. It has taken literally years of practice to reach my present stage and I have much further to go. But what I have discovered is that now I actively seek moments of quiet and relax into them as into a warm bath.

You can achieve this comfortable silence in any number of ways: prayer, meditation, walking or yoga style exercise. You do not need to sit cross-legged chanting ‘Om’. The good news is that they all work equally well. Whatever works for you is the one to pursue.

I have used all the above, though my favourite, long walks, is now denied to me. But I’m not one to give up. Part of the joy of a ramble is interacting with nature and we can do that whatever our situation. We only need to get outside.

A wonderful exercise, when you’ve found a quiet and comfortable place, is to try a listening meditation. The paradox is that we still the mind by focusing on noise and the more quiet we are, the more sound we will hear. More advanced practitioners will not be perturbed by someone using a weed whacker in the garden next door, but I am certainly not at that stage and I would advise you try without disturbance.

Just the other day, I was doing this. Sitting by myself on the bench, I started identifying all the sounds I could hear. Some were obvious such as the hum of conversation from the neighbours’. Then I stretched to hear other noises. There was the insect buzz of a lawn mower in use hundreds of yards away; the ebb and flow of traffic; the ceaseless chatter of the birds, with individual voices becoming distinct; the gentle breeze brushing over my cheek; my breath and finally the barely perceptible backtrack of my tinnitus.

Within the time it took to hear all this, my body was moving into an ever-more restful state. There were no distressing thoughts or worries, purely a sense of calm. The sound of silence is strangely not silent after all – it is the glorious, ever-changing melody of life.

Tag: listening

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