The Power of Love

As we celebrated Valentine’s Day this week, I thought it would be the ideal time to write about the power of love. We tend to think of love as something romantic – a sexual pairing, but the Greeks were much more expansive in their views. They had eight words for love and each one has its own distinct characteristics.

Romantic love

Eros – It is love based, at least initially, on sexual attraction. This powerful love has fuelled some of the greatest art, in every medium, from opera to pop, plays to film, fine art to graffiti.

Romantic love is so powerful, because it ignites our passions and fills us with a sense of euphoria. This phase of romantic love is called Ludus or playful love. Though what begins with puppy-like affection can turn, when misdirected, to Mania or obsessive love. Not everyone can handle the power of love.

No doubt, St Valentine would not be impressed that his sainthood has become associated with Eros, having died in defence of his faith. He was, however, attributed with marrying Christian couples against the wishes of the Emperor, Claudius II. So perhaps, there was a little bit of the romantic in him after all.

Love and marriage

Ideally, married love endures and fulfils the promise ‘Till death do us part.’ When this occurs, the heady rush of erotic love matures into Pragma. When we see a sweet old couple sitting together in the park, we are witnessing this love. Though love as a marathon event is not always the easiest, it is the one designed to yield the greatest rewards. The power of this love is in offering stability in society as a whole and in the smaller unit of the family. Though it may not be attainable for everyone, it is still one that I think is worth aiming for.

Linked to this love is Storge or family love. It is the intense bond a parent feels for a child and family members for each other. It is equally applicable to friends who, through long acquaintance and deep affection themselves become ‘family’. As families become more fractured by geography or separation, it becomes increasingly important that we nurture this kind of love. Though often overlooked, I feel this love is the glue that binds us and helps us to develop the skills to love those outside our immediate circle.

Platonic love

More appropriate loves to attribute to St Valentine would be Agape and Philia. The first is the most comprehensive love, since it embraces everyone in its affection. It is unconditional and compassionate. In following Jesus’ teaching, St Valentine did love all and even cured his jailor’s daughter of her blindness. His desire to spread his faith extended to trying to convert the emperor, though this sadly, proved a step too far.

Philia or brotherly love, is an ideal love between friends and equals. To the Greeks, this was one of the most important forms of love, far surpassing that of the erotic. And I think they had a point. Our longest standing relationships are those of our childhood and early adulthood. These are friends who, when we meet up again after even the longest separation, feel as comfortable and cosy as a hand knitted jumper. For me, these friends automatically fall into the category of family. They have always been my safety net and I feel infinitely blessed to have them. Though I think this love can be stretched fairly thin, personally, I feel they are too precious to allow to drift. Keeping in touch; letting them know you care, invariably strengthens this powerful love.

Love yourself

Loving yourself –Philautia -is a more complex one. In one unhealthy extreme it becomes narcissism, but in its proper manifestation it is a crucial element in finding all the other kinds of love. For if we do not love ourselves, how are we to love anyone else? Self-care and self-compassion are vital to our well-being. Just as in the safety manual of an airplane, we are told to put on our own oxygen mask before attempting to secure another’s, we must make sure we take care of our own mental and physical health before attempting to engage in anyone else’s.

This truth has become glaringly obvious to me over the past few years. Every step I take to maintain the best health I am able allows my husband to live a normal life. Were I to quit trying and slump on the sofa, I would soon deteriorate to a point where he would have to stop work and look after me. Self-care is often far from selfish and though my case is perhaps more obvious, it applies, to some extent, to every one of us.

Self-love does not mean that we have an exaggerated, positive view of ourselves. Proper self-love acknowledges our own imperfections and, rather than projecting them onto others, works to rectifying them whilst compassionately accepting our inherent imperfection.

So, perhaps we should be writing a love letter to ourselves this year. (And all the other folks who make our lives a little more special.) Love is far too powerful an emotion to be restricted to just one day. I believe that expressing your love everyday seems a much better idea.