karencostellomcfeat

A Time For Every Purpose

All my life, I have been a teacher, from my late teens giving conversational English lessons to European students in the summer holidays to the present. I have taught every aspect of my subject: basic literacy, university literature surveys, creative writing and all the British English exam courses. And it has been a privilege.

Teaching is more a vocation than a profession, since to do your job well, you must invest much more than your time. Each student is precious and you want them to do their best. You worry about their progress; you worry about their sometimes chaotic personal lives; you worry that you are doing a good enough job. Like the old fashioned report card, teachers often feel that they ‘could do better’.

The upside is that all that preparation, grading and teaching helps young (and sometimes older students) flourish, pass exams and gain confidence.

‘**Time’s winged chariot’** Image: Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Teaching is intense. It requires passion and love. It is also exhausting. So now that I am nearing sixty and my health not so great, I think it is time to bring things to a close. My last remaining student finishes in June and then I shall retire.

Time may change me, but I can’t change time

It has been a hard decision. I have always loved teaching and disposing of literally decades of work is emotionally fraught. I have endless files stuffed with notes and handouts. They all need to be emptied: the paper to recycling; the files to the charity shop.

**On file** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Every so often I come across a handout that I had taken particular care over and am hurtled back to teaching that very lesson. One could easily become maudlin in this enterprise. So much of my life is held in these folders. Should I dispose of them? Yes. Time moves forward, not back. Tempting though it is to keep my files, I realise that their physical presence is a sort of anchor weighing me down and holding me in the past.

Taking the band-aid approach, I ruthlessly rip papers from their sleeves and read as little as possible. As the files empty and the recycling bin fills, a wonderful feeling of lightness suffuses me.

**Teaching materials** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Late middle age is a period fraught with change. Children leave home, niggling health issues appear, and we become acutely aware of our mortality. Yet, in so many ways, these are the golden years when we can finally indulge ourselves a little.

My husband has been doing mountains of research on retirement lately and one of the hardest issues to address is what to do with all that time. Some simply can’t contemplate it and work till they drop. Others relish their freedom only to find that it soon seems empty and slump on the sofa watching daytime TV. Ideally, you want this stage to encompass all the interests that were deferred while working. But it does take some planning.

The Marie Kondo method

When contemplating any change, I find the Marie Kondo method works for me. Does my job, dress, social activity spark joy? If the answer is yes, cherish it. If the answer is no, let it go.

What we do habitually is not always what is best for us and using this simple method can help us sift through what we really value. As we empty our lives of emotional or physical clutter, we give room to new options.

And yes, change is scary. So I am trying to make my changes one at a time.

In fact, they are not so much changes as redirections. One of the things I loved most about teaching was reading – but dissecting books is no longer appealing. Now, I want to enjoy them as the entertainment they were meant to be.

Teachers also have to be permanent students. We research our topics, try to keep up to date and learn alongside our pupils. Here again, I can continue my studies but with a much greater range. I am studying art history, languages and would like to return to my music.

I want to write for pleasure and not for handouts. Teaching has certainly helped hone these skills, but now I want to dedicate them to a different purpose.

Interestingly, my life is coming full circle. Everything I loved as a child: art, stories, music and nature are exactly what I wish to fill my time now. My second childhood begins!

The two-pronged approach

These last weeks, I have discovered that all change requires a two-pronged approach. First, we must assimilate the change mentally. This takes time and shouldn’t be rushed. (Again, asking if it sparks joy will give you an answer if you feel conflicted.)

Second, change comes in its physical form – the throwing away of old files or the rethinking of a room’s layout. While doing the ironing, my husband realised that our lounge could be better arranged. We moved the desk to the window and the chairs to either side of the hearth. The centre of the room’s attention is now the fireplace rather than the TV; my writing area is exclusive to me with the most appealing outlook. Such small changes can yield significant results.

**A room with a view** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Making the most of my time

Living with a progressive, degenerative condition, I am acutely aware of the limited time available to me to do the things I would like. There are periods, I admit, that I rail against the injustice of it, but mostly this compression acts as a spur. I do not have ‘all the time in the world’. I need to get on. The only time I can rely on is now. And now, after all, is all anyone has.

Not All Disabilities Are Visible

**A symbol of joy; a reminder to care** Image: Aaron Burden on Unsplash

A confession: Before I was diagnosed with MS, I would often see people exiting their cars in a disabled bay and tut disapprovingly. There was obviously nothing wrong with them and I supposed they were abusing the blue badge they had somehow acquired. In one or two cases, I may have been right. However, rather more likely is the fact that their disability wasn’t visible to me.

As someone who’s disabilities are almost all invisible, I feel rather mortified that I simply assumed the worst in the past. Now I am the one who gets the suspicious looks when I place my blue badge on the dashboard. After all, I look fine, even very healthy.

MS is only one of many chronic conditions which conceal their symptoms. It does not mean that those symptoms are less painful, distressing or disabling. And these concealed symptoms are invariably the most difficult to explain to others. Very often they are misread or dismissed, because they are not manifest in an obvious way. This blog is an attempt to remedy this so that when we meet people with other chronic illnesses, we will perhaps be a little better equipped to understand them.

The twelve hour day

When I say I have a twelve hour day, I do not mean that I work for twelve hours, rather that I am awake and functioning for twelve hours. This can be hugely frustrating, as I’d love to have the same number of waking hours to enjoy as everyone else.

The reason for this, as for most people with MS, is fatigue. This is not tiredness and does not correlate to a period of busyness. (Though if you are busy, expect the fatigue to be ten times worse later). MS fatigue can strike at any time without any obvious reason. It’s worst for me when I get up in the morning after ten hours’ or more sleep. Sometimes I am happily doing a task when all my energy drains away leaving me dizzy, exhausted and sometimes even nauseous.

**Any horizontal surface will do** Image: Abbie Bernet on Unsplash

The best way I can describe this condition is to say that for a well person it is like going on a long-haul flight, getting drunk and then suffering from jet-lag and hang-over simultaneously. Tiredness is unpleasant; fatigue is revolting!

At its worst, I am left effectively paralysed, unable to even lift my eyelids because the effort is too much. Most of the time, fortunately, I feel its encroachment and go and lie down. That said, for someone who likes to be fully engaged in the world, endless hours on the coach unable to read or do anything but stare at the sky is rather frustrating.

There is a lovely young woman who comes to the puppy park who suffers from ME (chronic fatigue). Her visit to the park (she drives) is her main activity of the day and a chance to speak to others. The rest of her day is mainly spent in bed. Her friends think she is lazy.

And sometimes, this is the worst part. When we are made to feel lazy, we feel guilt at not working or doing enough. Though we know such options are not available to us, this simply adds to the sting.

Counting spoons

One young woman has written an essay, much repeated and referenced, in which she compares having Lupus to having a certain number of energy units in a day – spoons. Her number of spoons is much more limited than a healthy person’s and she must decide every hour of every day how to spend them. This practical way of showing how quickly the spoons can be used up (having a shower and washing your hair or making a meal for example) helps illustrate an intangible. I’m giving a link to the whole essay here, as I think it is excellent. https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

**Seven spoons – seven activities** Image: Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Miserandino’s article is neither whiney nor self-pitying. She realises that when one’s time and energies are that precious that you do not squander them. I too am desperately aware of how I need to make each hour count and this can be a blessing. Most folks wander about in a kind of somnambulistic stupor imagining that they have all the time in the world to do what they want and wasting great swathes of it. Fatigue focuses the mind on the essentials and I have found that I experience life more deeply and gratefully as a result.

Physical limitations

One of the most confusing aspects of MS is that there is variation in our physical abilities. So if you were to ask me, ‘Can I walk?’ I would have to say yes and no. Yes, I can walk for a certain distance before everything starts to stop working. (This it the point where I walk like a drunken sailor and crash into people). I may begin with a normal gait and good pace, but I’ll invariably end on a bench.

How can I explain this? My best approach has been to suggest that one views my lesions as roadblocks, because that, crudely, is exactly what a lesion is. It is scarring on the myelin sheath that disrupts the nerve signal. (The greater the number of lesions, the greater the number of road blocks – hence the wide range of abilities amongst MS sufferers.)

**This is going to take some time** Image: Erik Mclean on Unsplash

For me to walk from A-B, my brain has to take all sorts of circuitous routes to keep my legs doing what others do naturally. If I were a car going from Eastbourne to London, I would detour to any number of little villages and towns in between rather that taking the direct route. So my little walk feels much more like a twenty mile ramble, with the subsequent exhaustion and leg pain. The same applies to mental activity. Even a lunch out with friends can prove debilitating.

That said, I am a firm believer in neuroplasticity. If I can keep channelling my nerve signals through the healthy pathways, I can, in time, recover something of what I’ve lost. This is how I can walk a little further and function a little longer than I have in previous years, despite the natural effects of ageing. It does require a great deal of effort on my part, but the outcomes more than compensate.

Can you see my pain?

Well, no. Pain is, by definition, invisible and it comes as a surprise to many that it is a very real element of MS. My legs give me most bother and I have finally found some medication to help with that, though the pain never really goes away and is exacerbated by activity. For others, their pain may manifest in crushing headaches, neuralgia or back ache. On its own, pain is unpleasant, but when it is chronic – and at times acute – it can be terribly wearing. Keeping a cheerful disposition and not succumbing to self-pity and depression is a constant battle.

MS has many other invisible symptoms that I do not have time to mention here. Everyone’s MS is unique to them and no two are likely to have the same experience. So if you know someone with a chronic condition, it is best to ask how it affects them rather than basing it on others you might know. One might be running marathons, the other bedbound.

Invisible disabilities are hard to grasp – even for those experiencing them – but if we take the time to listen and learn from others, I hope that we shall be more understanding when we see that fit looking person exiting a disabled bay. And if you see someone wearing a lanyard with sunflowers, you’ll know that they are dealing with much more than meets the eye.

The Empirical Method

About two months ago, a rather inattentive postal worker drove into my car and damaged it so badly that it had to be written off. After ten years of incredibly reliable service, my beloved convertible was headed to the wreckers. Worse, not only would I have to find a new one, but the cost of second-hand cars had risen exponentially. This relatively small accident had left me without transport and potentially thousands of pounds worse off.

**Good-bye faithful friend** Image: Penny Smith

On the upside, the driver accepted full responsibility and my dealings with the insurers were relatively short and productive. Payment was made within a fortnight and the hunt for a new vehicle began.

**Decisions, decisions** Image: Samuel Regan Asante on Unsplash

Finding transport

My husband is expert in all things mechanical, so I let him look for something suitable. He found some lovely vehicles, but they were diesel and less than ideal for town driving. He found others, the price of which were more than double my settlement sum. We considered car loans, using savings and tried to estimate the potential maintenance costs involved. We did maths until my head hurt. Because surely, as someone with limited mobility, I could not possible manage without a car? Or could I?

And so began my car experiment (I am a great fan of the empirical method). I would run it for a month or two and then make a decision. If it didn’t work, then there was no loss except in time. If it did work, I would be saved a lot of bother and expense.

Buses are rather beyond me, since the stops are all some way from my home and sadly, I couldn’t stand for long if they didn’t turn up. So my only real option was taxis and trying to increase the distance I could walk.

**A convenient solution** Image: Daniel Monteiro on Unsplash

Taxi!

Most of us think of taxis as a luxury, because they are expensive. My weekly trip to the Towner costs about £14 return. My friend’s single ticket to Heathrow cost £19. Yet, even at such a price, they come out considerably cheaper than running a car. According to The Car Expert, the average UK driver spends approximately £2,600 a year in running costs (and that excludes the purchase/lease price). For someone like me, who does much less driving and over short distances, it comes out to about £1,700 (£33 per week). So my question was: Would I, over the course of a month, spend more than £33 a week?

The answer was a resounding no. Once or twice I got close but much more often spent £15 or less. The reason for this, in part, is that my husband has a car, so weekends and evenings I have access to another vehicle. It would be rather more difficult without a second car, but not impossible. And yes, I do go out! If it’s not too far, I can walk one way and take a taxi the other and get in my daily exercise.

The price of convenience

I would be lying if I didn’t say that using taxis requires a little more forethought than simply jumping into the car. The service I use is exceptionally reliable and with their app I can book my journey in both directions, but I do have to book. It is also advisable not to use them at rush hour or during the school run – but then, even when I had a car, I avoided those times.

For those more able-bodied than me, walking and cycling are forms of transport that reduce the need for expensive gym membership, as well as giving the environment a much needed break. Ironically, they can also be quicker and more convenient than cars, since there are no headaches with parking or getting to precisely your destination.

**Cars everywhere** Image: Viet Hammer on Unsplash

Most folks would consider losing their car as a great tragedy, but the last few months have taught me that the opposite is true. A polite driver picks me up and drops me off at the door. In my experience, they are always punctual and it is rather lovely being chauffeured around the town rather than being stressed by traffic jams, parked cars and pedestrians.

Taxis must be the most efficient use of vehicles too, since they are used all day by any number of people instead of taking up road space on the curb-side. Further, they use return journeys to collect others thus reducing the carbon emissions for each ride.

Finding alternatives

We are so much a car culture that it is often difficult to see that other alternatives exist. For those living in rural areas, I appreciate that a car may well be a life-line, but even here we can think a little imaginatively.

In Aberlour, in the Highlands, we discovered that there was an electric car and bike share. You join the scheme, pay a nominal subscription of £18 a month and pick up and drop off your vehicle at the Tourist Information office in the centre of the village. Mileage is charged at about 20p per mile and by the time required. In addition, Speyside has a voluntary car share for those less able to get about. Even in such a remote place, they have found a solution to fit everyone.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could do something like this ourselves? So many of our streets are literally lined with vehicles (some on the pavements where prams and wheelchairs cannot pass).

It is seldom that I see a car with more than one occupant heading in the same direction. My friends are all great at filling the car for outings, but perhaps we should encourage more to do the same. It may not be quite so easy, but personal convenience comes at a cost to everyone.

Do try this at home

My little car experiment has, so far, turned out very well and I’m very glad to have embarked on it. But my situation is not your situation. All I can do is encourage you to create a little experiment of your own. Who knows, it may transform your life.

Addendum – Today my taxi let me down and left me stuck at the Towner. Despite booking, it never arrived. It was during a busy period. Fortunately, the bus stop was not too far away in the town centre and I got home safely and easily. Perhaps I shall be trying a hybrid approach from now on!

The Canny Gardener – Growing Food

**Harvest** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Perhaps I watched too many apocalyptic disaster movies in the 7os, but I have always had a little part of my brain telling me that I should be prepared for anything. That means, above all, being able to feed myself should civilisation, as we know it, fall into chaos.

Don’t worry, I am not a bonkers survivalist, but I do think that we owe it to ourselves to learn a little resilience and self-reliance. Rising food prices and shortages, climate change and global instability means that if we can contribute even a little to our own food stocks, we should. If nothing else, growing our own food makes us appreciate it (and therefore not waste it) and value those that labour every day to provide for us.

As anyone who has attempted growing their own food will tell you, it is hard and fraught with difficulties: garden pests, frosts, storms, heat and drought all work against us. It is always rather miraculous to me that we can produce anything at all. But we do and the challenge makes the reward so much sweeter.

**An urban vegetable garden (Sadly, mine looks nothing like this.**)
Image: Markus Spiske on Unsplash

The joy of playing in the dirt

Unfortunately, my MS means that I cannot garden nearly as vigorously or effectively as I should like. However, it doesn’t stop me from gardening at all. In fact, the time I spend outside makes me feel immensely better – even if it takes a toll on my energy levels. As a child, I loved playing in the dirt; as an adult, I’m no different. And no doubt this is why:

There’s a reason that the rose or veggie garden is often a person’s “happy place.” There is a natural antidepressant called Mycobacterium vaccae found in soil. The bacterium stimulates serotonin production, the stuff that makes you feel happy.
https://www.promixgardening.com/en/tips/gardening-health-benefits

Not only does the soil stimulate our happy hormones, but it can give us a Vitamin B hit (if we don’t clean our hands too perfectly.) Its other health benefits include physical well being through exercise and mental well being from immersion in nature.

And if you are growing fruit and vegetables, you get to enjoy organic, zero miles food for very little cost.

Since I can’t ‘dig for victory’, I have become rather focused on getting the most from my garden with the least physical effort. One way that we manage that is by planting lots of fruit trees and fruit canes.

The lazy gardener

My wonderful and very old apple tree gives us enough cooking apples for about a year. I’ve frozen pounds of them and stored the rest in the cool. No, they don’t have the bright waxy sheen of the supermarket ones, but they are super tasty.

In the last few years, we have planted a sort of orchard in the garden with mulberries, apples, pears, plums, quince and cherries in side beds and the vegetable patch. They require little more than watering when it is very hot and the occasional prune. If you want to be a lazy gardener like me – plant a tree!

The next easiest thing to do is soft fruits. We have numerous raspberry canes, which I have divided to make more. Our currants and gooseberries are sometimes raided by the birds. But that’s okay. They need feeding too.

**A gardener’s reward** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Herbs are perhaps the easiest of all and take up little room. A salad supplemented with various herbs becomes a thing of beauty. You can always grow some inside with sprouts to give you a macro salad for a micro price.

My favourite tip was given by a friend who discovered that Bigga Dried Peas (which cost 90p at Sainsbury’s) are ideal for pea shoots. I simply pop then in the soil, water and enjoy when they are about three inches high.

Seeds

By far the most economical way to garden is to buy seeds and perhaps bring them on a little in a greenhouse or window sill. Some plants, like rocket, don’t even need that, they will merrily self-seed all round your garden (mine even made it to the front garden) and feed you with no effort in perpetuity. Mint too is a terror for invading garden space, but I love mint and am happy for it to grow anywhere.

When you grow your own, there are invariably little surprises the following spring. This year, I’ve found some spring onions, chard and parsley that I can make no claims on nurturing.

Once you have planted your seeds and brought them to maturity, you can collect those seeds and use them again. Dry them carefully and keep in a dark, cool place. Last year, it was so hot that my Indian corn simply wilted. It did manage a few cobs though and I rescued those in hopes of better results this year.

**A little small to eat, but good to plant** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Free food

I have my seeds from last year and my wish list for this, and I have a couple of experiments I’d like to conduct. One is to practise companion planting using the three sisters of Native American agriculture: corn, beans and squash and the other is gardening with kitchen scraps and more unusual crops.

You can regrow almost anything and the link here gives you instructions on how: https://www.ruralsprout.com/regrow-vegetables/ This year, I’ve also tried to grow some more exotic seeds: chickpeas, lemons, olives and dates. It might be a complete failure, of course, but it has cost me only a few minutes’ effort. Even if they simply turn into pretty plants, I shall be very happy with that.

**Fingers crossed** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The key component to any gardening is patience and growing from seed requires a great deal of it, even from the most accommodating of plants. But watching a beautiful plant emerge from something as tiny as a seed awakens in us proper awe for the mysteries of nature.

Gardening for all

Few things give me as much pleasure as my garden and the produce it yields. And although we are not all able to do the heavy work of gardening, we still can enjoy doing what we can. My sessions actually digging/planting/weeding are very short but give me a great deal of satisfaction and necessary exercise. Planning and preparing the garden are equally enjoyable and growing little things inside, likewise.

Though I doubt we will need to be self-sufficient any time in the near future, we can always venture towards self-sufficiency to improve our health; make a positive impact on the environment and provide ourselves with delicious, fresh food.

And if we’re canny, we can do it for almost no cost at all.

NB

My lovely friend Elizabeth is coming to visit from America on Friday, so I shan’t be writing a post next week. We shall be too busy chatting and drinking tea. But I shall be back after that. I hope you’ll join me then.

The Canny Gardener – Flowers

Forgive me if I am preaching to the choir here, because I know that many of my readers are expert gardeners and far more competent than me. So I shall be writing mainly for those who, as I do, wish to be better gardeners and I hope I may even have something for the more accomplished.

Gardening is expensive. Perhaps not as expensive as the Victorian horticulturalists who spent vast fortunes on plant hunting expeditions and heating enormous greenhouses containing rare and delicate species. (The greenhouse at Chatsworth House was so huge that you could drive through it in a horse and carriage). Nor do our more interesting varieties of daffodil cost hundreds of pounds. Yes, even the cultivated, humble daffodil was once a rare collector’s piece.

But a visit to a garden centre usually results in returning with one’s purse considerably lighter. We go in, determined to only buy something for that space on the edge of the border, and come out laden with flowers, herbs, shrubs and even trees.

**Halls of temptation** Image: Zoe Deal on Unsplash

Garden centres are to gardeners as catnip is to cats. It is too much to ask that we don’t succumb to their charms? The solution, I would argue, is simply not to go there. After all, there are many other ways to source plants.

The garden centre alternative

One reason to limit one’s addiction to garden centres is, strangely, an environmental one. Almost all garden centre plants are contained in plastic when you probably have more than enough plastic plant containers at home.

Further, their plants will have been doused in pesticides and other chemical nasties. This is true even for those plants sold as ideal for pollinators, since ironically, they contain toxins detrimental to bees. (If you want to discover more on this topic, I highly recommend Dr Goulson’s The Garden Jungle.) Those of us trying to garden organically are often unwittingly introducing chemicals into our gardens via the soil of garden centre plants. The safest option, therefore, is to grow from seed.

Seeds

If you want to be extra virtuous, you can buy seeds that are organic very easily on-line. The Internet is also the best place to find more unusual species and since seeds are light, postage is seldom a problem.

But before purchasing anything, I’d recommend pulling out all the seeds that you already have. My normal modus operandi would be to go to the garden centre and pick out all the beautiful packets that catch my eye. There is no way that I would have time to plant them all. This year, to combat such craziness, I have checked my seeds and organised them by date of planting.

**Seeds – sorted!** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

If there is space for more, I can note it on my wish list.

One thing I have done is take seeds from the seed heads of successful plants to sow again this year. There are many beautiful flowers that are really easy to recover seeds from including: poppies, love-in-the-mist (Nigella) and honesty. Once the plant has flowered and the seed head/seed formed and dried, simply shake them into an envelope and label.

If you have excess seeds, of course, swap and share with friends. Commercial packets often contain many more seeds that one has space to sow. And those you have taken from garden are likely to thrive in ones close by, since soil conditions and temperature are similar.

Pinch an inch

Perhaps my favourite way of getting new flowers from old is via cuttings. Ever since I was first successful in increasing my number of very bog standard geraniums, I have been hooked.

The way to take cuttings is the same for most plants. Find a healthy stem that has no flowers, snip it about six inches down just under a node (where the leaf emerges from the stem). Strip any leaves that are in the bottom inch or two and pot in well draining soil. If you have rooting hormone powder, dip the bottom end in that first before planting up. Keep the soil moist until roots form and repot.

**Pot plant cuttings** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Last Sunday, I was at my niece’s for brunch and admiring her many and varied pot plants. Would she mind if I took a few wee cuttings to try to bring on at home? Of course not.

Since one good turn deserves another, I took a piece of my now Triffid-like angel-winged begonia for her. I hope it thrives.

**Pass it on**! Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

This plant had been given to me as a tiny cutting and now is about two feet tall. In fact, most of my truly successful plants started with someone else. What started as a tiny rose geranium now fills two giant pots and several smaller ones. A number have been given to friends.

If you don’t have any green-fingered friends to rely upon, there are always cuttings to be taken from walks or even from plants that venture over the fence. My neighbour’s beautiful honeysuckle wandered into my territory and I took a little snip. It’s now a thriving climber.

Self-replicating plants

There are certain plants that are guaranteed to give the novice joy. They are the ones which, with minimal effort on our part, just reproduce. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted some spider plants, but they were not available in the shops. So, I went online and ordered four tiny plants – one an exotic curly one. Their little babies hang adorably from the mother plant and if you want to start a whole new plant, you only have to take a ‘baby’ and plant it in its own soil. I think that here I am a victim of my own success and have more spider plants than I know what to do with and am running out of friends to give them to.

**To this** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The beauty of bulbs

Spring is my favourite season and I eagerly await the emergence of the first flowers as winter makes its farewell. Our garden is full of bulbs and my husband planted even more last autumn. The wonderful thing with bulbs is not only that they reappear each year, but that they divide and provide ever increasing numbers of flowers. For perfect ones, it is advisable to dig up the bulbs and divide them every few years, but I confess I am too lazy to do that.

I also recycle any lovely flowering bulbs that I have been given. Many a daffodil and hyacinth in my garden began as a gift.

And speaking of gifts, flowers are always the most welcome. I love to give and receive bouquets of garden flowers. They require no air miles or unnecessary packaging. Cuttings and seedlings are wonderful too. When we are all conscious of living costs, such a thoughtful gift delivers without impacting too heavily on our pockets.

**The gift that keeps on giving**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Being a canny gardener really means being a little more mindful of how we can use (and reuse) what we already have. And if you really want to purchase plants ready-made, my niece gave me a great tip. Buy the sad ones in the bargain bin! These plants, which might otherwise be thrown away, just need a little nurturing and time. They will almost certainly delight you next year.

Next week, I’ll look a gardening produce on a budget. I hope to see you then.

Oat Power!

This morning, as I was hanging out the washing in the glorious winter sunshine, I was wondering what to write about this week. Valentine’s was past, Lent not yet upon us and spring is officially weeks away. Hmmm. Then I turned my attention to breakfast and that’s when it hit me. Oats! I should write about oats!

**Oat field, Quebec** Image: Claude Laprise on Unsplash

Breakfast of champions

Most mornings, we would indulge in rather expensive and delicious granola. However, one day, Mariia was perusing the ingredients and quantities and discovered that our ‘healthy’ breakfast included rather unhealthy quantities of sugar. Drat! Once you know this you cannot unknow it. And since we are both trying to improve our figures, a sugar laden breakfast cereal is definitely a no-no.

‘Let’s have porridge instead,’ I suggested and we’ve never looked back. Ukrainians love porridge – kawa (pronounced kasha) and cook it using all kinds of grain: buckwheat, millet, whole oats and corn. They have it savoury and sweet. Being a Scot, however, I am less adventurous and have it made from oat flakes and salt.

Following a suggestion by Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall, I’ve been soaking my oats overnight and prepare them using a ratio of 1 part oats to 2 parts liquid. At first, I tried it using only water and they tasted very creamy to me when cooked in the morning. Mariia, however, in Goldilocks mode, was not impressed. I tried half milk and half water, then all milk. That proved just right.

**Simple but delicious!**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Interestingly, when it comes to porridge, we all display our cultural heritage. I eat mine with milk and salt, Mariia with homemade jam and my husband with maple syrup and bananas. But that’s the thing. Oatmeal is a joy, because you can add whatever you fancy: cooking apples, nuts, dried fruit (even peanut butter according to Mariia) are all delicious. Like bread, it is a blank canvas on which to paint your favourite flavours. Unlike bread, it will keep you well fed until lunchtime.

Oats’ superpowers

For a super food, the humble oat is a very user-friendly one: it is cheap, available at any supermarket and requires little or no skill to prepare. In its tiny flake it holds really everything you need to power you through the day. Weight for weight, there is little to compete with it. And don’t just take my word for it, Healthline.com said, ‘… oats are among the most nutrient-dense foods you can eat. Oats are rich in carbs and fiber, but also higher in protein and fat than most other grains.’ (9 Sept 2019)

If you soak your oats overnight, you can increase its nutritional qualities further. Since they cook very quickly and do not need to boil, very little of the goodness is lost and it saves on the energy bill.

**Buy the good stuff**! Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Oats must be one of the least expensive cereals, so you can indulge in the best. We buy organic whenever possible and these never disappoint.

Compared to other cereals, oats definitely provide a great deal more value for money. To start, they cost less than half yet give twice as much. One cup of overnight oats is composed of 20% fats, 60% carbs and 20% protein. Cornflakes in contrast, provide 0% fat, 93% carbs and 7% protein.

And you don’t even need to cook them. Some recipes use oats soaked overnight and kept in the fridge. I’ve included some rather fun ones here should you fancy something more exciting:

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/overnight-oats-recipes

Oats all the way

We follow a mainly plant based diet, so regular cow’s milk is not for us. I tried all the alternatives: almond – too sweet, soya – not great and rice – bleuch! Then oat milk became popular and we were saved. All the above alternatives are not great for the planet, but oats? Well, they grow in our hemisphere and are actually good for the soil, so much so that one gardening tip for house plants is to mix oats into the soil as a sort of cheap fertiliser. (I kid you not!!) See https://www.gardeningetc.com/news/houseplant-care-tip-oats-does-it-work

**Salvation. A delicious milk alternative.**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The barista edition of Oatly is especially fine and very comparable to whole dairy milk, so if you are considering becoming more plant-based in your diet or you wish to walk more gently on the Earth, this is a great place to start. Oat milk ‘uses 60% less energy and generates 85% fewer greenhouse gas emissions than cow’s milk.’ (Country Living, Feb 2023) The figures say it all.

And if you are nervous of venturing into non-dairy milk territory, I suggest you start with the chocolate version. That really is dreamy.

This morning, I have only looked at using oats in porridge, but the applications of this humble grain are endless. Some recipes I use include oat flour (simply whizz in the blender), others incorporate it in crumbles and nut roasts. Oats have long been favoured in biscuits and desserts like cranachan and raw in muesli. Many folks with gluten intolerance can eat oats and they are far nicer to work with than gluten free flours.

However you choose to enjoy them, I hope that you’ll agree that it is always good to get your oats!

Too Many Lemons

After surviving the onslaught of catastrophes and strains that filled January and early February, life hurled one last lemon and my lemonade making capacity was exhausted. Returning spent but triumphant from my long walk from my art teacher’s, I made the mistake of reading the news. A freak and terrifying cold front was descending on the North East of the USA.

This was the day, of course, that my son and his fiancee were driving the seven hours from Pennsylvania home to Maine. Why worry, you may ask. Well, the news was filled with car wrecks and mayhem and the terrifying information that ten minutes outside would lead to frost-bite. Something as simple as breaking down could prove fatal.

**Hazardous conditions** Image: Remi Jacquaint on Unsplash

And when they Skyped on Sunday, full of cheer and stories, I felt like an idiot. Once again, I had allowed the fear of what might be to add to my fatigue and low mood.

Concerns over the future are only natural. Worry is often a sign that we care. But when we allow that worry to impact ourselves by affecting our mood and energy levels, we need to try to reign in those natural emotions.

MS is often triggered by extreme stress. Mine certainly was. My youngest was off volunteering in the US wilderness and less than ideal in communicating; my mother was planning to put my father into care. And so on, and so on. The result was my body capitulated to a chronic illness.

And sadly, too many serious conditions start this way. Relentless anxiety does no body any good.

Getting back on track

Exhausted, fed-up and generally grumpy, I had to find a way back to better health. By the end of the weekend, I was headed in the right direction and despite my daily battle with fretting about the Russians, I’m looking forward to a good month ahead.

If you are struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life, here are some ways that work for me and I hope will work for you.

Get some rest For me that has meant a great deal of sleeping and napping whenever I need to and trying not to beat myself up for being so pathetic. Fatigue is a very large part of my condition and fighting it is pointless. Most of us benefit from giving ourselves a proper rest. Everything is overwhelming when you are tired.
Night frets Four am seems to be the preferred time to wake and fret. My friend joked that we should set up a group chat then, since we are all awake anyway. When anxiety strikes, our disturbed sleep is often the first indicator. I would love to have a solution for this (and it would make me very rich) but all I can suggest is acceptance. I try not to watch the clock but rather to take it as a moment of rest -I’m under a cosy duvet after all. Meditation is also a good option. And sometimes these quiet moments allow us to find solutions to our problems. Like fatigue, going with it rather than against it paradoxically solves the issue.
Accept your feelings Recently, I have started to be much more honest about my feelings. Instead of reverting to the ‘I’m fine’ response, I tell the truth and say that I’m tired, angry, fed up or sad. Expressing it out loud to yourself and others, often improves things. Acknowledging and accepting how you feel frequently leads to that emotion quietly evaporating. Expressing it to others lets them know that you need more careful handling and that your silence or sadness is not their fault.
Write it down My morning pages work as a kind of therapy. There is nothing like exploring something that bothers you on the page to help you see the situation clearly and perhaps even find a solution. It doesn’t take long, but needs to be done in a quiet space without interruption. Keep writing until you feel there is nothing more to add. Don’t be afraid to look at the worst case scenario and how you might cope.
Find some time for what you love and energises you Take me outside for more than five minutes and my mood is guaranteed to lift. A little gardening and the scent of damp earth; a coffee in the spring sunshine; playing ball with Hermione in the garden – all of these are my resets to good mental health. The company of friends and crafts and art also do the trick. Make time for your happy places.
Be grateful Even when we are in the depths of despair, there is always something that we can think of to be grateful for. I begin each morning with a ‘Thank you for this day.’ Life itself is a gift. If we have nothing else, we have our breath.

**Wise words** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Lemonade production resumes

I nearly didn’t write this post because I was feeling, well, so tired and crabby! But action, in whatever form, is always better than inaction. My situation means that life will continually be hurling lemons and I have a choice to be subsumed by that or to make the best of it. So far, the proactive route has kept me more active and able than I dreamt possible.

This week, I had a wobble, but that’s okay too. There will be many more in the weeks and months ahead, I am quite sure. However, by accepting life’s unpleasant surprises (since I certainly can’t control them) and consciously looking for joy and beauty, I plan to keep those times to a minimum. I hope you can too.

Careless to Carless

The day before we were due to set off to a funeral in America, my car was involved in a minor road accident. A somewhat careless postal worker pulled out from between two parked cars and directly into me. Fortunately, no-one was hurt, but my poor old car.

This trusty vehicle had given me no bother for over ten years and I had no plans to replace it until it drove no more. Sadly, its age was against it and when I mentioned this to the insurance company, they immediately wrote it off. In truth, it was rather damaged and could only go in reverse – but still!

With the wonderful help of my friendly dog walker, I managed to sort the insurance and used his phone for photographs. Despite having driven since I was eighteen, I really didn’t know what to do in the case of an accident. Luckily, he did.

After several hours of phone calls, my friend Penny kindly took me to the car to empty it and to wave good-bye as it set off to the scrap yard.

Now what?

Our flight was the next day, so I didn’t have time to get the replacement car offered nor to use it for long afterwards, so I decided that in the interim, I would just take taxis when needed.

My intention was for this to be a short-term solution, until I discovered how expensive and rare good second-hand vehicles are. My husband got on with the research on our return and I got on with life. In order to get anything as safe and reliable as my old car, we’d need to spend upwards of £10,000. Following an emergency trip to the US and a wedding there in the summer, this was a cost too far.

Doing the maths

**Calculations** Image: Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

Despite life hurling lemons with gusto, I was determined not to be defeated. Could I turn this unfortunate incident into something good? It would be a challenge – but isn’t everything?

I decided to take a scientific approach and consider all options before making any expensive decision. These were:

Buy a new car with the settlement and savings
Buy a new car with the settlement and loan
Use taxis

Like most people, my first thought was to of course get a new car. How would I cope without one? I have enough in savings to cover the costs and could manage car payments, but I am more than a little reluctant to dip into my very modest ‘pension’ savings to do so.

Running a car, let alone paying for one, is rather expensive. I would estimate around £1500 a year for someone with a reliable car and no claims on their insurance. That is around £125 per month or £30 per week. We seldom make these calculations because we believe we need a car of our own. But do we?

Taking an alternative

And this is my experiment. For the next month, I plan to allocate £125 to taxis and see if I use it. Since tomorrow is the first of the month, it is the perfect place to begin. I just need to remember to note all my journeys.

I’ve vowed not to take lifts nor to put people out. (But if my husband offers, I’ll accept!) If I need to get somewhere, I’ll get a taxi. If I feel frustrated at not being able to go places (such as Birling Gap) I’ll note it.

**A fair fare** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Taxis are not cheap. However, they are super convenient, avoid the frustration of parking and provide a stress free journey. When living in an urban area, they really are a solution to excess traffic and since they maximise mileage efficiency and usage, they are a little greener.

The walking cure

Following reading the excellent Landlines by Raynor Winn, in which her husband overcomes all the odds with a terrifying illness through walking the length of Britain, I have determined to make my own little journeys on foot. A thousand miles is currently far beyond me, but a mile? Perhaps even two is worth attempting.

**A walk in the woods** Image: Jeff Costello-McFeat

Not having a car is adding to the incentive to practise the one thing that might conceivably arrest or even reverse my condition. I managed to take Hermione to the puppy park today and back. It is a mere 25 minutes round trip and I need to rest afterwards, but it is a start.

And if I can do that, I can work on doing more – literally step-by-step. I would consider myself a realistic optimist. I doubt I shall ever manage much, but maintaining independent movement is paramount and this will certainly help.

We have the benefit of a family car, which makes a tremendous difference. Yet, I am keen to see if we can manage with just one. And perhaps, just perhaps, going from careless to carless will not only bring me financial savings but physical gains.

Making a Date with Art

**The Towner Art Gallery, Eastbourne** Image: Wendy Barton

One of the recommended activities of The Artist’s Way is that you make an art date part of your weekly schedule. For two hours, you fill your creative well with something just for you. It may mean visiting your favourite stationery shop, attending a concert or going to an art gallery. Whatever you do, you do it alone and give it your full attention. Selfish? Perhaps. Unnecessary? Hardly. Because if we want to have any hope of fulfilling our artistic yearnings, we must absorb as much creativity as possible from others, both to inspire and nourish ourselves.

Getting started

The hardest part of this assignment is getting started. Who has two hours to dawdle in a museum, watch a favourite film or wander a flea market looking for curiosities? Our instinctive response is no-one. Yet, the answer is actually everyone.

Like most people, I struggled to ‘find the time’. I’d manage one week and be tired and miss the next. My Puritan work ethic frowned at the frivolity. My sense of the rather hopeless endeavour of making any money from my work made we wonder if it were just a waste of time. My lack of any sense of being worthy of spoiling myself for a whole two hours each week was perhaps the most damning of all. So my attendance was erratic at best.

Except that sometimes I did manage to go. And each two hour session was like a mini holiday from life. After, I returned home refreshed and energised. Any tasks that had been set aside to allow me this break were soon accomplished.

Making the commitment

Luckily for me, I live very close to an award winning modern art gallery with a superb building, a library and a cafe. So I have committed to go every Tuesday when it is quiet and recharge my depleted creative batteries. I’ve become a museum member out of gratitude for the wonderful service they offer and to be more informed about up-coming exhibitions and events. It was £50 well spent.

**Membership pack** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

I’ve also worked out a way to give my visits a sense of purpose. Though the exhibitions do revolve fairly often, they certainly do not do so every week. So how was I best to use the time I was there?

Primarily, I decided to see all the exhibition and then review a few of the paintings in more detail: thinking about the choices the artist made, the mediums used, looking for tiny details. Still, I had quite a lot of time left.

A beautiful library

While wandering about the Ravilious room for the umpteenth time, I glanced at the well-stocked library there. Hmm, I thought to myself. I have always loved art, but am entirely ignorant of so much art history. Perhaps I could use this time to become better informed.

My first forays were random. I’d select a book I liked the look of, make some notes and a sketch and then head for the cafe. Then it struck me that I might want to be a little more coordinated. What if I began at A and worked my way through to Z? I didn’t need to pick up everything, but I would be guaranteed to learn a lot. My art teacher’s daughter rather grandly calls it my self-directed art study; I call it stimulating play.

**B is for Blackadder** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Making the most of books

I seldom have time to read the entire book, but I do have time to skim and jot down any key ideas. These gorgeous volumes are filled with high quality images and I try each time to select one, or part of one, to sketch. In doing so, I imprint the artist far more clearly in my mind than mere notes would do. Even though I have only coloured pencils to work with, it is enough.

**Practical notes** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Sources of inspiration

How do you know what you like if you haven’t been exposed to all the possibilities? The oft quoted, ‘I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like’ encapsulates this attitude, because ‘what we like’ is more often than not what we are familiar with rather than any aesthetic choice.

Writing this, I realise that I must put aside my prejudice against photography books. Next week, I shall have to pick one up!

Yet, as I work through these publications, I realise that I am drawn to certain styles. Not because one is ‘better’ but rather fits my interests. I love nature studies, print making and images combined with text. These may well guide me in my own art adventures.

**Detail from Carry Akroyd’s ‘natures powers and spells’** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Carry Akroyd uses exquisite nature prints overlaid with poetry by John Clare to express her concern over the diminishment of the English countryside (which was Clare’s concern too). The text weaves through the image, illuminating it. History and the present fuse and we are left, hopefully, encouraged to act to protect this precious Earth.

A little reward

When I am finished with my viewing, my reading and my sketching, I retire to the modern cafe for my refreshment. Of course, I could go home and have a cup of tea, but there is something deliciously decadent about having one made for you. And making this experience one of self-love and self-care is part of its charm.

**Tea for one** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

At an art museum, it is quite fine to sit by oneself and ponder. I often do a little doodle or start on a poem, because such moments of absolute tranquillity are rare. They are also, very precious.

What is stopping you?

Art dates are considerably more fulfilling than the usual activities we fill our days with. Finding two hours to yourself may feel like an indulgence, but it is really no longer than episode or two on Netflix and a fraction of the time the average person spends on social media.

Valuing ourselves and our creative journeys is paramount if we are to live our best lives. So go ahead. Plan a trip, make a date and remember that you really are worth it!

Getting into the Habit

Did you make any New Year resolutions this year? Are you sticking to them? If you are – congratulations. Most folks will have abandoned them by today.

Each year, we set ourselves goals and each year, well, we usually give up. The question is, why? I am fascinated by how our minds work and how sometimes, we allow them to take us down paths that are clearly not good for us. We neglect to exercise or eat well and even to pursue our dreams. We want to change our habits but don’t know how.

**Resolutions** Image: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Life habits

Since our brains can only process so much in one day, about 45% of what we do is habit. Our brains function on a sort of auto-pilot, which means we get up each morning, wash and brush our teeth without giving it any thought at all. We were taught as children to develop these habits and are rewarded with clean skin and healthy teeth. However, other equally automatic routines may cause us harm.

In order to change our habits or encourage new ones, we must first look at how they are formed. James Clear in his article ‘How to Start New Habits that Actually Stick’ explains it this way. A habit arises from a cue that the brain anticipates will bring a reward. For example, you wake up and wish to be alert. You drink a cup of coffee. This satisfies your desire to be alert. Your brain then associates waking with drinking coffee and a habit is born.

**Ahh! The first coffee of the morning** Image: Photo by Pablo Merchan Montes on Unsplash

Rewards

The key here is seeing what the reward is for your behaviour. The greater the perceived reward, the more likely you are to pursue it. If you see no reward – or only one you might achieve in the distant future – you will be unlikely to change your behaviour. Which is perhaps why we succumb to the desire for another piece of cake (instant reward) rather than passing and going to the gym instead (long-term reward).

So how do we bring better habits into our lives? Chris Sparks suggests that a rethink is in order. Rather than focusing on creating an entirely new habit from scratch, we should work towards making that new habit easier to achieve. He says:

If your daily habits require discipline to execute, you’re doing it wrong. With a habit-centric approach, we don’t “do things” as much as “make the things we want to do easier to do in the future”. Redirect that discipline towards building systems which can redirect the flow of our future behavior by making your habits easier to perform.

When acquiring a habit is just too hard and goes against the grain of our lives, we are doomed to failure. However, if we design a system that will encourage our success, we are likely to achieve our aims. Both good and bad habits take a long time to form. It may take months or it may take years, but if it is truly worth doing, the timescale is irrelevant.

**A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips** Image: Deva Williamson on Unsplash

Working towards achieving

This phrase, beloved by teachers, is actually a very good one. When we set our goal as working towards achieving, we give ourselves a little leeway. We are not so much failing as working on it and so hopefully, do not give up in despair.

When I was diagnosed with MS, I had two choices: succumb to my fate and continue life as usual or opt for a hopeful, though not certain, possibility of stability or even partial recovery. The first option would inevitably result in total disability within a matter of years. The second might, just might, hold that fate off for a while.

The decision was easy. Following it was rather harder. It required not just acquiring one new habit but many simultaneously. Stress reduction was paramount, so yoga and meditation needed to become part of my daily routine. My diet changed almost completely – moving from lacto-ovo vegetarian with very little fish to plant based with some fish and almost no pre-made foods.

There would be much stumbling, moments of weakness, back-sliding and general grumpiness at the whole situation, but I’m glad to say that after seven years, for the most part, I have succeeded. The discipline of exercise, meditation, cold showers, a restricted diet etc became natural. And as it did so, my resistance and frustration dissolved.

**Doing my best to achieve optimum health** Image: Estudio Bloom on Unsplash

Of course, I am not perfect. Sometimes life is a little crazy and I eat rubbish food or forget to do my yoga. And that’s okay. Forgiving yourself the odd relapse allows you to start again. If we are too strict with ourselves, we may just give up.

Changing habits

Perhaps the most important element of changing habits is to become more aware of those we have that we wish to alter. Since habits are, by definition, subconscious behaviours, we will have no chance of success unless we bring them into the light.

Let’s take the example of a bag of delicious, salty cashew nuts (my favourite). I probably eat too many of them, so how do I go about reducing my consumption?

James Clear proposes the following:

The cue – make them invisible (Put them in the cupboard out of sight or don’t purchase)

Craving – make it unattractive (These nuts will expand my waistline!)

Response – make it difficult (Where are those nuts?)

Reward -make it unsatisfying (Having eaten them, instead of feeling happy, I will feel as though I have let myself down. )

In order to create a new, good habit, do the opposite.

Baby steps

**One step at a time** Image: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Few things worthwhile are achieved in a moment. Like a child learning to walk, it will take perseverance, the odd tumble and lots of praise.

In order to successfully redirect our neural pathways, we will need to repeat our actions over and over again. Since most of what we do is automatic, we need to first become mindful of our behaviours. Focussing on what we do and consciously choosing to do it will help us avoid lapsing into mindless and possibly detrimental activities.

Equally, when we achieve our goal of redirecting our minds to a more positive action, we should congratulate ourselves on a job well done and focus on the benefits that it will bring. Our minds are driven by reward: make sure you offer one!

Starting small and gaining little victories is always more likely to succeed than making unrealistic goals. I could never run, no matter how much I would like to, but I can gradually increase the distance I can walk.

Whatever you would like to do (or not do) be kind to yourself. Think what you can easily manage: five minutes’ meditation or Duolingo and do it – every day. Before you know it, that time will increase and your new, positive habit will be formed.