karencostellomcfeat

Arts and Crafts

“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
William Morris

William Morris has never really gone out of style and I believe that he still has much to teach us about living a life that is both aesthetically and practically pleasing. He was at the forefront of a movement to bring craftsmanship back into a world where mass production was the norm. And this was the nineteenth century! Although his main focus was textiles, his ideology spilled over into other mediums and continues to this day.

His philosophy was simply this: whenever possible, buy or make objects that serve a purpose and bring joy to the viewer. We are blessed with thousands of artisans in this country – and they need our support. In a world of built-in obsolescence and fast fashion, we can gain a great deal from the slow world of the hand-made. Recently, I used a bequest from my late father to buy a hand-made quilt. It is the best memorial. It keeps me cosy at night and cheers me every morning when I look at the intricate design.

My spring quilt by Louise Bell Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Choices, choices

Of course, not many of us will have the time or skill to make something as exquisite as the quilt above. However, we can all make our lives a little more beautiful by investing in making practical objects for our homes or for our friends.

For me, choosing a medium is the hardest thing. There are so many wonderful arts and crafts to choose from. I confess to dabbling in quite a few, but I suspect that paper is my true calling. Origami, card making, paper cut, art journaling and calligraphy are all paper based and an endless form of entertainment. They are also very cheap. If you mess up an origami shape – you only waste a square of paper – and I have wasted dozens.

Recently, I have been blessed with the friendship and guidance of a professional calligrapher, Mary Shemza. If ever there were an exercise in patience, it was this. But pen, ink, paper and letters are what I live for, so this is clearly the medium for me.

Practice makes perfect(ish) Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

And this is how it’s really done:

Where art, calligraphy and poetry meet Image: Mary Shemza

I think that I have mentioned my craft group before, and what a talented bunch they are, with their skills encompassing: painting, pottery, needlework, quilting, paper crafts and knitting. And I’d like to honour them here with a sample of their work.

We are all amateurs, but I hope they will inspire you to take on one of these arts/crafts. An MA in Fine Arts is not a requirement for a fulfilling artistic life.

Painting

Each week, Jane C dazzles us with the latest work on her painting. It is fascinating to watch how a painting progresses and encouraging too. This is not a one off flash of brilliance, but a steady layering of skill until the final version is ready to be admired.

To stretch her already considerable talents further, Jane attends a weekly art class (now being conducted on-line) and I would encourage anyone attempting to take up any new skill to take advantage of tutoring/lessons. It is often tempting to think that we don’t need guidance in such matters and there certainly are many excellent self-taught artists out there. However, I don’t believe in making life more difficult than necessary. I’m very happy to learn from another’s mistakes and take advantage of their knowledge. I don’t have time for five or six years’ study at art school – so I’ll thank and learn from those who have!

Pottery

Another friend, Penny, has caught the pottery bug. She attends lessons at an arts collective in the town. Like many of the arts, pottery does not come cheap; however, by accessing materials and a kiln at nominal cost, she is able to pursue a hobby that might otherwise be prohibitively expensive. Having the advice of skilled potters to hand has also led to very high calibre work.

One of the advantages of this art is that it fulfils the requirement of being both useful and beautiful. I use her delightful cake plate regularly. William Morris would be proud.

The same applies to my other two friends who are brilliant needle-workers. Through their expertise with needle and thread they are able to transform the most simple of things – fabric – into beautiful and useful items. Jane B is the queen of quilts (and helped me make mine for my grand-daughter) and Jenny is the empress of embroidery.

Simple pillow cases are transformed by beautiful stitches Photo: Jenny Timberlake

A handmade quilt is a source of visual delight and comfort on a cold evening Photo: Jane Belcher

Each often uses their skill to make gifts for loved-ones and friends. And these gifts are far more precious than any store bought ones. So our hobby becomes an act of love, imbuing the object not simply with their unique qualities, but affection too.

Over the years, I have received a number of hand-made gifts that I cherish to this day. Some of the kindness, like the hours my friend Joanne must have spent making me a quilt after my MS diagnosis, is more than I can repay. Except in gratitude.

A square of Joanne Godden’s quilt Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

And living beautifully is all about this – being grateful for the abilities we have and sharing the results . We do not need to be a member of a craft guild to qualify, we simply need to participate.

So, in these weeks and perhaps months ahead when life is so uncertain and isolated, I urge you to reconnect with a hobby you enjoy or perhaps find a new one. When life gives you lemons … create.

Top Notes – Making Music

Music certainly plays a large part in living beautifully. So much so that it requires its own post. Having suffered from an extremely irritating infection (not Corona – just a bog standard cold), I found that my vocal range didn’t extend much above middle C. This was somewhat problematic, as I’m a soprano!

Imagine my joy, therefore, when I found my voice had recovered sufficiently to sing. Imagine my despondency, though, after finding my voice, I lost my choir! Like all group enterprises, it has been forced to stop while the Corona virus stalks the nation. It will reconvene when it is deemed safe to do so, but that could be months away.

Fortunately, there is a solution. A few years ago, my choir mistress designed an App that allows you to sing as if you were at an actual choir session. This is a tool that I have often used to help me learn my part, but now it does much more than that.

With my little App, I can learn the lyrics, separate out the sopranos from altos, tenor and bass or bring them in to give me a sense of everyone being there. If I’m feeling brave, I can even record myself.

As things stand, this was clearly very prescient of Jane. So if you fancy singing in a choir but are unable to attend, this is perhaps the next best thing!

Sing Along – with YouTube!

When I’m on my exercise bike, I often use YouTube to find music to keep my spirits up. Occasionally, I would notice that the lyrics were included on the video and I’d try to sing along. (This does give away how weedy I am, as one should never be able to sing whilst exercising. But I’m just trying to keep my parts moving!)

The upside of this discovery was that I realised all I needed to do was key in the name of the song and add plus lyrics to give me an interactive experience. Now there is no excuse for only remembering the chorus.

Join a virtual choir

If you want to go one step further, you may want to check out Gareth Malone’s virtual choir. https://www.classicfm.com/artists/gareth-malone/choirmaster-gareth-malone-home-chorus-coronavirus/

I’m not sure if there are any places left in it, but I’m sure the results will be informative and entertaining as always.

Make a joyful noise

Since most of us have considerably more time than we are used to having, now might be the time to get the guitar out of the attic, wipe off the dust and start strumming.

I have played the piano intermittently since I was eight, but the pleasure I gain from the activity never wanes. And the joy of music is that you can share it. Only a total philistine would fail to be delighted by a delicate piano piece in the evening and if classical music is not your thing, it is not difficult to master a few chords on the guitar. With these, you can invite the family to sing along to their favourite rock or folk tunes. Even the humble recorder can make a truly lovely sound.

A word of caution though. Only the saintly (or your mother) will wish to listen to your practice, so if you are thinking of buying or returning to play an instrument, I’d recommend an electronic one you can play with head phones or commandeering a spare room. There are few things more demoralising to a budding musician than being asked to stop playing a piece again.

My piano, which never fails to bring me joy Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Listen

We are not always in a position where we can sing or play, but we are usually in a position to hear. And what we listen to will bring different benefits. I’ve outlined the key forms here.

Classical music

Classical music is often seen as a ‘high brow’ option, but if we remember that opera – the most elitist of all musical forms – was originally a sort of soap opera with music for the masses, we should not be intimidated.

In addition to being, well, exquisite, classical music can be seriously good for us. The benefits to cognitive function, are, I believe well-known, but I was surprised to learn that it can also combat pain and depression as well as lowering blood pressure and aiding sleep. A dose of Classic FM a day may well keep the doctor away and make us more creative and productive in the process.

Pop and Rock

Whilst most of the benefits from music accrue from learning an instrument or listening to classical music, its popular cousin has its advantages also. The main one appears in fitness training: it should make you run faster (though I am hardly in a position to verify this). I certainly does make the time pass happily and aids in my motivation whilst on my exercise bike, though.

Whilst there is no evidence to suggest it will make you smarter, it can certainly make you happier. A good blast of a pop anthem is pretty much guaranteed raise as smile and listening to music when driving helps relieve boredom and even road rage. It can assuage anxiety too by providing a distraction from the stress of negotiating busy roads or apprehension concerning an upcoming meeting or appointment.

But if you really want to relax, then meditation music is designed for you.

Mood and meditation music

A moment of calm Image: Photo by Deniz Altindas on Unsplash

Music and spiritual practice are as co-joined as Siamese twins. The use of music in religious ceremonies is as old as time itself. The music may vary, but the intention is the same: to link the human with the divine.

When we listen to or sing certain forms of music our brain frequencies tune in and begin to mimic them, which is why listening to gentle mood music is so calming.

Meditation music helps an individual focus and become relaxed and mellow.
Zliving.com

Meditation music has all the benefits one would expect from a restful and gentle sound: reducing stress, heart rate, anxiety and even muscular pain (by relaxing the muscles). It can also help with those suffering from tinnitus by providing a background noise that quietens the ringing in the ears. And if you want a good night’s sleep – listen to meditation music for forty-five minutes before you go to bed and enjoy an adult version of the lullaby.

Whatever form of music you enjoy – singing, playing or listening – it is sure to add a beautiful note to your life. As for me, I’m keeping my spirits up by practising the wonderful Andrews Sisters’ song, ‘Accentuate the positive’. Here’s the first verse:

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with mister in-between

Definitely the song of the season.

Live Beautifully

In these crazy days, as the Corona virus locks us indoors, I thought it might be timely to do a post on something positive: living beautifully. When our lives are filled with activities and deadlines, it is sometimes difficult to make space for the finer things. Yet, these are what make life worth while. They do not require an immense amount of time, money or effort, but if we try to incorporate living beautifully into all that we do, I believe our lives can be transformed.

I have been inspired by friends who always made an extra effort to make a simple coffee date into an afternoon retreat. By taking time to lay a tea tray with pretty cups and linens, they immediately graced the moment with care and friendship. They may have added homemade goodies, flowers or prettily arranged food. Nothing was showy or intimidating (this is not the objective), but they were clearly acts of love.

We do not have to spend a fortune on a gift to show we care. Whatever we can afford, it can be made more precious by a piece of ribbon or pretty paper. So what of life? This is surely the best gift and deserves the prettiest bows, the most gorgeous paper!

My daily reminder on my black board. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Time is on my side

For once, time is definitely on my side. As I fall into the ‘at risk’ group, I now have twelve weeks (or 84 days!) of zero social commitments! On the one hand, this is a pretty horrible prospect – I’m already missing my friends – but on the other, I have the good fortune of my husband sharing it with me and a number of ideas of what I can do in this huge expanse of time.

Having time to think is always a luxury and one we do not afford ourselves often enough. Now is a perfect opportunity to reevaluate our lives and perhaps consider ways that we could make our lives a little better. I’m going to start with all the things that make me smile and bring joy (Marie Kondo’s decluttering advice is more than just about tidying the house).

You might like to do a mind map too of what brings you joy and make this an interactive experience!

Here’s my list in no particular order: friends and family, flowers, food, books, music, writing, letters, art, exercise and work. So how can they make life beautiful?

Friends and family

Since I am currently isolated, this is definitely the hardest one! However, a judicious use of social media means that we can keep in touch via any number of platforms. Regular video contact with the kids keeps me sane and talking on the phone is always a pleasure. Seeing and hearing others allows us to avoid the many pitfalls that can arise from the misreading of a text.

Another way we can write thoughtfully is through letters. It may be a lost art and postal rates increases do not help, but there are few activities more enjoyable than penning and receiving letters.

To make it ‘beautiful’ I invest in gorgeous stationery. I usually use a fountain pen so that my writing is as attractive as possible and also as meaningful. If you slow the rate at which you write, you are more likely to express your thoughts as you intended.

Modern life means that we often live at a distance from friends and relations, but letters and cards, more than anything else bridge that void. I have a wonderful friend in Yorkshire who is a keen letter writer and despite being separated from the age of ten, we still keep in touch regularly. On the rare occasions when we are able to meet up, we start our conversations as if they had only broken off a day or so ago. The same applies to distant friends who email with the same care as a letter. And some of them have discovered beautiful email stationary, thus merging the beauty of letters with the convenience of modern communication.

Receiving and writing letters is always a joy Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Words

While we are on the topic of words; books are a ‘go to’ for making life beautiful for me! They have the power to thrill, uplift, entertain and inform us. If we make time to read, we are making time for ourselves to tune out of the everyday world and tune in to our imaginations. I believe we are both refreshed and healed by the experience.

Enjoy the sunshine

This has been in rather short supply this year and its rarity makes it all the more precious. In the narrow window of sun we had today, I determined to head outside and do a little gardening. Though I only managed about half an hour, the smell of the earth and the sun warming my bones made me feel wonderful. Excavating the lilac trees from a carpet of ivy was also very satisfying and and my garden is a little more beautiful as a result.

While there, I also took my secateurs to cut some spring flowers for the house. I didn’t take too many, but they made a sweet little bouquet, which will certainly cheer my kitchen.

Even the smallest bouquet, inexpertly arranged, will raise a smile. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Food art

Despite the fashion in very expensive restaurants to make their minute portions of food look like a modernist painting, flourishes don’t have to be grand to make food appetising. Here are some of my very simple ideas to make food a visual as well as a gastronomic joy!

Add seed sprinkles and herbs to dishes like soup for extra pazzaz.
Invest in nice china – charity and second hand shops have an abundance at very low cost.
If having a modest sandwich, add pickles and fresh veg sticks for colour and texture.
Eat at the table and if you are feeling fancy – add napkins and flowers. For a special occasion, hunt out the table cloths.
Add sliced lemon (and possibly ice) to drinks. It always makes it feel more of a treat.
The list is really endless, but making mealtimes a ritual that has meaning will make it so much more than a refuelling stop.

Be beautiful!

I’m going to finish with one that seems a little obvious but is often over-shadowed by unrealistic expectations. If we hope to feel good about ourselves, it is important to invest in ourselves. Appearance matters -as much to us as those that see us.

When we are home with no visitors, the temptation is to lounge about in our pyjamas and slippers, but I think this would soon eat away at our self-esteem. Even when working from home, most experts advise dressing for the office in order to get your head in the right mindset. I would not suggest you do that, but why not take care to select a nice outfit, do your hair and make-up and (this took me a while to get right) add some matching jewellery?

Shallow though it sounds, when you look good, you feel good. Self-care is not selfish, nor is living beautifully (when done with the right intention) showing off. When we live beautifully, we are expressing that we value all of life’s gifts and appreciation and gratitude, as we know, are always good for the soul.

The Reading Cure

As anyone who knows me knows, I am a total bookaholic (or bibliophile to give its proper name). I adore books and read all the time. I am fairly indiscriminate: if it is in print, that will do. Packaging blurb, newspaper articles, novels and texts are all grist to my reading mill. And I require a constant and varied supply. Should I be denied anything to read for more than a few hours, I become as cranky as a toddler before nap time.

What am I reading at the moment? The Body by Bill Bryson (an introduction to human biology); the novel, Whistle in the Dark by Emma Healey and Shakespeare’s sonnets. Strictly speaking, I am not reading the Bryson book, my husband is reading it to me and more on that anon. Fortunately, unlike most addictions, reading is a very inexpensive one. Even an exquisite hard- back that offers hours of entertainment is unlikely to cost much more than £20. More often than not, my reading matter is free or cheap – borrowed from a friend or bought at the charity shop.

Life holds few greater pleasures than a cup of tea and a good book Image: Photo by My Life Journal on Unsplash

And if the joy of entering an imaginative world were not sufficient, it seems that books have yet another gift: they can make you well.

Books as medicine

Freud had the talking cure; bibliotherapists have the reading one. Though there is no empirical data to support this, anecdotal evidence from those in the mental health professions all have faith in its efficacy. Reading, it seems, like Heineken, reaches other parts other approaches cannot reach.

But here, the quality of reading matter does matter. A recent article in The Times explained that:

‘Classic works of literature by William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and other great writers can boost your brain and relieve depression, chronic pain and dementia – while self-help books are a waste of time.
Andrew Gregory, The Times, 1 March, 2020

Only when we are challenged in our reading – by more complex vocabulary; unpredictable plots and interesting phrasing and imagery, do we concentrate properly and thereby reap the benefits. Skim reading and easy texts and layouts (typical of the self-help genre) do us no good at all.

While reading great literature stimulates the brain, it opens our minds to the experiences of others and a realisation that what we may be suffering is not limited to ourselves. As Shakespeare put it so precisely:

It easeth some, though none it ever cured,
To think their dolour [unhappiness] others have endured.
Shakespeare, ‘The Rape of Lucrece’

Knowing we are not alone, eases our pain. Misfortune is isolating, but when we read about others who may have shared our troubles, we create a bond with a fellow sufferer. And unlike living relationships where we often conceal our faults and fears; fictional ones reveal theirs to our gaze. As a result, one often feels one knows more about characters than close relations.

Only connect

Reading and connecting with characters in books can significantly help with mental well-being. By adding a reading group, where there is both literary and social interaction, you can amplify the benefits.

The joy of reading with a friend! Image: Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

My book group has now been running for 26 years and still contains many of its original members. Though I doubt we can remember the titles of all the books we have read and discussed, we do still share the pleasure of each others’ company and memories of many happy evenings.

Book groups can be formed by anyone and if you are struggling to find other interested readers, groups are almost always on offer at your local library. Some reading circles will make the evening an impressive affair with themed food or even speakers, whilst the more modest might simply offer a cup of tea. Mine, I must confess, is never short of wine! How you plan your group is entirely up to you, but sharing a joy of reading is enough to ensure a good outcome.

Bedtime stories

Most of us will have fond memories of being read a book at bedtime as a child. There is something infinitely reassuring and restful about listening to another voice. Sadly, this practice usually stops when we are able to read independently.

It isn’t only babies who enjoy a story at bedtime

For many years now, my husband and I have read to each other at the end of the day (well, if I’m honest, my husband is more likely to read than me!) We are not alone in this: the owners of our favourite bookshop do the same. Often, reading for adults is seen as only applying to the visually- impaired, sick or elderly, but there is no reason for this to be the case. Everyone can enjoy the experience. And if you don’t have a reader of your own, audio books can be of service.

Reading aloud – and especially with others – does marvellous things and if we are feeling down or anxious or depressed, it may well provide the very lift we require. Though no-one seems to be able to quantify this scientifically, I think there are numerous components to why it soothes us – just like a sleepy child.

Reading aloud to another requires close proximity and feeling close is always a lovely feeling. Listening to a familiar voice telling an unfamiliar story, causes us to concentrate in ways that do not tire us, yet relieves us of more troublesome thoughts. Listening to a book – whether ‘live’ or recorded- encourages mental stimulation, increases our general knowledge and expands our vocabulary.

Knowing that the next ‘episode’ of a book will be read later in the evening, inevitably gives the end of the day a certain delightful anticipation. Sharing a book also provides a subject to discuss that is removed from the quotidian. But what I love best is that it permits us to turn off all the electronic distractions and instead focus on each other and the words on the page. Few would question that bedtime stories are good for children; perhaps it is time to remind ourselves and others that they are good for adults too!

Life in the Slow Lane

Taking it slow and admiring the view Image: Photo by Erik Nielsen on Unsplash

All my life I have been a hare: rushing from one activity to another, my mind on the task ahead before I finished the one I was engaged in. Only after my relapse and enforced rest in the hospital did I morph into a tortoise. At the time, I thought this was a temporary transformation, while I worked on recovery. But it soon became apparent that life in the slow lane was my future, and despite my initial chafing, I soon realised what a blessing it was.

And it seems that I am not the only one who can see the advantage of taking things slowly. There is an entire movement devoted to it! Carl Honore describes it this way:

“It is a cultural revolution against the notion that faster is always better. The Slow philosophy is not about doing everything at a snail‘s pace. It’s about seeking to do everything at the right speed. Savoring the hours and minutes rather than just counting them. Doing everything as well as possible, instead of as fast as possible. It’s about quality over quantity in everything from work to food to parenting.” — Honoré.^[3]

Let’s unpack this a little.

Doing everything at the right speed

For me, doing everything at the right speed generally means quite slowly. After years of juggling and multi-tasking, I have come to love this. Even the most mundane of tasks, such as washing dishes or chopping vegetables, becomes a joy and not a chore. When you focus on what you are doing, it is an opportunity for mindfulness.

Bringing our full attention to a task enables us to rest in the activity. I know that seems a contradiction, but it’s true. Being fully absorbed is very tranquil. All the silly thoughts and worries that usually compete for our attention like manic toddlers in a ball pit are replaced with calm, unhurried contemplation. Perhaps we think of the meal we are in the midst of preparing, the texture and colour of the ingredient or perhaps we even feel gratitude for nature’s abundance and our access to it. Such musings improve our mood while getting what is needed done.

Savouring the hours and minutes

While we rush from one thing to another, time always feels like the enemy: breathing down our necks and urging us to race until our lungs burst. It is a brutal slave master, who can never be satisfied.

When we slow down; however, time does too. It seems to unfold to permit us to truly savour our activity, no matter now prosaic. When I am doing art or piano practice, time is no longer relevant, only the page, only the notes. When we bring this practice to our friendships, it allows us to listen with a depth we have not imagined possible and for our friends to feel truly heard.

Quality over quantity

It should come as no surprise that attentive work results in better work. If we can discipline ourselves to slow down and work with care, we are almost guaranteed that what we produce will be pleasing to us. This is not to say that we will always be perfect, but allowing ourselves time means that we can adjust for mistakes and avoid them.

Take driving for example. If we are rushing along, perhaps even speeding, we will be unable to brake or swerve safely if some misfortune befalls the person ahead of us. Or we may miss our turn and be forced to make a long, circuitous detour to get back on track. Or we may simply be raising our blood pressure to dangerous levels in our obsession with reaching our goal in record time.

As with driving, so with life. If I am making a meal, I can continually make micro adjustments to flavourings as I go, ensuring the final result is just how I want it. We can focus on quality when we give ourselves time to do so. The slow movement began with a protest against a fast food chain. I don’t think I need to write further on the difference in quality of fast food versus a home-cooked meal.

For a fuller discussion of The Slow Movement, I encourage you to watch the TED talk below:

Getting things done

This is all very well, you may argue, but I have got a lot to do! No doubt, but the strangest thing of all is that I found I am able to do more not less now that I live more slowly. Whilst at the beginning, I was being driven crazy by my less than cooperative body, now I find the restraints it puts on me quite positive. Rushing and multi-tasking are no longer options, but that doesn’t mean I do nothing at all. If anything, my life is fuller than before and infinitely richer.

How?

And here’s the secret. With MS, we are urged to think in terms of time not task to avoid over-exertion and paying with hours of fatigue. It took me a long while to get my head around this and I still forget sometimes and pay the consequences with dizziness, nausea and hours lying on the sofa. But this idea of allocating a specific amount of time to an activity is immensely helpful.

Many of know the time and motion quote by Parkinson that says, ‘Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion’. Though he was concerned with bureaucracies, we are all aware of how often this holds true in the workplace and even the home.

If we allocate a small and reasonable amount of time to do something, more often than not, we complete it. This may be because we are not trying to do anything else (multi-tasking) or because we are more focused and productive.

And if a task requires more time than we can manage in one session, we simply have to break it up into its component parts. As Henry Ford said:

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
Henry Ford

Building a car is a daunting prospect, but by allocating small tasks to a large number of workers, he was able to produce a car in as little as 93 minutes!

I would not suggest that you make your life a production line, but by breaking up tasks, it is quite amazing what you can do with no ill-effects to your health. It has also given me hope for the future. It is likely that my stamina will decrease as my disease progresses, but this way of living makes that far less of a scary prospect. I shall simply have to divide and sub-divide tasks into their manageable portions and not give them up altogether.

Slow is not being lazy or doing nothing. It is simply changing priorities. As Guttorm Floistad points out, it is reminding ourselves of what is essential and in doing so, improving our own and others’ lives.

“The only thing for certain is that everything changes. The rate of change increases. If you want to hang on you better speed up. That is the message of today. It could however be useful to remind everyone that our basic needs never change. The need to be seen and appreciated! It is the need to belong. The need for nearness and care, and for a little love! This is given only through slowness in human relations. In order to master changes, we have to recover slowness, reflection and togetherness. There we will find real renewal.”
Professor Guttorm Fløistad

The ancients had it right. Slow and steady really does win the race, as Aesop suggested in his fable. Winning is not just reaching the finishing line either; it is making the journey an enjoyable and fulfilling one where we appreciate the landscape and the people we meet along the way.

Get to know your inner tortoise! Image: Photo by Nick Abrams on Unsplash

Receiving

Jesus was right, it is, ‘more blessed to give than receive,’ (Acts 20:35) and more contemporary neurological studies have supported this. All the evidence points to the fact that giving somehow makes us ‘richer’, whereas receiving makes us ‘poorer’.

This paradox is not an easy one to live with when illness or need makes us a receiver. I know that I am both dreadful at asking for help and often apologetic or embarrassed when receiving it. As a result, I often don’t seek assistance and struggle along making myself exhausted and irritable.

Giving is easy – receiving is not. Image: Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

This post is an exploration of why that might be. And though I clearly believe in the benefits of giving , (see my last post, ttps://whenlifegivesyoulemons.blog/giving/ ) I am also aware that gracious receiving is a skill too, though I am still working on acquiring it! So what makes it so hard?

Vulnerability, weakness and shame

Do these words make you feel uncomfortable? I know they do for me. Even writing them makes me want to shift topic, make a coffee, take a break. Yet, living with a condition in which we need help means that feelings of vulnerability, weakness and shame are always close at hand.

When you cannot run from danger, you feel vulnerable. When your body doesn’t do all the things you want it to do: walk, lift, carry etc, you feel weakness. When you are unable to support yourself financially, you feel shame. In fact, simply being a rather less than optimal human being creates these feelings and with that comes a diminishing of our self worth. And to be honest, no amount of encouraging comments about how ‘great’ we are doing reduces this. Such comments, though well-intentioned, only make us fear the point when we will not be doing so well.

Brene Brown has researched and written extensively on the subject and in many ways, broken the taboos surrounding it. We can all suffer from these negative emotions, yet, if we can acknowledge and work on them, we can ‘dare greatly’. I’ll let her explain.

Empathy is the antidote to shame
Brene Brown

Empathy

Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy puts the giver in a position of power, looking down on the person who suffers. Empathy, on the other hand, sees them as an equal, and relates to their pain, as an equal. An empathetic person is able to ‘walk in your shoes’ and in doing so, understand. Yet, this is a very difficult thing to do.

Because if we are to do this, we have to shed our own desire to be better, stronger and more capable. We have to drop our guard and be vulnerable too, which is never comfortable. And we have to listen carefully and without judgement.

I’ve got you! Image: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The world does not encourage us to do this, either. We are urged to compete with others and ourselves. We are taught to strive and gain status. We are told over and over, overtly and covertly, that only winners matter. Only when we are able to fight this great wave of assumptions can we even come close to being empathetic.

But empathy is what (we all) need to grow as humans. When we are offered help in an empathetic way, it is easier to accept and good generally results. However, if we are made to feel small or useless or diminished by our asking, we simply won’t and this may lead to unpleasant and unnecessary consequences.

The pride myth

One of the reasons given for not asking is that the person is too proud. This is spoken of as a good thing. ‘Oh, so and so is too proud to ask for anything. They do x,y and z by themselves.’ Their struggles are held up as examples of their fortitude and stamina.

Don’t get me wrong. I feel that we are all responsible to do absolutely everything in our power to live independent lives and be as little a burden on others as possible, but when I hear these words, I often think how convenient it is. Since they are too proud to ask for help, we need to nothing but congratulate them on their self-reliance!

It seems, too, that everyone has forgotten that pride is one of the deadly sins – not something to be celebrated at all. An elderly person who is too proud to give up driving even when their eyesight is failing and their reactions slow, is a danger to themselves and others. This is not independence but folly.

Receiving well

A proper thank you! Image: Photo by Sebastián León Prado on Unsplash

There is a knack to receiving well and I’m working on it! Many of us, when given gifts say, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have’ or are embarrassed by the giver’s generosity. It takes a certain amount of courage to smile widely and say ‘thank you’! Because, at bottom, many of us don’t feel we deserve kindness.

And our lack of self-esteem is harmful to both ourselves and the giver. When we receive with reticence and awkwardness, we are diminishing the pleasure of the giver too. They wanted to make us feel happy, not uncomfortable.

Practice

As with all things, practise makes perfect and the best way to start is with compliments. If you find yourself muttering things that deny or undermine a compliment, stop, smile and say thank you. When you see something or someone you wish to compliment, do so. It might well make their day! Sadly, most of us spend our lives in a swirl of criticism (much of our own mind’s making), so a kind word, well-received, can be a real balm.

Receiving gracefully

It is perhaps worth remembering the origin of the word grace was ‘God’s favour or help’. This was not necessarily requested or deserved, but simply given.

When we can learn to receive gracefully, I believe that we can enrich both ourselves and the giver. This way, blessed are both those who give and those who receive.

Giving

One of the many curious paradoxes of life is this: when you are most in need of help, you will benefit the most in giving it. Let me explain.

Giving is probably one of the most empowering of human behaviours and when one has been dis-empowered by ill-health, misfortune or just life hurling lemons, this is the antidote. It enables us to regain our self-respect and the respect of others; it connects us with the community when we are feeling most isolated and not only does it make us feel happier, it creates a field of contentment in those around us too.

And if you are thinking that you are unable to contribute anything: think again. Each of us has our own unique abilities when it comes to giving -from hiking Mount Kilimanjaro for charity to shaking a collection tin at the shopping centre.

But I will make one condition here. Our giving must be done willingly and with love. We all know how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of a ‘good deed’ that has been done begrudgingly. If anything, it makes us feel worse rather than better. So don’t let me or anyone else bully you into giving! It will come as naturally as breathing if we just let it.

And if you feel the urge? Go ahead!

Social interaction

When you are volunteering, you are likely to be amongst people who share your passion. Perhaps you want to save the planet or support your local hospital or make some tiny, positive difference in an unequal world. Here, you do not need to argue your case to disinterested listeners, instead you are with people who agree with you and are working towards the same aim.

Interacting with like-minded souls is always a good experience. Why else do people join clubs and societies? By doing this in a voluntary setting, you are improving your social life and getting the additional benefits of giving. In some instances, strong bonds of friendship will form. (I can’t count how many great friends I have found this way) and in others, they will remain companionable colleagues.

But whatever happens, you will be among caring people and that, in itself, is uplifting. By volunteering for an hour a week or several, you are creating a structure to your days and avoiding that most dreadful of fates: social isolation.

Volunteering can make you and others smile

The gift that keeps on giving

I volunteer for my local Citizens Advice in Research and Campaigns team. I love my colleagues and I love the challenges that the work gives me. We have been able to make some very real and beneficial changes to the lives of those in temporary accommodation in the town and even won the Citizens Advice national award for it.

As the lead researcher, I learnt a great deal both about housing and how to persuade people to do the right thing. Perhaps my greatest discovery was that when you give others the tools, information and support to make positive change, more often than not, they do. By the end, our main accommodation provider was asking us for suggestions on improvements!

The whole experience confirmed the research on giving. The original manager we worked with, listened with interest to what I said, and this boosted my self-worth. He instigated some changes to improve his accommodation: an on-site laundry and welcome letter are two examples. As a consequence, the clients felt more comfortable and at home and the atmosphere became friendlier. The residence went from a notorious place that no-one wanted to end up in to pleasant one in which to work and live. Giving creates a virtuous knock on effect: one action prompting another in a cascade of kindness.

Sometimes the hard work pays off. Me, Sarah Rose and Alan Bruzon (CEO)

Flexible hours

Unlike most jobs, volunteering comes with hours to suit. If an hour a week is all you can manage, that hour will be valued. If you can do more, that’s brilliant. Most charities are grateful for whatever you can give and are understanding when you are not well enough to come in.

With an unpredictable disease like MS, flexibility is key. As a researcher, most of my work is done at home and when I am most able and if I have meetings, I’ll ensure I rest before and after. Though standard employment is not an option for me, volunteering offers an opportunity to use my abilities and energy (when I have it!) in a positive way.

Go for it

Before I started at Citizens Advice, I took a little volunteering sabbatical. In the past, I was often nudged into roles rather than choosing them. Though I do not regret any, this time, I wanted to do something that I especially cared about (social justice) and take a position that would enable me to use my full range of skills. It took quite a few months of searching to find the perfect fit, but it was worth the investment. I would recommend that you take your time too.

Charities have an almost infinite variety of positions available from home visitors to fund-raisers. You should be able to find out about these from their website or talking to volunteers. If you find something you think you would like, perhaps ask if you can spend a day shadowing someone or simply meet the team. If they are a good fit, go for it. If not, there will be somewhere that is. Charities spend a great deal of energy on new recruits and they want you for the long haul, not just a week or two. By taking the time to find the right place and position, everyone benefits.

Something only you know

Each of us is unique and our own experiences may well be of assistance to others. Part of my motivation in writing this blog was to give a voice to those suffering from MS. Not everyone is well enough to do this and certainly not everyone would want to, but by giving an ‘insider’s view’, I hoped to make it easier for others to relate to their friends and relations who may also have chronic conditions or even give them the confidence to ask (as people very rarely do) what it is like.

Others may use their experiences to help those recently diagnosed or those treating them. Below is a fantastic example of using a personal perspective to help those in the healthcare industry to do their jobs even more brilliantly. This talk is an absolutely inspiring look at how, even in the very worst circumstances, giving time to others can heal and empower.

If there is anyone who epitomises the philosophy of this blog, it is Lucy, for whom life has given a whole truckload of lemons.

Proving that no matter what your situation – there is always something you can give

Green Therapy

‘ The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”
Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

This morning, I ate a late breakfast in the garden. The sun was radiant and the sky a Hockney swimming pool blue. It was chilly, yes, but nothing that a warm jumper and a coat couldn’t deal with.

So I settled myself down with my hot coffee, toast and marmalade and gave myself the task of doing … absolutely nothing. This brief respite from the rain and cold was there to be cherished and savoured. This was a moment for green therapy – the most effective, inexpensive and delightful one available. Forget expensive spa days – just take some time to sit outside.

Being one with Nature

Cheery snow drops and cyclamen welcome visitors to my home

Sitting doing nothing can easily morph into a mini meditation session. One can close one’s eyes and simply listen – to the bird song, the rumble of traffic in the background, even the creak and settling of the house as it basks in the spring sunshine.

Or focus on a flower. The Buddha famously picked a lotus flower (mud and roots and all) and held it up for his disciple’s contemplation. Though most of his followers were not quite sure what to make of it, one, Mahakasyapa, understood and smiled, finding enlightenment in this simple plant. As in all Zen riddles, there is not one correct ‘answer’ to the Buddha flower sermon and perhaps we need not look for one. For me, the flower is a symbol of life – it’s beauty and transience. It gives joy, yet expects nothing in return. It is an example of the rightness of the world.

When Jesus tried to remind his disciples of the uselessness of worry, he also used a flower to explain his thoughts. He said, ‘Consider the lilies of the fields, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin,’ Matt 6:28. In other words, Nature, or God, would provide.

And even if we are not comfortable with a religious approach, we can always take the age -old advice of stopping to smell the flowers. No-one should be in such a rush that they cannot take a moment to hold a scented bloom to their nose and let its perfume calm and restore them.

Spring flowers are especially delightful and my house is filled with hyacinths and paper-whites at the moment, so that even if the day is damp and dreary, I can still imagine that I am in the garden.

Feed the Birds

When I was unwell, I often lay in bed watching the birds swoop and turn like acrobats in the sky. Living near the coast, there are always seagulls to entertain me, but my garden is filled with other birds too, who make regular appearances.

We have Reggie Crow, who is semi tame and knocks on next door’s windows for his daily bread; a solitary magpie; whole clutches of sparrows, tits and little brown jobs; pigeons and doves. Sometimes the cacophony they make can feel a little overwhelming, but they provide the best free cinematic entertainment whether I am stuck inside or outside in the garden with them.

Placing a variety of bird feeders or ensuring that you have plenty berry producing trees will ensure a steady supply of feathered visitors. Watching the birds is somehow much more therapeutic than watching something on a screen – and every bit as enjoyable.

We are hoping that our family of blue-tits will return to nest this year

Throughout time, artists, philosophers and poets have written about the healing powers of Nature and it seems we are just catching on.

Being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, reduces anger, fear, and stress and increases pleasant feelings. Exposure to nature not only makes you feel better emotionally, it contributes to your physical wellbeing, reducing blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension, and the production of stress hormones. It may even reduce mortality, according to scientists such as public health researchers Stamatakis and Mitchell.
https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/how-does-nature-impact-our-wellbeing

In addition, it can help reduce pain by distracting us from it. The sheer complexity of natural forms encourages the brain to focus on them rather than our discomfort.

Surprisingly, it has also been shown to help us build a sense of connectedness, not only with the natural world but with each other. Communities that have access to nature tend to have closer social ties and fewer social dysfunctions like crime.

Attention to nature can improve cognitive function and creativity. And one way to ensure you benefit from both is to keep a nature diary. One year, I decided to do just that.

Every day, I walked the dog in the same beautiful park and I set myself the challenge of noting (and writing about) any changes I saw from day to day. Over the course of the year, I was able to trace the incremental changes from one season to the next. Because I had set myself the task of doing this for 365 days, I also looked for details that I would have over-looked on an ordinary walk. Retiring plants came into view; the varieties of lichen on trees grabbed my attention, discovering the various flowers on trees, brought joy. (All trees have flowers – you just have to look for them.) And this attentiveness has remained with me, so that no walk, no matter how short, is without wonder.

Bring the Outside In

The day I started this was brilliant and fine, yet today, as I finish, the wind is howling and the rain battering the window panes. I made a quick dash around the garden between showers, but this is not a day for meandering.

So what should we do if the weather is appalling or we are unable to venture outside? Bring it in. Numerous studies have shown that the benefits of nature can be achieved from something as simple as a pot plant. Even pictures of nature can have a beneficial effect.

So I encourage you to pick some flowers or invest in some plants for those days when the weather or your health is preventing you from enjoying the great outdoors. They are sure to lift your spirits.

And if you are looking for the greatest show on earth – it’s on your doorstep.

Not Everyone Can be There for You

Surprisingly, the hardest part of coping with an incurable, chronic condition or life-threatening disease, is not the illness itself, but the way those we love react to it.

Over and over, we read or hear how marvellous family and friends are in helping with adversity. How many magazines blaze the headlines: ‘I couldn’t have made it without my mum/dad/significant other?’ Dozens.

The less palatable truth is that not everyone will find that support when they need it. While listening to a programme about young cancer sufferers on Woman’s Hour, Radio 4, I discovered that, contrary to popular belief those closest to us can be utterly useless when it comes to life going awry. Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you’re all alone.

I was horrified by the tales of these young women whose friends and relatives effectively dumped them once they shared their diagnosis. Part of me wanted to believe that these were especially difficult women, but listening to their stories proved that this was not the case. To a (wo)man, they were articulate and delightful, stoic in their acceptance that sometimes people aren’t up to the job of caring for those facing misfortune.

Though a little ashamed to admit it, this cheered me up too. Having first being diagnosed with MS and then cancer, I got to witness a wide spectrum of responses from the borderline indifferent to the angelic.

With the MS, I understood that people might be bemused. It is a complex and unpredictable disease. It is also invisible. Since I routinely turned up to events quite cheerfully, it was easy to imagine I was fine. They had not witnessed me lying for hours incapable of doing anything nor had a clue about the mental turmoil one goes through envisaging a future that might see you not just wheelchair bound but utterly incapacitated or even dead.

When I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer three years later, I assumed that this would alert those less supportive ones that I really was ill. It did not.

If anything, the sheer magnitude of the diagnosis meant that there were people who effectively ghosted me rather than deal with this new reality. This included, to my dismay, many who I had assumed I could rely upon.

Facing it alone

My husband has been a rock through all of this, but he has to work and so is out of the house most of the day. My sons live abroad, so can hardly be expected to pop round. But I do have a number of people close by, but that did not mean they came to see me. On the contrary, if anything, this particular group stayed away more than usual.

Out there on your own Image: Photo by Mahir Uysal on Unsplash

Being sick, when everyone else is well, is incredibly isolating – not simply because you can’t join in all the time. Illness invariably means spending long hours at home in bed or resting, hours that are filled with fears for the future.

Being sick and ignored by those you always assumed would support you adds yet another layer of pain. In some ways, their lack of care hurt much more than the intrusive and often distressing procedures that I had to go through. Those lasted only a short time and healed. These hurts lasted months and have left terrible scars.

At first, I experienced confusion. Did they not realise my predicament? With both diagnoses, I was absolutely honest about what they meant, while trying to take the most optimistic path. Yet still, I felt that my explanations were treated as a kind of demand for sympathy, an exaggeration. One person even went so far as to suggest that chemo wasn’t really that bad, since her friends had all had it and managed fine! There is not much one can say to that. With all things, one person’s experience in no way reflects another’s. For me, chemo was the worst experience I have ever gone through but radiotherapy was a doddle, though many others find the reverse. No-one’s diagnosis or treatment is identical and it is wise to let the person suffering tell you how they are experiencing things rather than making assumptions.

Dismissal of the seriousness of your condition has two effects: first it diminishes you and makes you question your own reality and second it makes you feel ashamed. Am I such a terrible person that those I love can’t find time for me? Am I really that unimportant? If I died, would they care?

This post has been incredibly difficult to write. At the back of my head, little voices keep telling me that I should not be calling attention to this. It is my fault. Something in me makes them behave that way.

But I need to share this. Years of meditation and extensive therapy have helped me to understand that really, I have nothing to do with it. (Though I don’t always believe that!) In truth, most of us prefer to plunge our heads deep into the sand rather than face what is unpleasant or downright terrifying. At some level, we are still children and it is tempting to close our eyes and ignore anything bad in the hope that it will disappear. But when someone saves themselves in such a way, they sacrifice the one who is already suffering. Life isn’t fair and is often cruel, but that is just how it is. And despite their scariness, these testing times also give the greatest opportunity to grow and to love fully.

Whilst my circumstances have cost me dear in terms of certain relationships, it has also brought the most incredible love and kindness – often from the most unexpected quarters. My true friends were there to take me to appointments; sit with me while the poisonous chemo ran through my veins; laughed and hugged me. Friends who live miles away constantly emailed or wrote with little quirky stories and tales of family adventures, restoring a sense of normality to life. And this blanket of affection kept me warm and safe from the icy blasts of depression. Sharing life with these people made it all the more precious.

So, if this post is to have meaning, it is to encourage you to step way outside your comfort zone and be there for those who need you. They may not be any fun for a while; they may not even survive. But what you can give is more precious than anything you can buy. Unfortunately, love cannot heal us physically, but it can make even the most terrible times bearable.

Everyone can benefit from a hug Image: Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

I Get by With a Little Help from my Friends

‘What do we do when our hearts hurt?’ asked the boy.
‘We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time, till they wake hopeful and happy again.’ Charlie Mackesy

Everyone needs friends. Of course, they do. But when you are dealing with adversity, illness or disability this need becomes more urgent. Further, we need friends who will stay the course – long after the first flowers of commiseration have faded and the cards have been taken down.

We need friends years later, who are willing to keep and eye on us and are empathetic to our changing situation. Supporting someone going through a bereavement may well take months; supporting someone going through an illness, likewise, but supporting someone with a chronic and degenerative condition means a life-time commitment. Some will not be able to manage that and although any help and kindness is appreciated, especially in the first, terrifying weeks of diagnosis, those who are with you throughout are what sustain you.

True friends are there for the whole journey Image: Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

Asking for help

The thing I struggle with most is asking for help, even from those who have proven themselves willing! I’m not sure why I (and others) are so bad at this. No doubt our pride is dented a little and our inabilities make us feel small, but that said, we do need aid and we need to find the courage to ask for it.

One thing that assists me with this is having friends that are utterly straight-forward. If they are free, they’ll help; if they are not, they expect me to ask someone else. This frank approach is excellent for everyone involved. I know that I am not putting someone out with my request (and thus subject to the guilt of the being the beneficiary of self-sacrifice) and if they oblige, they are doing so freely and happily. This way, I can accept their kindness gladly.

Two heads are better than one

Another truism, but an important one. Often when struggling with new situations our minds are so crammed with craziness that we literally can’t see straight. Solutions elude us. Everything is overwhelming. This is when we need to call in our friends. With an objective eye and a caring but independent perspective, they are often able to unravel even the most complex Gordian knot.

For some time after my diagnosis, I was terrified of using the shower, which was in the bath. I had some temporary grab bars, but they had an unfortunate habit of slipping and the new shower wasn’t going to be fitted for months. Even with a bath mat, standing without support was difficult and the hot shower would often make me feel a little faint. My brain instantly rushed to images of me falling out the shower and banging my head and being left undiscovered till the evening. My husband works long hours and my children have left home. So what could I do?

A kind friend offered to phone to check I had left the shower safely every morning, but really this was too much to ask, but it did lead to a solution. My husband would call at lunch-time and if I didn’t answer within a reasonable period, he would contact my neighbour who had a key. It was a simple and elegant solution and the daily terror of the shower evaporated.

Help near at hand

Depressing though it is to have to make contingency plans for falls and accidents, it is something that we should all consider. When my friend was asked to take someone to A&E after a bad fall whilst running, she realised that she had no way of contacting this person’s next of kin. She knew her father lived locally, but had no contact details. When she mentioned this at book club, we all realised that although we knew everyone’s relations personally, we did not have a clue how to reach them.

The solution was that one member kindly offered to make a list (now on my fridge) with everyone’s emergency contact details. Anyone of us could take care of contacting our nearest and dearest. Unfortunately, no-one is exempt from life’s unpleasant surprises, so having friends to take care of some of the practicalities is a great comfort.

Book groups provide more than great discussions; they provide friends in times of crisis.

Making life easier

I am fortunate to be able to do most things myself at the moment, but that said, even simple things often take me longer or cause more fatigue than they would for a healthy person. Having the support of friends has been invaluable in opening up my life. Offers of lifts in the evenings and for longer distances has meant I have been able to maintain a fairly normal social life – though early bedtimes remain.

What would be impossible for me to achieve on my own, is easy with friends. We visit gardens, museums, cinemas and places of interest. Having someone drive allows me to retain my energy for the day ahead. Being with people who are aware of my limitations decreases the stress of being in unfamiliar surroundings.

Living a more interesting life gives me fresh news and topics of conversation. It is also incredibly good for my mental health – by reducing social isolation and pushing back the ever present spectre of depression that takes hold when alone and bored. And of course, offering to pay for petrol, buying a coffee or a meal is an easy way to express gratitude and return a little kindness for that which is given.

Love binds us Image: Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

Friends help keep you well

Most of us are aware that friends are good for us, but perhaps are not aware just how good they are for our physical well-being. Amazingly, in addition to giving us the pleasure of their company, they also:

Make you live longer! ‘Researchers examined 148 previous studies on social links and mortality, which together included more than 300,000 participants. These studies found that measures of the strength of people’s social relationships, from their number of friends to their integration into the community, were all linked to decreased mortality.’ (livescience.com)
Improve overall health. The Mayo Clinic reports that: ‘Adults with strong social support have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI).’
Psychological benefits Friends give us a sense of belonging and joy in their company. Having them makes us feel more worthy and satisfied. They are also the first people we turn to in times of difficulty and their care and concern can help us get through the greatest emotional challenges.

I’ve got you. Image: Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

Give and take

But friendship does not only go in one direction. Those of us blessed with good friends need to work to maintain them. Whilst I may not be able to do a great deal physically, I am more than able to write letters and emails, listen to worries and hopefully be good company. No matter how busy your life, make time for your friends. You never know when you might need them!

And to finish, I’d like to share one of the most beautiful songs on the subject – Carole King’s You’ve got a friend. Enjoy!