social media

The Thief of Time

Popular wisdom has it that procrastination is the thief of time, but I would demur. That title, I believe, goes to the mobile phone or more specifically, those platforms that give us ‘free’ services to contact friends and entertain ourselves.

This thought is not especially new. Yet, it was brought forcefully to my attention when one day last week (which was admittedly my birthday), I’d managed to spend three hours on my device, most notably on WhatsApp. As someone who rarely knows the location of my phone and who has all notifications turned off, I was horrified. I don’t remember being on my phone that much. In fact, if asked, I’d have said I was only on it for a little while to reply to the lovely greetings. And that was the most disturbing part. It was an invisible thief who had stolen these precious hours from me.

**So many distractions** Image: Dugba Cauley- Hushie on Unsplash

Time lost

It was embarking on The Artist’s Way (https://whenlifegivesyoulemons.blog/treading-a-new-path/) that highlighted how little time I have to spare. Now, I need to find an extra 40-60 minutes for writing each morning, plus a weekly two hours for my artist’s date. I ran through my day and found very few minutes unaccounted for. Unwilling to ditch my students or my work for Citizens Advice, or attempts at learning Ukrainian, I was struggling to see where this time could be ‘found’. Then I randomly looked at my screen time. Result. That was where those lost hours were lurking.

You may like to look on settings to see your screen times. Are they more or less than you expected?

**Does time take us or do we take time?** Image: Nick Fewings on Unsplash

My goal is to reduce my screen time to around 30 minutes per day, allowing for longer times when there are special occasions like birthdays or celebrations. Since the average use of an adult in the UK is around two hours, and in the US up to twice that, this seemed like a reasonable compromise between remaining social and remaining sane.

Time regained

Phones, and the many platforms we use on them, were created with the specific intention of getting us on-line and staying there; enabling the ‘free’ service to mine our data or sell us goods. Designed with the same ingenuity as a casino, they quickly turn us into dopamine addicts, waiting for the next notification, ‘like’ or challenge. For a full and fascinating discussion of this subject, I urge you to read this excellent article from Harvard: https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2018/dopamine-smartphones

**Do I have your attention?** Image: Krzystof-Hepner on Unsplash

So what can we do to foil such ingenuity? Here are some tricks we can employ to place our phones back in their proper role: as a wonderful device which connects us to friends and the wider world but that doesn’t annex our life.

Remove all your apps. Yes, Wordle is great fun, but it leads to Quardle and then to posting your scores on Facebook or comparing with contacts on WhatsApp. What starts out as a entertaining five minute time filler, ends up a daily obsession. As for anything like Candy Crush and other games, I think you know where they lead.
Consider whether your message is a call for approval or an exchange of information. So often when we post, we are actually hoping for an ego boost. How many people reply? How many likes do we receive? Are people showing sufficient interest/awe/envy at our or our family’s achievements? This kind of communication ultimately benefits none – least of all the writer, who may not get the verification they crave and in place of joy, feel deflation. Instead, enjoy the natural boost we all receive from connecting with others in a mutually respectful and friendly way.
Is a text the right way to express this? Few of us enjoy long texts and fewer read them carefully, so if you have something important to say, deliver it via email or even better by letter.
Misunderstandings Predictive text often leads to hilarious comments, but texts in their brevity also invite misunderstandings. I try not to convey anything of importance this way-not least because I often forget to hit send.
Telephone times The best way for me to restrict the siren call of my phone is to establish clear times that I will look at it. I’ve decided on first thing in the morning, lunch and after dinner. No-one is likely to feel neglected with such a small interval and I can reply in one session rather than dozens of distracting ones.
Make the phone less attractive Like those slot machines in Las Vegas which vie for your attention with flashing lights and garish colours, mobiles too are designed to lure your eye. There are two ways to resolve this: dim the screen and change to grayscale. The latter is quite tricky to work out, so I’ve linked this handy guide to show you how to do it. https://www.wired.com/story/grayscale-ios-android-smartphone-addiction/#:~:text=If%20you’re%20using%20an,appears%20as%20the%20top%20option.

**A quiet time to read** Image: Heber Galindo on Unsplash

Time is on your side

What I am hoping is that by reducing my screen time, I shall be opening opportunities for creativity and valuable nurturing time. I’m not there yet. This week’s average is 51 minutes per day, but it’s progress.

Even if we only shave an hour a day off our usage, that would give us an extra seven hours a week. That’s enough time to read a novel; spend an hour on creative activities; make a delicious evening meal each day or do whatever it is we would like to do but never find the time for. We are unlikely to ever regret not spending enough time on social media, but I think it very likely that we may regret not spending enough on fulfilling our desires.

Storm Clouds Gathering-1

Sometimes it feels as if the very air is crackling with static electricity bred from the endless stream of negative news. We are on the brink of a storm of epic proportions: a lethal pandemic, a messy exit from the EU, an upcoming American presidential election filled with rancour and hate. There are many who claim that it is a sort of end times, but I would disagree. These are difficult times, certainly; however, they are not something we cannot manage and if we are wise, redirect from the cliff-edge of catastrophe.

Brooding clouds over Beachy Head Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

This post will look at the social element of all of this and part two will deal with the practical. It will not be political, but it will, I hope, encourage each of us to consider how we can work towards the common good.

Shock! Horror!

The most depressing thing that I ever learned, from someone who worked in the industry, was that newspapers are not about delivering news, but about gaining advertising revenue. It took me a while to filter the information, but of course, he was right. Newspapers are businesses and their income does not come from the very small contribution of the cover price, but from the adverts on the pages.

Understanding this helps us realise why newspapers often exaggerate or focus on inflammatory information. The old adage, ‘If it bleeds, it leads,’ exemplifies this. A story of a gruesome murder, a riot or a political scandal interests far more readers than the even the most noble act.

Headline news. Image: Rishabh Sharma on Unsplash

Most social media platforms would argue that their purpose is to connect. And generally, this is true. I would be lost without email, WhatsApp and Skype. They provide the most amazing opportunity to keep in touch with those far away or those close, but who I can’t see due to isolation. Used well, they bring us together as few other things do. However, recently, the same platforms have been used to spread hate, to condemn individuals and stifle free speech. This is in part because the way these platforms are designed. Their algorithms are set to send viewers to ever more extreme material. Most worrying is the fact that for many younger people, this is their source of news.

It seems that like driving in the car, the anonymity these platforms bring encourages the worst behaviours. There are no filters and no fact checkers, so you can say whatever you wish. Contradict someone and expect to be unfriended; make an ‘inappropriate’ remark and expect to be pilloried. I am fortunate in that the vast majority of what I read is a joyful sharing of life’s experiences, but I am surprised and saddened by those posts that wish to incite anger or which simply assume that you agree.

Poison pens

If we believe in the power of the written word, as I do, I feel we should take great care about what we read. Consuming a diet of angry diatribes is like taking a sip of poison each morning with our cup of tea.

If you find your blood pressure rising with each article or post or tweet you read, perhaps consider weening yourself from that source. I would not recommend removing yourself entirely from the virtual or print world. There are still plenty of sources of balanced and informed reporting to choose from – though you may have to search a little harder. I would also encourage, wherever possible, to go to the source. On any aspect of government, the GOV.UK site will inform you without any editorialising or bias at all. They will simply give you the current government policy. What you make of it, is up to you.

Danger! These words may poison your mind. Image: Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

Friend or foe?

Lastly, I think we need to be a little selective about who we spend time with. There are friends who lift us up and friends who bring us down. There are friends who seek healing and those who seek division. I love the words in Max Ehrmann’s ‘Desiderata’, where he says, ‘Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.’ We all know those who fall into this category and we probably love them all the same. What I am suggesting is simply that we are aware of the effects they have upon us and if necessary, to keep that to acceptable limits.

Yet, what concerns me most about all the inflammatory talk is that it so often misses the real issue. In its intoxicating and alluring demands on our emotions, we somehow feel that talking about it brings a result. Of course, it does nothing of the sort – except perhaps raising rage.

Changing the narrative

If we want to see improvements in whatever sector of society that we feels needs it, we need to embark upon a course of action. This first means looking at our own lives and considering to what extent our behaviours further or hinder our cause.

Gandhi puts this beautifully when he says:

We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.
Mahatma Gandhi, 1913

Taking it further

The next step is even harder. If we hope to make real change, to alter policy or people’s beliefs and behaviours, we will need to dedicate a great deal of time and effort. Liking something on Facebook or even joining a protest has limited impact. (One million people marched in opposition to the war in Iraq and the Government blithely ignored it.)

Instead we need to research, plan and campaign. And this takes time – weeks or months or even years. We will need to talk to people of all persuasions including those whose positions seem to be in direct opposition to our own. And here’s the interesting bit. People do not always behave in ways we would expect. Our Tory MP was the one who helped secure a Marine Conservation zone around Beachy Head. The local temporary accommodation provider was instrumental in improving their provision and in working to help those finding themselves homeless – even though it would involve higher costs and effort on their part.

It is so much easier to brand individuals and organisations than to engage with them. If we really want long-term, successful solutions to the world’s many problems, we need to open our ears and our hearts to the views of others. Only through understanding their objections and concerns will we have any hope of discovering a solution.

The Quakers have a saying: ‘Look for that of God/good in every person’, because if you do, you’ll usually find it.

What’s the use of worrying?

This is a question I often ask myself (whilst worrying away) and thought I would go ahead and explore it here. Living with precarious health brings constant anxiety. The Corona virus and world craziness is adding more still. I suspect that most of us are worried at the moment – and now seemed a good time to see if it had any real purpose.

Everyday worry is often harmless enough, but we all need to guard against it becoming a major facet of our lives. Unchecked, it results in debilitating mental and physical health. Worry is so normal that we think we know it, yet, I would argue that it is more complex than we imagine.

Magical thinking

Worry, at its heart, is fear about unfortunate outcomes in the future. It is about losing control, since no-one knows the future.

Mark Twain famously remarked:

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain

The irony is, as Twain jokes, most of those dreaded outcomes never actually come into being and our worry brings us nothing but sleepless nights.

However, this phenomenon can feed into a kind of magical thinking. We can, if we are not careful, come to associate the not happening as a result of our worry. Sounds crazy, but it has a sort of insane logic. If, the brain faultily reasons, I worried about something and it didn’t happen then my worrying prevented it. Should I stop worrying and something bad happens, this confirms my belief. Parents are perhaps the worst offenders in this (mea culpa). We come to believe that our very worrying is what keeps our child safe, so we keep on worrying to the detriment of our health and perhaps theirs.

I hold you in my thoughts and keep you safe. Image: Steven Van Loy on Unsplash

Virtue signalling

Perhaps the most pernicious sort of worrying is the one used to suggest that you care. How often do we hear people say they are ‘so worried’ about x,y, or z and yet we see nothing in their behaviour to suggest that their worry would translate into any action. How often do we see celebrities who ‘worry’ about the environment and then travel by private jet to a climate change conference?

The unfortunate irony is that they probably do worry and thus use valuable mental and physical energy on the matter. But worry without action is detrimental to everyone. We may gain a little kudos from our peers for our seeming concern, but the issue is not resolved and at some level we feel ashamed of our own inability to act. Our worry brings no positive outcomes at all.

However, if we worry about something and act upon it, our worry lessons. The issue may well be far beyond our capabilities to solve, but any steps we take to ameliorate it inevitably brings us back a sense of control and self-worth. No individual can save the planet; however, if we make a conscious decision to tread as lightly as we can, we will feel empowered by that. Similarly, if a friend is unwell/unhappy and we visit, our worry is dissipated by the joy of reunion. We may not be able to make our friend better in the physical sense, but we will certainly have made them feel better emotionally.

We can make each other feel better! Image: Photo by NONRESIDENT on Unsplash

The price of worry

Worry is the socially acceptable form of anxiety, but we can tip from one to the other with surprising ease. The mind is like a cooking pot filled with everyday concerns, but it only has so much capacity. As we burden it with more and more, it is like both filling the pot and turning up the heat. Eventually, it will boil over.

For some, like returning soldiers from a war zone, the source of their stress will be obvious. But severe anxiety affects even those with the most comfortable lives. By catastrophizing over minor and fairly insignificant events, a similar level of anxiety can be achieved.

Whatever the cause, the effects of anxiety are extreme. In some cases, it will trigger long term health conditions like my own; in others, it will lead to levels of distress that makes life mentally unbearable. Hopefully, neither of these apply to you, but we are wise to work towards ensuring that they never do.

Keeping worry under control

Worry is about helplessness in the face of the future. Though we can’t do much about the future, we can do much to improve our present. We can embark on practices that work towards restoring calm: whether that be meditation, prayer, yoga or any other centring activity. Ideally, we need to do this daily, since worry takes so little time to take hold.

We might like to take stock of what triggers our anxiety. Anything that feeds on our fears and insecurities is not good for us and should, as far as possible, be eliminated. Currently, the media seems determined to whip their audience into a frenzy of outrage. And though this brings a certain frisson of excitement, it also destabilizes us. Acts of extreme injustice, inflammatory language and exaggeration may make good television, but not happy watchers. I’m going on a news fast for the foreseeable future. Anything truly vital will filter through via my husband or friends – the rest I can do without.

Overwhelmed by the news. Image: Photo by Bruno Bučar on Unsplash

Social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter can also be a source of worry with people posting inflammatory comments and others thoughtlessly replying. If we submerge ourselves too much in these, we are likely to have a very poor and very frightening view of the world.

And it is not just in the virtual world that we are susceptible. Our friends and family members can also feed our worry. Though I would not advocate cutting these people out of our lives, a little judicious use of social distancing might be in order. We can come armed with interesting topics of conversation to avoid being derailed into their current concerns or simply change the subject when the conversation starts spiralling down a rabbit hole. If this does not work, try to only see them when you feel you can face that level of anxiety. You are not obliged to act as a sponge to their fears – it is unlikely to help them and you even less.

Choosing the right response

Though we have precious little control over the lives of others, and little enough over our own, we do have control over how we respond. Nurturing resilience – or inner strength – will enable us to react calmly even in chaos. By practising disciplines which slow our responses and allow space for measured and thoughtful action will benefit us and our community.

Accepting our limitations is another way to reduce worry. We need to make ourselves comfortable resting within uncertainty (life). We need to let go of the illusion that we are in control. In doing so, paradoxically, we gain control – not of events (though it may influence these) but of our emotions.

And finally, we would be wise to consider what we can do and if possible do it. For this we need time to research and reflect. Often the problems we see are rooted somewhere else entirely. Let us seek out the root and make repairs there. There is so much we can do quietly and purposefully.

Whilst concern will spur us on, worry often leaves us rowing in circles. It is time to charter a new course. After all, to answer the question, What’s the use of worrying? I’d have to reply, no use at all.