When Life Gives You Lemons

Developing Lovingkindness

Recently, a dear friend sent me a musical version of the lovingkindness meditation that she had recorded for her church. It was so haunting and lyrical that I have been singing it to myself, several times a day, ever since. It was something that I wanted to share, but was not sure how best to do so. Should I include it in the Valentine’s post? Should I include it in a meditation one? In the end, I decided to showcase it all by itself.

Good advice! Image: Jon Tyson on Unsplash

What is lovingkindness?

This blended word is one that is used freely by myself and others, but to be honest, I was not sure of its roots. It simply seemed wholesome and ideal. So I looked it up. According to The Buddhist Centre, the lovingkindness meditation is a translation of metta bhavana. Metta means love, in the non-romantic sense, in the Pali language. And what is Pali? It is the language in which the surviving Buddhist scriptures are written. It is not a living language, but rather a literary/liturgical one. Bhavana means ‘development or cultivation’. So, lovingkindness meditation is all about learning to develop a feeling of love and kindness both towards yourself and others.

A perfect place to focus Image: Zoltan Tasi on Unplash

Five steps to developing lovingkindess

Traditionally, the meditation follows five steps with each taking about five minutes to complete. For a more detailed explanation, please check out: https://thebuddhistcentre.com/text/loving-kindness-meditation. I’ve given an an abbreviated one here:

Step one: Focus on yourself in a positive way. Allow a sense of lovingkindness to embrace you. You might like to add a phrase or chant to help you, for example, ‘May I be happy and well,’ or to visualise your love as light.

Step two: Think about a good friend or someone you care deeply about. Send your lovingkindness to them. Again, use a phrase or image to help you.

Step three: Now consider someone you know but have no particular feelings about at all – a sort of neutral relationship. Extend your lovingkindness to them.

Step four: This is where things get a little harder. Here you want to envisage someone that you actively dislike. We are putting the ‘love your enemy’ directive into practice here. By focusing on their inherent humanity, and ‘that of God within them’, you can move beyond your negative feelings to wish them only love and in doing so free yourself from the bondage of hurt and anger.

Step five: In this final step, you include everyone above plus all the people of the world. You may start with your immediate environs and move out to your town, country, continent and end with the whole world. You can include the planet itself. The Earth could certainly do with some loving kindness.

When you are finished, you can come back to the present by wriggling fingers and toes, returning gradually to a non-meditative state.

Baby steps

I appreciate that meditation is not the easiest of things to learn, simple though it appears to be. We need to find time and a quiet space to do it and in this hectic world, that is not always easy (though lock-down may be a blessing here). I confess that I am not always very good at formal practice, though I find it less difficult when I combine it with my breathing exercises. I also find it much easier to sing! Were you to hear me in the shower in the morning, I would be singing my lovingkindness mantra. It is a wonderful way to set intention for the day, even though I may not get past breakfast in achieving it! I also sing it last thing at night and in my head any time in between to reset my grumpy, demanding ego.

Here’s the musical version:

My friend Elizabeth and Anna give a beautiful rendition of this hymn/meditation

Finding your own path

Whether we use meditation or prayer or quiet reflection, it doesn’t really matter. What does is that we cultivate lovingkindness for ourselves and those around us and in doing so contribute to a more compassionate, non-judgemental and loving world. For all the benefits, you may like to read the excellent article in Psychology Today : https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/feeling-it/201409/18-science-backed-reasons-try-loving-kindness-meditation

For me, this meditation benefits both myself and my relationships. When you are ill and somewhat disabled, it is very easy to adopt society’s view of you as a somewhat lesser person. Lovingkindness – in starting with the self – reminds you of your inherent value and helps keep self-criticism, depression and stress at bay.

It is also a great reset button when one’s mind spirals down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts in relation to others. If I can catch it in time, feelings of resentment, judgment and anger evaporate as I run through the three lovingkindness mantras of I, you, we. You cannot send wishes of peace and love to someone and remain angry at them for long.

Though I have been practising meditation for some years now, I am still a beginner. We are all beginners. Developing lovingkindness is just that – an endless path of progression. It takes time and commitment. But given the choice between spinning and repeating the rhetoric of division or quietly working towards placing lovingkindness at the heart of our relationship with all living things, I know which I would choose. Though practice may not make us perfect, it can certainly help move us in the right direction.

In Praise of Small Things

One year, my son bought me an adorable Flow calendar featuring an illustration of a tiny pleasure for every day. These tiny pleasures might be something as simple as observing a new bloom or a chat with a friend or the first coffee of the morning. Anything that brought a smile would qualify. As I tore off each page, it encouraged me to look more closely at the world and appreciate how little things are often what give us most joy.

Then lockdown arrived and my already circumscribed life became even more constricted. While shielding, I could visit medical establishments, but not much else and my world became my house and garden and the few blocks surrounding it – with occasional thrilling trips to the countryside. I had a choice: go completely bonkers within the straight-jacket of restrictions or find another way to expand my world.

Observing the world from the window. But her mug says it all. Image: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Look closer

Perhaps it was an early obsession with Mary Norton’s The Borrowers or residual childhood memories of fairies in the garden, but I have always been acutely aware that there is a lot more going on than what we see on the surface. If your world seems small, the trick is to change perspective and look closer. Just as a tiny drop of pond water appears as nothing interesting; put it under a microscope and it will be transformed. There will be a whole world of activity, including tiny creatures too small to detect with the human eye. From what at first seems insignificant and lifeless, emerges something very much alive.

Though I haven’t (yet) embarked on any scientific investigations, I have made greater efforts to look much more closely at the world. And my, how magnificent it is! While at the dog park, I started studying the bark on the trees. Every tree was quite different: some barks were smooth to the touch and some entirely rough. Most showed scars, and many were carbuncled with mounds of either undeveloped branches or parasitic growth. Many were covered in lawns of yellow and green lichen – but, of course, mainly on their north facing sides.

What worlds are contained here. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

In the garden, if you are willing to sit for a while and refocus, there is endless activity in even a square metre of ground: ants scurrying on their errands; bees and butterflies making brief forays into flowers and beetles with their glorious, iridescent carapaces glinting and colour shifting in the sun.

Starting small

Spring is the perfect time to start thinking small. The season is tentative, knowing that blasts of winter can reappear at any moment with sometimes devastating consequences. So Nature has learned to keep things somewhat miniature until the dangers have passed. The earliest flowers are crocus, snow drops, wood anemones, pansies and violets huddling inconspicuous and close to the ground. Only once the promise of warmer weather seems more certain are they joined by their larger, more showy relatives: daffodils and paperwhites; camellias and hyacinths.

First flowers. The delicate beauty of snowdrops. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Zoom in

A good friend has recently acquired a macro lens for her phone and sends me gorgeous images almost daily of all the objects and plants she has photographed. Many are unrecognisable so close up, but all have a fascinating attraction. In them, the everyday becomes exotic, almost surreal. The components that make up the stigma and stamen of a flower with the background of vibrant petals looks like some forgotten Georgia O’Keefe painting.

My favourite is of a little piece of moss – now an abundance of green flowers. But what makes it extra special is the Green Man peeking out from the foliage centre right. I’ll let you look for it!

Of course, not all of us have such a lens, but we can still look much more closely at the everyday, perhaps focusing on a particular angle or segment. Either way, the familiar will become strange; the ordinary, fantastical.

Miniature appeal

Lastly, we are programmed to love small things. We may collect tiny charms for a bracelet or have an intricate train set layout. And who doesn’t love kittens and puppies? Small, cute things awaken the nurturing side of us. They need our protection and to be handled with care. Their size and fragility make them precious. And we simply love toys!

We also prefer things which do not pose a threat. Since we are bigger than these tiny things, we feel more powerful and in control when placed in relation to them. In times such as these, a sense of both is to be welcomed.

The appeal for me, though, is in the way that they expand my horizons by proffering a whole new vista in a scaled down form. Our brains, it seems are programmed to respond in such a way. According to Mentalfloss.com, ‘Research has shown that our gaze—and likely our touch too—is drawn to the regions of a scene or object that hold the most information. Part of our attraction to miniatures may be that they provide our sensory-seeking brains with highly concentrated dosages of tantalizing stimulation.’

Miniature humour. Image: Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

While our movements may be restricted, our minds certainly are not. With a little imagination and a willingness to look a little closer, we can make, as John Donne did with love, ‘…one little room an everywhere.’

Bring Me Sunshine!

After what seems like an eternity of rain, Sunday finally lived up to its name. And as the clouds parted and the sun made its entrance, the world was literally transformed. The little playground next to the puppy park was filled with rambunctious children and smiling parents. People shed their extra winter layers, and some, in a moment of extreme optimism, donned their shorts.

Nature too was cheered by the change in the weather. Reluctant buds suddenly bloomed, filling gardens with the Easter colours of purple, white and yellow. Happily nodding daffodils and jonquils brought their own sun bursts that lingered even after the sun shrank shyly away behind the clouds.

Daffodils mirror spring sunshine Image: Miss Mushroom on Unsplash

What’s in a name?

With the sun’s appearance on Sunday, I thought I would have a look at the derivation of the name. It is rather more interesting that I first thought. While most countries have a ‘sun day’ derived from the worship of the sun god, others refer to it as first day or resurrection day or something else entirely. Interestingly, traditional Quakers give it a numerical designation, first day, since the days are named after heathen deities and Exodus 23 stipulates that we ‘make no mention of other gods’. Though my favourite version of Sunday is the Old Russian, which translates as ‘day with no work’.

In the West, it is a day associated with worship. The early Christian church did not see a particular conflict between the sun and the Son – each provided life and light. St Francis said: ‘Be praised, my Lord, through all your creatures, especially through my lord Brother Sun, who brings the day; and you give light through him. And he is beautiful and radiant in all his splendour! Of you, Most High, he bears the likeness.’

Lifting our spirits

It really isn’t surprising that celebration of the life force that is the sun has been absorbed and twinned with so many other major religions. The Ancient Greeks attributed Helios (and sometimes Apollo – the god of light) with bringing the sunlight each morning – driving his fiery chariot from East to West daily. Yet even this was derived from much earlier sun worship. In the same spirit of adaption and absorption, the Judaic and Christian calendars have the spring equinox as one of their central festivals. The relatively modern Christian religion blending the resurrection of Jesus with that of the Earth herself at Easter.

Whatever your beliefs, there is no doubt that at this time of year, light has once again become ascendant. And such an event is bound to lift the spirits. How can one not hope when the days are getting lighter, crops can be sown, flowers picked?

Enjoying spring! Image: Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash

The healing sun

The Ancient Greeks were also prescient when they made Apollo, among his many other attributes, the god of healing, because the sun really can make you well.

In terms of our mental health, getting enough sunlight is vital. Sunshine literally lifts our mood by boosting our serotonin levels. This hormone/neurotransmitter is our body’s happy pill, keeping us contented and calm. It is also linked to our production of melatonin, a hormone vital for good sleep. By getting an hour of natural light in the morning, we can help our bodies produce enough melatonin at night for deep slumbers. Further, melatonin is a natural defence against stress. The more sunlight (and possibly exercise) you get outside, the better your spirits. So if you experience difficulty sleeping, as I do, I’d recommend the sunshine cure.

Sunshine also plays a very important role in ensuring that the body has sufficient vitamin D. Though some foods contain small quantities, it would be difficult to get enough through diet alone. The good news is that fifteen minutes of whole body exposure is sufficient to generate your daily requirement. The bad news is that few of us live in a climate where sunbathing is an option and during winter only our faces peak out from under hats and scarves.

In this case, we need to take it in the form of supplements – especially through the dark months. Why? Because vitamin D is vital for healthy teeth, muscles and bones. It is especially valuable now, as vitamin D supports the immune system in keeping colds and flu at bay.

For those of us with MS, vitamin D has an even greater role to play. This little video explains things further.

But it is not only those with MS who need to maintain optimal levels of vitamin D. Deficiency in this important vitamin has also been linked to many other serious illnesses including: diabetes, osteoporosis, rheumatoid arthritis and heart disease. A simple blood test can check your levels.

Though we cannot always have bright sunny days, we can enjoy natural light and gain most of the benefits. So welcome the sun and find time every day get outside. Your body will thank you for it.

The Power of Love

As we celebrated Valentine’s Day this week, I thought it would be the ideal time to write about the power of love. We tend to think of love as something romantic – a sexual pairing, but the Greeks were much more expansive in their views. They had eight words for love and each one has its own distinct characteristics.

Romantic love

Eros – It is love based, at least initially, on sexual attraction. This powerful love has fuelled some of the greatest art, in every medium, from opera to pop, plays to film, fine art to graffiti.

Something to sing along to while you read.

Romantic love is so powerful, because it ignites our passions and fills us with a sense of euphoria. This phase of romantic love is called Ludus or playful love. Though what begins with puppy-like affection can turn, when misdirected, to Mania or obsessive love. Not everyone can handle the power of love.

No doubt, St Valentine would not be impressed that his sainthood has become associated with Eros, having died in defence of his faith. He was, however, attributed with marrying Christian couples against the wishes of the Emperor, Claudius II. So perhaps, there was a little bit of the romantic in him after all.

The universal symbol for love Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Love and marriage

Ideally, married love endures and fulfils the promise ‘Till death do us part.’ When this occurs, the heady rush of erotic love matures into Pragma. When we see a sweet old couple sitting together in the park, we are witnessing this love. Though love as a marathon event is not always the easiest, it is the one designed to yield the greatest rewards. The power of this love is in offering stability in society as a whole and in the smaller unit of the family. Though it may not be attainable for everyone, it is still one that I think is worth aiming for.

Linked to this love is Storge or family love. It is the intense bond a parent feels for a child and family members for each other. It is equally applicable to friends who, through long acquaintance and deep affection themselves become ‘family’. As families become more fractured by geography or separation, it becomes increasingly important that we nurture this kind of love. Though often overlooked, I feel this love is the glue that binds us and helps us to develop the skills to love those outside our immediate circle.

Family love crosses generations Image: Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

Platonic love

More appropriate loves to attribute to St Valentine would be Agape and Philia. The first is the most comprehensive love, since it embraces everyone in its affection. It is unconditional and compassionate. In following Jesus’ teaching, St Valentine did love all and even cured his jailor’s daughter of her blindness. His desire to spread his faith extended to trying to convert the emperor, though this sadly, proved a step too far.

Philia or brotherly love, is an ideal love between friends and equals. To the Greeks, this was one of the most important forms of love, far surpassing that of the erotic. And I think they had a point. Our longest standing relationships are those of our childhood and early adulthood. These are friends who, when we meet up again after even the longest separation, feel as comfortable and cosy as a hand knitted jumper. For me, these friends automatically fall into the category of family. They have always been my safety net and I feel infinitely blessed to have them. Though I think this love can be stretched fairly thin, personally, I feel they are too precious to allow to drift. Keeping in touch; letting them know you care, invariably strengthens this powerful love.

Though Friendship Day isn’t until 30 July, I think these wee cards are a great way to show your affection. And yes, I did make one myself!

Love yourself

Loving yourself –Philautia -is a more complex one. In one unhealthy extreme it becomes narcissism, but in its proper manifestation it is a crucial element in finding all the other kinds of love. For if we do not love ourselves, how are we to love anyone else? Self-care and self-compassion are vital to our well-being. Just as in the safety manual of an airplane, we are told to put on our own oxygen mask before attempting to secure another’s, we must make sure we take care of our own mental and physical health before attempting to engage in anyone else’s.

This truth has become glaringly obvious to me over the past few years. Every step I take to maintain the best health I am able allows my husband to live a normal life. Were I to quit trying and slump on the sofa, I would soon deteriorate to a point where he would have to stop work and look after me. Self-care is often far from selfish and though my case is perhaps more obvious, it applies, to some extent, to every one of us.

Self-love does not mean that we have an exaggerated, positive view of ourselves. Proper self-love acknowledges our own imperfections and, rather than projecting them onto others, works to rectifying them whilst compassionately accepting our inherent imperfection.

So, perhaps we should be writing a love letter to ourselves this year. (And all the other folks who make our lives a little more special.) Love is far too powerful an emotion to be restricted to just one day. I believe that expressing your love everyday seems a much better idea.

Longing

This is the waiting time. Vaccines have been approved and are rolling out with great efficiency in the UK. Yet, not everyone has been vaccinated nor will be for some time. And in many other countries, the process has barely begun.

Spring has teased us with the first, beautiful blooms only to submerge them in snow. The lengthening days start and finish in freezing temperatures. The current lockdown has no end date – only cut off times for some vital government financial support.

Is it any wonder then that I am filled with longing? As I am sure you are: for a return to life without the low level hum of anxiety; of warmth and sunshine; for at least a glimmer of security; reunion with friends and family.

Brave crocuses, tempted out on a fine day, frozen and shrivelled by snow the next. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

My health situation means that I live with constant uncertainty, a background noise of ‘what ifs’. The pandemic has just been one more layer and though I try to remain a positive person, by last weekend, I felt it all overwhelm me. Longing was turning into despair and despair is not a luxury I can afford. There would be no coming back.

I practised all the things I advocate in this blog. I increased my exercise, my meditation and made more art. I slept in to try and recuperate from disturbed nights. I studied the view, willing myself to appreciate every bud and tree and sky. I turned to my friends for help.

And it worked.

Winter beauty. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Standing in the garden, it seemed that everything was dead until I looked more closely. The very tips of trees were in bud. Low to the ground, bulbs were pushing through – some only weeks away from bursting into life. Taking some deep breaths, I tried to feel the garden. It pulsed with life. Like sleeping beauty, it was only mimicking death, waiting for the sun’s kiss of resurrection. And though we can predict almost nothing else: the world will turn, the warm days will come. Spring is on its way.

Come on out! The snow is bracing! Image: Craig Whitehead on Unsplash

Walking in the cold, bundled up like a Michelin man, is a bracing tonic. Like computers, MS sufferers need to be kept cool in order to function, so though the weather is not most people’s ideal, for me it offers an opportunity to extend my walking range. My walking poles keep me from stumbling on the uneven pavements and Jeff and Hermione are good company. By the time I return, I can barely move and my final steps are more leg swings from the hips than true walking. But this burst of fresh air, forcing my blood to circulate and the joy of reaching incrementally further distances makes it all worth while.

Craft production has gone into overdrive. My fractured mind needed focus. Out came the air drying clay, papers for cards and a quirky diorama. Origami stars were made for my granddaughter (she loves them) and plans were made for even more projects. Scattered thoughts were corralled into something productive and rewarded me for it. Who cannot feel happy at a task completed? It doesn’t need to be professional or perfect – just done. Before there were only raw materials. Now there is something!

A magical, miniature diorama courtesy of Flow Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

And lastly, I spoke to friends. For once, I allowed myself to reveal weaknesses – fears and frustrations. And my honesty was met with compassion and practical help. Many of my friends are a bit older and due their vaccinations now, so I thought I would simply ask if they heard of any spare doses to offer my name as someone who would come at a moment’s notice to avoid wastage. Unbelievably, two days later just such a scenario arose and I was privileged to get my first dose. I wish everyone I knew was so lucky and wait impatiently for them to be protected too.

When I was beginning this post, I was determined to find a fissure of hope in the wall of despair; to pry it open and let the light in. As it transpires, that was done for me. I am still longing for the spring and its abundance of flowers. I am still longing for longer, warmer, lighter days. I am till longing to see my friends and chat and laugh in person. But this last week has shown me that miracles are possible and even when they are in abeyance, we have the resources to prevail.

Home ECO-nomics

With all the current political and health concerns, it is easy to forget that the Earth needs our help. Whilst we all know that we should be doing more to save the planet, it is often difficult to find the time and motivation to actually do so. And as with many worthy activities, it can seem rather boring.

Be a friend of the Earth Image: Louis Maniquet on Unsplash

But what if we change the narrative? What if, instead of thinking that it is something we ought to do that it is something that we can enjoy doing: something that brings us financial or creative benefits or both?

The topic is endless and complex, so I shall begin on the small scale and where we can see the results. I shall begin with the home.

The three Rs

Here’s a jolly little song to inspire you!

There is a very simple formula for living a more environmentally conscious life and that is to follow the three Rs: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Focus almost always tends to fall on the last, and although that is important, it is not as significant as the others. If we reduce the amount that we consume and reuse what we have, recycling becomes a small part in a virtuous cycle.

Twenty is plenty

With heating accounting for 50% of UK homes’ heating bills (Energy Saving Trust) it is worth thinking about how much we actually need. It turns out that like the ideal speed limit near schools, 20 is plenty. This equates to 68 degrees Fahrenheit. Of course, if you need it warmer to keep well, turn it up, but for most of us, a woolly jumper will do the trick.

Since we are always dressed for dog walking, this temperature suits us fine. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Heat efficient cooking

Despite cooking food being a significant part of a household’s energy use, I seldom see guidelines on how to cook more efficiently. So here are a few I have picked up along the way.

Put a lid on it! The simple act of putting a lid on a pot decreases the cooking time and reduces energy costs. Many foods, once brought to the boil, will cook very happily without any heat at all when sealed with a lid. I use this method to cook vegetables and rice and it works a treat. (You can always turn the heat back on if they need a little extra.)
Match the pot with the hob. Placing a smaller pot on a larger hob could waste up to 40% energy according to the American Council for an Energy Efficient Economy. And this was with only a 2 inch differential.
Oven on? Fill it up! If you have an oven on, try to fill all the shelves. It may take a little forward thinking (putting the butternut squash in to make soup the next day, for example) but it is well worth it. And cooling ovens can be used to dry fruit leathers, herbs and kale chips.

Food glorious food

Food waste in the UK is beyond startling, currently around 20 million tonnes. The true cost of this is huge: in the production, packaging and transport of wasted food; the financial cost to the consumer and its disposal in already overstretched land-fill sites. A few steps can go a long way towards reducing this waste: planning your grocery list; resisting multi-buy deals on fresh products unless you can realistically use them all and learning to use up everything in the fridge.

My cooking tends to be determined by what is getting closest to its sell-by. So I start by seeing what needs to be eaten and plan my meals around that. It takes some of the strain of what to make for dinner out of the equation. An all-time favourite is ‘bottom of the vegetable basket soup’. Soups are a brilliant way to use up tired vegetables. This one is easiest of all. Take your sad vegetables, clean and chop. Fry a chopped onion, add vegetables and stock plus any seasonings/ herbs your fancy. Bring to the boil. Turn off the heat and let vegetables cook until tender. Reheat before serving. Add rice or oats for a thicker, heartier meal.

A delicious starter for pennies – and no waste Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

If you wish to economise on food bills and have that virtuous warm glow of helping the planet too, here are a few ideas to enable you to do that. Buy wonky veg! Most supermarkets now sell ‘imperfect’ (in appearance only) vegetables at ridiculously low prices. These vegetables would probably have been thrown away – all the effort – and energy used to grow them wasted.

Whilst organic vegetables are ideal, they can be expensive. And if they are flown in from New Zealand, I’d question the benefit. Local is always better. If you can get both, that is perfect.

All of us have home freezers, and these work most efficiently when full. Ours contain bread and baked goods to keep them fresh; fruit and veg from the garden and commercial sources. We’ve just discovered frozen avocado chunks- perfect for guacamole and no more wasted avocados that go bad over night.

Smart containers

When it comes to reusing, containers are the key. Without going crazy, look at the product you are buying and think how you can give the packaging a second life. Ideally, go for something that you know you can easily reuse – like Nutella in a tumbler glass rather than an oddly shaped jar. Be imaginative. Even the protective sheath on a greetings card can be reused for small items. My favourites are glass jars, which have endless possibilities. Most of my storage containers are old pickle jars. I love the tiny jam jars for lip balms and even made my American husband a patriotic snow globe from an old olive jar.

Jars – How do I use thee? Let me count the ways. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Decorate with stickers or pretty labels to give them a personal touch. Another great resource is magazines. Read, enjoy then repurpose. And when you are done? Recycle!

Paper play

Beautiful papers are too good for the recycling bin Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Pretty magazine papers are perfect for wrapping small gifts, making bespoke envelopes and practising origami.

Wrapping paper can almost always be reused if opened carefully and pretty gift bags will certainly serve many times. Old calendars, with their beautiful illustrations on quality paper, make wonderful backdrops for cards. And old greeting cards make super gift tags.

One of my favourite paper resources is books – the old ones whose covers are falling off. There are whole books on this form of upcycling and book art is a special love of mine. Printed pages (as with sheet music) can be used in endless ways from jewellery to hedgehogs.

And all those little paper scraps? They are perfect for collage.

The final step

Once you have enjoyed using everything, then it is time to recycle. Out of courtesy to those handling your waste, it is good to give containers a wash in soapy water before putting in the recycling bin.

The more you consider your use of the Earth’s vital resources, the more you are likely to look after them. In doing so, you will save money and the planet.

I have only touched on a few ideas here, but I would love to hear from you if you have any imaginative or practical ways to minimise domestic waste. Please pop your ideas in the comments section below, and if there are enough of them, I shall present them in a future post!

Harmony

We live in divisive times. These last few years have seen fractures widening on so many issues: Brexit, Trump, race, gender and sexual orientation. Increasingly, what began as dialogue and debate has fallen into the shrill cry of outrage. And as each shouts louder, the quiet voice of reason is drowned out.

Without doubt, there has been plenty to be concerned about. Injustices too many to count have occurred; individuals and groups have suffered. There is much to be done. But talking and blaming are the least likely routes to a lasting solution. Our only hope is in learning to listen.

Many notes, but one beautiful sound Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

When singing in a choir, as much of our energy needs to be directed to what everyone else is singing as in following our own lines. The diversity of the notes, the varying ranges and tones are what makes the music beautiful. So too, in society.

We need diversity to thrive. We need to have our ideas and values challenged. Without this, we risk falling into a sort of mono political void – where the extremes of Nazism on the right and communism on the left reside.

Recently, I have been very disturbed by the tendency of the cancel culture to fall into this very trap where their battle cry is: If you do not agree with me, then I shall ostracise you, or worse have you lose your job. In the defence of one kind of thinking, individuals have simply suppressed another.

And it is so seductive. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling right? Who doesn’t enjoy that sense of moral superiority? We post and repost sometimes cruel memes, knowing that we will be rewarded with smiley faces and supportive comments. No-one I know likes Trump, for example, and his behaviour has been outrageous. However, I fear that in joining the jeering masses that criticise him, we too have become diminished. If we fill our heads with hate, I fear our hearts soon follow.

And the wedge between those who support him and those who do not widens further. What we need to do is ask why anyone would support such a man. The same has been true of Brexit in the UK. It is so easy to view the holder of the opposite opinion as a fool or worse. And perhaps some are, but when it literally divides a nation in half, we should assume that there is some cause for their position. If we discuss, if we listen, we may discover that they have cause for their beliefs. We may unearth the very fears and difficulties that led them to it. We may, if we are willing to dive into that messy, challenging area of policy change, work towards helping resolve them.

Black lives matter

Together, black and white make beautiful music Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Of course, black lives matter and the global protests have sparked a long-overdue discussion of how race impacts lives. That so many (of every hue) marched in support of this is a sign that a good number genuinely value our multi-cultural society. But speeches, and marches, only go so far. We need to engage with one another and this is not possible when either side is viewed as the enemy. I was somewhat appalled to see when I opened my online library catalogue that one of the best sellers was titled: Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People about Race. Ironically, I’m sure that it will be read by numerous white readers wishing to improve their understanding, but it saddens me nonetheless that many feel the divide is unbridgeable.

Perhaps a sign of hope should be taken from the star of Biden’s inauguration: a young black woman reciting her own work with the first female, mixed race Vice-President sitting behind her.

Brilliant and wise words

Let it begin with me

Since my post was going to be about harmony – blending a variety of voices into one beautiful sound, I looked for an appropriate audio-visual representation and found this gorgeous choir below. The singers come from diverse backgrounds. If I was looking for something to sum up what I hoped to say, it is this.

And let it begin with me is a powerful challenge. Ultimately, we cannot wait for others to show us the way. The times are too pressing for that. We can only look to our shared humanity and follow the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. When I meditate on equality, I always come back to this. It is as simple to say as it is difficult to carry out. Yet if we wish to live in a world where we respect and value each other, we really don’t have an option.

Sky Watchers

I have always loved looking at the sky, not just as a barometer of the weather, but as a moving, infinitely varied landscape of colour and light. It is every watercolourist’s dream: hazy pastels, borderless clouds, colours bleeding imperceptibly into one another. At times, it is framed by my window; at others it expands until it abuts with land or sea. And it seems, I am not alone in this obsession. Many of my friends are equally absorbed by the heavens as they transform throughout the day. We are the sky watchers.

This post is for them and to showcase some of the many, beautiful images they have shared with me.

Dawn

One of the main advantages of winter is that it is possible to witness the dawn without having to get up too early. As someone who needs their sleep, I fully appreciate that. Some of the dawns we have had recently have been truly magnificent and I regret not having a camera on hand to record them. For a few days, the sky was tangerine – stunning and uniform in its orange glow. Most days, it is more subtle: pale peach and yellow segueing into pale grey-blue.

Day

Recently, the skies have been a uniform grey, heavy with clouds pregnant with rain. Sometimes, I’ve been unable to see the clouds for the rain or the deep mists that sometimes engulf us here on the coast. Sometimes, our venturing out in such weather is rewarded. After a spectacularly wet, windy walk along the promenade when the rain was intermittently replaced by hail, we made it back to the car only for the rain to stop and a brilliant, arching rainbow to bridge the sky. We couldn’t help but smile and feel our blustery walk had been well worth it. A friend had a similar experience and, unlike me, had a camera ready to capture the magic.

Capturing the elusive rainbow Image: Carol Stadelwieser

And sometimes, the sky even manages a Hockney blue. When this happens, we can enjoy the clouds in their endless manifestations. Here’s a wonderful one, where the cloud looks like a stretching swan’s neck or a tear in the sky’s fabric.

Sunset

The sky’s show stopper is sunset. In this final blaze of glory, the sun washes the sky with colour before darkness descends. Sometimes it is a magical play of candyfloss pink and blue – a celestial baby shower as here:

Evening sky Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Or it is a fireburst:

Or a preview of the night to come. As the moon rises, the sun sets and sometimes we get to enjoy both.

Sunset over Eastbourne Image: Jane Cockburn

Night

And I am equally enamoured of the evening and night skies, though I am yet to master the art of photographing them. I love the purple feel of dusk, the black silhouettes of trees and buildings, the papercut outline of bird or bat.

And deep night is especially magical. Since wee Hermione often has late evening walks and even later trips to the garden, I can often be found staring up at the constellations and the moon, tracking its shape and size as it works through all its phases. A friend is equally enchanted and we text each other when a full moon or an especially beautiful one appears.

Night’s majesty Image: Free credit stockvault

The sky is liberal with its beauty. We need neither special equipment or location to enjoy it. All we need to do is look up.

Gratitude

Embarking on 2021, the nation convinced itself that this was going to be a year of hope and transformation. This year, all those problems of 2020 would be wiped away. This year, things were definitely going to get better. But world events heed no calendar. The amazing new vaccine was going to take a long time – several months – to deliver and meanwhile, cases were soaring. The much lauded defeat of Trump in November did not end there, but dribbled on with court case after court case and ended, spectacularly, with the storming of the Capitol. And if our spirits were not feeling sufficiently dampened, the rain and the cold saw to that.

And amongst all this, I knew that I had to cultivate gratitude, because without it, my mental and physical health would suffer. It was not going to be easy. As is often the way, the solution came from unexpected quarters. I received an adorable calendar as a Christmas gift just days after I’d purchased one for the kitchen and my son sent me an exquisite leather journal.

The gratitude calendar

The calendar I received was super cute and very personal. My friend knows I love Beatrix Potter, so it definitely was going on display in the dining room where I work. It seemed as shame, though, not to write anything on it. With a full page diary and a supplementary joint calendar, it was not going to be used for appointments. The question then remained as to how I would record each day. Then it came to me. This would be my gratitude calendar. I would write down one thing that I appreciated or brought me joy. In full lock-down, there was not going to be anything newsworthy, but it would remind me of how it is often the little things that count. And at the end of the year, when I took it down, I would see that 365 wonderful things had occurred in my life that I was thankful for.

Simple pleasures of the day, noted. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Examples of my entries include: homemade chocolate (my husband is proving a natural chocolatier); being brought a cup of tea in bed when I was especially tired; a walk in the winter sunshine and cuddles with the dog. Rather than searching for any good thing in my day, I often have to select one of many. And if you are struggling to find the benefits in life, I suggest that you start with your most basic needs and work up. In the West, we so take for granted our warm homes, clean water, and access to varied and delicious foods, that we forget what luxuries they are. As someone who does not take their existence for granted, I always begin and end the day with thanks for being here to enjoy it.

The gratitude journal

These last weeks have been a little stressful with health worries. Not wanting to spiral down the rabbit-hole of self-pity and despair, or obsess on how life hasn’t exactly gone to plan, I thought about all that I had experienced instead. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that even if I were to expire tomorrow (don’t worry, no chance of that!) I have lived a truly wonderful life.

The more I pondered, the more amazing stories tumbled out. Perhaps I should record them. After all, family stories are so easily lost and forgotten. Now that beautiful journal that had been placed on the shelf, because it seemed too good to write in, had a purpose commensurate with its loveliness. So I began writing. I’m aiming for an entry a day. Like Tristan Shandy, I suspect that my memories will exceed the paper and time available to write them. But what of it? Each day, I am reminded of good times and that raises my spirits. The journal will be there for me too when times are harder and will console me. They are a record too, of a life fully lived.

A record of a life. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Gratitude matters

Psychotherapist and author Amy Morin writes in ‘7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude’ (Psychology Today) how practising the act of thankfulness can bring significant benefits to our lives. Her own life was filled with tragedy, but this young woman has focused on the positive, resulting in her maintaining mental strength through adversity. Here’s a very condensed version of her article.

Thank you. However you say it, it will be appreciated. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Say thank you Most of us were raised by parents who were constantly reminding us to say thank you. Aside from fostering good manners, they were also teaching us a habit that would earn us friends and improve our social relationships.
Feeling grateful makes you feel better – literally. Positive, grateful people actually experience less pain and are more likely to engage in physical self-care, which, of course, also boosts well-being.
Gratitude is the key to happiness. Being grateful reduces negative emotions like envy, reduces depression and furthers happiness.
Thankful people are more empathetic. As a consequence, they respond more generously to others’ behaviours – even when they are unkind.
Gratitude improves sleep. Writing a gratitude journal, doing an A-Z of gratitude or simply thinking about something you are thankful for in the day puts you in the right frame of mind for deep and restful sleep.
Having a sense of gratitude makes you feel better about yourself. When comparing yourself with others, you do not feel envy but rather rejoice in their success.
Fostering gratitude helps us to become more mentally strong and resilient even when life is most challenging. Like now.

And if you need further inspiration, I suggest that you spend a few minutes watching this gorgeous video a friend forwarded to me.

A perfect, visual guide to gratitude

There are still things to make us smile. x

Life is what happens – Part 2

As we enter our second full lock-down, it is more important than ever to see what benefits we can take from the first. The arrival of the vaccine is a beacon of hope, but of course, vaccines must be made, those delivering it trained and those receiving it administered. It will certainly be weeks, if not months, until any kind of normality returns. We could, as so many folks are doing, complain about the delay, or we could make the most of this hiatus from normal life. Since this blog is entitled, ‘When life gives you lemons,’ you know which approach I’ll be taking.

Living Simply

Since the first lock-down, my husband and I have been managing on rather less than half pay. We imagined that our carefully reserved savings would be wiped out; that our standard of living would plummet. Yet, ironically, we haven’t touched our emergency fund and our standard of living has never been better. Of course, we haven’t been on holiday or out to restaurants. We haven’t bought much in the way of clothes or had haircuts (though I could certainly do with one!) Living simply at home has meant that what we actually need is very little. Realising this has been liberating.

Simple and delicious! Homemade summer squash and vegetable soup and bread. Thanks to YouTube, I learned how to freeze my glut of squashes. Image: Jeff Costello-McFeat

Of course, none of this would have been possible without the generosity of the government furlough scheme, which ensured my husband kept his job and worked as much or as little as the pandemic allowed. Many of his colleagues in the US lost their jobs and I can all too well imagine how distressing that situation would be. So though Boris bashing may be a national pastime at the moment, having peered over the brink of an economic abyss, I am eternally grateful that I live in a country where, no matter what happens, your basic needs will be met.

God bless the NHS

Equally, I cannot say how much I treasure a health service that is free at the point of delivery. Trying to stay well during a pandemic is stressful enough; trying to work out how to pay for medical care should you require a prolonged hospital stay falls into the realm of nightmare. We are so used to this luxury that we forget that for almost all the rest of the world, it is an impossible dream.

I loved that we all stood out and applauded those front-line workers who care for us, but we need to show that we fully respect them by doing everything in our power to stay well and, equally vitally, to keep everyone else well too.

Working from home

As someone who has worked from home for the past eighteen years, I am well aware of its benefits. But for those used to the crazy hours and even crazier commutes of modern life, it has been a revelation. People who once had to rise at 6.30 to have any hope of getting to work before 9.00, can now enjoy rising at a civilised hour and have an extra two to four hours for themselves. People who barely got to see their children before bedtime, were able to join them for lunch. Jobs which seemed vital to perform in an office environment; meetings scheduled hundreds or even thousand of miles away, suddenly proved to be quite capable of being conducted successfully from home. For many, the realisation that a work/life balance is possible, will, I hope be carried forward into new working practices. Of course, most people will enjoy going to the office and having that social interaction, but it doesn’t need to be everyday. I, for one, will miss my husband terribly when he goes back to work. I’m just hoping that his usual twelve hour days will be reduced and that some of them will be worked at home.

Getting outside

The change that has been most obvious during the various lock-downs has been the number of people getting out to exercise and socialise. Almost all my friends now walk regularly and I suspect this is true for everyone. Where in the past, we might go for a walk in a local beauty spot and meet the odd other person, now we have to find somewhere less crowded. Parking at our favourite haunt at Birling Gap is virtually impossible. And although I sometimes grumble about all the outsiders using ‘our’ favourite spaces, I am actually delighted that families are making the effort to introduce their children to the wonders of the natural world. And as the restrictions are relaxed, I hope that at least some will continue look to the outdoors for entertainment before their Xboxes or iPads.

The garden in winter Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Despite the fairly atrocious weather recently, I still spend time in the garden every day and I join my husband for at least one of Hermione’s walks. Yesterday evening it was dark with freezing, drizzly rain, yet being outside felt wonderful and returning to a warm home, better still.

Giving the planet a rest

The pandemic has certainly not been good for humanity, but it has been very good for the natural world. Skies that were a fretwork of contrails are now only blotted by cloud. Roads, once congested and hazardous to cross, are now blessedly quiet. And as our spending and consumption decreases, so does the impact we have on the planet. Of course, I’m not suggesting we go back to living in a yurt, but this period has shown that we do not have to destroy our natural home to live well.

Because despite the challenges, difficulties and even grief this pandemic has brought us, it has focused our attention on what really matters. It seems, the best things in life are free. These things: friendship, family, health and Nature all nourish us in ways that material things only gratify briefly. If we can remember this and carry forward what we have learned, 2021 should be a very good year indeed, no matter how long it takes to resolve the current health crisis.

I’d like to end with a beautiful poem my friend sent me. It may be a little optimistic, but one can dream…

And the people stayed home

And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.

And the people healed. And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.

And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed.

Kitty O’Meara