All I am Saying, is Give Peace a Chance

Last week, as restrictions were being lifted, I looked forward to our conversations revolving around something other than the pandemic. Perhaps we could resume our British preoccupations with the weather; the emergence of spring blooms and planned days out. Unfortunately, this was not to be. I returned home from the puppy park to discover that Russia had invaded the Ukraine.

My buoyant mood was deflated in an instant. The long peace we have enjoyed in the West for over 70 years has been shattered and the cold war, dormant for so long, is back.

Under such circumstances, it is only natural to feel a sense of helplessness. We can take the practical step of supporting those agencies who are doing their best to support those caught up in the conflict. (And I would urge you to do so.) But no matter how generous our donation, we know that it is merely a sticking plaster over a great wound. What we can do to have more lasting effects is to cultivate peace within ourselves. When we hold peace within us, conflict cannot take hold.

**A gentle reminder on my book case** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Peace! I hate the word

Like Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet, peace is an anathema to many. One only has to witness the excitement of journalists reporting the conflict, our own raised voices and the buzz of speculation. Because conflict is exciting. It is drama. It has high stakes and terrible, tragic stories. Anger enlivens us; peace requires no voice.

**Romeo meets the fiery Tybalt** Image: painting by Prince Albert

Putin is almost a caricature of a James Bond villain. He’s Russian for a start, ex head of the infamous Federal Security Service (previously the KGB) and a dubiously elected president. The mere mention of his name is likely to raise our blood pressure. But bear with me here, this is where we must start. When Jesus counselled us to love our enemies, he meant all of them- even those like Putin. Because when we fall for the temptation to vilify and turn men into monsters, we lose the calm bearing and centeredness that is essential to finding avenues for resolution.

Acknowledge your anger, of course, but let it go. When we carry anger within us – even of a news story of a country far away whose ongoing conflicts have hardly penetrated our radar before now – it curdles relationships and our own equilibrium.

Making space for peace

When we are at peace, we do not experience stress or anxiety and the techniques we use to achieve peace are similar to those for stress reduction. We might search for it through religious observance or meditation, while walking in nature or going for a swim. We can find it in practising gratitude. We can find it in moments of stillness and quiet. In our busy world, we may need to look hard to find such sanctuary : but look we must.

We do not find it in the Siren call of the media. As I have written before, the media thrives on conflict and provocation. It is important to be informed, but we need not glue ourselves to the screen or the papers to keep up-to-the minute on news coverage.

Putin puts Russia’s nuclear force on high alert

Ukraine’s president agrees to peace talks as battles rage in Kyiv and Kharkiv

Inflammatory language. One of this week’s headlines in The Times

We can make a space for peace with our friends and in conversation. The subject of the Ukraine, with all its terrifying possible ramifications, is almost certain to come up, but we need not catastrophise. If we make our goal to soothe and reassure, we will have helped restore some balance and equanimity.

Unity over Division

For peace to occur in ourselves and our communities, we need to learn to face outwards and not inwards. I read an excellent quote in The Times recently by David Isaac, Chair of the Equality and Human Rights Commission. He said, ‘The key issue is how do we move beyond the ‘I’ to the ‘we’, how do we think of ourselves as citizens in a country or in the world who are not just focused on what works for me and my narrow group. How do we ensure that we think about people who are different to us?’ He was not referring to war, but the principle is the same. We cannot kill those whose innate humanity we see is shared with us. We cannot wreck havoc on a country whose essentials: countryside, buildings, industry are only marginally different from our own.

**Soldiers or young men?** Image: Tapio Haaja on Unsplash

I read a rather disturbing email forwarded from someone in the Ukraine. Reports of their suffering were upsetting, but for me, just as disturbing was the line: ‘Yesterday the Ukraine army had a huge success with the fighting and many Russian soldiers were killed.’ I certainly don’t want Russia to succeed, but nor do I want the world to forget that those Russian soldiers are sons and brothers. Many (perhaps even the majority) are conscripts drawn from the poorest and most disadvantaged sections of society. As in the US during the Vietnam conflict, wealth and education can help you dodge the draft. It is unlikely these young men have any particular feelings about annexing the Ukraine, yet their lives are expended to this end.

So if we hold the Ukraine in our prayers and thoughts, let us hold everyone – even those whose actions we abhor. If we would like there to be peace, we must first cultivate love.

Peace be with you.

Harmony

We live in divisive times. These last few years have seen fractures widening on so many issues: Brexit, Trump, race, gender and sexual orientation. Increasingly, what began as dialogue and debate has fallen into the shrill cry of outrage. And as each shouts louder, the quiet voice of reason is drowned out.

Without doubt, there has been plenty to be concerned about. Injustices too many to count have occurred; individuals and groups have suffered. There is much to be done. But talking and blaming are the least likely routes to a lasting solution. Our only hope is in learning to listen.

Many notes, but one beautiful sound Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

When singing in a choir, as much of our energy needs to be directed to what everyone else is singing as in following our own lines. The diversity of the notes, the varying ranges and tones are what makes the music beautiful. So too, in society.

We need diversity to thrive. We need to have our ideas and values challenged. Without this, we risk falling into a sort of mono political void – where the extremes of Nazism on the right and communism on the left reside.

Recently, I have been very disturbed by the tendency of the cancel culture to fall into this very trap where their battle cry is: If you do not agree with me, then I shall ostracise you, or worse have you lose your job. In the defence of one kind of thinking, individuals have simply suppressed another.

And it is so seductive. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling right? Who doesn’t enjoy that sense of moral superiority? We post and repost sometimes cruel memes, knowing that we will be rewarded with smiley faces and supportive comments. No-one I know likes Trump, for example, and his behaviour has been outrageous. However, I fear that in joining the jeering masses that criticise him, we too have become diminished. If we fill our heads with hate, I fear our hearts soon follow.

And the wedge between those who support him and those who do not widens further. What we need to do is ask why anyone would support such a man. The same has been true of Brexit in the UK. It is so easy to view the holder of the opposite opinion as a fool or worse. And perhaps some are, but when it literally divides a nation in half, we should assume that there is some cause for their position. If we discuss, if we listen, we may discover that they have cause for their beliefs. We may unearth the very fears and difficulties that led them to it. We may, if we are willing to dive into that messy, challenging area of policy change, work towards helping resolve them.

Black lives matter

Together, black and white make beautiful music Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Of course, black lives matter and the global protests have sparked a long-overdue discussion of how race impacts lives. That so many (of every hue) marched in support of this is a sign that a good number genuinely value our multi-cultural society. But speeches, and marches, only go so far. We need to engage with one another and this is not possible when either side is viewed as the enemy. I was somewhat appalled to see when I opened my online library catalogue that one of the best sellers was titled: Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People about Race. Ironically, I’m sure that it will be read by numerous white readers wishing to improve their understanding, but it saddens me nonetheless that many feel the divide is unbridgeable.

Perhaps a sign of hope should be taken from the star of Biden’s inauguration: a young black woman reciting her own work with the first female, mixed race Vice-President sitting behind her.

Brilliant and wise words

Let it begin with me

Since my post was going to be about harmony – blending a variety of voices into one beautiful sound, I looked for an appropriate audio-visual representation and found this gorgeous choir below. The singers come from diverse backgrounds. If I was looking for something to sum up what I hoped to say, it is this.

And let it begin with me is a powerful challenge. Ultimately, we cannot wait for others to show us the way. The times are too pressing for that. We can only look to our shared humanity and follow the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. When I meditate on equality, I always come back to this. It is as simple to say as it is difficult to carry out. Yet if we wish to live in a world where we respect and value each other, we really don’t have an option.

Life is What Happens: Part 1

There is no better way to sum up last year than with the adage, ‘Life is what happens when you are making other plans.’ In January, while news reports of a strange ‘flu in China filtered through to the West, we were eagerly awaiting a year filled with adventure. My diary was crammed with activities up until June: visits from distant family and friends; the Oxford literary festival; a long-awaited trip to Long Island and the chance to hug my granddaughter.

Though I can’t hug her, through photos and video calls, I can see her grow. Sofia on the beach. Image: Scott Costello-McFeat

On the morning of the 21 March, I was at the hairdresser, joking about folks taking the ‘flu far too seriously. Later that day, I read in the news that I should self-isolate. This was no ordinary virus; this was something else. And so began what I can only describe as nine months of house arrest. I have occasionally ventured further afield – to collect our puppy; to visit the countryside nearby and Alfriston, but effectively, I have been contained within a 1/4 mile radius.

Be careful what you wish for

On the surface, this appeared like a nightmare. And for many, I’m sure it has been. But for me, despite my love of ordinary life, it has been a wish granted. For years, I have dreamt of being on a retreat and of living a life of pared-down simplicity. I love quiet and contemplation and the rush and bustle of the everyday works against that. With no-where to go and no-one to see, here was my chance. So I took it, and in doing so have found innumerable blessings in this strange, contained life.

Peace

I live on a busy road, so the hush of lock-down has been a boon indeed. Sitting in the garden, every bird call, every rustle of leaves is audible, since it is no longer muffled by the incessant undertow of rumbling traffic. My meditation practice has become routine and unlaboured. No longer do I need to squeeze it into the cracks of the day, but I can indulge whenever I want. I’ve found a system that works for me: 15 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night while doing my breathing exercises. This morning, there was a beautiful dawn, so before doing anything else, I did my meditation and watched as the clouds gradually lost their rosy underbellies. Observing beauty and experiencing deep peace is a wonderful way to begin the day.

Enjoying the tranquillity of Nature Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Reconnecting with the land

Perhaps the most important element to my good health during lock-down has been my garden (and I have no idea how someone stuck in a flat could manage). It has brought me endless delight in the ever shifting seasons. It has brought me food from the vegetable patch and spurred me to improve my cooking skills – especially in regard to preserving and utilising the harvest.

The garden as metaphor has worked its magic too. Half my plants were eaten by wildlife, blown over by fierce winds or stolen by the birds. Some plants thrived, whilst others, mysteriously died. The garden was an illustration in miniature of life itself: we may put in any amount of effort, but chance always plays its part. If we delude ourselves that we are in control, we shall only suffer stress and misery. If we accept these casualties of fate, we will survive in relative equilibrium. As someone whose tendency is to want to order and control everything, this has been an invaluable lesson for me. Whilst Nature firmly puts us in our place (a fairly insignificant speck in the universe), she also gives us hope. There are always new crops, new flowers, new skies. Winter, with its honeyed light, silver frosted lawns, and silhouette trees will be replaced by the exuberant greens of spring and the scent and colours of endless flowers. Life, always, goes on.

Company

The most precious thing that this strange year has brought me is my husband’s company. From being someone who toiled for ridiculously long hours, slipping away before I was awake and returning as evening fell, now he was someone who was home all the time. At first, he replaced work with frantic DIY projects, but slowly, he too began to relax and just enjoy being. For once, we worked together: on the garden and the home, cooking and learning new skills. As a prelude to retirement, it has been a very positive one.

Life is better with a dog! Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

And, of course, working from home, made getting a puppy possible. Hermione has brought us infinite amounts of joy that well outweigh the (not inconsiderable) amount of effort and time required to raise her. She is a little bundle of cheerful mischief who always wants to be as close to you as possible – and who doesn’t enjoy that level of adoration? She has also meant we spend vast amounts of time outside and even with the foul winter weather, that too has played a very large part in keeping us mentally and physically well.

And last, but by no means least, this period has forged friendships rather than breaking them. My weekly chats on the phone or video calls has meant that we are all completely up to date with each others’ lives. And a huge thank you to all of you who have indulged me in this – I know I would not have made it this serenely without you!

There are even a few people who I am in contact with more than before, because changes in their working lives have given them more time. Others have just made the effort to make friendships more solid. My lovely friend from university, for example, set up a wee WattsApp group, so my old housemates and I can share jokes and stories. Though this year’s reunion has been postponed, we are all up-to-date with each other’s news and will have plenty to blab about when we finally get together next year.

As I write, it is New Year’s Eve and like the rest of us, I am looking forward to the New Year and what it may bring. Unlike last year, I don’t have any plans, though. I will take things as they come and try to remain flexible.

And in part 2 of this post, I’d like to look at all the ways we can take the blessings of this strange year to improve our lives in 2021. See you next year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Good Intentions

The road to hell, they say, is paved with good intentions, but not because our intentions are inherently evil, but rather when not acted upon, leave us with our usual flawed behaviours. The trick is to have intentions that we make good upon.

While listening to a wonderful webinar on meditation practice on the OMS website, one of the things the speaker, Phil Startin, recommended was setting one’s intentions for the day. He is not alone in suggesting a daily practice of goal setting, but this was a little different. These were not goals in the sense of achieving an objective – baking a cake, running 5K (!) or doing a kind deed, but in regard to one’s behaviour. ‘How do I want to behave today?’ he asks. It is a question worth pondering.

Here is the whole webinar, should you wish you watch it!

Intention meditation

Phil went on to say how he considers both how he will act and how he will communicate, with the intention of making both more loving and kind. His ideas were something that resonated with me, but how to incorporate this into my daily practice? I try to do a formal meditation each morning for about 15 minutes with mini, informal ones throughout the day. Like most people, I struggle to keep my focus, but here was a way I might do that and give my day a unique sense of purpose. It took me a while to come up with a plan and then I remembered the Quaker testimonies or guide to living that is neatly summed up in the acronym STEEP. The letters stand for: simplicity, truth, equality, environment and peace.

So after a few, deep breaths and a mini-body scan to ground me in the present, I begin.

Simplicity

Let me live simply. How does this work in our world of abundance? We could don sackcloth and live in bare rooms with only Shaker furniture, but I’m not sure that is necessary. I have spent more time thinking about this one than any other and know I shall spend much more time still. My best suggestion to myself is to avoid being seduced by the siren song of materialism. Simplicity is not about depriving oneself but rather avoiding excess. Whatever we have should be valued and honoured. When we appreciate what we have, we seldom want more.

Truth

Let me speak the truth and be true to myself. Speaking the truth as you see it is not always easy and certainly not always popular. However, to retain our self-respect, we do need to be honest about what we believe. There is no need to proselytise, but we should not shrink from our opinion, even as we acknowledge that we might be wrong!

Sometimes the truth hurts or is simply overwhelming. If this is likely to be the case, I try to adopt Emily Dickinson’s strategy of ‘Tell all the truth but tell it slant’. Avoiding hurt is always more important than being right. Here’s her poem in full.

Tell all the truth but tell it slant

Tell all the truth but tell it slant —
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind —

Equally vital is to stay true to our essential being. We all play roles: mother, wife, daughter, father, husband, son, but these do not reflect who we are. Our true being is much greater and complex. Finding ourselves beneath the roles is a quest on its own, but one which quiet times allow us to embark upon.

Equality

Let me treat everyone as an equal. This one looks so simple, but is the most complex of all. There are inequalities of all kinds of relationships from families to race. I usually pick one to focus upon, as there is so much to contemplate. We can think of transactional analysis where we relate to each other as parent, adult or child (ideally, we relate as adult to adult), or we can think in terms of class struggle: do I look down on those who are financially worse off and unthinkingly admire the wealthy? Then there is race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, disability etc. All the ‘isms’ are best avoided, but we will have more work to do than simply speak in a politically correct way. Christ probably put it most succinctly when he said, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ If we can manage that, we really will have a more equal society.

Environment

Let me honour this world that is my home. I’ve always been a keen environmentalist and struggle constantly with how modern living affects the earth. We cannot fail to make some impact, but we can attempt to make it as small as possible. The Jehovah’s witnesses believe that man has stewardship over the earth rather than dominion. I think they have a point. By setting our intention each morning to look after the world rather than despoil it, we can inform our actions accordingly. By fostering a love of the outdoors, I believe that we make this goal easier still.

Peace

Let me promote peace in my relationships and in my being. Peace, like most things, starts at home. If we can work on creating more peaceful relationships with those we interact with, we can hope to bring peace to others too. It may mean doing something as simple as holding your tongue when someone says something unpleasant or expects you to like a cruel meme. We can fuel the fire or we can take away its oxygen.

As for ourselves, we are cauldrons of emotions – often negative ones. I am no exception here and was famous for my daily rant to my poor office mate in South Carolina. Apologies! There is so much injustice, wickedness, corruption and plain stupidity in the world that it is easy to spend one’s life in a state of permanent outrage. Yet, our anger is of no purpose if we don’t seek solutions. More often than not, we simply disturb the equilibrium of the listener and, of course, ourselves . Finding a centre of peace and loving kindness will lead to ripples of the same extending outward from us. Achieving a state of peace is a life-long challenge, but when I succeed in holding it, even for a few minutes, it is as wonderful as it gets.

Have it your way

Living intentionally doesn’t require joining a convent or a cult. It only requires that you commit to the idea of living with a purpose and setting your intention to do it. As is true for anything worthwhile, it demands a certain amount of discipline and commitment. What are your values? Use these to create your own acronym and guide your morning contemplations. These could develop into prayers or mantras or as a focus for your thoughts. Whatever you choose, it will help you start your day in a positive and hopeful way. And we will all benefit from that.

Suffering

This week’s post was inspired by a line from a novel I read recently. The protagonist is in a meditation class and she reports what the teacher says:

She gave us a formula: suffering = pain + resistance.
Jenny Offill, Weather

And that was it. The novel moves on. I read the line once and then again. I looked for some development of the idea, some clarification, but there was nothing. I was left with this line spinning around my head, tapping me on the shoulder at odd moments, nudging me to find a solution.

Days went by and then a week and then more days. I’d like to say that I cracked it, but I’m not sure. What it did do was make me think much more deeply about suffering.

It is rather like when you buy a new car. It seems so unique and exciting in the showroom. You’ve seldom seen such a gorgeous model before and you drive it home full of pride. Then, over the next few days, you notice a few cars exactly the same as yours and eventually you realise they are everywhere. As with suffering. If you can steel yourself to look, it is all around you.

Hiding in plain sight

For the uncomfortable truth is that we all suffer and yet we are loath to talk about it or address it. It is unseemly, impolite. A lovely neighbour of mine who died of cancer of the oesophagus, said to me when I was unwell myself, ‘Always look cheerful and don’t complain or no-one will talk to you.’ I was slightly aghast and reasoned that maybe it was a generational or a man thing. However, I’ve since come to realise that he was right. There is acceptable suffering: the holiday was cancelled; the traffic bad; the weather awful. Then there is the unacceptable kind: I’m in pain; my anxiety is terrible; I’m afraid or simply sad.

Incapacitated by sadness Image: Zygimantas Dukaukas on Unsplash

Feeling uncomfortable?

Apologies if you are uncomfortable, but there is no other way that I can share this. And if you bear with me, I think there are paths we can take that will be beneficial to all of us. We may dream of a world where pain is abolished, but the truth is that suffering is woven into life’s fabric far too closely to be removed. If joy is the warp, pain is the weave.

As if to prove the point, our amazing progress in the developed world may have saved us from the apocalyptic suffering of the developing nations, but it has not made us happier or pain-free. We may be diverted from suffering by drugs and distractions, but it still crouches in the corner awaiting to ambush us when our guard is down.

In fact, I believe that our insistence that suffering can be overcome is the very thing that prevents us from finding the solution. For if the mediation teacher is correct and suffering = pain + resistance, we need to change the formula.

A new formula

In this equation, we need to substitute two elements: suffering and resistance. Pain, I’m sure you agree, is a constant. From the little reading I’ve done in Western Buddhism, I know that resistance is to be avoided, so I’m going to substitute resistance with acceptance. What then would that equate to? What is the opposite of suffering? I would argue: peace – being at peace within ourselves and our bodies no matter how imperfect they are. So our new formula reads:

Peace = pain + acceptance

Peace be with you Image: Sunyu on Unsplash

First steps

Perhaps the first and most important step is acknowledging suffering in ourselves and others. Denial or wishing to fix it represents our discomfort with an unpleasant reality. It takes courage to look distress in the eye without flinching.

Yet, if we can do this, a kind of healing takes place. Through listening to another’s pain, we are acknowledging it; giving it serious attention. In doing so, we accept the situation and help the sufferer to accept it also. It is the greatest kindness we can give. After all, any true improvement needs to come from the one who suffers themselves. That may indeed involve intervention from other experts – but they must book the appointment.

Compassion

Compassion literally means to suffer together. When we show compassion then, we do not look down or pity the victim, but we hold them as equals. It is a difficult thing to do, not least because there is an obvious imbalance between the giver and receiver. We also have to let go of the egotistical desire to be praised for doing a good deed. We have to draw upon the knowledge of our own suffering to meet that of our friend. We can then stand by them with full understanding and love. And with that acceptance, comes peace.

Come under my umbrella and we can both keep dry Image: JW on Unsplash

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