Tag: lovingkindness

Developing Lovingkindness

Recently, a dear friend sent me a musical version of the lovingkindness meditation that she had recorded for her church. It was so haunting and lyrical that I have been singing it to myself, several times a day, ever since. It was something that I wanted to share, but was not sure how best to do so. Should I include it in the Valentine’s post? Should I include it in a meditation one? In the end, I decided to showcase it all by itself.

Good advice! Image: Jon Tyson on Unsplash

What is lovingkindness?

This blended word is one that is used freely by myself and others, but to be honest, I was not sure of its roots. It simply seemed wholesome and ideal. So I looked it up. According to The Buddhist Centre, the lovingkindness meditation is a translation of metta bhavana. Metta means love, in the non-romantic sense, in the Pali language. And what is Pali? It is the language in which the surviving Buddhist scriptures are written. It is not a living language, but rather a literary/liturgical one. Bhavana means ‘development or cultivation’. So, lovingkindness meditation is all about learning to develop a feeling of love and kindness both towards yourself and others.

A perfect place to focus Image: Zoltan Tasi on Unplash

Five steps to developing lovingkindess

Traditionally, the meditation follows five steps with each taking about five minutes to complete. For a more detailed explanation, please check out: https://thebuddhistcentre.com/text/loving-kindness-meditation. I’ve given an an abbreviated one here:

Step one: Focus on yourself in a positive way. Allow a sense of lovingkindness to embrace you. You might like to add a phrase or chant to help you, for example, ‘May I be happy and well,’ or to visualise your love as light.

Step two: Think about a good friend or someone you care deeply about. Send your lovingkindness to them. Again, use a phrase or image to help you.

Step three: Now consider someone you know but have no particular feelings about at all – a sort of neutral relationship. Extend your lovingkindness to them.

Step four: This is where things get a little harder. Here you want to envisage someone that you actively dislike. We are putting the ‘love your enemy’ directive into practice here. By focusing on their inherent humanity, and ‘that of God within them’, you can move beyond your negative feelings to wish them only love and in doing so free yourself from the bondage of hurt and anger.

Step five: In this final step, you include everyone above plus all the people of the world. You may start with your immediate environs and move out to your town, country, continent and end with the whole world. You can include the planet itself. The Earth could certainly do with some loving kindness.

When you are finished, you can come back to the present by wriggling fingers and toes, returning gradually to a non-meditative state.

Baby steps

I appreciate that meditation is not the easiest of things to learn, simple though it appears to be. We need to find time and a quiet space to do it and in this hectic world, that is not always easy (though lock-down may be a blessing here). I confess that I am not always very good at formal practice, though I find it less difficult when I combine it with my breathing exercises. I also find it much easier to sing! Were you to hear me in the shower in the morning, I would be singing my lovingkindness mantra. It is a wonderful way to set intention for the day, even though I may not get past breakfast in achieving it! I also sing it last thing at night and in my head any time in between to reset my grumpy, demanding ego.

Here’s the musical version:

My friend Elizabeth and Anna give a beautiful rendition of this hymn/meditation

Finding your own path

Whether we use meditation or prayer or quiet reflection, it doesn’t really matter. What does is that we cultivate lovingkindness for ourselves and those around us and in doing so contribute to a more compassionate, non-judgemental and loving world. For all the benefits, you may like to read the excellent article in Psychology Today : https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/feeling-it/201409/18-science-backed-reasons-try-loving-kindness-meditation

For me, this meditation benefits both myself and my relationships. When you are ill and somewhat disabled, it is very easy to adopt society’s view of you as a somewhat lesser person. Lovingkindness – in starting with the self – reminds you of your inherent value and helps keep self-criticism, depression and stress at bay.

It is also a great reset button when one’s mind spirals down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts in relation to others. If I can catch it in time, feelings of resentment, judgment and anger evaporate as I run through the three lovingkindness mantras of I, you, we. You cannot send wishes of peace and love to someone and remain angry at them for long.

Though I have been practising meditation for some years now, I am still a beginner. We are all beginners. Developing lovingkindness is just that – an endless path of progression. It takes time and commitment. But given the choice between spinning and repeating the rhetoric of division or quietly working towards placing lovingkindness at the heart of our relationship with all living things, I know which I would choose. Though practice may not make us perfect, it can certainly help move us in the right direction.

Be Kind

As we wade through the fog and damp of another interminable January, it is easy to find our mood as low as the rain-filled clouds. Indeed, there is even a day to mark this point on the calendar: Blue Monday. The concept was devised by a PR agency using a pseudo ‘formula’ to estimate which day would fit the criteria of being the most depressing. It looks like this:

The formula for calculating Blue Monday
How to calculate the most depressing day of the year. Source: The Sun

No doubt the marketing team was dreaming up ways to encourage greater consumerism to combat the blues, but I would suggest a much more effective and cheaper approach – be kind.

Be kind to yourself

The first step is to be kind to yourself. No, I don’t mean go out and buy shoes or indulge in an extra glass of wine, but in genuinely taking stock not of your failings but your achievements. A New Year is a time for reflection and by thinking about (or better still listing) all that you have achieved last year, you might find yourself feeling uplifted rather than demoralised.

Being kind to yourself also means looking after yourself – gently and in a way that can continue throughout the year. Perhaps it means taking a little more care with what you eat and drink; finding time for meditation or exercise like yoga; giving yourself permission to read the book you received for Christmas rather than rushing about sorting laundry.

Time for yourself, does not mean selfish time. We (and particularly women) seldom feel we have any right to pursue our own interests when there is so much to be done. I spent way too many years in this mindset: devoting myself to my family and volunteering when what I really needed was a rest. And lest you think this is a bout of virtue signalling; it is not. What I achieved with all this craziness was a body that gave up and a mind that was frazzled and frustrated. Martyrs may get sainted, but I doubt they make good company. Since I have started being ‘selfish’, I still achieve all my goals but do so with a much cheerier outlook!

Image: Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

Kindness is loving yourself enough to love those around you.

RAKtivist

Be kind to others

Once you have ensured that you are filled with love, it is time to share. It is always worth remembering that life is a struggle for everyone, no matter how glamorous/successful/ idyllic their exterior lives might appear. We are all walking wounded. If you don’t believe me, try to think of someone who has no worries about a relative or friend, finances, health or love. Such creatures only exist in the realm of fiction. The rest of us are just putting on a brave face.

Showing kindness to others heals the world more effectively than anything. The recipient feels seen and appreciated and the giver benefits too. According to the Mental Health Foundation,

Research shows that helping others can be beneficial to our own mental health. It can reduce stress, improve our emotional wellbeing and even benefit our physical health.

Mental Health Foundation, https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/random-acts-kindness

They even give some lovely suggestions for random acts of kindness that even the busiest person can manage. And if you are looking for further inspiration, check out: https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/ which is a whole website devoted to this subject!

And I urge you to extend your acts of kindness to the whole world and not just humans. The Earth is desperately in need of a little TLC. Each time you reduce your purchases of consumer goods; reuse and up-cycle what you already own and recycle things which need to be thrown away, you are showing you care for the planet that cares for you.

Practising Loving-Kindness

As in all things, practise makes perfect. The Dalai Lama did not become the revered loving soul we know by accident; he worked at it and continues to work at it through a life of contemplation and prayer. Below is a prayer he says each day, which I think is rather beautiful.

Bodhisattva Prayer For Humanity

May I be a guard for those who need protection,

A guide for those on the path,

A boat, a raft, a bridge for those who wish to cross the flood.

May I be a lamp in the darkness,

A resting place for the weary,

A healing medicine for all who are sick

A vase of plenty, a tree of miracles.

And for the boundless multitudes of living beings

May I bring sustenance and awakening,

Enduring like the earth and sky

Until all beings are freed from sorrow

And all are awakened.

 – Shantideva

https://www.lovefreemovement.com/

Of course, you may have something from another spiritual tradition that works for you. I love the ‘Peace be with you’ from the Church of England’s Communion Service. It is hard to think or say such a thing without being guided to a more loving behaviour.

Or more simply, start with something small and easy like, ‘May I be healthy and happy’ and expanding it first to those you love and then to those you do not know. Repeating these mantras will help you find kindness in the most testing times.

Challenge yourself

Challenge yourself to engage in a single act of kindness today. Perhaps it will mean you bring a drink to a weary partner; listen with compassion to someone who is struggling; or send a friendly note to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Random acts of kindness do not need to be big or showy. The best ones are those which are uncomplicated and do not leave the receiver feeling indebted. A dear friend brought me some of her delicious homemade marmalade today and that sunny orange jar will bring a smile whenever I open it. And when I was unwell at the weekend, my husband took over the role of making meals and allowed me to rest and recover.

Pass it on

Being on the receiving end of an act of kindness almost always spurs us to reciprocate. Kindness creates a virtuous circle of giving in which everyone wins. So as these dull days linger on, try to bring a little sunshine to the world. It will make you and everything else seem better.