karencostellomcfeat

The Space Between

Last Sunday, I experienced a wonderful example of synchronicity at my Quaker meeting. Having completely overdone it all week (and several of the weeks before), I was feeling exhausted and emotionally depleted. My desire to complete The Artist’s Way course properly meant that a further one to two hours needed to be found in my day to meet all my commitments. Yet, exhaustion meant my early rising was becoming less manageable and my routine of meditation and yoga was being squashed into the margins of the day. Something was going to have to give.

The meeting, itself a much needed source of quiet and reflection, was opened with a section of poetry. It went like this:

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely 
as a pail of water would.

From 'Fire' by Judy Brown

We all nodded, listened again and went on to our own thoughts on the matter. I suspect that everyone of us was aware of how our lives attempt to contain ‘too much of a good thing’. Our fear of missing out often resulting in our missing everything. (In my case, because I’ve spent the day resting or in bed.)

Making space

How do we make space when there are endless demands on our time and equally endless things to do and explore? This question has haunted me throughout the week. But I want to do everything; have a full social calendar; be creative; be Zen – my child self complains. And though popular culture suggests that ‘having it all’ is the most natural goal in the world, real life quickly reminds us otherwise.

**Fires and we burn brightest when we have air to breathe** Image: Max LaRochelle on Unsplash

The non-negotiables

Our first task in moving towards a more manageable life-style must surely begin with list of things that we absolutely have to do. These are what I consider the non-negotiables. Mine include all those activities that ensure I maintain optimal health for my condition. These include:

Sufficient sleep and rest time (ten hours per day) – yup, not a lot of day left already!
Yoga
Meditation
Cooking and meals
Personal hygiene and health care

Next, I’m going to add those other necessary activities:

Exercising Hermione
Maintaining a home
Down-time at the end of the day
Communicating with others
Work and volunteering

I’m now at 18.5 hours!

Things I absolutely want to do!

The Artist’s Way and creative work
Social activities

This leaves me with about 1 hour leeway for unexpected events like notifying everyone of my son’s engagement. It has proven a rather enlightening (if depressing exercise). But it is one that, should you also be finding yourself frazzled by the end of the day, might be worth doing.

We all have the same twenty-four hours and most of us have some control over how we spend them. Much as I’d like to make my day more elastic, wishing will not make it so.

Even with the wriggle room of holidays and weekends to catch up on housework, gardening and chores, we need to be careful to keep some of that time available for what it is meant for – a proper rest.

Space invaders

**What gobbles up your time?** Image: Bady Abbas on Unsplash

With so little time to do everything that needs to be done, we simply cannot afford to have others siphon away any of it. All our time is precious, so if we are constantly bombarded by those wishing an audience, we need to politely and firmly say no.

If, like me, this is really hard, we can make a mental check on the time available and say, I just have x minutes. I’d love to hear your news, but after that I need to go/get on. The same applies to phone calls. For persistent offenders, try to communicate by text. They can only write so much and you at least can read it at your leisure!

We are often pressured into attending events for which we have little appetite, but again, we should not be. It isn’t necessary to pretend to be busy or to justify our position. We can still be polite and decline. Perhaps the best answer was spoken by the inimitable Bartleby the Scrivener who when asked to perform unwelcome tasks said, ‘I would prefer not to.’

I really need to practise all of these.

Space to grow

Of course, the space between referred to in the poem above, refers to much more than simply finding time to do all the things we love. It means finding the space to grow and develop into our best selves. Those who garden know that planting too closely results in stunted or failing crops. Only when we have room to explore, to branch out, can we hope to thrive.

Further, when we have sufficient oxygen to burn brightly, we can share that fire with others, whether in direct action or an enthusiastic welcome to the world. Our energy can energise others creating a virtuous cycle of positivity. So if you think that finding space for yourself is selfish, think again. It is probably the kindest and most useful thing you can do for others.

**Burn bright and share your warmth** Image: Nik Shulianhin on Unsplash

(No) Reading Week

No-one can say that the universe hasn’t got a sense of humour. After last week’s post in which I smugly urged us all to reduce our screen time to allow greater creativity in our lives, I reached chapter four in The Artist’s Way.

And what should be this week’s challenge? Something far, far worse than putting down my phone. For a week, I am not allowed to read – anything. No books, no magazines, no on-line articles. If it is in print, I must avert my eyes. What kind of psychopath is this woman? I wondered. Artists are invariably readers. How will I survive?

**Bibliophile heaven** Image: Alfons Morales on Unsplash

Is there life without books?

Because reading is what I do. I am seldom to be found without at least two books on the go. I read the labels on packaging. I read the adverts on bus shelters. When it comes to text, I have no off button.

This last week has been a rather peculiar torture. At first, I found it almost unbearable. I wanted to satisfy my itch to read the news; to take a spare half hour to read my novel; to sink into the oblivion of fiction. But at the same time, it made me question, as I have never done before, my relationship with books, and it is not as healthy as I thought.

**What child isn’t encouraged to read?** Image: Tim Alex on Unsplash

The literary fix

If, as Marx suggested, ‘religion is the opiate of the masses’ then I would propose that books are the opiate of the middle classes. It is not only an acceptable narcotic, it is a positively celebrated one – giving us the highs and oblivion of a class A drug.

It suggests that we live in an ordered universe when we clearly do not. It’s a simulacrum that is seductively appealing. We argue about the big issues at our book groups and base our cases on fiction. Which is not to say that such matters should not be debated, but in my experience, it seldom leads to action. Just as Marx saw religious observance as hindering political progress, would it be too bold to say that fiction may serve the same function?

When we read, our sense of a just and fair universe is upheld. For even if a book contains much darkness (as the Narnia books certainly do) it is controlled and resolved by a higher power (the author). With the exception of the highly disturbing, The Talented Mr Ripley, we can count on evil being punished and good rewarded. If only this were true in real life.

**Madame de Pompadour enjoying a good read.** Image: François Boucher – Unknown source, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=518252

How things change

Books and reading have historically been the preserve of the rich: literacy and the cost of texts saw to that. Yet, when publishing became cheaper and literacy rates rose, reading became something that everyone could do. Free lending libraries being the final nudge towards the pleasure of reading being fully accessible.

We all assume today that reading and encouraging our children to read is the highest goal. Books = good.

It has not always been this way. The novel was viewed with suspicion (being, as it was, a complete fabrication) and possibly having ill effects on the morals of the young ladies reading them. By the 20th century (and I’ll ask you to forgive any errors here as I can’t check my ideas through reading) books were not only seen as an essential part of a cultured life, but literature began to be taught at the universities. One of the strongest arguments in its favour being that reading fiction would improve empathy and moral outlook. I’ll let you decide if you think that it has succeeded.

**Which is the fantasy**? Image: Road trip with Raj on Unsplash

That’s entertainment!

While we extol writers and readers as some kind of superior life form, we are forgetting that reading is, for the most part, merely a kind of entertainment. My reading is eclectic at best. I love literary fiction for its mastery of language, but I also enjoyed The Da Vinci Code (and I suspect you did too!) While we imagine literature as art and best sellers as mere pulp fiction, we are forgetting that each has the same aim: to keep us turning pages.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Come the end of this week, I shall return with pleasure to the printed page. After all, reading is the portal to vast quantities of information, stimulation and understanding. We can be transported in the luxury of our arm chair to distant lands and previous epochs. A good writer will make these worlds seem absolutely tangible. Yet, they are not. They are the airy bubbles of fantasy.

Even non-fiction must be approached with caution. The fashioning of a book requires a great deal of selection on the part of the author. What is omitted may well be as significant as what is contained. It is just less likely to support their thesis.

I’m not sure if these were the conclusions that Julia Cameron was hoping I would reach at the end of this week’s trial. Perhaps she only wanted to make me aware of how much time is absorbed in reading: time that might be better spent on something more creative. On that point, she has succeeded. Not being able to pick up a book or magazine has freed time to play and dream. Even having a few minutes spare, I found myself doodling or doing origami.

**A playful ten minutes** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Confession

I have had to read a little. With my students approaching their exams, I could not be unprepared for their lessons. I’ve also kept up with emails and texts lest everyone thought I had dropped off the Earth. That aside, I have not read at all. It has been a curious experience with the pull of the written word lessening each day, while my writing has increased exponentially. Having spent so many hours absorbed in books, I wonder now what else I could use that time for.

Books will always charm me, but I suspect their central role in my life has shifted a little towards the perimeter. They are the best entertainment, but like all entertainment, they are to be enjoyed when the work is done.

The Thief of Time

Popular wisdom has it that procrastination is the thief of time, but I would demur. That title, I believe, goes to the mobile phone or more specifically, those platforms that give us ‘free’ services to contact friends and entertain ourselves.

This thought is not especially new. Yet, it was brought forcefully to my attention when one day last week (which was admittedly my birthday), I’d managed to spend three hours on my device, most notably on WhatsApp. As someone who rarely knows the location of my phone and who has all notifications turned off, I was horrified. I don’t remember being on my phone that much. In fact, if asked, I’d have said I was only on it for a little while to reply to the lovely greetings. And that was the most disturbing part. It was an invisible thief who had stolen these precious hours from me.

**So many distractions** Image: Dugba Cauley- Hushie on Unsplash

Time lost

It was embarking on The Artist’s Way (https://whenlifegivesyoulemons.blog/treading-a-new-path/) that highlighted how little time I have to spare. Now, I need to find an extra 40-60 minutes for writing each morning, plus a weekly two hours for my artist’s date. I ran through my day and found very few minutes unaccounted for. Unwilling to ditch my students or my work for Citizens Advice, or attempts at learning Ukrainian, I was struggling to see where this time could be ‘found’. Then I randomly looked at my screen time. Result. That was where those lost hours were lurking.

You may like to look on settings to see your screen times. Are they more or less than you expected?

**Does time take us or do we take time?** Image: Nick Fewings on Unsplash

My goal is to reduce my screen time to around 30 minutes per day, allowing for longer times when there are special occasions like birthdays or celebrations. Since the average use of an adult in the UK is around two hours, and in the US up to twice that, this seemed like a reasonable compromise between remaining social and remaining sane.

Time regained

Phones, and the many platforms we use on them, were created with the specific intention of getting us on-line and staying there; enabling the ‘free’ service to mine our data or sell us goods. Designed with the same ingenuity as a casino, they quickly turn us into dopamine addicts, waiting for the next notification, ‘like’ or challenge. For a full and fascinating discussion of this subject, I urge you to read this excellent article from Harvard: https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2018/dopamine-smartphones

**Do I have your attention?** Image: Krzystof-Hepner on Unsplash

So what can we do to foil such ingenuity? Here are some tricks we can employ to place our phones back in their proper role: as a wonderful device which connects us to friends and the wider world but that doesn’t annex our life.

Remove all your apps. Yes, Wordle is great fun, but it leads to Quardle and then to posting your scores on Facebook or comparing with contacts on WhatsApp. What starts out as a entertaining five minute time filler, ends up a daily obsession. As for anything like Candy Crush and other games, I think you know where they lead.
Consider whether your message is a call for approval or an exchange of information. So often when we post, we are actually hoping for an ego boost. How many people reply? How many likes do we receive? Are people showing sufficient interest/awe/envy at our or our family’s achievements? This kind of communication ultimately benefits none – least of all the writer, who may not get the verification they crave and in place of joy, feel deflation. Instead, enjoy the natural boost we all receive from connecting with others in a mutually respectful and friendly way.
Is a text the right way to express this? Few of us enjoy long texts and fewer read them carefully, so if you have something important to say, deliver it via email or even better by letter.
Misunderstandings Predictive text often leads to hilarious comments, but texts in their brevity also invite misunderstandings. I try not to convey anything of importance this way-not least because I often forget to hit send.
Telephone times The best way for me to restrict the siren call of my phone is to establish clear times that I will look at it. I’ve decided on first thing in the morning, lunch and after dinner. No-one is likely to feel neglected with such a small interval and I can reply in one session rather than dozens of distracting ones.
Make the phone less attractive Like those slot machines in Las Vegas which vie for your attention with flashing lights and garish colours, mobiles too are designed to lure your eye. There are two ways to resolve this: dim the screen and change to grayscale. The latter is quite tricky to work out, so I’ve linked this handy guide to show you how to do it. https://www.wired.com/story/grayscale-ios-android-smartphone-addiction/#:~:text=If%20you’re%20using%20an,appears%20as%20the%20top%20option.

**A quiet time to read** Image: Heber Galindo on Unsplash

Time is on your side

What I am hoping is that by reducing my screen time, I shall be opening opportunities for creativity and valuable nurturing time. I’m not there yet. This week’s average is 51 minutes per day, but it’s progress.

Even if we only shave an hour a day off our usage, that would give us an extra seven hours a week. That’s enough time to read a novel; spend an hour on creative activities; make a delicious evening meal each day or do whatever it is we would like to do but never find the time for. We are unlikely to ever regret not spending enough time on social media, but I think it very likely that we may regret not spending enough on fulfilling our desires.

Celebrate Good Times!

This week finds me in a celebratory mood. It was my birthday on Monday and my head is still fizzing with the energy and pleasure of the day. Blessed with azure skies, radiant sunshine and warm temperatures, my friends were able to join me in the garden for Prosecco and cake.

Thinking about the joy this party brought made me ponder the role of celebration in our lives. After a trawl through the cybersphere, I found what I was looking for: proof that celebrations offer more than an opportunity to indulge and socialise. Celebrations provide a chance to engage with others, often across generations; they dramatically improve our sense of well-being and focus our attention on gratitude over indifference.

**Lots of smiling faces** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Need to reduce stress and anxiety? Join a celebration

Hosting a party invariably increases stress, at least in the preparatory stages, but I can’t say that it has ever put me off having more. The pay-off far outweighs the efforts made and if you are lucky enough to be invited to one – even better!

Parties are, to put it in the simplest of terms, good for you. And the science backs this up. While we engage in socialising, our bodies are releasing a cascade of happy chemicals, enhancing our mood. These are: ‘Oxytocin, which is associated with bonding and happiness and is released when you’re around other people; noradrenaline, which skyrockets when you socialize and makes you feel energized and happy; and endorphins, feel-good chemicals that are released when you laugh, dance, and have a drink or two.’ (Dr R Froemke Shape.com)

**Raise a glass** Image: Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

Further, those celebrations that are part of our national, religious or personal calendar have a soothing effect on our psyche since at most rituals we know what to do and that is, in itself, consoling. Tricia Lavasseur explains that, ‘Laboratory experiments and field studies show that the structured and repetitive actions involved in holiday rituals can act as a buffer against anxiety by making our world a more predictable place.

When Skyping my four-year old granddaughter in the States, she had no difficulty in singing Happy Birthday to her Nana. As she grows, she will have endless opportunities to repeat that rendition and doing so will serve in giving her a tiny anchor of predictability in an unpredictable world.

That time of year again?

I always find it a bit hilarious when folks remark that Christmas has taken them by surprise. After all, it’s the same date every year. And like so many festivals, that is a part of its charm.

Our years are punctuated with such celebrations and there is a great deal of reassurance in that. We are marking, almost like a clock face, the turning of the year and with that acknowledgment (consciously or not) the ever changing and ever returning circle of life.

These fixed festivals give us the joy of anticipation, the pleasure of the day itself and out of the ordinary events upon which to hang the pictures of memory.

Let them eat cake

And festivals seem designed to be remembered. They are replete with sensory experience: physical contact, music, special food and drink, decorations and clothing. All of these help our brains lodge the event in our minds.

**The last slice!** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Better still, each time we repeat these pleasurable experiences, our memories are triggered to previous ones and our joy is intensified.

Re-Connecting

This year’s party felt especially precious after two long years of celebratory desert. It is wonderful to reconnect with friends again and the calendar has been pretty full of such reunions of late. As a result, I feel more energised and more cheerful than I have in a long time. If I need to rest the day after a party, so be it. But I would not miss it for the world.

And this kind of lift has quite far reaching effects, boosting our mental energy and making us better at decision making and coping with difficulty. (Dr Madeleine, thevidaconsultancy.com)

A chance to show you care and get creative

Celebrations are a perfect opportunity to show that you care. It is not the cost of the gift that counts, however, but the degree to which the giver has considered your particular interests. Mine were full of flowers and books and journals, vegan treats and gardening gifts.

**Radiant tulips** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Realising that people know you is a boost in itself. We all want that. While expensive, generic gifts may be what the shops want you to buy, it is the personal ones that are treasured.

Some used the occasion to bring their creativity to the fore with wonderful cards or brownies baked for my guests. Saving your host time in the kitchen is especially thoughtful. (My husband made the cake and sacrificed half his day off to waitering and washing dishes.) With the cost of living rising at a startling rate, we would be wise to remember that showing our affection need not cost us more than we can afford.

Tiny celebrations

Don’t have a date in the diary for a celebration? Don’t despair. Research shows that a tiny party of just four guests can be perfect too. Ask the neighbours round for a coffee or glass of something. Make it easy, so that they can return the favour and you can repeat the experience. Lock-down limitations have shown that an enjoyable event does not need to be an extravagant, highly populated one.

Make celebrations part of your day. My students are deep in revision for GCSEs at the moment and I’ve reminded them to fit little breaks into their schedule to reward themselves and celebrate learning what they have.

Personally, I love marking my day with micro parties for one. Taking time to make a proper mug of chai or coffee elevates the moment into something more than a refreshment break. Get out the good china, if you have it. A little self-care might well lift your mood enough to get you through those chores with a smile.

**Chai and biscuits. Just because it’s three o’clock**. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Getting in the mood

If none of the above has awakened your inner party animal, I have one last gambit. Music, above all, has a wonderful way of putting us in the mood. Just think of all the family weddings you have attended where suddenly the dance-floor is flooded because the DJ has selected exactly the right tune. It’s probably corny and almost definitely old, but it triggers within us memories of more carefree times. So, all you 1970’s disco divas, this one’s for you.

Yes, the old ones are the best.

Treading a New Path

Tempting though it may be to sink into the comfortable predictability of late middle age, that is definitely not for me. Life has always seemed too short to satisfy my rather boundless curiosity and now, of course, it is shorter still. So, when reading a fabulous arts magazine I came across the fourth reference to a book I have been meaning to acquire for decades, I took the universe’s hint, logged into eBay and bought it.

Some of you will already be familiar with this seminal work. The Artist’s Way was published in the early 1990s and is a standard text for all those wanting to pursue a creative path. Perhaps the title put me off (I’m certainly no artist) but it is written by a writer for all artists -whether working in the visual or literary spheres. It is equally applicable to anyone wanting to live more creatively whether they produce anything or not. If I had known quite what I was letting myself in for, I may have opted to purchase a novel instead, but now I have begun this new journey, I will have to finish it.

**It started with a book** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

I am reaching the end of the first week and have completed all the assignments to date – yes, this is not a book to read but to work from. The primary assignment that continues throughout (and which most readers continue well after the final page in the book is closed) is a three page freewriting exercise. Sadly, the only empty notebook I had was an A4 Pukka pad.

Facing the blank page

Each morning I must fill these pages with whatever thoughts enter my mind without editing or reviewing. (I’m not allowed to read these pages for a further seven weeks.) It’s not exactly a diary, but more a stream of consciousness. Throughout my teaching career, I have taught students to use free-writing to discover ideas and solve puzzles. It is a technique I often employ myself, but doing it every day and to such a length (about 750 words) is another matter entirely. A full 45 minutes to an hour must be found in addition to that for meditation and yoga. (My early mornings are getting seriously busy!)

**What shall I write today?** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Confronting the blank page is, as always, a challenge. Yet, with the tight time constraints of my morning, I certainly can’t doodle or arrange paper clips as I might if more time were available. And what exactly do I have to say?

The answer is: a surprising amount. No sooner has my pen touched the page than I am off. Sometimes happily rambling, other times problem solving and occasionally coming up with a line or metaphor that I rather like. Since no-one is going to read it but me, I am free to do exactly what I please and this liberation alone is exhilarating. And once the three pages are complete, it’s time for the next exercise. These are all short, witty and often illuminating. I certainly enjoyed writing an imaginary letter to thank my wonderful English teacher who instilled me with a life-long love of literature and language. (I also rather relished the somewhat rude one I wrote to a domineering drama teacher who snuffed the tiny flicker of confidence I had in the performing arts.)

Facing your demons

Writing in this way has often been used for therapy. Expressing our thoughts and emotions freely in this form can be extremely liberating and clarifying. It is also a fabulous way to put events into perspective. When we see it written down, a huge and threatening fear becomes diminished by its representation through small marks on a page.

And fear is the greatest enemy for anyone wishing to be creative. Will it be good enough? Will it be appreciated? Will I be shamed for my efforts? All artists face these fears and having produced a masterpiece does not exempt you from them. I often think the successful artist has the toughest challenge in this regard. They are expected to be brilliant all the time. The rest of us are happy if one or two people say that they like it.

**Taking courage to venture into our own dark woods I**mage: Branimir Balogovic on Unsplash

A habit of writing – regularly and without criticism – is the best antidote to this. Writing becomes natural, subject to errors but also to revelation. So many of us do not write, even to dear friends, because they are frightened their writing will not be good enough. We are not aiming for publication, only communication, and whatever we say from our hearts will be perfect.

Artist date

The second regular exercise is what she terms the artist date. For two hours a week, you set aside time to pursue something that will satisfy your creative cravings. Perhaps you will go to a museum, buy art supplies, or take the time to make something. By setting this time aside in the diary, it elevates a vague desire into a definite commitment. This week, with my two hours on a quiet day ‘booked in’, I finally got around to a simple sewing project that had been rattling about in my head for ages. Amazingly, it was successful and I hope to be able to replicate this success in future projects.

If you were able to allocate two hours in a week (and I would hope everyone has at least that much time) where would your creativity take you?

**Who knows where this journey will lead?** Image: Levi Bare on Unsplash

I have only just begun and though I suspect that this journey in creativity will have its obstacles and frustrations like any other travel adventure, I am curious to see where it will lead. Will I revisit and revise my teen novel? Start writing poetry again? Find an entirely new way of exploring my creative needs? I have no idea. But then, the joy of an adventure is not knowing where it will end.

Morning Meditations

This last weekend, my husband was away at a trade show, so my normal routine of yoga and meditation in the quiet of my bedroom was disrupted. I had to get up early and let Hermione have her run around the garden. It was a beautiful day, so I decided to try it alfresco. Despite being a chilly 10 degrees Celsius, the experience was enhanced by the location. Weather permitting, I’ve decided to continue this way as far into winter as I dare!

It’s taken me a very long time to reach the point where I would not consider starting the day without these physical and mental exercises, but their benefits have been immeasurable. The good news is that one can start small and work up. I vividly remember the agonies of trying to concentrate through a five minute guided meditation every evening. Now my half hour, unguided one, goes in a flash. The key, it seems, is in regular practice (even if that is only ten minutes a day).

**The sunniest spot in the garden early morning**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Finding what is right for you

I have lost count of the number of people I have spoken to who find meditation either impossible or something that they cannot seem to find time for. Perhaps part of the reason for this is that it is, as a product, hugely mis-sold. Meditation does not eliminate stress from your life (but it does help you deal with it); nor does it turn you into a calm, perfect human (though it might help smooth your edges) and most importantly, it does not require you to jettison all thoughts to reach a state of Zenlike bliss. Meditation, like prayer, is all about directing thought rather than obliterating it.

When random thoughts arise, we greet them and let them go, bringing our attention back to our point of focus. This may be our breath, a candle or a prayer. It requires discipline and endless repetition. The Dalai Lama continues to meditate for hours every day. Even he would not suggest that he had no need of further practice. So if you are looking for a quick fix, this isn’t for you. However, if you are looking for a method that has been proven to improve your mental and physical well-being, here are some approaches you might try.

**Thoughts, like clouds, drift across our consciousness**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Ways in

If you look on-line, you will find countless and many very good sources on meditation. I have tried a number of them and have a rather eclectic mix that I call my own. The one that I think of as being the best way to begin though is the listening meditation, as it helps reinforce the idea of focus and requires no more from you than simply to sit quietly.

This is one that I love to do in the garden. Sit on the ground cross legged, or on a chair with your feet on the ground and back straight. (If you lie in a deck chair, you are liable to fall asleep!) Start to listen to all the sounds around you. As your meditation deepens, you will hear ever quieter sounds that you have probably never noticed before. You don’t have to close your eyes, but do if that makes it easier. Set a timer for at least ten minutes. Take a moment to return to the world and say a thank you for what you have heard.

Alternatively, you can keep the same posture and contemplate a specific aspect or even object – like a flower. As your focus deepens, you will uncover richer layers of observance. Again, do this for as long as you can and try to observe mindfully throughout the day.

Breathing meditations are probably the most common form. I use the Wim Hof method, because the breathing structure and breath-holds don’t give you much option to let your mind wander.

You may want to do this one lying down, as it can leave you a little light headed.

If you want to meditate throughout the day, taking a few moments to concentrate on the breath – filling your lungs fully and then feeling the air exit passing gently over your mouth – is a great way to ground yourself.

Devising your own regime

Perhaps I was a magpie in a past life, but I have a terrible habit of acquiring things and forgetting to let them go. My meditation practice is no exception. As a result, all the elements that I have found useful over the past ten years have now found a home in my current routine. I don’t recommend that you necessarily do the same, but I do think that it is helpful to take a flexible approach. One form of meditation may fit perfectly, another may not – or not at the moment. No-one is watching and certainly no-one is judging your performance. Do what works for you.

So what is my daily practice? It begins with a little yoga. The stretching and focus on my body seems to help me get into the right zone for meditation. What follows is a mix of Wim breathing, imaging and loving kindness prayer. The loving kindness meditation is a classic one and helps us find compassion in our attitudes to even those who are our enemies or simply irritate us to death.

The version I use, based on a haunting musical interpretation, goes like this:

May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be well

May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be well.

May I be peaceful and at ease, may I be whole.

And here’s the musical version if, like me, you enjoy singing.

This is performed by my very talented friend Elizabeth Harris with the equally talented Anna Hamilton

I begin my meditation lying down and with the breathing Wim advocates, then during the breath-hold, I do the loving kindness prayer. With each cycle of breathing, I add another loving kindness object. Starting with myself, I move outwards from family to friends to those I do not care for too much. Some like to think of an area they live in and move to the world. I do that sometimes too.

Towards the end, I focus on healing kindness and imagine my body repairing itself. I have exquisite gold tipped butterflies that inhabit my brain and spinal chord and keep it free from lesions. (Don’t laugh, my latest MRI shows it is working!)

During the final stage, I simply reorient myself in the world. (You can feel a bit spacey at this point). I observe all the beauty around me and give thanks for the privilege of inhabiting such a magnificent creation. And now I am ready for the day.

Nothing is perfect

If this is all sounding a little too idyllic, I should perhaps mention that I have a little helper when it comes to my morning rituals! Hermione would never wish to be left out of anything, so yoga is performed with care so as not to squash the dog under my belly and meditation is conducted between throws of her Kong.

Does this bother me? Not particularly. Life is never going to accommodate you perfectly and accepting interruptions, noise and distractions and working through them is very much part of the discipline of these practices. If we are waiting for the ideal situation, we would never start at all. So, let us begin.

**Only trying to help! Hermione with her favourite Kong toy**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Accepting the Challenge

This is the challenge that I have set myself and which I extend to you. What can I do to make every single day matter? How can I – in even the tiniest way – contribute to the general good rather than its opposite? While flooded with news stories of unconscionable evil, it is easy to feel that whatever we do, it will be pointless.

**Putting the pieces together**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Whenever I succumb to this notion, I remind myself that that is exactly what those with nefarious intent want. When we are all bowed down with despair and drained of energy, the less scrupulous flourish. There is a famous quote attributed to Edmund Burke that says, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Ironically, he never said it, but John Stuart Mill – in a slightly longer version – did.

“Let not any one pacify his conscience by the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part, and forms no opinion. Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.”
John Stuart Mill

Mill was not one to mince his words. His challenge is clear and a little daunting. Our option is to be part of the problem or part of the solution. Bystanders, in Mill’s view, might as well shuffle over the the bad men’s side.

Unsettling? Yes. Discomfiting? Definitely. But true, nonetheless.

Planting the seed

Before anyone disappears, let me suggest that we do not need to begin with the intention of ‘saving the world’. Folks have tried that in the past and it seldom works out well. The real challenge is to take steps that are in alignment with our lives and abilities. We are all capable of smiling at the delivery man; giving a pedestrian safe passage across the road when driving and in performing small acts of kindness. When we make these our practice, we will find more challenging acts much more manageable.

If we are concerned about the environment, for example, jetting off to an exotic location to talk about it is unlikely to benefit anyone; whereas, planting your own vegetables and trees; car sharing and turning down the thermostat will have measurable, positive results.

**Mighty broccoli plants from tiny seedlings grow** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Personally, I find even the smallest of kindnesses difficult sometimes. When I am tired or in pain, I may even want to provoke misery in others. The trick is to remind ourselves that everyone is trying to keep their heads above water. What we want and they want is the same: a little understanding and compassion.

When we turn our gaze outward, rather than inward, something miraculous happens. Our pain and tiredness become minor inconveniences soothed by our concern for others. We are, I believe, designed for caring. Endless studies have shown that those working for the good of their communities are happier and live longer. In doing ‘the right thing’, we are ultimately doing the right thing for ourselves.

What to do?

Over and above the usual courtesies, it is sometimes difficult to know what is the right thing to do to improve a situation. Rushing in or throwing money at it thoughtlessly is seldom the best approach. I remember my husband telling me about his thesis on Zambia and the horrific waste of aid money there. A beautiful hotel was built in the wilds without access roads or even a tourist industry. Nature soon reclaimed it as her own. No doubt some politicians made a very good income, but those funds were not then available to educate or heal the populace.

In the Quaker tradition, we have something called discernment, which is a sort of questioning process that we go through before taking action. It may mean doing some research, talking to people or simply sitting quietly and considering the subject from all angles. Upon thinking of a way to act, we then ask ourselves if it is spirit/love led.

It is a time consuming process, but it means that we seldom take on things we are not willing to finish or react emotionally only to change our minds. When we decided to host a Ukrainian family, we took a few days to mull over the consequences. To be frank, I am both excited and terrified by the prospect, but I have no doubt that for us, it is the right thing to do.

For more on the subject of discernment, you might like to read: https://transitionquaker.blogspot.com/2021/01/discernment.html

**Giving a warm welcome to everyone in our lives** Image: Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Take courage!

Whatever endeavour we set out upon will take a certain amount of courage. A friend has just been accepted to volunteer with a local charity and starting any new enterprise has its share of trepidation. Will I be able to perform my duties well? Will my efforts be worthwhile?

Naturally, none of us know the outcomes of our decisions, but we still have to act. Not everything will work out. Those we expect to show gratitude may show disdain; those tasks we perform, hoping to make a difference, may go nowhere. And if we are foolish enough to think that working for the general good will make us popular, it won’t. Change is always unsettling and asking others to change can, to some, feel like a threat. Even the most gentle promptings are sometimes take this way. Years of campaigning for Greenpeace showed me that.

Nobody said that doing anything worthwhile was easy. This is why the post is called, ‘Accepting the Challenge.’ Challenges are difficult and risky, with only uncertain outcomes. But they are equally exhilarating, life affirming and life-changing. So, the question is, do we wish to live with certainty and stagnation or uncertainty and growth?

Living adventurously

My favourite passage from the Quaker book of Faith and Practice is this –

Live adventurously. When choices arise, do you take the way that offers the fullest opportunity for the use of your gifts in the service of God and the community? Let your life speak.
(Quaker Faith and Practice, Advice and Queries 1.02 27)

It is a bold and powerful statement. We are all eloquent when it comes to words, now it is time for our lives to express us.

Keeping your Balance

Last week, I was at a meeting in a local church and the lady sitting next to me asked why the building was devoid of any decoration or flowers. Even the statuary was covered in purple cloth. ‘It is because it’s coming up to Easter’, I replied, though I had forgotten the details. Through the period of Lent, the church and its congregation use the time for reflection and so simplify their places of worship and their own lives. Some may practice fasting or ‘give up’ a luxury. Most other religions too have dates set aside for spiritual development allied with physical denial, such as Ramadan.

**Deep in prayer** Image: Isabella and Zsa Fischer on Unsplash

Perhaps you do not have a spiritual practice that requires such abstinence or perhaps you have no spiritual practice at all. Either way, I don’t think that we need one to remind us that it is valuable to set aside time to take stock of our lives and to learn a little resilience and self-discipline by doing without now and again.

Nature knows best

While I was contemplating this world-wide phenomenon of periods of rest followed by bursts of activity, I thought about how this is exactly what happens in the natural world. As winter advances, trees shed their leaves and enter a state of dormancy while storms rage and snow falls. They are not being idle however, but rather gathering their strength for the magnificent display of new growth and flowering that is spring.

**The pear tree bursting into life**
Image: Karen Costello-Mcfeat

Without enduring the harsh winter months, such a brilliant display would not be possible. And we too are creatures of the Earth who need to find a balance between dormancy and regeneration.

Losing balance

Ironically, having finally settled on this subject for my post, I fell foul of the very problem I was going to write about. After several weeks of frantic activity, wonderful socialising and simply doing too much, my body protested and simply shut down. MS is very helpful at reminding you when you need to rest. It doesn’t let you do anything else. So, cancelling some lovely social plans, I took myself to bed and slept and dozed. Reading and even watching the television was beyond me. I required zero stimulation. Luckily, my husband was home early to take care of the dog.

This morning, I awoke super early, refreshed and ready for the day. I was also suitably chastised and know that I must pace myself more carefully from now on. Fortunately, we are on the brink of the bank holiday weekend and I have nothing more planned than gardening, house tidying and eating Easter treats.

**Perfect balance** Image: Loic Leray on Unsplash

Bucking the 24/7 culture

Modern living doesn’t promote balance in life. Rather, it promotes the notion that we must have whatever our heart desires in minutes or, at worst, the next day. We have lost the joy of anticipation and of waiting. And with that, we have lost much of what brings true satisfaction. Instant gratification is followed very quickly by its opposite. So, we click and click again in search of that elusive high.

Only when we can step back and draw on the wisdom of nature and ancient spiritual practices can we see that waiting, even doing without, is not a punishment but a preparation. Anyone with even the most basic understanding of economics will tell you that value is set on the basis of supply and demand. When supply is ubiquitous, value tumbles. When supply is limited, it soars.

For most of us, time is our most valuable asset. We bemoan its lack while frantically filling our days with tasks of dubious value. Just as we are told that we should have everything immediately, we are also expected to fill every day with Instagrammable moments. Our fear of missing out propels us to visit one more event, to engage in one more outing even when we know our batteries are low. After all, spending an afternoon sitting quietly in the garden enjoying the birdsong and the touch of sun on your face is unlikely to generate many ‘likes’. And this is precisely where the market wants us to be – endlessly consuming goods and experiences since that is, after all, what generates profits.

But we are not automatons. We have choices and need to have the courage to follow the path that works for us. I am hardly advocating ‘dropping out’ or wearing a hair shirt. What I suggest is that we take this little holiday to re-evaluate what really matters to us.

Like the dormant trees in winter, the period of Lent ends in a riot of celebration: flowers and feasting and colourful spring clothes. Our moments of stillness refresh and nurture us so that the following abundance can be truly enjoyed. If we can keep our balance, we really can have it all.

Happy Easter!

**Wishing you a joyful Easter** Image: Mark Olsen on Unsplash

Reasons to Be Cheerful 1,2,3

One might be forgiven for feeling rather less than cheerful at the moment. The promise of spring weather has been dashed by days of rain, snow and freezing winds. Abroad, the war in Ukraine shows no end in sight – only a troubling increase in casualties and cruel tactics. At home, the economy is staggering under the twin pressures of the continuing pandemic and steeply rising prices. So why, you are no doubt asking, have I entitled this post ‘Reasons to be Cheerful’? The answer is surprisingly simple. In the face of such conditions, we have precisely two options: sink into despair and retreat from the world or make the best of it. In the past, I have opted for the first. I would not recommend it. Depression immobilises us and seeps into the lives of others, draining them of energy too.

**Embracing the world as it is** Image: Davey Nin

The other option, the one I hold to with fierce conviction, is the Pollyannaish one. This term is often misused to suggest a naive and excessive optimism. Which is ironic, because the Pollyanna of the eponymous books searches for good as a way of coping with adversity. She is, after all, an orphan sent to live with a grumpy aunt who doesn’t want her and who is later seriously injured in a car accident. Pollyanna does not avoid difficulty or fail to see it: she simply does everything in her power to transform it. Which is what, if you wish to ‘keep your head when all about you/ Are losing theirs’, I suggest you do.

We need not be quite so saccharine as the hero of this early twentieth century novel, but should we care to look, there are always reasons to be cheerful. Here are mine:

Friends

Where would we be without them? This weekend, I was over-joyed to host my housemates from university. We hadn’t seen each other for over a decade and I was a little worried lest we wouldn’t know what to utter to each other. Suffice to say, these fears were unfounded. The two days passed in a flash of chatter and giggles. It was a wonderful antidote to current events and though the visit left me exhausted in body, it left me elated in spirit.

For those precious days, the sun returned resplendent and we were able to enjoy the garden and the seafront. Our visit to the local art gallery was a great success, with all the exhibitions being first class. Best of all, my friend was able to view the extensive collection of one of her favourite artists in the Ravilious room.

**The glorious exterior of the Towner Art Gallery Eastbourne.**
Image: Wendy Barton

After a giant brunch cooked by my husband, we parted with promises to make our next reunion much sooner than the last.

Their visit was a joyful event and a reminder that friends, old and new, never fail to delight us. I see friends most days and truly value their company. If I am able to make them smile, I will have succeeded in repaying my gratitude for their companionship.

Living here; living now

My great friend in the States is an avid reader of Medieval history and she often shares titbits of her discoveries on our weekly Skypes. There is nothing like being reminded of just how dire life was in previous eras to make you appreciate living in one’s own. The average life expectancy in the Middle Ages was a mere thirty-three years. If you survived infancy, you could look forward to an existence of hard labour and subsistence living. Most likely you would be a serf bound to the land of your lord. Personal freedoms were almost non-existent.

Violence and early death stalked you perpetually in the guise of plague, starvation, injury and war. As a woman, your fate was even worse. A bowl of cherries, life was not. https://www.historyextra.com/period/medieval/why-did-people-die-danger-medieval-period-life-expectancy/

But the Middle Ages was a terrible time, I hear you protest. True. However, I doubt anyone would sign up for a later period. The Tudors were terrible and the Victorians were vile (as the Horrible Histories attest). And the here bit is important. While our distant ancestors struggled, our contemporaries in the developing nations continue to do so. Where we complain about not having access to a good wifi connection, they are still travelling miles in order to get water.

Realising how fortunate we are to live in this period in this land, should be one of our reasons to be cheerful. Should we wish to bring a little help to those living in less ideal environments, we can spread that cheer a bit further.

You made it against the odds

When all other inducements for appreciating your life fail, there is always one to draw upon that brooks no argument. You are here. You are alive. What occurred to enable that is a series of almost unbelievable good fortune that resulted in your existence. Assuming that the first humans appeared 2,000,000 years ago, it means that if the average life-span was around 20 years, 100,000 generations succeeded in reproducing to allow you to be conceived. When you consider how difficult mere survival was until fairly recently, that is certainly miraculous.

Then, your conception involved the race of several hundred million sperm to the egg to be fertilized. The odds of being you were definitely against you, and yet, here you are, reading this.

Since I think it fair to say that the worst thing we can imagine (apart from public speaking) is not existing, we should rise each morning with a song of gratitude on our lips. Another day is ours for the taking. Reasons to be cheerful number 3.

Of course, I cannot leave this post without giving you an opportunity to hear the inimitable Ian Dury with his ‘Reasons to be Cheerful’. I’d love to add brilliant music to my list, but it would ruin its symmetry.

One Day

Last week a student voiced his concerns over the potential of a nuclear attack from Russia. It felt like a strange deja vu. When I was barely older than he, such thoughts frequently crossed my mind. I joined CND marches; read up on the literature; watched the soul chilling movie, ‘The Day After’. Of course, disaster did not strike, Greenham Common was dismantled and we moved into a time of relative peace. So, I reassured him. Mutually assured destruction served no-one and, I hope, never will.

**Living in the shadow of the bomb** Image: By George R. Caron – Nagasakibomb.jpgAtomic_cloud_over_Hiroshima.jpg, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=12204929

Yet, his fears nagged at me – perhaps reigniting my own sense of the fragility of peace. I thought of the Ukrainians (and so many others in conflict situations) who found themselves in the space of a day scrapping their plans and focussing on survival.

What if that was me? Such situations force us to concentrate on the essentials in our lives. We are made to consider what really holds value and it is unlikely to be the things that advertisers are promoting. What follows are thought experiments to help us clarify what matters and what does not. Such exercises may simply reinforce what we already know or perhaps, they may guides us to new and more fulfilling lives. At the very least, I hope they will evoke an appreciation of the very blessed ones we have.

Pack your suitcase

Your train to safety leaves tomorrow. What would you take?

**What is irreplaceable?** Image: Emanuela Picone on Unsplash

Most of us spend far too much time packing and unpacking our suitcases before a trip, agonising on whether we have the right shoes; the right amount of warm or cool weather clothing; sufficient clean underwear. More often than not, we return home with items folded and unused. But what if that suitcase had to contain everything that you hold dear? Would the designer sandals make the cut? I doubt it.

To be honest, very practical and durable clothing aside, my own case would be bursting with photos, my children’s pictures and jewellery of sentimental value. It would contain documentation to ease my passage through my new world. All I need, after all, are those things which cannot be replaced by Amazon. And all the stuff that fills my home may not be so valuable after all. Perhaps a declutter is in order.

Your last day

Sadly, all too many of us spend our days as if in penance. I over-heard an elderly chap in the park yesterday bemoaning that his life was effectively over. ‘My world is past,’ he said sadly, to which his companion rather wittily replied, ‘No, it’s not. You’re still living in it.’ I hope that he took that reply to heart.

When life is hard, as it is for so many, simply making it to bedtime can feel like an achievement. Yet, if we only had one day to say our good-byes, most of us would be galvanised into a flurry of action. We’d visit our friends and family; we’d take one final look at the places we loved and try to sear them into memory. Lassitude would be replaced with dynamism: indifference with appreciation. Since no-one can be certain how many days remain to us, surely we should never take any day for granted.

Memento mori

Throughout history, religions and philosophers have reminded us that it is in the nature of things that we must die. The expression memento mori – meaning remember you must die – is a Roman one, though the idea itself goes much further back.

**Gravestone found in an Edinburgh graveyard**. Image: *Daniel Naczk*

On the surface, such an idea can seem depressing and so too do the images that usually symbolise it. Skulls and hour glasses and dead flowers are hardly likely to lift the spirits. However, the point of the memento mori is quite the opposite. It is a reminder to live life to the full.

The Greek Stoic philosopher, Seneca, wrote: Let us prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance life’s books each day…The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time.” Counter-intuitive though it seems, filling life with essentials gives us more time not less. If our tasks are completed each day, time becomes our friend and not our enemy. And if it is not possible to complete our tasks each day, perhaps it is time to assess how much must be done. Should you still feel that 24 hours is not enough, perhaps it is time to delegate.

Do what you love and love what you do

When we view each day with the urgency of one for whom it may be their last, we are likely to find that any time we waste or fret through, will quickly be jettisoned. We will focus only on what we love (hence the concept of the bucket list). No-one has complete the ironing or sort the downstairs cupboard on their agenda – at least, I hope not.

That said, many of us (especially our young selves) are not sure what we want to do/should do. I read a very brilliant thing recently where the author said, ‘Do not ask, what should I do? Look at what you are doing.’ Similarly, the lettering artist, Jessica Hische came up with the idea of procrastiworking – where you discover where your real interests lay when you observe what you do when procrastinating. (Though I doubt I can earn a living from doodling in the margins!)

Feel the fear and do it anyway

What prevents most of us doing what we love is, almost always, fear. Perhaps I won’t be successful; perhaps I won’t be able to make the rent or afford a holiday. Perhaps it will look foolish to others. Don’t get me wrong: I am not a great advocate of the ‘follow your dream’ advice, which in popular culture seems to omit the hard slog required to succeed in any sphere and rests solely on wishful thinking. We all have limitations and responsibilities. However, if we take the brief span we have to enjoy this planet seriously, we need spend no more than the absolute minimum on the essentials. And for those willing to make the necessary sacrifices for their passions, they are likely to be rewarded – if only in being able to live the life that they desire.

So here’s the challenge. Today you have been given the greatest gift – a voucher for 24 hours’ existence. How will you spend it?