mental health – When Life Gives You Lemons

Too Many Lemons

After surviving the onslaught of catastrophes and strains that filled January and early February, life hurled one last lemon and my lemonade making capacity was exhausted. Returning spent but triumphant from my long walk from my art teacher’s, I made the mistake of reading the news. A freak and terrifying cold front was descending on the North East of the USA.

This was the day, of course, that my son and his fiancee were driving the seven hours from Pennsylvania home to Maine. Why worry, you may ask. Well, the news was filled with car wrecks and mayhem and the terrifying information that ten minutes outside would lead to frost-bite. Something as simple as breaking down could prove fatal.

**Hazardous conditions** Image: Remi Jacquaint on Unsplash

And when they Skyped on Sunday, full of cheer and stories, I felt like an idiot. Once again, I had allowed the fear of what might be to add to my fatigue and low mood.

Concerns over the future are only natural. Worry is often a sign that we care. But when we allow that worry to impact ourselves by affecting our mood and energy levels, we need to try to reign in those natural emotions.

MS is often triggered by extreme stress. Mine certainly was. My youngest was off volunteering in the US wilderness and less than ideal in communicating; my mother was planning to put my father into care. And so on, and so on. The result was my body capitulated to a chronic illness.

And sadly, too many serious conditions start this way. Relentless anxiety does no body any good.

Getting back on track

Exhausted, fed-up and generally grumpy, I had to find a way back to better health. By the end of the weekend, I was headed in the right direction and despite my daily battle with fretting about the Russians, I’m looking forward to a good month ahead.

If you are struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life, here are some ways that work for me and I hope will work for you.

Get some rest For me that has meant a great deal of sleeping and napping whenever I need to and trying not to beat myself up for being so pathetic. Fatigue is a very large part of my condition and fighting it is pointless. Most of us benefit from giving ourselves a proper rest. Everything is overwhelming when you are tired.
Night frets Four am seems to be the preferred time to wake and fret. My friend joked that we should set up a group chat then, since we are all awake anyway. When anxiety strikes, our disturbed sleep is often the first indicator. I would love to have a solution for this (and it would make me very rich) but all I can suggest is acceptance. I try not to watch the clock but rather to take it as a moment of rest -I’m under a cosy duvet after all. Meditation is also a good option. And sometimes these quiet moments allow us to find solutions to our problems. Like fatigue, going with it rather than against it paradoxically solves the issue.
Accept your feelings Recently, I have started to be much more honest about my feelings. Instead of reverting to the ‘I’m fine’ response, I tell the truth and say that I’m tired, angry, fed up or sad. Expressing it out loud to yourself and others, often improves things. Acknowledging and accepting how you feel frequently leads to that emotion quietly evaporating. Expressing it to others lets them know that you need more careful handling and that your silence or sadness is not their fault.
Write it down My morning pages work as a kind of therapy. There is nothing like exploring something that bothers you on the page to help you see the situation clearly and perhaps even find a solution. It doesn’t take long, but needs to be done in a quiet space without interruption. Keep writing until you feel there is nothing more to add. Don’t be afraid to look at the worst case scenario and how you might cope.
Find some time for what you love and energises you Take me outside for more than five minutes and my mood is guaranteed to lift. A little gardening and the scent of damp earth; a coffee in the spring sunshine; playing ball with Hermione in the garden – all of these are my resets to good mental health. The company of friends and crafts and art also do the trick. Make time for your happy places.
Be grateful Even when we are in the depths of despair, there is always something that we can think of to be grateful for. I begin each morning with a ‘Thank you for this day.’ Life itself is a gift. If we have nothing else, we have our breath.

**Wise words** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Lemonade production resumes

I nearly didn’t write this post because I was feeling, well, so tired and crabby! But action, in whatever form, is always better than inaction. My situation means that life will continually be hurling lemons and I have a choice to be subsumed by that or to make the best of it. So far, the proactive route has kept me more active and able than I dreamt possible.

This week, I had a wobble, but that’s okay too. There will be many more in the weeks and months ahead, I am quite sure. However, by accepting life’s unpleasant surprises (since I certainly can’t control them) and consciously looking for joy and beauty, I plan to keep those times to a minimum. I hope you can too.

Re-entry

Almost two years on from the beginning of the pandemic, life is returning to normal – at least on paper. England has lifted all legal restrictions relating to Covid and Scotland and Ireland are following, albeit more slowly. It should be a time for celebration. As someone whose life has been extremely restricted for the last two years, these increased freedoms should come as a welcome respite. However, the news fills me with equal quantities of exhilaration and dread.

**Medical illustration of Covid 19** Image: CDC on Unsplash

Desiring to be normal – needing to be safe

Though I welcome the freedoms and societal benefits that will accrue from a more open approach to business and life in general, I am left at something of a loss as to what those of us with underlying health issues are supposed to do. And it all rests on the rather rash suggestion that those testing positive are not required to self-isolate but only advised to do so. The Government clearly has a rather more optimistic view of the public’s sense of civic responsibility than I do – especially when that same Government was unable to discipline itself sufficiently to obey legally binding lock-down rules.

Further, by removing assistance from low income families should they test positive, the Government is de facto expecting infected, low wage workers to return to work and no doubt infect their colleagues. Do these individuals not count? Those in poorly paid employment seldom have the option of working from home that their middle class peers do, so this decision seems divisive in extreme. Add to this the removal of free testing and you have a formula for yet another spike in cases.

The poor, the disabled and the vulnerable, it seems, are expected to take their chances. We can either go back into isolation or risk serious illness. Do we go with the sunk cost theory -I’ve spent two years in isolation and that’s enough- and head out or do we continue until such a time as it seems only a minor risk? This is my conundrum this week and I am tired of constantly assessing the odds.

**To mask or not to mask?** Image: Ani Kolleshi on Unsplash

Who is vulnerable?

The obvious answer to this question is the old, the chronically ill and those at risk from infection. But I would argue that it goes far beyond that. We can be vulnerable economically too. When I was speaking to my hairdresser this week, I asked her opinion on the new policy and whether they would continue to ask customers to wear masks. She said, ‘Yes. We are all self-employed. And if we get sick, we lose two weeks’ pay.’ So far, her customers have all been more than amenable, but I hope that this will continue into the future.

Mental health over physical health

Anxiety arising from the risk of infection has not been the only issue these last couple of years. Anxiety on re-entering society after a prolonged period of isolation is equally impactful. There is a reason that the harshest punishment given to prisoners is a spell in solitary. It has the unfortunate effect of driving you crazy.

**Relaxing with friends is a vital part of our good mental health** Image: Elevate on Unsplash

Getting Hermione has been a life-saver on this front. Every day, I must go out to the park for her to exercise (and often twice). Here I meet friendly faces, have social interactions, and keep up my driving skills. In wide open spaces, there are no risks involved, so I get to enjoy a social life in absolute safety. During lock-down, I had my husband’s company and plenty of communication with friends via social media. But, my life-style is not usual and I feel very concerned for those who, having sacrificed their freedoms for so long, are not going to feel safe going out even now. Many, many healthy people have suffered mentally as a consequence of the pandemic. I cannot imagine how much worse this will be for those already struggling with fragile health.

Stepping out

With the Office of National Statistics estimating that one in twenty people have Covid at the moment, I shan’t be heading to any busy social venues soon. I shall, however, be increasing my trips to the shops and less densely populated areas. In a few weeks, as the worst part of the flu season comes to an end, I plan to resume visiting friends at home. Trips to cafes and restaurants will probably continue to be outside for a little longer.

In the end, it will be an act of faith. For any kind of normal life to happen for the vulnerable, we rely on the good sense and consideration of the healthy. The law may not require you to self-isolate when testing positive; the law may not require you to wear masks and no one will force you to stay at home if you feel unwell. However, such small sacrifices will open the world to freedoms that we have missed for far too long.

I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues

Ceaseless rain, freezing temperatures, days that seem to end before they have begun. Is it any wonder then that January, following so close on the heals of the sparkling festive season, often leaves us feeling down? The third Monday in January (the 17th this year) is often referred to as Blue Monday. We may have passed that date, but I think all of us need a little lift during the final weeks of winter. So I have compiled a list of suggestions to help you feel your best, whatever the weather.

**Look familiar?** Image: Valentin Muller on Unsplash

Brew Monday

I read in the news recently how the Samaritans have come up with an inspired idea for transforming a dull day into a bright, social one. Their Brew Monday campaign hopes to encourage us to use this date to get in touch and have a chat with a cup of tea to hand. Like the Macmillan coffee mornings, it is a good way to support a wonderful charity and if you’d like to take part next year or get suggestions for a meaningful conversation this, here’s the link: https://www.samaritans.org/support-us/campaign/brew-monday/

**A comforting cuppa** Image: Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

In this link, the Samaritans also offer suggestions on how to develop good listening skills. It is a skill that we do not give sufficient attention to. If you are going to talk to someone who is really feeling down, it might be an idea to check here first. If we are not sensitive to the needs of the speaker, we may make the situation worse rather than better.

When to turn to the professionals

We all want to help a friend in need and often we can, but we should also be aware of our limitations. Sometimes friends and loved ones have problems that are far beyond our expertise. When this is the case, the most help we can provide is in guiding them to someone who is trained to deal with these issues: a bereavement counsellor, their GP or even the Samaritans. We can always offer to accompany them on a visit.

Equally, we need to protect and nourish ourselves. Counsellors have their own counsellors to help them deal with the often distressing information that is shared with them. Give as much as you can, but if it is impacting you negatively, it is time to step back. It is too easy with those we love to both spiral into despair.

**Spending time together** Image: Jarritos Mexican soda on Unsplash

Practical solutions

Talking is not the only cure for the winter blues: spending time outside and exercising always enhances mood. If you are able to do that in the company of others, even better. Taking the dog to the puppy park each day has been my salvation. It may be freezing, but wrapped up in several layers, the cold can feel invigorating. There are always dogs who fancy a cuddle (including Hermione, who spends quite a lot of time on my lap) and I’m sure the act of stroking soft fur is itself soothing. Folks come and go. Some are regulars, who are becoming friends. Others may only give a cheery wave. In a time when so many of us feel rather isolated, even this modest connection helps.

Should leaving the warmth of the home not appeal, we can keep our spirits up by taking time to be creative in whatever way suits us best. I find having something to show for my day always makes me happy. Today, I baked bread after a few weeks off and was delighted to have something comforting to eat for my lunch and plenty for days to come. I experience a similar joy when I make a card for a friend or complete a small project. Perhaps the rule is to take time to do those things which make you happy, whether they be martial arts training or flower arranging. If we find ourselves too time poor to engage in anything that we love, we should consider a life audit!

**Few things beat a homemade loaf**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Embrace the season

This morning I was chatting in the puppy park with someone about the length of days. He said that he hated the short days of winter and longed for summer. I get that, but the shorter days can also be a boon. They give us an opportunity to physically and mentally regroup. Like the trees, which seem dormant throughout winter, we are just gathering our energies for the more active seasons to come.

Parts of Scandinavia are dark almost all day throughout winter. There is no point in fighting it, so they work with it instead. They take up winter sports and bake and make their homes more ‘hygge’. This year, I thought I would adopt some of these ideas and filled the house with twinkly lights and candles, blankets for snuggling under when watching TV and investing in quality knitwear. I make gallons of homemade soup and ‘spoil’ myself with good hot chocolate. All of these make me, and the day, seem brighter.

Of course, I still check the garden for the first signs of spring and look forward to the period when I won’t have to wear quite so many layers. That said, winter is proving to be much less of a burden this year than usual, despite the strange times we live in. I may be looking forward to spring, but for now, winter will do nicely.

Flowers, Feelings and Friendship

A flower a day keeps the blues at bay. While so many of us are struggling with our mental well-being at the moment, isn’t it good to know that a non-invasive solution is at hand? The power of flowers to dispel low mood and enhance well-being has been well documented. Studies conducted by the University of Vermont, Rutgers and Harvard all came to the same conclusion: flowers lead to an increase in happiness; boost creativity; foster greater compassion and more positive social behaviour. With so much to gain, it’s time to bring some floral healing into our lives and to share it with others too.

**Sunflowers *always* make me smile** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Flowers at home

According to a Harvard study, having flowers in the home for even a few days can reduce anxiety and lead to a more positive mindset. Flowers are wonderful anywhere, but if you are really needing a bit of a lift, the study recommends you keep some in the kitchen when you will see them at the beginning of the day. Starting with the beauty and serenity of flowers is bound to set you on the right track.

Personally, I like to have flowers everywhere – in my kitchen (where I also have several flowering plants), in the bathroom, the lounge etc. That way, if I can’t spend much time in the garden, I can bring its beauty to me.

Do they require a little attention? Of course they do, but they are the least demanding of residents. Fridays are for flowers, so I check that everything has been watered well, vases refreshed or new flowers chosen on that day. At most, it requires half an hour and I am rewarded with beauty for the rest of the week. Is it expensive? Not at all.

**Garden flowers** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Almost all my flowers are gathered from the garden and others have been generous in giving plants as gifts. I also have a lovely friend who gives me a miniature bouquet when she visits – often made up of wild flowers or tiny blooms from her garden and bound with a pretty ribbon. She uses grasses and seed heads and combines them with her artist’s eye into something exquisite. A stunning posy needs cost you nothing but a little time.

Support flowers

We’ve all heard of support animals, but what about support flowers? Personally, I think they have been overlooked. The same friend that brings the Lilliputian arrangements sends a daily picture of a flower to a number of friends via WhatsApp. Since she lives alone, it is an imaginative way of letting us all know that she is fine. It also gives her an opportunity to express her artistic flair.

When my friend in the States, who works as a court reporter, told me she was working on a grisly murder trial, I thought I would adapt the virtual flower message as one to give her cheer in what would be challenging days. So each morning, I select a joyful flower and email it with a brief note. This way, I can let her know I am thinking of her and I hope these images help erase the rather more gruesome ones she is forced to witness.

**Rather more appealing than a crime scene photo**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The gift of flowers

I read recently (I have no idea where) that flowers are the one gift that invariably brings a genuine smile to the recipient. So often we spend ages looking for exactly the right present only to discover that they have one already or they no longer favour that colour or design. With flowers, it is always a win. If you are feeling flush, delivered flowers have that extra level of excitement. And with excellent on-line choices, you can send them anywhere and in minimal time. During the first lock-down, when I was unable to go to the shops or post office, online flower services were my gift solution.

Now I am happy to go to the market or garden centre, my choices have expanded proportionately; though since it is summer, I would generally choose to go to my own garden first. The old fashioned and scented flowers I have there are seldom available in the shops.

And if I am just going for a coffee and want to bring a little something, miniature bouquets of the sort my friend brings are always an appropriate thank you. That is if I have no homemade cakes available!

**A tiny thank you** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Flower power

I hope this post inspires you to display, grow and share more flowers. A little natural beauty in our lives; the joy of creativity in arrangements and the flush of success when our flowers thrive and bloom again cannot be beaten. I’ve even started saving seeds to share or even guerrilla garden in neglected areas. Whatever flowers you choose; whichever way you present them, they will always raise your spirits – and I for one am often in need of that.

**Close up of a cornflower** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The Reading Cure

As anyone who knows me knows, I am a total bookaholic (or bibliophile to give its proper name). I adore books and read all the time. I am fairly indiscriminate: if it is in print, that will do. Packaging blurb, newspaper articles, novels and texts are all grist to my reading mill. And I require a constant and varied supply. Should I be denied anything to read for more than a few hours, I become as cranky as a toddler before nap time.

What am I reading at the moment? The Body by Bill Bryson (an introduction to human biology); the novel, Whistle in the Dark by Emma Healey and Shakespeare’s sonnets. Strictly speaking, I am not reading the Bryson book, my husband is reading it to me and more on that anon. Fortunately, unlike most addictions, reading is a very inexpensive one. Even an exquisite hard- back that offers hours of entertainment is unlikely to cost much more than £20. More often than not, my reading matter is free or cheap – borrowed from a friend or bought at the charity shop.

Life holds few greater pleasures than a cup of tea and a good book Image: Photo by My Life Journal on Unsplash

And if the joy of entering an imaginative world were not sufficient, it seems that books have yet another gift: they can make you well.

Books as medicine

Freud had the talking cure; bibliotherapists have the reading one. Though there is no empirical data to support this, anecdotal evidence from those in the mental health professions all have faith in its efficacy. Reading, it seems, like Heineken, reaches other parts other approaches cannot reach.

But here, the quality of reading matter does matter. A recent article in The Times explained that:

‘Classic works of literature by William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and other great writers can boost your brain and relieve depression, chronic pain and dementia – while self-help books are a waste of time.
Andrew Gregory, The Times, 1 March, 2020

Only when we are challenged in our reading – by more complex vocabulary; unpredictable plots and interesting phrasing and imagery, do we concentrate properly and thereby reap the benefits. Skim reading and easy texts and layouts (typical of the self-help genre) do us no good at all.

While reading great literature stimulates the brain, it opens our minds to the experiences of others and a realisation that what we may be suffering is not limited to ourselves. As Shakespeare put it so precisely:

It easeth some, though none it ever cured,
To think their dolour [unhappiness] others have endured.
Shakespeare, ‘The Rape of Lucrece’

Knowing we are not alone, eases our pain. Misfortune is isolating, but when we read about others who may have shared our troubles, we create a bond with a fellow sufferer. And unlike living relationships where we often conceal our faults and fears; fictional ones reveal theirs to our gaze. As a result, one often feels one knows more about characters than close relations.

Only connect

Reading and connecting with characters in books can significantly help with mental well-being. By adding a reading group, where there is both literary and social interaction, you can amplify the benefits.

The joy of reading with a friend! Image: Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

My book group has now been running for 26 years and still contains many of its original members. Though I doubt we can remember the titles of all the books we have read and discussed, we do still share the pleasure of each others’ company and memories of many happy evenings.

Book groups can be formed by anyone and if you are struggling to find other interested readers, groups are almost always on offer at your local library. Some reading circles will make the evening an impressive affair with themed food or even speakers, whilst the more modest might simply offer a cup of tea. Mine, I must confess, is never short of wine! How you plan your group is entirely up to you, but sharing a joy of reading is enough to ensure a good outcome.

Bedtime stories

Most of us will have fond memories of being read a book at bedtime as a child. There is something infinitely reassuring and restful about listening to another voice. Sadly, this practice usually stops when we are able to read independently.

It isn’t only babies who enjoy a story at bedtime

For many years now, my husband and I have read to each other at the end of the day (well, if I’m honest, my husband is more likely to read than me!) We are not alone in this: the owners of our favourite bookshop do the same. Often, reading for adults is seen as only applying to the visually- impaired, sick or elderly, but there is no reason for this to be the case. Everyone can enjoy the experience. And if you don’t have a reader of your own, audio books can be of service.

Reading aloud – and especially with others – does marvellous things and if we are feeling down or anxious or depressed, it may well provide the very lift we require. Though no-one seems to be able to quantify this scientifically, I think there are numerous components to why it soothes us – just like a sleepy child.

Reading aloud to another requires close proximity and feeling close is always a lovely feeling. Listening to a familiar voice telling an unfamiliar story, causes us to concentrate in ways that do not tire us, yet relieves us of more troublesome thoughts. Listening to a book – whether ‘live’ or recorded- encourages mental stimulation, increases our general knowledge and expands our vocabulary.

Knowing that the next ‘episode’ of a book will be read later in the evening, inevitably gives the end of the day a certain delightful anticipation. Sharing a book also provides a subject to discuss that is removed from the quotidian. But what I love best is that it permits us to turn off all the electronic distractions and instead focus on each other and the words on the page. Few would question that bedtime stories are good for children; perhaps it is time to remind ourselves and others that they are good for adults too!

Dark Days

As December sets in, the days begin to shorten ever more rapidly, compressing down to a mere eight hours of sunlight when the Earth tilts the furthest from the sun on the winter solstice.

With the weather often dismal, the skies an impenetrable grey, it seems as though dawn and dusk are interchangeable – a long, dull ache separating the night.

These are the dark days.

Life in monochrome Photo by Riccardo Chiarini on Unsplash

To combat this, almost all cultures have created winter festivals that celebrate light to combat the gloom and expel its accompanying sadness. Yet, this very insistence on jollity can itself be a burden for those who find this period of year a difficult one.

Christmas is presented as a time of family reunion, friendship and conviviality, but for many it will be a bitter-sweet reminder of those they have lost. My brother died when he was a young man and I have spent every Christmas since becoming a little unhinged (which fortunately my husband understands) until I have visited the cemetery and laid an evergreen wreath. This year, it will be for my father too. Blessed are those who will not be grieving someone this Christmas.

With the focus on parties and socialising, those suffering from isolation are isolated further. Harsh weather conditions make mobility even more of a mine-field and fragile health will cause many to stay indoors to avoid the risks of cold and flu. But in doing so, they will miss the tonic of friendship which fends off melancholy.

Unfortunately, depression will strike most of us at some point in our lives. Usually, we can shrug it off, but if it continues, we need to have the courage to ask for (and if appropriate) offer help. In certain instances, it is related to the weather. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is most common during the winter months and is worsened by staying inside. If your depression is seasonal, the NHS gives helpful information here: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad/ If your depression has gone beyond what you feel able to cope with, contact your GP or an organisation such as The Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/.

Chiaroscuro – light and shadow

Light and shadow Photo by Jaye Wagner on Unsplash

The great masters knew that the best way to perceive darkness was through the addition of light – that as a sort of optical yin and yang, they were inseparable from each other.

And this is the essence of this post. No-one’s life is composed of solely happy, carefree days any more than a year is filled with temperate, summer ones. Our days, like the weather, shift and change, fleeting as the clouds on the horizon. The assumption that because it is the Christmas season, we will be happy is as misconceived as it is dangerous.

We know very well that this is a period of real mental trial for many. If I have been a bit of a downer in this post, I apologise, but I didn’t want to go full swing into the Christmas period (which I love) without first giving voice to my concerns.

Dark days are not to be shunned and those who experience them outcast. They are reminders of the transitory nature of things and as such to be welcomed and acknowledged with the same grace as any other part of our lives.

So, if you are struggling at this time of year, please know that you are not alone. We just need to hold fast. Brighter days are coming.