When the year turned to 2020, I was full of hope. We had celebrated in the Highlands in proper Scottish fashion (think pipers and sword dancing) and anticipated an amazing year ahead. Our diary was already filled with literary events, family visits and a trip to the US. Of course, none of that came about and now I know better.
Because whatever you think will happen in life, often doesn’t. And whatever you think won’t does.
So a few years older, and I hope wiser, this year I’m going with the flow.
Going along for the ride
Rather than trying to micromanage my future, I’m taking a mystery tour on the magic bus that is life.
It will keep moving forward in whatever direction it chooses and there is something rather wonderful about that. Accepting how little control we actually have is rather liberating. As someone who has spent their entire life planning ahead, it has taken a great leap of faith to adopt this attitude, but with so much of my life in abeyance this year, it seemed the only sane approach to take.
Stress, is more often than not, a result of frustrated desire. We want to do so much but can actually do so little. We want to control outcomes that are seldom under our control. Stress is often what kills us.
That said, it does not mean that I’m abandoning everything. I have many responsibilities. I am only letting go of the delusion that my future can be sculpted by my hands.
Fit to travel
Rather than focusing on what lies ahead, I am working on what is happening now and I want that now to be as fulfilling and wonderful as I can make it. Having rediscovered that what makes me happy – really happy – is language, nature and creativity – that is where I’m placing my attention.
Quite a few of my good habits have gone awry recently, so I’m trying to bring them back one at a time.
As an incentive to practice, I’ve paid for a year in advance on my Duo-Lingo account. The site also badgers me daily to do a little Ukrainian.
My morning pages (which sometimes veer into evening) are back on track and if I don’t have time for art, as such, I doodle in my journal or decorate the margins with washi tape. I even managed a speedy collage that makes me smile each time I open it. Creativity doesn’t need to be a huge commitment to be enjoyable.
Personal time for reading is back on the menu with library deadlines helping to keep me focussed. Meditation, formal and informal, back in play.
I just need to find time for yoga!
Life’s spanner
As if on cue, life decided to demonstrate the veracity of my post. Just as I got half-way through, I was felled by a particularly nasty UTI. Sadly, MS makes me particularly vulnerable to infection and infection can lead to relapse.
Fortunately, I had thought ahead enough to ensure I had emergency antibiotics. Some planning is essential! Though all the lovely things I had scheduled for the following days were put on hold.
Feeling terrible, with all my MS symptoms vying for ascendency, there was nothing to do but wait for the worst to pass. The antibiotics performed their miracle of healing and I was at least able to sleep. Today, I am better still, if dreadfully tired and tomorrow, I hope to be able to visit Chichester as planned.
No doubt it will be a quieter and more relaxed visit – but then, that may be no bad thing.