A Proper Thanksgiving

Last Saturday, we did what we seldom do, and had a Thanksgiving dinner. My husband is American and he felt that a celebration was in order. We have much, after all, to be thankful for. I invited my mum, my niece and her husband.

Jeff, Mariia and I laboured in the kitchen for much of the day, but by dividing the tasks and helping one another, it was more joy than chore. Mariia contributed some amazing Ukrainian dishes, Jeff tackled the nut roast and vegetables, and I made the puddings. Keeping everything vegan was a little challenging, but we made it. I even managed a perfectly edible pumpkin pie using silken tofu. Result!

**Thanksgiving dinner**
Image: Mariia Matrunich

Thanksgiving is such a delightful holiday in that it has all the hallmarks of Christmas : a meal with loved ones, special foods, the best china and none of the stress. Well, less stress anyway. It is also a reminder to be grateful.

The origins of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a peculiarly American celebration, because it honours a significant event in the history of that country. The early settlers, the Pilgrims, were ill-equipped to survive in this new land. They lost half their community in the first winter, with most of them remaining aboard ship and dying of scurvy, exposure or disease.

When they came ashore, they were met by an English speaking Indian who brought his friend, Squanto, a few days later. Squanto was vital to the new settlers. He also spoke English (having been enslaved by an English ship and later having escaped to London from where he found his way home). To the Pilgrims he brought knowledge of local plants – how to tap maple trees and grow crops suitable to American soil. In addition, he helped secure friendly relations with the local tribe: the Wampanoag.

**The First Thanksgiving at Plymouth Rock** Image: Jennie Augusta Brownscombe, 1914

With his and others help, the first harvest was successful and in order to thank them, the Pilgrims invited their new friends to a great feast lasting three days. And thus, Thanksgiving was born. (Source: History.com)

In truth, this famous thanksgiving was not original. For millennia, people have held celebrations at the end of harvest. What made this one iconic was Abraham Lincoln who declared Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday in November as a national holiday. The story of the early settlers was told and retold and became what we think of Thanksgiving today.

Giving thanks always

Ironically, the American Indians fared terribly following their selfless generosity. Forced migration, which took place over decades, resulted in the mass genocide of Native Indians. For those who have survived, Thanksgiving is not a day of celebration but of sorrow.

Nevertheless, many tribes maintain the spirit of thanksgiving in their ceremonies and in the teaching of their children throughout the year. At the Onondaga Nation school, the week is bookended by a long, structured Thanksgiving Address. The words may vary, but the essentials remain the same.

It begins: Today we have gathered and when we look upon the faces around us we see that the circles of life continue. We have been given the duty to live in balance and harmony with each other and all living things. So now let us bring our minds together as one as we give greetings and thanks to each other at People. Now our minds are one.

(Braiding Sweetgrass, Robin Wall Kimmerer)

A moment of silence is left for the children to agree.

The address then continues to give thanks for each and every aspect of creation from the clean air we breathe to the fish in the waters, the trees and healing herbs. It is long. But as Kimmerer says, why would you complain that you have so many things to be thankful for?

This beautiful video gives a little more information about the address.

And if you would like to know the whole transcript, it is available here: https://danceforallpeople.com/haudenosaunee-thanksgiving-address/

Bounty

The most positive outcome of the address is a sense of bounty. ‘You can’t listen to the Thanksgiving Address without feeling wealthy,’ says Kimmerer. It ‘reminds you that you already have everything you need.’

Thanksgiving need not be saved for a special holiday or in response to a bumper harvest. The natural world gives of itself every day and we are the beneficiaries. In return, we should give it thanks and our protection.

Such an outlook is a refreshing and chastening one for the Western world and our consumer society. People often talk of what they lack, but we seldom remember to celebrate all that we have.

Personal thanks

This year has certainly been an interesting one. On Thanksgiving proper, Mariia took the opportunity to thank us for giving her a home away from danger. My husband and I were touched, but we both feel that she has only added to our lives and not taken anything away.

And that’s the thing with gratitude. When we are truly thankful for what we have, life continues to enrich us. When we feel abundance, we are more inclined to share.

**Grateful to be all together – Giff, Nancy, Mum, me, Jeff and Mariia** Image: Giff Smith

Look Both Ways Before You Start the Year.

Most of us will find ourselves this month looking, like its namesake, Janus, both backwards and forwards. Television shows will highlight the successes and failures of the year; we shall ponder our own highs and lows and as we make resolutions or start filling our pristine diaries, planning or simply hoping for a better future.

2021 was definitely a strange year and the temptation is to see it as one of endless lock-downs, disasters and civil unrest. From a news point of view, it certainly was. From a personal vantage point, it was something else entirely.

Reasons to be thankful

Last year, having received an additional wall calendar, I decided to dedicate it as a gratitude diary. Each day, I would fill in one event or experience that brought me joy. With only a couple of exceptions, I managed to complete something for every entry. I took as my guide Alice Earle’s wise saying that: Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day.

**My gratitude diary**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Most of my entries were hardly newsworthy: a coffee with a friend, a trip to a nearby beauty spot, or an act of kindness. Yet, these are the stuff of life. Looking back over the year, I saw that it was filled with moments of joy amidst all the stress and restrictions. It was a good year.

Sustaining hope

For me, knowing that happiness can be found in the most challenging of circumstances gives me not only solace but hope. We need to feed our souls with a belief in the goodness of others and the possibility of positive outcomes, otherwise we will shrivel into despair. The world has never been just nor easy. The most cursory look at history tells us that. Yet it is still a wonderful place. Like Janus again, we can find balance by looking at it both ways and centre ourselves somewhere in the middle. By developing the practice of gratitude, we give ourselves the best defence against life’s ‘slings and arrows’.

This year, I received two wonderful calendars again and I knew exactly what to do with the second. And when this year ends, I shall look forward to reading its entries.

**Moominmamma would approve**
Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Looking forward

Two years ago, when I pondered what 2020 might bring, I did so with great optimism. By February, my diary was packed with planned visits from friends and family, a literary festival in Oxford and my own family’s reunion in the US. Of course, none of those things came to pass. This year, I am a little more circumspect.

And this is the problem with trying to guess the future. We often over-estimate how good or bad it is and forget to focus on the only time that actually counts, which is now.

**A cause for celebration** Image: Artturi Jalli on Unsplash

Perhaps we should be grateful to our current circumstances for reminding us of this. We literally cannot make plans only tentative goals. Whatever we schedule, we must be willing to change or rearrange or even cancel. This is hard. No-one wishes to be reminded of how slender a grasp one has on one’s life and those prone to be more controlling (as I confess I used to be) find this the hardest of all. We rant, we rage and some even throw tantrums – but it hardly changes anything.

But if we can embrace the current uncertainty as a metaphor for all of life, we can start to enjoy everything that it offers regardless of whether it meets our expectations or not. Of course, we need to make provisional plans for reunions and holidays, but we need not rely on them being fulfilled. There is a place for hope but not, I think, for expectation.

Exchanging expectation for hope

When we expect things to happen: our parcel to arrive the next day, our future vacation to be a success and our plans to go without a hitch, we are tempting fate. We are also likely to be sorely disappointed when things go awry, feeling somehow cheated of our ‘promised joy’.

If, however, we take the more humble approach of simply hoping for a good outcome, our disappointment is likely to be less keen and our ability to recover greater. Hope is a robust thing, as noted in Emily Dickinson’s wonderful poem: ‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers – (314)

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –

And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –

I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.

Hope is not demanding. It simply continues through times of promise and adversity and ‘never stops – at all -‘ whereas thwarted expectation often ends right there with its accompanying misery.

So, let us hope this new year brings us all that our hearts yearn for, but should it not fulfil our desires, let us remember, with gratitude, all that it has provided.

Discovering that Spark of Joy

Some years ago, I received a copy of Marie Kondo’s wonderful, The Life -Changing Magic of Tidying. This was perhaps a comment on my rather laissez-faire approach to housework and intended as a prompt to improve my habits. If it was, it worked. I dutifully set about reading and taking notes. What initially seemed a sweet book on tidiness soon transformed into a very wise reflection on our relationship with possessions.

To truly cherish the things that are important to you, you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose.
Marie Kondo The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up

The essence of her magic is this: to let go of anything that no longer brings you joy and value that which does. Simple? In theory. In practice, it was going to take a bit of work.

First steps

My book, I discovered, is already a decade old and my initial tidying efforts seriously lapsed. Prompted by my son’s lovely girlfriend to take a look at Kondo’s Netflix series, I was inspired to try again.

Not everything had been lost: my wardrobe is still arranged by colour and my clothing drawers essentially orderly – though I think a little refolding may be required. The genius of Kondo’s folding method is that items are stored vertically rather than laid on top of each other. She’s even provided a handy video to show you how.

Letting go

With my renewed determination to ‘Marie Kondo’ my house, I was first obliged to do the most difficult part: letting go of all the things that I no longer needed. This goes against the grain for most of us, since what we possess acquires value purely because it is ours. We are not designed for abundance. We are programmed for adversity. Except, in prosperous countries at least, this no longer applies. Whatever we want is only a click away.

Kondo helps us overcome this reluctance with a rather brilliant formula. Rather than asking do we want/need something, she advises that we ask if it sparks joy. There is no room for fudging. If the answer is no, we should dispose of it thoughtfully – to a charity shop or friend or if beyond hope to the recycling or dump. Whatever its fate, we should also remember to thank the item for its service. We let it go with love and hope that the joy it once brought us will pass to another.

The world will thank you

Kondo’s system is especially helpful for those wanting to make little adjustments to the impact they have on the planet. At the heart of her method is a sincere wish that we do not always crave more but value what we have. Here are a few of the tips I remember and am frantically trying to implement!

Go around the house and collect all the things that go together and store in the same place.
Check what you have before you purchase anything new.
Take time to investigate all the drawers and cupboards in your home. You might be surprised and delighted by what turns up! Kondo would advocate emptying your whole house to do this properly, but I’m just focusing on one drawer at a time.
If the object isn’t of any use to you, find someone who might enjoy it.

Gratitude

Being thankful for our possessions is key to the Kondo method and what, I think, sets it apart from all those house organisation guides. In her book, she talks about emptying her handbag completely each day and thanking each and every item that comes out of it. When I first read it, I laughed. Really? She has clearly not encountered the horrors of mine. But on reflection, I realised that what she was doing was placing gratitude at the heart of her life. When she looks at her bus pass, she thinks of how it has helped her traverse the city; when she takes out her coin purse, how it has enabled her to purchase little essentials.

**This is clearly not my handbag**! Image: Leisara on Unsplash

I am very far from being that wise, but I am trying to review my attitude to things as existing purely for my own convenience to seeing them for what they are: objects that significantly improve my life. Cicero viewed gratitude as the greatest of all virtues and this seems a good place to start developing it.

Zen and the art of tidying

In Japanese Buddhism, all things are considered sentient – including plants and inanimate objects. Thus, all objects are accorded the respect and value we, in the West, would/should accord living things.

If we can acknowledge that everything – animate and inanimate – is interconnected and interdependent, we can come closer to understanding this view.

And if we take that to showing respect for all the material elements in our lives, we will gain a much healthier relationship with our possessions.

Tidy house, tidy mind

Kondo’s first book claims that adopting her method will be ‘life-changing’. This is a bold claim and, as one who is only working towards achieving tidiness, I cannot say that my life has been transformed … yet. What I can say is that it has made my life significantly easier in the areas where I have managed to adopt her ideas. It has given me the gift of more time, since I spend less searching for stuff. It has given me a greater appreciation for those things that I own and equally of those I have given away. It has proven to be a perfect opportunity for mindfulness. Sorting out my ribbon box below was the ideal antidote to a stressful week.

**One has to start somewhere** Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

The result not only let me see exactly what I had, but I rather enjoyed the look of it too – my own miniature haberdashery.

My inroads into a tidy home have only just begun, but it is something that I plan to pursue further. Whenever I complete a sorting project, I get immense satisfaction and my relationship to the objects subtly changes too. If I have kept them, I recognise the joy they have sparked within me; if not, I am grateful that they once did.

For some, Kondo’s methods will literally transform lives in often unexpected ways; for me, I’m just grateful that I can find things.

Gratitude

Embarking on 2021, the nation convinced itself that this was going to be a year of hope and transformation. This year, all those problems of 2020 would be wiped away. This year, things were definitely going to get better. But world events heed no calendar. The amazing new vaccine was going to take a long time – several months – to deliver and meanwhile, cases were soaring. The much lauded defeat of Trump in November did not end there, but dribbled on with court case after court case and ended, spectacularly, with the storming of the Capitol. And if our spirits were not feeling sufficiently dampened, the rain and the cold saw to that.

And amongst all this, I knew that I had to cultivate gratitude, because without it, my mental and physical health would suffer. It was not going to be easy. As is often the way, the solution came from unexpected quarters. I received an adorable calendar as a Christmas gift just days after I’d purchased one for the kitchen and my son sent me an exquisite leather journal.

The gratitude calendar

The calendar I received was super cute and very personal. My friend knows I love Beatrix Potter, so it definitely was going on display in the dining room where I work. It seemed as shame, though, not to write anything on it. With a full page diary and a supplementary joint calendar, it was not going to be used for appointments. The question then remained as to how I would record each day. Then it came to me. This would be my gratitude calendar. I would write down one thing that I appreciated or brought me joy. In full lock-down, there was not going to be anything newsworthy, but it would remind me of how it is often the little things that count. And at the end of the year, when I took it down, I would see that 365 wonderful things had occurred in my life that I was thankful for.

Simple pleasures of the day, noted. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Examples of my entries include: homemade chocolate (my husband is proving a natural chocolatier); being brought a cup of tea in bed when I was especially tired; a walk in the winter sunshine and cuddles with the dog. Rather than searching for any good thing in my day, I often have to select one of many. And if you are struggling to find the benefits in life, I suggest that you start with your most basic needs and work up. In the West, we so take for granted our warm homes, clean water, and access to varied and delicious foods, that we forget what luxuries they are. As someone who does not take their existence for granted, I always begin and end the day with thanks for being here to enjoy it.

The gratitude journal

These last weeks have been a little stressful with health worries. Not wanting to spiral down the rabbit-hole of self-pity and despair, or obsess on how life hasn’t exactly gone to plan, I thought about all that I had experienced instead. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that even if I were to expire tomorrow (don’t worry, no chance of that!) I have lived a truly wonderful life.

The more I pondered, the more amazing stories tumbled out. Perhaps I should record them. After all, family stories are so easily lost and forgotten. Now that beautiful journal that had been placed on the shelf, because it seemed too good to write in, had a purpose commensurate with its loveliness. So I began writing. I’m aiming for an entry a day. Like Tristan Shandy, I suspect that my memories will exceed the paper and time available to write them. But what of it? Each day, I am reminded of good times and that raises my spirits. The journal will be there for me too when times are harder and will console me. They are a record too, of a life fully lived.

A record of a life. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Gratitude matters

Psychotherapist and author Amy Morin writes in ‘7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude’ (Psychology Today) how practising the act of thankfulness can bring significant benefits to our lives. Her own life was filled with tragedy, but this young woman has focused on the positive, resulting in her maintaining mental strength through adversity. Here’s a very condensed version of her article.

Thank you. However you say it, it will be appreciated. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Say thank you Most of us were raised by parents who were constantly reminding us to say thank you. Aside from fostering good manners, they were also teaching us a habit that would earn us friends and improve our social relationships.
Feeling grateful makes you feel better – literally. Positive, grateful people actually experience less pain and are more likely to engage in physical self-care, which, of course, also boosts well-being.
Gratitude is the key to happiness. Being grateful reduces negative emotions like envy, reduces depression and furthers happiness.
Thankful people are more empathetic. As a consequence, they respond more generously to others’ behaviours – even when they are unkind.
Gratitude improves sleep. Writing a gratitude journal, doing an A-Z of gratitude or simply thinking about something you are thankful for in the day puts you in the right frame of mind for deep and restful sleep.
Having a sense of gratitude makes you feel better about yourself. When comparing yourself with others, you do not feel envy but rather rejoice in their success.
Fostering gratitude helps us to become more mentally strong and resilient even when life is most challenging. Like now.

And if you need further inspiration, I suggest that you spend a few minutes watching this gorgeous video a friend forwarded to me.

A perfect, visual guide to gratitude

There are still things to make us smile. x

In Praise of the Ordinary

At one of my book group meetings, we were asked who we admired most – living or dead. What followed were the usual replies: Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King … Without doubt, all of these deserved our utmost respect for both their courage and compassion. But when it came to my turn, I said, ‘The church ladies’. A slightly uncomfortable pause followed. If I could have seen the thought bubbles around the room, they would have read: ‘Who? ‘What?’ ‘Why them?’

So I explained. While I admired all the other folks they mentioned, I especially admired the ones who never received any public recognition and very little reward. I wanted to recognise them.

When my children were tiny, I attended and later ran the Mums and Toddlers group in the church hall. It was open to everyone and provided a haven for me on Wednesday mornings. We were made hot cups of tea; the children were entertained and we had a chance to relax and chat with other mums. This was possible because of the ‘church ladies’ who came each week to brew and wash up, drag out toys and take the register.

A place to play : Image Markus Spiske on Unsplash

These kind souls performed innumerable other tasks throughout the week. As my children grew, they offered age related services from Sunday school to youth group. Though they taught Christian values, they never proselytised. They taught instead the invaluable lesson of gracious giving, a model of love through action.

And in these extraordinary times, I would like to thank those other, ordinary people who are often overlooked, though their contribution to our well-being is immense.

My first is the refuse collectors. While listening to the news one day recently, the presenter said that they were hoping to maintain regular collections. For a moment, I was panic struck. What if they didn’t? With these warm days, rubbish would soon begin to fester, vermin would multiply, further diseases would manifest themselves on top of the current virus.

Thank goodness for the refuse collectors! Image: Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

Only when faced with their loss did I fully appreciate their presence. Our health and well-being relied on this humble occupation. I asked my husband to put a wee note on the bins to say thank you. It seemed the least we could do.

My second group is also one which is almost universally overlooked, yet fundamental to the functioning of any town. These are the council workers – often overworked, certainly underpaid and generally the butt of jokes. Their roles are seldom glamorous and historically, they have not been seen as especially helpful. Like any office, there will be the ‘computer says no’ types, but the majority are doing their best with limited resources of both time and money.

Volunteering with the Citizens Advice has given me a much better insight into the insurmountable task these people are given. The Corona virus has intensified pressures, causing job losses in the town and increasing the need for public assistance. And it was through CitA that I discovered that the local Job Centre had processed a staggering 3,000 Universal Credit applications in record time. In their efforts to keep the wait for benefits as low as possible (it’s already five weeks after processing) they worked overtime and through the bank holiday. I doubt that their efforts will hit the headlines nor that the recipients would have any clue of the sacrifices made on their behalf, but I do, and so now do you.

A different way to shop: Image: Guiseppe Argenziano on Unsplash

And lastly, I want to thank everyone who is keeping us fed from the farmers to supermarket shop assistants – especially the shop assistants. While media inches were spent (quite rightly) on the dearth of PPE for medical staff, shop assistants were asked each and every day to encounter hundreds of customers with no protection at all. Though this has improved, I doubt it is perfect.

Since I am self-isolating, we shop online and our deliveries come at the most varied times – sometimes as late as ten in the evening. We always make sure to thank the drivers, who are invariably cheery and polite, despite it being the end of a long day.

So my request to you is this. When standing outside on Thursday evening applauding the valiant efforts of the NHS, I ask you to clap for all the others who quietly go about their tasks and whose commitment and diligence make such a contribution to our lives.

Whenever possible, by a note or a friendly wave, thank those who help us. Feeling valued goes a long way to alleviating the stress and difficulty of any job.

And lastly, when the crisis is over, let us all champion those who have served us in these difficult times. These ordinary people are the foundations of our society just as the church ladies were the foundation of the church. We can take their efforts for granted or we can truly applaud them by making sure they are recompensed with fair pay and decent working conditions. We depend on them; let’s make sure that they can depend on us.

The A-Z of Gratitude

As this is Thanksgiving weekend, I thought that an A-Z of gratitude would be in order. In the US, Thanksgiving is a time of reunions, excessive eating and American football, but here we can simply focus on the important bit.

Thanksgiving arrangement Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Giving thanks – even when it feels like there is little to be thankful for.

I know that when life is really hard, it is difficult to find a way to show gratitude. Worse still is when people tell you to be grateful. The, ‘It could be worse…’ conversation that then goes on to recount some truly tragic experience someone is going through, does not help anyone. Those stories are often sad and there is no harm in showing empathy, but they are not our stories – and even more unlikely to be the speaker’s.

Recently, after my daughter-in-law told me about her father’s truly desperate childhood, I said that I felt bad complaining about my situation. She laughed and said, very wisely, that there are always those worse off and that in no way diminishes the difficulties I have had to face. She is definitely on my gratitude list.

After my big relapse and diagnosis, I confess I struggled to find much to be thankful for: the losses seemed too great and too irredeemable. The kindness of hospital staff, friends and my husband kept me from despair and I realised that contrary to current social tendencies to moan about what we lack, I would start from the ground up and be grateful for whatever I had. My experiences with cancer have only reinforced this. There is nothing like having to come to terms with the possibility of premature death to make you happy to draw breath each morning.

So, starting from the basis of, I am alive, I worked with that. I am alive and have all my limbs – even if some are not cooperating; I am alive and have an amazing body that breathes and pumps blood and repairs itself without my even noticing. Jon Kabat-Zinn pointed out rather brilliantly that if you are alive, there is more right with you than wrong. I think that Nina Simone expresses this perfectly in her song ‘Ain’t Got No, I Got Life’. There is much that she doesn’t have, but what she does is the miraculous part. If I had an anthem for those first frightening weeks it was this. I’ll share the final verse.

I got my arms, got my hands / Got my fingers, got my legs
Got my feet, got my toes/ Got my liver/ Got my blood
I’ve got life/ I’ve got my freedom/ Ohhh/ I’ve got life!
Nina Simone, ‘Ain’t Got No, I Got Life’

A-Z of Gratitude

My husband came across this while listening to a podcast and passed it on to me. I later discovered that it is a popular activity at Thanksgiving where you go around the table and think of something to be thankful for beginning with the assigned letter. This is a game that I recommend everyone play.

For me, I like to practice this before I go to sleep (it is wonderfully soporific!) Here’s the first few letters of my A-Z:

A – the apple tree in the garden that maps the seasons
B – Baby Sofia – my granddaughter
C – choir – my happy place
D – The duvet. What is more delightful than the warm hug of a duvet on a winter night?

I continue on through the alphabet until I drop off to sleep with a little smile playing on my lips. On bad nights, I may do two or even three rounds of the alphabet thinking of different things each time. What better way to fall into oblivion than with the realisation that you have 26 (52? 84?) things to be grateful for!

In addition to being an aid to insomnia, there are significant mental health benefits too. Studies have shown that deliberately noting those things we should be grateful for will make life better. According to Psychology Today, ‘Expressing gratitude even when nothing especially gratefulness-triggering is going on can increase your well-being and help regulate stress,’ Andrea Brandt.

Pass it on

Once we get into the habit of feeling gratitude, we can expand the experience to thanking others for their contribution to our happiness. A short thank you note sincerely written, a card or an email, can bring a disproportionate amount of delight to the recipient. Whilst it is true that misery, like a cold, is contagious, so too is the reverse. Those who genuinely feel grateful for whatever blessings they have tend to bring the same attitude to others. A smile evokes a smile; joy sparks joy.

And don’t be afraid to fake it. Bizarrely, smiling from pleasure or smiling because you force your mouth into that position is interpreted the same way by the brain and provides the same positive outcomes. So break out that grin!

Fake it till you make it! Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

There is no doubt that Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday, but it seems foolish to give thanks only once a year. By making this a daily habit, you will make your world a place for which you have a deep and abiding sense of gratitude. And as a bonus, you will help others feel the same way too.