karencostellomcfeat

Be Kind

As we wade through the fog and damp of another interminable January, it is easy to find our mood as low as the rain-filled clouds. Indeed, there is even a day to mark this point on the calendar: Blue Monday. The concept was devised by a PR agency using a pseudo ‘formula’ to estimate which day would fit the criteria of being the most depressing. It looks like this:

The formula for calculating Blue Monday — How to calculate the most depressing day of the year. Source: The Sun

No doubt the marketing team was dreaming up ways to encourage greater consumerism to combat the blues, but I would suggest a much more effective and cheaper approach – be kind.

Be kind to yourself

The first step is to be kind to yourself. No, I don’t mean go out and buy shoes or indulge in an extra glass of wine, but in genuinely taking stock not of your failings but your achievements. A New Year is a time for reflection and by thinking about (or better still listing) all that you have achieved last year, you might find yourself feeling uplifted rather than demoralised.

Being kind to yourself also means looking after yourself – gently and in a way that can continue throughout the year. Perhaps it means taking a little more care with what you eat and drink; finding time for meditation or exercise like yoga; giving yourself permission to read the book you received for Christmas rather than rushing about sorting laundry.

Time for yourself, does not mean selfish time. We (and particularly women) seldom feel we have any right to pursue our own interests when there is so much to be done. I spent way too many years in this mindset: devoting myself to my family and volunteering when what I really needed was a rest. And lest you think this is a bout of virtue signalling; it is not. What I achieved with all this craziness was a body that gave up and a mind that was frazzled and frustrated. Martyrs may get sainted, but I doubt they make good company. Since I have started being ‘selfish’, I still achieve all my goals but do so with a much cheerier outlook!

Image: Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

Kindness is loving yourself enough to love those around you.
RAKtivist

Be kind to others

Once you have ensured that you are filled with love, it is time to share. It is always worth remembering that life is a struggle for everyone, no matter how glamorous/successful/ idyllic their exterior lives might appear. We are all walking wounded. If you don’t believe me, try to think of someone who has no worries about a relative or friend, finances, health or love. Such creatures only exist in the realm of fiction. The rest of us are just putting on a brave face.

Showing kindness to others heals the world more effectively than anything. The recipient feels seen and appreciated and the giver benefits too. According to the Mental Health Foundation,

Research shows that helping others can be beneficial to our own mental health. It can reduce stress, improve our emotional wellbeing and even benefit our physical health.
Mental Health Foundation, https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/random-acts-kindness

They even give some lovely suggestions for random acts of kindness that even the busiest person can manage. And if you are looking for further inspiration, check out: https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/ which is a whole website devoted to this subject!

And I urge you to extend your acts of kindness to the whole world and not just humans. The Earth is desperately in need of a little TLC. Each time you reduce your purchases of consumer goods; reuse and up-cycle what you already own and recycle things which need to be thrown away, you are showing you care for the planet that cares for you.

Practising Loving-Kindness

As in all things, practise makes perfect. The Dalai Lama did not become the revered loving soul we know by accident; he worked at it and continues to work at it through a life of contemplation and prayer. Below is a prayer he says each day, which I think is rather beautiful.

Bodhisattva Prayer For Humanity
May I be a guard for those who need protection,
A guide for those on the path,
A boat, a raft, a bridge for those who wish to cross the flood.
May I be a lamp in the darkness,
A resting place for the weary,
A healing medicine for all who are sick
A vase of plenty, a tree of miracles.
And for the boundless multitudes of living beings
May I bring sustenance and awakening,
Enduring like the earth and sky
Until all beings are freed from sorrow
And all are awakened.
– Shantideva
https://www.lovefreemovement.com/

Of course, you may have something from another spiritual tradition that works for you. I love the ‘Peace be with you’ from the Church of England’s Communion Service. It is hard to think or say such a thing without being guided to a more loving behaviour.

Or more simply, start with something small and easy like, ‘May I be healthy and happy’ and expanding it first to those you love and then to those you do not know. Repeating these mantras will help you find kindness in the most testing times.

Challenge yourself

Challenge yourself to engage in a single act of kindness today. Perhaps it will mean you bring a drink to a weary partner; listen with compassion to someone who is struggling; or send a friendly note to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Random acts of kindness do not need to be big or showy. The best ones are those which are uncomplicated and do not leave the receiver feeling indebted. A dear friend brought me some of her delicious homemade marmalade today and that sunny orange jar will bring a smile whenever I open it. And when I was unwell at the weekend, my husband took over the role of making meals and allowed me to rest and recover.

Pass it on

Being on the receiving end of an act of kindness almost always spurs us to reciprocate. Kindness creates a virtuous circle of giving in which everyone wins. So as these dull days linger on, try to bring a little sunshine to the world. It will make you and everything else seem better.

Journeys of Discovery – 2

In the last post, I looked at the why of travel and in this one, I’d like to look at the how. When you are disabled, journeys take on a whole new character. Spontaneity is definitely out. Every journey needs to be planned with the attention to detail normally reserved for a space launch. Though not everywhere will be accessible, there is more than enough that is. The trick lies in being prepared.

God bless the National Health Service

My cancer is in remission and my MS behaving very well at the moment, but I am aware that either of these may change. Travelling within the UK means that there is always a hospital nearby should things go awry and a doctor who will understand my problems (and who I will understand).

Medical help when you need it. Image: Photo by Online Marketing on Unsplash

Knowing this means that I travel without the added anxiety of ‘What if things go wrong?’ If they do, I shall be treated with the same standard of care I would receive in my home town. This is not to say I shall never travel abroad, but travelling within the UK is certainly less stressful.

Medications

By following the OMS programme, I have had the good fortune to not need any medications, though most folks with MS do. Many of those drugs require refrigeration and this must be factored into accommodation requirements.

One of the many complications of a chronic condition is that even minor ailments can escalate rapidly. MS makes it more likely that you will suffer from urinary tract infections and to add insult to injury, these (and many other infections) may prompt a ‘pseudo’ relapse. Though you should recover fully once the infection has been overcome, longer term damage may occur. As a consequence, I always take a course of antibiotics with me to avoid any risk. My GP was more than happy to oblige me in this – and I’m sure yours will be too!

Ensure you have sufficient medications and supplements for your stay Image: Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

Mobility

Without question, the most infuriating aspect of my condition is the inability to walk any distance. I’m blessed with the strength to toddle about for a while, but soon my legs will start to feel painful, then stiff, my left foot will drag and then refuse to work at all. How long or how little I can manage varies considerably and I need to be prepared for the worst.

There are numerous mobility aids on the market to help, but like medicines, they come with their own side-effects. Each of these can be minimised with a little research and testing.

Walking Sticks

Most of us will need a stick at some point when placed in unknown surroundings and for many, this is all they will need. Keeping a fold-up one with you is a sure way to avoid the horror of discovering that the parking (even disabled bays) are further from your destination than you thought!

When I was first given a stick, it was an old-fashioned wooden one. The physio checked it was the correct height, but it was not the correct style for me. My hands and wrists soon began to tire and ache. Some kind soul mentioned that I should get an ergonomic one with a wide handle. Though not so common, they are easy to find. Just make sure that you get the correct one if you are left handed!

Wheelchairs

I have a wheelchair, but it is not something that I use very often. Unfortunately, the lighter, travel ones do not fare well on uneven surfaces and I keep mine for airports and museums. Nor do I like the fact that, since I do not have the strength to propel myself, I require someone to push me. I can’t say that I enjoy the loss of independence this entails, but it has enabled me to see some fabulous exhibitions in comfort.

Mobility scooters

My absolute favourite aid is my mobility scooter. Do I feel self-conscious tootling about like someone twice my age? Yes, is the honest answer. Would I rather stay at home? No.

I found an off-road one that would happily carry me around the paths of any National Trust property. This is a bit of a cumbersome beast, however, so we need to take the car to transport it and my husband needs to be with me to lift it in and out and assemble it.

Finding what is right for you is crucial. The internet is the perfect place to start to find out what is available and then I’d recommend going to a large showroom where you can try things out.

If budgeting is an issue, there are always second-hand options available. Your local MS group would be the best place to start a search for reputable providers.

The advances in mobility aids are staggering. A friend of mine has a wheelchair that can go up and down steps, on the beach and well, wherever. The price tag is rather beyond my budget, but it is good to know these things exist should my Premium Bonds come through.

https://youtu.be/0vIn43FOfN0

The future is bright!

Exhaustion

Exhaustion in MS is an invisible disability and for me has been the most bothersome. There is not much you can do when you can’t wake up.

Following the OMS life-style has helped minimise this, but I do need to figure in rest days and naps to keep me going. Sometimes the excitement of travel means I go far longer than usual without additional sleep – but when I get home, I need to clear the diary and sink into oblivion.

And an invisible disability is a disability all the same. Though few people will understand, it is vital that we express our needs without fuss or complaint. It is easy to be bullied into doing more than we are able and suffering the consequences of hours or even days in a fog of exhaustion.

Toilet stops

The joy of the UK is that there are always service stations, cafes or public toilets nearby. Yes, MS affects most people this way too! So, we factor in very regular stops. An added benefit is that it enables us to stretch legs and reduce the stiffness that accompanies sitting for long periods. It means that journeys take a little longer, but they are certainly more enjoyable.

Heat

Someone very wittily remarked that heat to an MS sufferer is like Kryptonite to Superman. When I was first diagnosed with MS, heat didn’t seem to affect me at all and I enjoyed hot baths and showers and sitting in the sun. Not any more.

An MS sufferer’s worst nightmare – blazing sun and no shade. Image: Photo by Keith Hardy on Unsplash

My intolerance to heat is now so marked that I actually take a cold shower after my hot one, because I came to the realisation that it was the heat exhaustion prompted by my morning shower that left me having to lie down less than an hour after I had got up.

Choosing destinations for holidays is therefore extremely important. You are unlikely to enjoy a trip to Southern Spain mid August burrowed in the dark of your hotel room. The up-side is that travelling off-peak is ideal and holidays in the UK perfect.

Accessibility

Check and check again! There have been a number of times that I have visited locations that claim to be accessible and find they are not or that only certain paths and the cafe are!

Access all area! Image: Photo by Yomex Owo on Unsplash

The UK is generally very good at being genuinely disabled friendly and most places will make real efforts to allow you as much access as feasible. Just don’t be afraid to ask. Portable ramps are often kept out of view, but they do exist and guides are really good at telling you what is accessible and where there are places to rest. I have never been treated with anything but kindness.

Some places go even further – providing regular and off-road wheelchairs, scooters and guided buggy tours. These resources are limited though, so always check/book before you leave home!

Modes of Transport

I confess that I rely almost entirely on the car for my transport in the UK. Although I know that systems are in place on trains and buses for the mobility-limited, they just don’t work for me. To reach almost anywhere, I need to negotiate London and the mere thought gives me palpitations. I shall try to be more brave!

The Grand Tour

Travelling with a disability sometimes makes me feel like an English gentleman on a grand tour. The car is packed with mobility aids, suitable clothing for all temperatures, emergency food supplies and supplements. I require a driver, helper and companion (roles my husband fulfils admirably!) Thus equipped, I am ready to go anywhere. This country contains far more wonders than I could possibly visit in one life time and the natives are definitely friendly.

Journeys of Discovery – 1

I have had the good fortune to travel quite extensively throughout my life and each journey has been a voyage of discovery. As my children grew up, I looked forward to further trips with just my husband. I anticipated rather more civilised and cultured affairs than the slightly hair- raising exploits we tended to have with my two, very active boys. Sadly, life had other plans and with my diagnosis, I believed my days of adventure were over.

For a long time, Alexander Graham Bell’s quote was true for me.

“When one door closes, another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
– Alexander Graham Bell –

For ages, I kicked against the closed door, bewailing my fate. Eventually, I began to tire of my self-pity and began to look forward and not back. First, I had been utterly blessed to see all that I had. Gratitude is a great antidote to despair! Second, what was travel anyway? We spend so long asking each other where we are going and where we have been that we miss the most crucial question of why?

If we ask ourselves that question, it may prompt us to discover far more enriching and exciting journeys of discovery than two weeks at the beach – no matter how exotic the location. For me, journeys give the best opportunity to gain insights into other ways of living. They can be catalysts of change; an opportunity to adopt the best practice of others. Or they may simply give us the chance to see natural wonders that remind us of the beauty of the Earth and our responsibility to cherish it. The world is our classroom, should we wish to pay attention.

So what did I learn from a recent visit to the Scottish Highlands for the New Year?

The best things in life really are free

From where I live to the Highlands is an epic fourteen hour drive, so planned stops were needed. Our first was to one of my oldest friends, who lives in Leeds, and who kindly offered her hospitality.

There are few things more delightful than dinner with old friends, catching up on news and relaxing after a long day. We brought gifts, of course, but the evening was essentially without cost and of priceless value. Our added bonus was enjoying their knowledge of the surrounding countryside and a visit to Malham Cove – a geological wonder in the Yorkshire Dales.

Malham Cove – a crescent shaped inland cliff Image: Wikipedia

This glorious spot was more or less accessible with my scooter and I thoroughly enjoyed the majesty of this weird anomaly of an inland cliff. The UK is never short of surprises.

Collective action and perseverance can achieve the seemingly impossible

Our next stop was Stirling and since we’d missed the castle on our last trip, we decided to rectify it now. It is a magnificent building full of intricately decorated halls and impressive battlements, but what made the visit for me was seeing the newly completed reproductions of the Unicorn Tapestries which had been commissioned to adorn the walls of the Queen’s inner hall.

The Unicorn in Captivity. The seventh and final tapestry in the series. Image: Google images

These tapestries had taken fifteen years and a large number of weavers to produce. I cannot imagine the stamina of those artisans who laboured every day to produce at best inches of tapestry. (One of the guides said he would look in on their work and after eight hours wonder if they had done anything at all.) We are so used to instant everything that we forget how much time, determination and skill is required to make something that is truly awe-inspiring. Together, those weavers worked to create objects of incredible beauty from something as simple as coloured threads.

Nature provides her own gallery

But no matter how awe-inspiring the art of human hands, it always pales in comparison to the master. We reached the Highlands at last and they were breathtaking.

Being out in nature always lifts my spirits; being out in the wilderness makes my heart soar. Discovering that our hotel looked out on some of the many woodland walks around Grantown on Spey was a much appreciated late Christmas present.

A walk (or scooter) in the woods. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Community is forged in adversity

Beautiful though this landscape is, it is also brutal. Whilst we may have loved meandering through woodland, picking fallen moss and pine cones; the inhabitants of this region would have had to battle the vagaries of the weather, the intractability of trees and inhospitable nature of mountainsides to farming. This is a region that has known hunger and hardship.

What these struggles have produced, though, is a community full of resilience, immense generosity and kindness. Those who formulated the myth that the Scots are mean, I suspect never crossed the border!

In a world where people still depend on one another, community is not just a trendy catch-phrase but a way of living. Though the village was tiny, there was plenty going on and we never passed anyone without at friendly hello and perhaps a wee chat. Strangers though we were, we were welcomed by everyone.

Hogmanay (New Year’s Eve) is celebrated throughout Scotland with great vigour and our village was no exception. Towards midnight we went to the main square – already heaving with people of all ages, some dancing near the stage with the the folk band.

We were treated to an amazing firework display before heading back to our hotel for the piper accompanied by two young Highland dancers. Wired with excitement, and needing to recover from the cold, we took advantage of the ‘wee drams’ on offer with other treats also. All of these were provided by the hotel at no extra charge even though our stay was hardly expensive.

Our history shapes us and speaks to us

There is not space to write about all the historical sites we visited, but they included more castles, battlegrounds, ancient standing stones and my favourite: the Clava Cairns of Outlander fame. Though I grew up very close to Stonehenge and an array of pre-historic settlements throughout Wiltshire, this Bronze age site excelled them all. There were no fences and no visitor’s centre, which meant that, a few selfie-taking tourists aside, we were able to fully absorb their magical beauty in this quiet enchanted grove of ancient trees.

The mystical Clava Cairns. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

They demonstrated to us that our ancestors were brilliant engineers who were able to orientate the openings of the cairns to align with the sun at the winter solstice. Whatever we build today is merely an extension of the ingenuity of our forefathers.

They were a spiritual place too. Having been used as a place of worship for centuries, if you stood quietly, you could feel those heart-felt prayers of long ago: for a peaceful afterlife, a good harvest, love and health. For that moment at least, we did time travel to stand with those who lived before us.

So, let us think why we travel where we do and how it can enrich our lives. We do not need to travel far, but we do need to travel deeply. If we do this, each journey will bring discoveries that we can apply to our everyday lives. If we travel thoughtfully, both our communities and the planet will thank us.

2020

If there were ever a year with an auspicious date, it would have to be this one. I love the plump symmetry of the digits; the repetition of the words; and even, as my husband has pointed out, the phonics of the Roman numerals MMXX that say, mmmm kiss, kiss! That has got to be a great way to start the year.

I’m writing this from the Highlands of Scotland, where they certainly know how to celebrate Hogmanay – the last day of the year. The evening’s revelries are followed by two days off, no doubt to give everyone a chance to to recover.

And it certainly makes sense to mark the passing of the winter solstice, when the Earth tilts its face towards the sun once again. This far north, light doesn’t appear until nine in the morning and slinks away again at four in the afternoon.

The observance of the solstice goes back into the furthest reaches of time. Our ancestors would have celebrated with fires and fermented drinks; we celebrate with fireworks and Prosecco. As they say, plus la change, plus la meme chose.

The dark beauty of winter Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

But what is the significance of the New Year for those of us blessed with light at our fingertips? Our working lives are seldom tied to the seasons, and our social ones barely affected by the vagaries of the weather.

The Romans named the first month Ianuarius, which we translated to January. It is named after Janus, the god of openings and change. He was a threshold spirit who presided over transitions from one state to another: from beginnings to endings, war to peace, childhood to adulthood.

He is usually depicted in profile with his two heads looking in opposite directions: one backwards into the past and one forwards into the future.

Two headed Janus https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Janus1.JPG#/media/File:Janus1.JPG

Looking backwards

And the New Year is the perfect time to reflect and remember. Taking account of the previous year should be a source of celebration and not regret. Perhaps we didn’t get the house/car/promotion that we wanted, but unless we are extremely unfortunate, there would be times that we wish to recall and memories to cherish. It is a great time to get out the old albums and reacquaint ourselves with people and experiences that have been subsumed in the chaos of the everyday. This is in essence what Robert Burns’ poem is about – drinking with old friends and remembering former escapades.

https://youtu.be/acxnmaVTlZA

New Year's favourite song - with the lyrics!

Looking to the future

New Year is equally a time to look forward, to think of how to make our lives better and more content. A noble pursuit, certainly, but there is a danger in putting too much emphasis on making all your plans on this one day. Resolutions made now may not be ideal for later on. For example, a vow to give up chocolate after Christmas’ over-indulgence is likely to run aground at Valentine’s. I prefer my friend’s method of making monthly resolutions that are smaller and easier to attain.

For example, instead of deciding to watch less TV and read more, choose a book that inspires your interest and plan to read it by the end of the month. Each time that you reach your goal, your success will make you more keen to repeat it.

Even better is to work on creating routines that will make your life more fulfilling. University College London’s research revealed that new habits are formed in as little as sixty-six days – a little over two months. If whatever it is that you have resolved to do is of value, surely it is worth that investment?

This is not to say that it will be easy, but we can make things more manageable if we choose. By breaking challenges into smaller portions, we make them more achievable. Far more important than doing a lot is doing a little, often, ideally every day. (If you are exhausted or just can’t face something one day, let yourself off without guilt, just make sure that you get on with it again the next.)

I use a recumbent exercise bike to help strengthen my legs and avoid stiffness and pain. When I started, I was exhausted after five minutes and one kilometre on the lowest setting. Now I routinely do five kilometres and a minimum of fifteen minutes. I know this is very weedy, but for me it is a success I can build on. My cycling comes before my shower every day and unless I feel drained by fatigue or unwell, I just get on and start pedalling. It is surprising how often on days that I thought I could only manage a few minutes, I actually achieve my goal. To succeed in anything, we need to turn up.

Looking to today

Handsome though our Janus is, he is a face short. I wish that he had one looking in the direction of the viewer – looking straight into the present. After all, our lives are composed not of the past or of the future, but an infinite number of nows. It is merely our thoughts that time travel.

New Year’s Day is a welcome opportunity for a fresh start. My aim is to make every day as significant, allowing each night to draw a veil on my disappointments and failures and each dawn to provide a pristine canvass on which I can make my mark.

So I wish you a wonderful day and hope that your year, like 2020 vision, is perfect.

The In-Between

Christmas is over and the New Year has not yet begun. All the rush and excitement is finished and we are caught in the in-between of festivities. Yet we can cherish these days for the quiet and rest they provide. Free from obligations, we can lie in late and indulge our lassitude. This social limbo is not a penance but a privilege.

For those with chronic illness and deteriorating conditions; however, life can be a sort of limbo, but not of the positive kind. We exist in a sort of shadow land between that of good health before and the fear of the future to come – a sort permanent dusk. The bright day is over and all that awaits is darkness.

Waiting for nightfall Photo by Ethan Ou on Unsplash

Resting in the Dusk

For a long time, I felt this way: waiting for the next relapse, the next diminishment of my abilities. And each day that I was spared was a bitter-sweet reprieve. As anyone waiting for a decision knows, relief that the worse has not yet happened is tempered by the increased anxiety that it might. In my case, it was the belief that it will. Degenerative diseases are not known to go backwards. So I had to make a decision. I could despair or I could learn to rest in the uncertainty.

I chose the latter.

It has taken many years and a great deal of reading, talking and contemplation, but I am beginning to feel at least a little more comfortable in this gentle dusk. How? By adopting two very helpful techniques. The first is to live in the present. (For anyone interested in a brilliant guide to this kind of meditation theory, I recommend Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now.) When you are able, even for a moment to live in the now, during that time, fears for the future melt away. As a bonus, life feels infinitely more beautiful and precious.

The second, I suppose, is acceptance. With the affluence and privilege we enjoy in the West, we often feel affronted when things don’t go the way we expect. Those in less fortunate parts of the world are all too aware that life goes awry, health is precarious, life difficult and as a consequence are far better equipped to deal with life’s unpleasant surprises. And we can learn from them. Adversity is not to be denied or feared but embraced as something that simply is.

I kicked against my diagnosis for a long time – I had such plans! I was angry at the universe, fate, my own body for being so pathetic and weak. Of course, none of this helped me one iota. If anything, it made things worse.

The Liminal Space

Dawn and dusk are known as liminal spaces – an in-between time; a transition from one state to another. The word is derived from the Latin for threshold, so this place of waiting becomes a doorway to a new state of being.

In anthropology, it refers to the middle stage of a rite of passage. At this point, the participant has embarked on their journey but has not made the transition that will take him/her to their destination and the status that accompanies it.

Most of us are uncomfortable within the in-between, the liminal, but they are places where we get an opportunity to stop and think. As we head towards the New Year, we can use this time to do a good life-edit rather than make up resolutions we will break before the month is out. If we can learn to rest in the dusk, in uncertainty, life will offer up any number of solutions.

These are thresholds we can chose to cross or hover around. If we cross, we may well have to navigate the night for a while, but at the end, there is the promise of dawn.

Sunrise on the horizon by Ethan Ou on Unsplash

‘Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the week before Christmas,
And all through the house,
There was baking and wrapping – but –
No sign of a spouse.

Sound familiar? As the great day approaches, mothers, wives and daughters up and down the country will be frantically working to make everything perfect for the holidays. We have set our standards high and are aghast at how little time is left.

Since MS affects two to three times more women than men, and women play the predominant role in Christmas preparations (apologies to those men who play a greater part), I thought I would dedicate this post to making a happier, fairer Christmas.

The Icelandic Option

This is a rather drastic one, but may be the most effective of all. In 1975, Icelandic women held a one day strike in the home and the workplace. It was called Women’s Day Off and 90% of Icelandic women participated in, well, doing nothing: no child care, no housework and no paid employment. The following year, a law was passed guaranteeing equal pay. Perhaps Christmas Day could be our ‘day off’? Perhaps for that one day, the men and the children would take care of everything. No present could beat that!

But, in truth, I love the preparations for Christmas, as I’m sure do most women. What we need, I feel, is simply to bring it back to something manageable, that everyone can enjoy and that everyone can participate in.

A spiritual Christmas

The Quakers don’t celebrate Christmas. Well, many do, but are not really supposed to. This is not because they are not Christian or spiritual, but rather because every day is cause for celebration and thanksgiving.

What can we learn from the Quakers to make our Christmas special? I think it is this: It is a day we have been given as a gift; a precious parcel of time to enjoy and use purposefully. To keep it simple – avoiding extravagance and waste and sharing our abundance with those less fortunate. Teaching our families this, we can lessen our burden and increase their appreciation.

For those who seek something a little more lively and colourful, churches at this time of year open their doors to believers and unbelievers alike. Carol concerts and special services allow us to reconnect with the spiritual side of Christmas. The financial cost is small, but the rewards great.

We need do nothing but attend, perhaps sing a little and take a quiet moment to reflect, or pray. Perhaps we might bring a gift to more needy children and help re-balance the commercialisation of this period.

Green Christmas

Deck the halls – with greens from the garden!

I confess that I am delighted that being green has now become trendy. In the past, showing concern about the environment was a social kiss of death. No more! So what can we do to make Christmas a little greener and, as a bonus, more affordable and inclusive?

One idea is to only use brown or regular paper to wrap presents as the commercial wrap cannot be recycled. I like to adorn mine with Washi Tape (colourful low-tack tape) and/or stamps and stencils. Young children can have hours of fun creating papers – supervised by their dads, of course. This is a low cost activity with a practical result. And let the kids get involved in wrapping too. With carols as background music, it can be a very special time indeed.

Deck the Halls – with holly, evergreens, berries, mistletoe – whatever you can easily gather from your garden or winter walks. You’ll need gardening gloves and good secateurs and permission to gather anything outside your own fences. Farmers markets and green grocers often stock lovely winter foliage and flowers. Nature is beautiful as it is, but if you have the urge, you can go to town with ribbons and arrangements. Don’t forget to let the rest of the family join in, though!

I am very fortunate to live in an area of outstanding beauty – but having travelled all over the UK, I can’t actually think of a place that is more than 20 miles from somewhere equally gorgeous. So take advantage of what is on offer in the countryside and get the whole family outside for a long walk after dinner. It will give you all a much needed breath of fresh air, unplug the kids from their devices and provide a relaxed time to talk or simply admire the view.

A family Christmas

If I’m honest, when the children were little (and even not so little) just before the Christmas dinner, you could find me shedding a few tears in the kitchen. Overworked, hot and exhausted, I could barely find the energy for the final step. And the fault was as much mine as the family’s. Looking super efficient, having all the plans and menus etc is somewhat disempowering for the other members of the family. I had fallen for the biggest lie of all: that mothers are responsible for everything and failure to provide the perfect Christmas was the ultimate disgrace. Like everyone else, I’d seen the magazines and Sunday supplements and heard of friends who annually sewed their table mats and matching napkins etc. If there was ever a time for female competition to reach its zenith – it was now.

Well, enough of that. I shan’t be making a complete ginger bread cityscape this year; I shan’t be sewing napkins or making Christmas cake. There are plenty of people who can do these things better than I can, and if I want something special, I shall buy it from one of the many excellent artists and artisans who are trying to earn a living from the same. I love making things and have made most of my cards and some of my presents – but this has been a joy and not a chore. The rule is: if you don’t want to do it, don’t.

Delegate! Think of it as empowering other family members. Christmas activities often fall along gender lines with the males doing the tree and fairy lights and all things technical. Perhaps use this opportunity to teach the girls to do the same and get the boys to help with icing and baking. One of my best Christmases was making a slightly wonky ginger bread castle (complete with Playmobile knights) with my son. Piping icing arrow slits was hilarious. And when other family members are asked to join in the with the fun stuff, they will be more willing to help with more mundane tasks such as peeling vegetables. With everyone in the kitchen and favourite drinks and snacks on hand, even this can become part of the festivities.

Okay, we won’t be winning The Great British Bake Off any time soon – but we did enjoy ourselves!

Keep it simple! Christmas is about spending time together as a family and sharing that most fundamental form of love – a shared meal. Christmas lunch should be special – but it doesn’t need to slavishly follow tradition or break the bank. Agree on what special foods you all love and make your own traditions. Having friends and family over? Well, ask them to contribute one of their favourites. This is normal in the US and I’m glad to see the idea catching on in the UK too. By lessening the load on the host, you will be increasing the pleasure for all.

Games and activities. Once the meal is over, resist the temptation to switch on the TV. Children seldom get the opportunity to play with busy parents, so don’t miss the chance now. Let the kids be the games masters and select and organise the entertainment. Mayhem will doubtless ensue, but hopefully, it will be of a happy kind and at the end, sitting down to a family movie will let everyone wind down and relax.

A perfect Christmas may be a noble ideal, but not a very realistic one-at least if you are me. But we can all achieve a memorable day where every member of the family plays an important part and is reminded that the true spirit of Christmas lies in giving. So I leave you for this year with the wish that you have a day filled with love and laughter. Merry Christmas!

Sing!

There are few experiences more pleasurable than singing. And Christmas offers us endless opportunities to indulge. With weekly carol concerts and choirs in the street, how can we resist the desire to open our throats and ‘make a joyful noise’?

This post is an ode to song, to choirs and choral fellowship. You don’t have to be an Elvis or an Adele to enjoy singing. You don’t have to be physically able. You don’t have to be young. Singing is the most democratic of activities.

The perfect formula for life

Photo by Leonardo Sanches on Unsplash

Why sing?

For me the answer is obvious, because it is enjoyable. Once a week, I go to choir and meet up with a collection of people who are warm, welcoming and enthusiastic about music. Further, it is the opportunity to achieve something as a group; to work together to create something beautiful – literally out of thin air.

Here is a space where we can express any range of emotions with absolute gusto. When we covered ‘This is me’ from The Greatest Showman, each of us found resonance with our own insecurities and imperfections. And together, we were empowered to chorus, ‘Look out ’cause here I come!’

Later, when we sang ‘Bring Him Home’ from Les Miserables, there were quite a few tears in the room from those whose loved ones were not coming home. Were the tears a source of embarrassment? Not at all. We all gave and received hugs and carried on. We found catharsis in the act of singing our grief and having it acknowledged both in the words of the song and by our friends.

One of the most acknowledged benefits of choir is that of creating friendships. There are numerous people I love in choir and some I meet outside the group, but one person particularly has been my companion and support throughout these difficult years. Is it likely I would have befriended a 75 year-old woman from the opposite end of town under any other circumstances? I doubt it. But choir brought us together.

For me, these Abba lyrics sum it up:

Who can live without it?
I ask in all honesty, what would life be?
Without a song or a dance, what are we?
Thank you for the music, Abba

Somewhat surprisingly, in addition to the personal enjoyment element, singing in a choir is physically and psychologically good for you. There has been extensive research in this area and far too much to write here – but these are some of the highlights.

Physical health Benefits

It helps your heart – improving ‘cardiovascular fitness’ and ‘improving lung function’ (Gresham.ac.uk) by making your lungs stronger and easing breathing difficulties . It also helps regulate your heart rate and lowers blood pressure. If you are suffering from a chronic condition, singing may well provide the work-out you need.
Surprisingly, it also boosts the immune system. It may not replace the flu shot, but is a painless way of keeping germs at bay.
There are many more benefits, but this one speaks for all of them. A 2008 Harvard study showed that singing in a choir increased life expectancy!

Psychological benefits

A no side-effect happy pill. When singing, the body releases endorphins which make you feel more cheerful, reduce stress and anxiety. The deep breathing involved only serves to strengthen these benefits.
Being a member of a choir enhances a sense of well-being and belonging
It allows us to express our creative side and if applicable, release our inner diva!
A resounding rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus will inevitably result in a sense of awe which in turn boosts empathy and generosity. Choir singing isn’t just good for you; it’s good for everyone.

Choosing a choir

The good news is that there is a choir out there for everyone. Near me, there are classical, gospel, church, contemporary and rock choirs. Many do a mixture of styles and the best way to see if they are for you is to attend a concert and see if they suit.

I’m a member of a community choir and it contains a mix of very experienced singers and those less confident. We are given sheet music if we ask for it, but most people learn from their CDs/Choir Player App. The results may not be perfect, though I think they are pretty good. Below is a charity video my choir made. I’ll let you judge for yourself.

My choir showing what a community choir can do!

And even if you decide a choir is not for you, I do encourage you to sing – if only in the shower.

Dark Days

As December sets in, the days begin to shorten ever more rapidly, compressing down to a mere eight hours of sunlight when the Earth tilts the furthest from the sun on the winter solstice.

With the weather often dismal, the skies an impenetrable grey, it seems as though dawn and dusk are interchangeable – a long, dull ache separating the night.

These are the dark days.

Life in monochrome Photo by Riccardo Chiarini on Unsplash

To combat this, almost all cultures have created winter festivals that celebrate light to combat the gloom and expel its accompanying sadness. Yet, this very insistence on jollity can itself be a burden for those who find this period of year a difficult one.

Christmas is presented as a time of family reunion, friendship and conviviality, but for many it will be a bitter-sweet reminder of those they have lost. My brother died when he was a young man and I have spent every Christmas since becoming a little unhinged (which fortunately my husband understands) until I have visited the cemetery and laid an evergreen wreath. This year, it will be for my father too. Blessed are those who will not be grieving someone this Christmas.

With the focus on parties and socialising, those suffering from isolation are isolated further. Harsh weather conditions make mobility even more of a mine-field and fragile health will cause many to stay indoors to avoid the risks of cold and flu. But in doing so, they will miss the tonic of friendship which fends off melancholy.

Unfortunately, depression will strike most of us at some point in our lives. Usually, we can shrug it off, but if it continues, we need to have the courage to ask for (and if appropriate) offer help. In certain instances, it is related to the weather. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is most common during the winter months and is worsened by staying inside. If your depression is seasonal, the NHS gives helpful information here: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad/ If your depression has gone beyond what you feel able to cope with, contact your GP or an organisation such as The Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/.

Chiaroscuro – light and shadow

Light and shadow Photo by Jaye Wagner on Unsplash

The great masters knew that the best way to perceive darkness was through the addition of light – that as a sort of optical yin and yang, they were inseparable from each other.

And this is the essence of this post. No-one’s life is composed of solely happy, carefree days any more than a year is filled with temperate, summer ones. Our days, like the weather, shift and change, fleeting as the clouds on the horizon. The assumption that because it is the Christmas season, we will be happy is as misconceived as it is dangerous.

We know very well that this is a period of real mental trial for many. If I have been a bit of a downer in this post, I apologise, but I didn’t want to go full swing into the Christmas period (which I love) without first giving voice to my concerns.

Dark days are not to be shunned and those who experience them outcast. They are reminders of the transitory nature of things and as such to be welcomed and acknowledged with the same grace as any other part of our lives.

So, if you are struggling at this time of year, please know that you are not alone. We just need to hold fast. Brighter days are coming.

The A-Z of Gratitude

As this is Thanksgiving weekend, I thought that an A-Z of gratitude would be in order. In the US, Thanksgiving is a time of reunions, excessive eating and American football, but here we can simply focus on the important bit.

Thanksgiving arrangement Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Giving thanks – even when it feels like there is little to be thankful for.

I know that when life is really hard, it is difficult to find a way to show gratitude. Worse still is when people tell you to be grateful. The, ‘It could be worse…’ conversation that then goes on to recount some truly tragic experience someone is going through, does not help anyone. Those stories are often sad and there is no harm in showing empathy, but they are not our stories – and even more unlikely to be the speaker’s.

Recently, after my daughter-in-law told me about her father’s truly desperate childhood, I said that I felt bad complaining about my situation. She laughed and said, very wisely, that there are always those worse off and that in no way diminishes the difficulties I have had to face. She is definitely on my gratitude list.

After my big relapse and diagnosis, I confess I struggled to find much to be thankful for: the losses seemed too great and too irredeemable. The kindness of hospital staff, friends and my husband kept me from despair and I realised that contrary to current social tendencies to moan about what we lack, I would start from the ground up and be grateful for whatever I had. My experiences with cancer have only reinforced this. There is nothing like having to come to terms with the possibility of premature death to make you happy to draw breath each morning.

So, starting from the basis of, I am alive, I worked with that. I am alive and have all my limbs – even if some are not cooperating; I am alive and have an amazing body that breathes and pumps blood and repairs itself without my even noticing. Jon Kabat-Zinn pointed out rather brilliantly that if you are alive, there is more right with you than wrong. I think that Nina Simone expresses this perfectly in her song ‘Ain’t Got No, I Got Life’. There is much that she doesn’t have, but what she does is the miraculous part. If I had an anthem for those first frightening weeks it was this. I’ll share the final verse.

I got my arms, got my hands / Got my fingers, got my legs
Got my feet, got my toes/ Got my liver/ Got my blood
I’ve got life/ I’ve got my freedom/ Ohhh/ I’ve got life!
Nina Simone, ‘Ain’t Got No, I Got Life’

A-Z of Gratitude

My husband came across this while listening to a podcast and passed it on to me. I later discovered that it is a popular activity at Thanksgiving where you go around the table and think of something to be thankful for beginning with the assigned letter. This is a game that I recommend everyone play.

For me, I like to practice this before I go to sleep (it is wonderfully soporific!) Here’s the first few letters of my A-Z:

A – the apple tree in the garden that maps the seasons
B – Baby Sofia – my granddaughter
C – choir – my happy place
D – The duvet. What is more delightful than the warm hug of a duvet on a winter night?

I continue on through the alphabet until I drop off to sleep with a little smile playing on my lips. On bad nights, I may do two or even three rounds of the alphabet thinking of different things each time. What better way to fall into oblivion than with the realisation that you have 26 (52? 84?) things to be grateful for!

In addition to being an aid to insomnia, there are significant mental health benefits too. Studies have shown that deliberately noting those things we should be grateful for will make life better. According to Psychology Today, ‘Expressing gratitude even when nothing especially gratefulness-triggering is going on can increase your well-being and help regulate stress,’ Andrea Brandt.

Pass it on

Once we get into the habit of feeling gratitude, we can expand the experience to thanking others for their contribution to our happiness. A short thank you note sincerely written, a card or an email, can bring a disproportionate amount of delight to the recipient. Whilst it is true that misery, like a cold, is contagious, so too is the reverse. Those who genuinely feel grateful for whatever blessings they have tend to bring the same attitude to others. A smile evokes a smile; joy sparks joy.

And don’t be afraid to fake it. Bizarrely, smiling from pleasure or smiling because you force your mouth into that position is interpreted the same way by the brain and provides the same positive outcomes. So break out that grin!

Fake it till you make it! Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

There is no doubt that Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday, but it seems foolish to give thanks only once a year. By making this a daily habit, you will make your world a place for which you have a deep and abiding sense of gratitude. And as a bonus, you will help others feel the same way too.

Exercise for the Less Able

Everywhere you look, we are being exhorted to exercise. All our friends seem to have Fitbits which proudly announce the thousands of steps they have taken today and conversations revolve around the latest cool class at the gym. This can make the less able among us feel somewhat left out.

I would dearly love to walk, cycle, swim and play tennis regularly as I used to do. In the past, my body did what I requested of it with only minimal protest. Though recovery was taking longer as I grew older, a walk into town or hours exploring a new city was (excuse the pun) taken in my stride.

Walking to health Photo by Vladimir Kudinov on Unsplash

Now I am very happy to manage a very short walk of five or ten minutes. If I want to get back, I’ll have to rest in between. Having temporarily lost (and regained) the use of my legs, I feel very privileged to be able to walk at all. I know far too many folks who are denied that luxury.

So what should we do? Exercise is not just about killer abs and athletic prowess. It is about ensuring that the complex mechanism that is our body runs to its best performance possible.

Exercise is good for you

This should not come as a surprise to anyone, but what is staggering is the extent to which it can transform our lives. According to the NHS, exercise can reduce the incidence of heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and cancer by up to 50%, which is, I am quite sure, significantly more effective than any number of medications. Indeed:

“If exercise were a pill, it would be one of the most cost-effective drugs ever invented.”
Dr Nick Cavill, a health promotion consultant.

For those of us already tackling one chronic medical condition, it is especially important that we do not add another to our already heavy burden. Unfortunately, having a illness such as MS is going to make it even more likely that we acquire another, since for many of us, mobility is compromised. However, this doesn’t need to be the case. But first, I want to convince you why making an effort to exercise is worthwhile.

Exercise is good for your mental as well as your physical health.

As countless studies have shown, exercise makes us feel better. It improves mood, self-esteem and increases our energy levels. It helps to combat stress and depression. How? I think this operates in a variety of ways. When we exercise in a group, we ensure that we get out and meet people and this alleviates feelings of isolation. When we have the satisfaction of achieving a goal, our self-esteem rises and our mood improves. And the more you exercise, paradoxically, the more energy you will have.

By helping us keep a healthy weight and a healthy appearance, it is also adding to our self-esteem. By enabling us to sleep better, it most certainly improves out mood. And happy, healthy people tend to evoke a more positive response from others, bolstering our sense of self-worth further. Exercise creates its own virtuous circles.

Through increasing our muscle and bone strength, we will be improving our ability to perform everyday tasks such as climbing stairs or hanging out the washing. Increasing our independence is always a good thing.

Few things improve our mood better than a good swim Photo by Haley Phelps on Unsplash

Exercise is good for the brain

What is not so well published is that exercise (through systems too complicated to explain here and that I only vaguely understand) will help with our cognitive ability. In addition to reducing the incidences of dementia and Alzheimer’s, it actually aids us in our thinking. And article in The Atlantic puts it this way,

While different studies arrive at moderately different conclusions via various routes, the recent research of dozens of scientists more often than not converges at a single intersection. And that consistently suggests that if you exercise, your brain will be fitter than if you don’t. This applies to the young, those in the prime of their days, and especially to the elderly.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/walking-for-a-better-brain/380066/

Indeed, coupled with a healthy diet, exercise can inhibit the effects of ageing and the progression of neurological conditions :

…Exercise and dietary management appear as a noninvasive and effective strategy to counteract neurological and cognitive disorders

The influence of Exercise on Cognitive Abilities
Fernando Gomez-Pinilla^1,* and Charles Hillman²

Careful exercise has no side-effects, yet can effectively slow the deterioration of the brain that accompanies MS and other neurological conditions. I shall look at this in greater detail in a future post, but for now, it is best to think of exercise as a work-out for your brain as well as your body.

How much exercise is enough?

Not everyone will be able to meet the guideline amounts now or perhaps ever, but what is important is doing as much as you are able for as long as you are able. Inactivity is actually bad for your health, so it is best to move a little and often. Personally, I try not to sit for more than one hour without getting up for a drink or just to stretch my back and legs. Tempting though it is to watch one more episode of a box set or check social media again, we should resist this and at least get up for a cup of tea.

Those who have recently suffered a relapse may well find any activity a real challenge. I understand that. When I first started to walk, it felt like someone sticking stakes up my kneecaps and into my thighs. The shortest distance was agony; leaving me exhausted and close to tears. But once I was assured by my physio that I was not actually doing myself any harm (though my body seemed to be telling me otherwise), I persevered. It took a while, but gradually, the pain retreated and I was able to go further and further. I won’t be running a marathon any time soon or indeed running at all, but being able to walk to the end of the garden, around a small supermarket and to the post box is certainly good enough for me.

Aiming higher

That said, I always believe in reaching for the very best that I can achieve. Government guidelines suggest that we aim for 150 minutes of moderately intensive exercise per week. This is quite a lot, but it does promise substantial gains.

Moderately intensive exercise means that we can talk while doing it but not sing. Intensive activity means you are using all your breath to breathe and talking normally would be impossible. Ideally, we want to mix in a little of each.

So what are the options open to the less able? I often read about the pleasures of running and street cycling etc for the disabled. Really? It may be true that some can enjoy these activities, but I suspect it is not for the majority. But there are other activities that suit just fine.

For my cardio exercise, I have a recumbent exercise bike and cycle 5km every morning while bopping along to my ‘Happy’ play list on my phone. I started at 1km and working up to my current distance took much less time than I imagined. I’m exhausted by the end of it and look forward to my shower, but I’m also elated. I’ve achieved something and feel better all day.

To help with my strength and balance, I do lying down yoga, ideally, twice a week. For this I have a CD, but you may prefer to use YouTube videos or a class. I was going to provide a link here, but there are too many options for seated yoga or MS yoga to choose from!

I also love Qi Gong and have given you a little taster here with Lee Holden who is a clear and friendly instructor.

Swimming is a good option for many as is gentle walking. It really doesn’t matter what you do as long as you enjoy it and can incorporate it into your daily lives. Short and regular is better than an exhausting, lengthy session followed by inaction.

We may be less able, but we are seldom unable and until we have that excuse, let’s push to achieve our optimum fitness. Your body will thank you for it.

A word of caution

Before you begin, it is advisable to consult your with your health professionals to ensure that any exercise routine you embark upon is suitable for you.