When Life Gives You Lemons

If you have…

Wise words. Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Cicero – famed orator, lawyer and politician was certainly wise. So, it is interesting that his most well-known quote is that above. Like most wisdom, it is not shaken by the passing of millennia. Indeed, his words are especially pertinent now that we live in urban environments where green spaces and white pages are being replaced by concrete and screens.

This quote lives on because it encapsulates all that is important for our well-being. Books and gardens are the ultimate holistic therapy, nourishing as they do our minds, our bodies and our spirits; bringing us balance and harmony.

What have the Romans ever done for us?

The Romans were mad about libraries and no self-respecting household would have been without one. These libraries were usually modest affairs made up of little more than an alcove or cupboard containing books. The library would be divided into two sections: one for Latin and the other for Greek texts.

It would be impossible to estimate the value of Latin learning upon modern civilisation. It is said that Petrach’s discovery of Cicero’s letters alone initiated the Italian (and then our own) Renaissance. Roman learning and oratory underpin the very foundations of our legal system, language and literature.

The value of books

Old books Image: Chris Lawton on Unsplash

Only the elite in Rome would have had a library. Books were prohibitively expensive, since prior to Gutenberg’s printing press, they were written by hand.

We, in contrast, have unlimited access to books. We can borrow them from public libraries, buy inexpensive ones from charity shops and modestly priced ones from our local book shop. Books are everywhere and the choices, when we add in the internet, are limitless.

Why read?

This is a question that I often ask my students and depressingly discover that it is something for which they seldom have much of an answer. Schools rarely ‘sell’ the idea of books and this is a real shame. They are seen as means of improving spelling and perhaps sources of information or entertainment, but not much else.

Books, of course, do much more than improve our language skills. Their most important function is to give the brain a good mental workout. Our minds need to be exercised as much as our bodies and the benefits are huge. Reading has been shown to: improve communication skills; reduce brain deterioration in old age; reduce stress (by up to 68%); increase creativity; improve inter-personal skills and empathy; increase our vocabularies and induce better sleep. Ideally, we should read books in their paper format for the best results.

The benefits to the workings of the mind are well documented, but I would also like to include the benefits that they can offer to our souls. Whatever our spiritual inclinations, there are books that can help and teach us. Reading is a slow process and so we have time to contemplate what is written at our leisure. I often read a few pages or a chapter, put the book down and think. I regularly reread books that I find particularly helpful to glean every last ounce of wisdom from them. (I’m on the third reading of Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth).

Good literature too can have insights we might find valuable to our lives. A great deal of wisdom can be found in poetry, plays and fiction. Through reading we are opening ourselves up to other ways of seeing the world. We may not adopt them, but we at least have a better understanding.

Of course, one of the best places to read is the garden and when the weather is inclement, I retire to my ‘story shed’. Reading outside enables us to combine life’s two essentials.

The perfect combination! Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Gardens are especially wonderful because they provide an opportunity to improve our physical, mental and spiritual health.

The green workout

Those of you who garden are well aware that it is strenuous. Gardening is one of the best ways to exercise, burning a whopping 330 calories an hour. Yet, unlike many forms of exercise, it doesn’t really feel like work. Minutes and hours pass by in a sort of trance and as we stand to stretch out backs, we are often shocked by the amount of time that has passed.

My current situation means that I can only garden for very limited stretches of time (if I do not wish to end up face down in the dirt) but by careful management, I can do several short bursts. It may not make me fit, as such, but it keeps me mobile and I’ll take that.

Even if we don’t do much physical work, we can still benefit. We gain vitamin D from sunlight and B vitamins from the soil. A good play in the dirt is a great way to release all those micro-organisms that aid our gut and therefore our digestion. If we grow our own vegetables and herbs, we will eat more healthily too.

Garden therapy

Garden or horticultural therapy is nothing new, though it sadly fell out of favour for a while when modern medicines became the main ‘cure’ for mental disorders.

Fortunately, the benefits of the garden on the mind are being ‘rediscovered’ with brilliant work being done for all sorts of groups – from Alzheimers’ patients, to soldiers suffering from PTSD to young people with extreme anxiety and depression.

All of us will suffer from anxiety or low mood at some point in our lives. We all have to deal with grief, disappointment and anxiety. And the best therapy is, literally, on our doorstep.

If you are interested in how this works in detail, I cannot recommend highly enough Sue Stuart-Smith’s book The Well Gardened Mind. But for those who want a quick overview, numerous studies have proven that gardens bring numerous benefits, including: reducing stress and anxiety; promoting relaxation; cultivating a spirit of acceptance (since we can tend our garden but not control it); empathy through the nurturing of plants and lastly in bringing us hope. The winter may be severe – but we know that spring will follow.

The beauty of flowers

We should never underestimate the role of beauty in our lives – not the airbrushed variety in magazines, but the real beauty of nature.

I work at my garden all the time and with love. What I need most are flowers, always.
Claude Monet

And of all the plants in the garden, flowers are the showstoppers. Modern brain imaging techniques can illustrate how beauty literally fires up the pleasure centres in our brains causing us to release dopamine and serotonin – happy hormones – at the same time as our own opiods. ‘Hence, beauty calms and revitalises us at the same time.’ (Sue Stuart-Smith)

Flowers also play a role in our spiritual life. They are often used in religious teaching (Buddha’s flower sermon/ Jesus’ ‘Consider the lilies’) because they are such perfect emblems of a divine order. And there are few religious festivals which do not have flowers at their very heart.

Contemplation of the perfect symmetry of a flower, is an excellent mindfulness technique and one I have used often when feeling a little fraught. Some flowers bring the additional benefit of fragrance and some, like the rose and lavender have well-known calming qualities.

So next time you see a flower – stop and smell it. I guarantee it will improve your day.

Garden roses – the scent of summer Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

I appreciate that not everyone will have access to a large garden, but the benefits I have written about hold true even if you only have a window box or a few flowers on the window sill or blooms in a vase. Books, as I have already said, are freely available. And if you have both? You have everything you need.

In Praise of the Ordinary

At one of my book group meetings, we were asked who we admired most – living or dead. What followed were the usual replies: Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King … Without doubt, all of these deserved our utmost respect for both their courage and compassion. But when it came to my turn, I said, ‘The church ladies’. A slightly uncomfortable pause followed. If I could have seen the thought bubbles around the room, they would have read: ‘Who? ‘What?’ ‘Why them?’

So I explained. While I admired all the other folks they mentioned, I especially admired the ones who never received any public recognition and very little reward. I wanted to recognise them.

When my children were tiny, I attended and later ran the Mums and Toddlers group in the church hall. It was open to everyone and provided a haven for me on Wednesday mornings. We were made hot cups of tea; the children were entertained and we had a chance to relax and chat with other mums. This was possible because of the ‘church ladies’ who came each week to brew and wash up, drag out toys and take the register.

A place to play : Image Markus Spiske on Unsplash

These kind souls performed innumerable other tasks throughout the week. As my children grew, they offered age related services from Sunday school to youth group. Though they taught Christian values, they never proselytised. They taught instead the invaluable lesson of gracious giving, a model of love through action.

And in these extraordinary times, I would like to thank those other, ordinary people who are often overlooked, though their contribution to our well-being is immense.

My first is the refuse collectors. While listening to the news one day recently, the presenter said that they were hoping to maintain regular collections. For a moment, I was panic struck. What if they didn’t? With these warm days, rubbish would soon begin to fester, vermin would multiply, further diseases would manifest themselves on top of the current virus.

Thank goodness for the refuse collectors! Image: Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

Only when faced with their loss did I fully appreciate their presence. Our health and well-being relied on this humble occupation. I asked my husband to put a wee note on the bins to say thank you. It seemed the least we could do.

My second group is also one which is almost universally overlooked, yet fundamental to the functioning of any town. These are the council workers – often overworked, certainly underpaid and generally the butt of jokes. Their roles are seldom glamorous and historically, they have not been seen as especially helpful. Like any office, there will be the ‘computer says no’ types, but the majority are doing their best with limited resources of both time and money.

Volunteering with the Citizens Advice has given me a much better insight into the insurmountable task these people are given. The Corona virus has intensified pressures, causing job losses in the town and increasing the need for public assistance. And it was through CitA that I discovered that the local Job Centre had processed a staggering 3,000 Universal Credit applications in record time. In their efforts to keep the wait for benefits as low as possible (it’s already five weeks after processing) they worked overtime and through the bank holiday. I doubt that their efforts will hit the headlines nor that the recipients would have any clue of the sacrifices made on their behalf, but I do, and so now do you.

A different way to shop: Image: Guiseppe Argenziano on Unsplash

And lastly, I want to thank everyone who is keeping us fed from the farmers to supermarket shop assistants – especially the shop assistants. While media inches were spent (quite rightly) on the dearth of PPE for medical staff, shop assistants were asked each and every day to encounter hundreds of customers with no protection at all. Though this has improved, I doubt it is perfect.

Since I am self-isolating, we shop online and our deliveries come at the most varied times – sometimes as late as ten in the evening. We always make sure to thank the drivers, who are invariably cheery and polite, despite it being the end of a long day.

So my request to you is this. When standing outside on Thursday evening applauding the valiant efforts of the NHS, I ask you to clap for all the others who quietly go about their tasks and whose commitment and diligence make such a contribution to our lives.

Whenever possible, by a note or a friendly wave, thank those who help us. Feeling valued goes a long way to alleviating the stress and difficulty of any job.

And lastly, when the crisis is over, let us all champion those who have served us in these difficult times. These ordinary people are the foundations of our society just as the church ladies were the foundation of the church. We can take their efforts for granted or we can truly applaud them by making sure they are recompensed with fair pay and decent working conditions. We depend on them; let’s make sure that they can depend on us.

Celebrating During Corona

A few days ago, I celebrated my birthday. It was not the usual extended festivities involving coffee dates, lunch and afternoon tea. It was not even an ‘at home’ with friends popping in and out and consuming vast quantities of tea and cake. Instead, it was something much quieter and from which I ventured no further than my front door.

Was this a disappointment or a sorry affair? Not at all. I had a joyful few days and felt incredibly spoiled and loved (just as one should on one’s birthday). It was different, certainly, but no less wonderful.

What made this birthday extra special and memorable was the incredible creativity and flexibility of friends in the face of adversity. The Blitz spirit is clearly alive and well.

Socialising from a distance

Though I seriously miss not being able to hug anyone, I haven’t missed good company. Some friends came and sat in the sunshine in my front garden; others came to the door, then stepped several yards back to chat. Those further away were in touch via video calls and my son and his girlfriend did a brilliant rendition of Happy Birthday on her new Mexican clay flute (ocarina).

This virus has, if nothing else, brought us back to the essentials. Big parties, luxurious meals and outings are wonderful – and I hope to enjoy them again soon – but they are not necessary to show that we care. All we need to do for that is to turn up: in the real or the virtual world.

Make, do and mend

Since many of my friends are themselves isolating, or at least trying to go out as little as possible, obtaining something as simple as a birthday card becomes a problem. I’m delighted to say that this hindered no-one. I received many skilful cards: some were recycled prettily, some were painted or created from craft materials at hand. All were beautiful. I couldn’t include every one in the picture below, so I’ve included an array that display an amazing breadth of ingenuity from kirigami, spoof CDs to original art works.

Some people are just too talented. Cards clockwise: Jenny Ellis, Jenny Timberlake, Jane Cockburn, Penny Smith and Jeff Costello-McFeat Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

That’s all very well for the artistically gifted, I hear you say. But talent is an optional extra. I had one brilliant card from a college friend who wrote Happy Birthday Karen on the front and then drew a square below which read ‘Space for picture (if I had any artistic talent)’! There is the option too for colouring (adult style) as with Penny’s above or recycling an old card with a new backing. The possibilities really are endless.

Made with love

If cards were hard to come by, gifts were almost impossible. None of the usual shops were open and choices at supermarkets strictly limited. Of course, one could shop on-line to find thoughtful presents, and many did, but others went further still to make gifts that I will treasure for many years to come.

All the above required a considerable amount of skill and effort and that, in addition to their bespoke qualities, made them especially valuable to me.

We are not all, unfortunately, experts at craft, but finding perfect gifts even under lock-down is possible for everyone. We can buy local. I received some delicious honey from a friend whose neighbour is a bee keeper. We can pick some flowers from the garden or pot up some seedlings that will make a joyful display in the weeks to come. We can bake cakes or other goodies that we know our friends love. We can even venture into the amazing world of YouTube where it is possible to discover how to make absolutely anything. I’ve been making beeswax wraps with my husband recently and I hope the recipients of these enjoy them as much as we enjoyed making them.

Potted and ready to grow! From my green-fingered friend Sue Moorton Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Seeds, seedlings and young plants are always a great gift and when finances are tight, as they are for many at the moment, an affordable option. Generosity is measured not in the amount that we spend but the time/thought that we spend. At least for me!

Same again next year?

It is quite possible that some restrictions will be in place next year. We can chafe at this, or we can embrace it. Either way, we cannot control the spread of the virus nor the steps needed to contain it.

If you had explained the current situation to me a few months ago, I would have baulked at the impossibility of having any satisfactory social life under such conditions and predicted a miserable birthday. How wrong I would have been. In the true spirit of ‘making the best of things’, my friends have proven that with determination and imagination, external events need not bring us down. On the contrary, they have demonstrated that overcoming obstacles brings the sweetest victory.

Fighting Shadows

One of the hardest things to deal with when coping with MS is the constant fear of deterioration that hangs above at all hours of the day and night (especially night). They are inchoate fears: some concerned with physical decline; some with mental losses and some with the impact these will have on relationships.

When I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2018, the fear of my imminent demise was added (or at least a slow and painful one in the future). If the MS diagnosis had felt like a death sentence, this was one that brought my execution date forward by several years.

Everything I had felt and was dealing with up to this point was magnified ten-fold and all the work I had done to cope was suddenly stretched to breaking point. I was delighted that I had the practice of yoga and meditation in place, but I was not sure that it was enough to manage this.

The fog of uncertainly Photo by Ankhesenamun on Unsplash

Intimations of mortality

We all know that we will die and accept, to some degree, our mortality. When it gets up close and personal; however, most of us tend to wobble a bit. In my case, my coping strategy was not so much to resolve my fear of dying, but to embrace it. In some ways the pressure of this fear was just too much and I dealt with it by imagining, at some level, that I was already dead. No, I did not build a coffin and climb in – though I did something similar psychologically.

I became someone who observed life, enjoyed much of it, although I didn’t really think of it as real. The Buddhist idea of life being a dream made absolute sense and I deliberately chose to sleep-walk through it. (Most people sleep-walk too, yet, they are not conscious of the choice.) If life isn’t real, my faulty reasoning went, then it cannot hurt me. I can disengage from relationships and avoid the pain of losing those I love.

My diagnosis gave me a 75% survival rate increasing to 80% with all sorts of revolting therapies. This sounds good until you turn it into rations. A 3:4 or 4:5 isn’t bad. A one in four or five chance of dying isn’t great either.

So, I had to get my head around this. Six months of intense treatments followed: surgery, chemotherapy and lastly radiotherapy. The chemotherapy part was so revolting that I told my husband that I would never go through it again under any circumstances.

After all this, I would just have to wait and see if it worked. My MS was blessedly inactive. Having a very compromised immune system is a great way to keep MS in check. Mine was barely functioning.

The poison cure Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

Salvation

Salvation came, strangely enough, in a novel. It was a good if not great one (The Immortalists). The twin themes were that you cannot live your life in fear. Doing so is likely to make that fear come true. (Think of the advice to never look at a tree when skiing, or you will probably plough into it.) The second was the old chestnut, so easily said, but so hard to follow, that life must be lived in the present without concern for the future or compromised by the past.

In my ‘Eureka!’ moment, I realised that rather than ‘playing dead’, I should play at living. If time is short, then I should suck the very marrow out of life while I can. To do this, I need to be fearless. If I die tomorrow, next year, or in a decade, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I live now.

I also came to the slightly scary realisation that my negative attitude might actually be contributing to my demise. In a sort of reverse placebo effect, my belief that life was effectively over, might well make this happen.

My MS had begun to make itself apparent at a period of extreme distress in my life. At times, life felt an unbearable burden, and perhaps my body took this as an instruction to dismantle itself. My cancer occurred after a year of anxiety caused by the possibility that my nephew, my mother and my husband might have the disease. The irony, of course, is that the only person who did have cancer was me. All the stress cannot have helped me. Nor did it in anyway benefit anyone else.

A change of perspective

Despite the fact that I will never be well, I can attempt to live well. I have revised the hope that I will live to see my granddaughter reach five to seeing her graduation and even marriage. And why not? If this is not possible, it’s not, but why deprive myself of the pleasure of anticipation?

This was really what the Buddha was about (I think) when saying life was a dream. We are caught up so completely in our perception of life that we forget that it is only that – our perception and not the reality.

It is time to stop fighting the shadows and step into the light. The shadows will always be there, but if we face the sun, they will fall behind us.

Turn your face to the sun Photo by 𝕷𝖚𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ on Unsplash

Learn a Language!

There are few things more challenging or rewarding than learning a language. For the past ten years, I have been trying to learn Swedish. My progress has been intermittent at best, but I am now dedicated to a few short lessons every day. I began when my son spent six months studying in Lund, Southern Sweden. I imagined long visits and extended stays, but as often happens in life, things didn’t go to plan. In the end, I only got to spend 48 hours there!

So my studies trailed off, but my intention to master the language and eventually spend some time there never did. My love of all things Scandinavian, like all good obsessions, started young. When I was six or seven, my family was due to travel to Denmark for a farm holiday. I was ecstatic and convinced (don’t ask me why) that this was the location of Enid Blyton’s Faraway Tree . For some reason involving travel supplements I didn’t understand, the holiday was cancelled and I was heart-broken. I consoled myself with Moomins and Mrs Pepperpot and found, as I grew older, that my love for this region had not abated. If anything it had grown: I loved Scandinavian design, thrillers and their eminently sensible way of life.

Flying the Swedish flag Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Language reveals who we are

I think that we all have countries other than our own for which we have an affinity or at least a passionate curiosity. Learning the languages of these countries will not only give us the ability to converse with the natives, but to access the intricacies of their literature and culture. Reading texts in the original, as all bilingual speakers will tell you, is infinitely richer than reading in translation. Why? Because words, phrases and idioms resonate far beyond their meaning. They express something about the very essence of the country.

My husband’s old boss (who was Swedish) puzzled over why we had so many words for the same thing in English. ‘Take the word road,’ he said. ‘Swedish has three words; you have dozens.’ So what does this tell us? I think that it shows the pragmatism of Swedes, a, ‘Call a spade a spade’ approach . And what it reveals about the English is our preoccupation with precision, the right naming of things, the tremendous possibilities of language. We have the largest vocabulary in the world and a very long list of words for road, all subtly different from one another. See how many you can come up with.

The family tree of language

English is fascinating because it is derived from and related to so many other languages. At root, an Indo-European language with a strong Germanic base, it is seasoned with French, Latin and any number of other borrowings. When learning another language, these relationships become more apparent. We see that our ‘foreign’ neighbours are not so foreign. Since I have a Scottish background, there are even more Swedish words that seem familiar: hus , grat and barn are very similar in pronunciation to the Scottish, hoos (house), greet (cry) and bairn (child). I love these connections, because they highlight my history. It is woven into our words.

Brain training through language learning

Though I doubt I shall be getting to Sweden any time soon, I am diligently following my course. This time I chose Duo-Lingo, as it allows you to review your learning constantly, and I, for one, need endless reminding. My goal is to be fluent enough that I can read Pippi Longstocking in the original and to spend a month in one of the many little lake-side holiday cabins one summer.

This may take some time. Pippi Longstocking in the original: Photo Karen Costello-McFeat

Yet, I have a more important reason for following this rather whimsical path. Learning a complex language such as Swedish is seriously challenging for my brain. With a neurological condition like MS, the brain is constantly being assaulted and sadly, mine has plenty of legions. But I am a great believer in neuroplasticity – the idea that, with work, we can reroute the brain and keep it functioning.

If nothing else, I am also getting older and ageing affects the functioning of the brain just as it stiffens our joints and depletes our energy. The good news is that just as keeping fit and healthy diminishes the effects of ageing on the body, mind training can do the same for the brain. The bad news is that the ‘no pain, no gain’ rule applies. Just as a five-minute walk each day won’t give you a significant physical benefit, nor will a desultory look at the crossword. We really need to stretch and challenge the brain to reap the rewards. This is where language learning comes into its own. Language learning is difficult. It requires masses of concentration, learning new words and untangling the complexities of a foreign grammar for a start. And it is these strenuous mental gymnastics that force the brain to create new neural pathways and ‘keep fit’.

Research consistently shows that, ‘Learning a second language benefits cognitive abilities like intelligence and memory, while lowering risks of brain aging, dementia, and Alzheimer’s’ https://bebrainfit.com/benefits-learning-second-language/ All of these are surely great objectives.

Now is always the best time to begin

So, if you have been meaning to learn a new language, now would be a great time to start. Being stuck at home is not even an obstacle, since there are endless options available online from Podcasts to interactive lessons and, when normal life resumes, community colleges and private tutors offer a variety of courses. There really is something for everyone – even Star Trek fans. They can learn Klingon.

I have a dream. Living in a house by the lake. Photo by Inès d’Anselme on Unsplash

Ghost Life

My diary for March was filled with good things: visits from friends and relatives; meals out and any number of coffee dates. April too was keenly anticipated with a weekend away to Oxford and tickets to see some of my favourite authors at the literary festival. May was even better. We were going to the US to spend ten days in the Hamptons with my family. What a wonderful year! And then, on Tuesday 17 March, all plans were void, all visits cancelled.

Life BC (before Corona) and AC (after) Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Where once were appointments, were now cancellations. Because of potential problems resulting from my MS, I self-isolated early and absolutely. I noted 9 June in my diary, as that was the initial date when we could safely emerge into the world. It seemed a very long time away. And until I reached that date, I would flick through the pages and see what I was supposed to be doing. The exercise was unnerving. It created a sort of ghost life, one running parallel to this surreal existence bordered by my boundary lines.

Ghosts of the past

Now, five weeks on, I reflect on life before the virus with nostalgia, as if it was from another era entirely. How I loved those craft mornings with friends, trips to Birling Gap, weekly calligraphy and choir lessons! Intimate chats with companions now seem like a luxury. I miss all these things deeply and each time the days when I would normally engage in them come around, I am haunted by their absence.

Ghosts of the future

All those hopes for the future, all those dates in the diary which promised such happy times were now evaporating. The squiggles on the page, which represented such joyful expectation, now taunt me. When I reached the date where I had noted the need to renew my ESTA (American travel visa) and get my travel insurance, I wanted to cry. Daydreams of days spent on the beach, cuddles and stories with my granddaughter, outings with my son and daughter-in-law were just that: dreams. Yet, my visualisation of them felt so real. Now, it is like looking at a Polaroid print moving in reverse, the image gradually fading to white.

My hefty, page to a day diary remains on my desk (I do need to remind myself what day it is) yet the pages remain sulkily blank. Here’s June’s entries:

Nothing to look forward to? Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Like Scrooge’s ghost of the future, mine does not fill me with optimism. Like everyone, I wish I knew when this would end and, as the days and weeks pass, I realise that there is no answer to that and certainly not one that would cheer me. My mood dips and soars on a daily basis, the uncertainty of it all enervating.

Any time but now

Yet, in my wiser moments, I remember that life has always been like this. We spend endless thought, time and energy reflecting on the past and anticipating the future. Regret, nostalgia, optimism and fear are entirely human emotions, which colour our feelings and, in extreme cases, unbalance our mental health. While in the thrall of such emotions, they feel absolutely real, yet they exist outside of the actual and in the realm of thought only. Few of these emotions bring us contentment: our optimism is often misplaced just as our fears are often unrealised. Like the folkloric Will-o-the-Wisps, their intangible luminosity often leads us to bogs of despair.

Meeting Will-o-the-Wisp Image: An 1882 oil painting of a will-o’-the-wisp by Arnold Böcklin.

Putting the ghosts to rest

Living in a constant state of uncertainty, and even fear, is the fate of most of us in this unprecedented era. Many will find it unbearable and their health will suffer. But, if this blog is about anything, it is about coping with new and often unnerving change with grace.

We need to lay the ghosts of the past and the future to rest and focus on the only thing that we can control-how we conduct ourselves at this very moment. The world will not be the same for years to come. And though we cannot alter this, we can play our own small part in making the future a positive one. If we can receive each moment with gratitude and act in the interest of others wherever possible (and simply staying at home is beneficial), we can incrementally build a world that is kinder and gentler. And I, for one, think it worth the effort.

Changing the Narrative

We are all expert storytellers: weaving the flotsam and jetsam of our daily lives into a coherent and meaningful tale of existence. We expand on the interesting and unusual while we toss the mundane. We draft and redraft until we have a narrative that we believe accurately and elegantly tells our truth.

Unfortunately, this is not the whole story. What we select and what we choose to ignore tells as much. Of course, we cannot include everything, but what we do tends to fit into grooves of thinking we have worn over decades. What we see and how we interpret it is defined by our histories, our temperaments and our social views. We are not so much what we eat as what we think.

At first, this suggestion seems unnerving. It is deeply uncomfortable to realise that our view of things might simply be wrong or misguided. (Which is not to say that someone else’s is the truth. It is simply their truth.)

What will your story be? Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

But to realise that our reality is malleable, flexible, subject to revisions is infinitely liberating. We are living through unprecedented and disorientating times. And although we cannot ultimately combat the deadly virus that swirls around us, we can choose how we respond to it.

Due to my health, my husband and I have self-quarantined for a month now. We have gone no further than the post box down the road and spoken to no-one in person other than the neighbours from a safe distance over the fence. Is it weird? Yes. Is it frustrating? Of course. But do I need to make this time a tale of woe? No.

From the bare facts, this could easily have been a narrative of boredom and isolation, but if we deliberately choose to rewrite it, we can. For years, I have longed to go on retreat, to have time to think and read and create without the world’s intrusion. This proved a classic example of, ‘Be careful what you wish for!’

When I discovered that I would have a minimum of twelve weeks of ‘retreat’ ahead of me, it felt a little overwhelming. How could I possibly fill my days? I took a bit of time to work out some daily tasks and projects I would like to complete. Clearly, I was over-ambitious, as my to-do list is still very long. Against all expectations, last month has been one of the happiest.

Having my husband home has been a delight, since most of our married life, work has kept us apart. Mealtimes are a celebration (not least because food can no longer be taken for granted), my house and garden have never looked so loved and my Swedish is coming on admirably.

My friends have all been brilliant at keeping in touch via various social media platforms and regular phone calls. On the days when I would normally get together with someone, we telephone instead and keep each other up-to-date that way. It is not the same as sharing a coffee, but it keeps our bonds strong. Even the kids have been better at video calling, and I get to read stories to my infant granddaughter.

Excellent advice! Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

And I never fail to be amazed by the creativity and ingenuity of others who have found ways not only to overcome adversity but to triumph. I’m stopping for my on-line choir in a moment; wonderful friends are using their sewing skills to help make protective equipment for front-line workers; others are visiting and doing shopping for those who can’t do it themselves.

If we change the narrative from one of victimhood (I’m isolated, bored, restricted) to one of gratitude (I have my home, my family, my friends etc) we can entirely reshape our experience.

I do not say this flippantly. I fully appreciate that we are only at the beginning of these very uncertain times. And though we may be the authors of our lives, we cannot control the twists and turns of plot. What we can control is the central character – us.

It takes effort to swim against the tide of anxiety and terrifying headlines; it takes effort to constantly think of ways to ‘make the best of things’. But however difficult it is to keep writing comedy while tragedy is all around us, I for one am hoping for a happy ending.

Your Day

What better way to round off a series of posts on living beautifully than with you? These last few weeks have left us all frazzled. We have had to be infinitely flexible as, weekly, our worlds have shifted under our feet. Some of us have moved from home working to furlough, most of us are concerned about the financial implications and all of us, I’m sure, are worried that we or someone we love will succumb to this hideous virus.

Amazingly, everyone I know is keeping upbeat and doing everything they can to keep things ‘normal’. My choir (and my teaching) have gone on-line, neighbours are checking in on each other, my WattsApp account is filled daily with joyful photos and hilarious clips. But when your husband has to get up in the middle of the night to secure a slot for your grocery delivery; the furthest you have walked is to the mail box and the only other people you have spoken to in person are your neighbours over the fence, eventually, one starts to sag.

My antidote is this. Give yourself a day in which you nurture yourself; a day in which the worries of life are banished; a day in which you both live beautifully and make yourself beautiful. This spa day will cost you pennies, but I hope will refresh and recharge you for the weeks ahead. Ideally, take a whole day to do this, but if this is not possible, pick out the bits that appeal and do them. A little self-care can do wonders.

Preparations

Choose a day and put it in the diary. Easter is almost upon us, so everyone should have some days off
Make sure that you have clean fluffy towels to emulate a spa experience
Find all those lotions and potions that you have stuck in the back of the drawer, because you never have time to use them. Now is the time.
Have some delicious snacks available and a jug of water to hydrate and detox
Have the ingredients ready for a simple lunch and dinner too (or even better, get someone to make it for you)
Do no housework or other chores. There is always tomorrow for that
As promised, this is an economical spa with luxurious results. In addition to your choice of beauty products, everything you need should be in your kitchen. And all the media links will be here – so all you have to do is press play!

The schedule

A great day starts from a good night’s rest. If like me, sleeping is always a bit of a hit and miss affair, start your day whenever you feel ready to face the world. If that is closer to lunch-time, so be it. This is your day for indulgence.

A mug of hot water is always the best way to cleanse the system – but if you reach for a coffee – I won’t tell. Just try to stick to water from now on.

An empower shower

This is not your usual dash in and out affair. Take your time. Play with all those fun lotions that you never remember to use. (I’m going to be using a body scrub that has sat in my chest of drawers for too long!) Wash and condition your hair.

These lovely beauty products are about to be put to use Photo: Karen Costello-mcFeat

While your body is clean and damp, apply body moisturiser generously remembering your poor feet and ankles. After chemo, my skin still has not resumed its usual elasticity and I sometime feel I resemble a reptile more closely than a human, but I shall be using something fragrant and special on my spa day and leaving the industrial E45 moisturising lotion for another time.

Apply a face mask

This is something that I never do, but really should. I’ve made up a recipe from ingredients I had and you can adapt to what you have available. Since honey is at a bit of a premium at the moment, I’ve gone for a simpler version using oats and olive oil. (If you have almond oil, that is even better.)

A face mask that is good enough to eat! Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Rose and oat mask

To make the mask, simply mix a scant 1/2 cup of rolled oats with 2 tablespoons of rose water and 2 tablespoons of plain water. (Or all water) Stir well. The oats should be just damp. Mix in 1 teaspoon of rose petals if you have them plus 1 tablespoon of olive oil. Leave to infuse. Makes enough for two+

When you are ready for your mask, simply scoop the mixture into your hands and rub over your face, neck and upper chest. Place two slices of cucumber over your eyes, lay back and relax for 15 minutes. Rinse off the mask with warm water, splash with cold water and pat dry.

Your face will look radiant and taut.

A little mani-pedi

By now, you should be feeling relaxed and lovely. There is one last thing to do and that is to trim, moisturise and pamper your hard working hands and feet. This is usually a task I do quickly and efficiently, but for my spa day, I took my time, massaged my feet, rubbed any dry parts with moisturiser and took care to trim my nails as nicely as possible. Some of you may wish to add some varnish, but since I spend half my life pulling bindweed from the garden, painted nails are not for me!

Refresh!

After all that ‘hard’ work, it’s time to recharge with some lovely, minty cucumber water and perhaps a light lunch!

After lunch, make space for an activity that is just for you. I love making flower arrangements, reading a book or even taking a nap. Yesterday, I joined my on-line choir for a good sing. Whatever will refresh you – do it!

Bringing inspiration in Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Yoga

After all this pampering, a little gentle exercise is in order. I use an excellent CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn, but you may have another instructor that you love. Yoga and other activities such as Qi Gong, Thai Chi or a good walk are a perfect way to end the day.

Dressing for dinner

Now you are looking tremendous and feeling relaxed, it’s time to enjoy a good meal. Dress for dinner and put on make-up if you would normally. If you are isolated, book a video chat with a friend or family member and share your meal that way.

The rest of the evening is yours to enjoy, though I would advise against too much social media or any news. We don’t want to destroy that lovely equilibrium.

And just before you go to bed, I’d recommend a short meditation. You can reflect on your day quietly or follow a guided meditation. The one below is my favourite.

A great way to end the day

When I first started thinking about this blog, I envisaged a day of pampering and self-indulgence. But what I found when I did it, was that it was a day of honouring my body. It was not frivolous but mindful. Our bodies do so much for us that once in a while, we should remember to do something for them.

I wish you a relaxing spa day and a very happy Easter.

Arts and Crafts

“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
William Morris

William Morris has never really gone out of style and I believe that he still has much to teach us about living a life that is both aesthetically and practically pleasing. He was at the forefront of a movement to bring craftsmanship back into a world where mass production was the norm. And this was the nineteenth century! Although his main focus was textiles, his ideology spilled over into other mediums and continues to this day.

His philosophy was simply this: whenever possible, buy or make objects that serve a purpose and bring joy to the viewer. We are blessed with thousands of artisans in this country – and they need our support. In a world of built-in obsolescence and fast fashion, we can gain a great deal from the slow world of the hand-made. Recently, I used a bequest from my late father to buy a hand-made quilt. It is the best memorial. It keeps me cosy at night and cheers me every morning when I look at the intricate design.

My spring quilt by Louise Bell Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

Choices, choices

Of course, not many of us will have the time or skill to make something as exquisite as the quilt above. However, we can all make our lives a little more beautiful by investing in making practical objects for our homes or for our friends.

For me, choosing a medium is the hardest thing. There are so many wonderful arts and crafts to choose from. I confess to dabbling in quite a few, but I suspect that paper is my true calling. Origami, card making, paper cut, art journaling and calligraphy are all paper based and an endless form of entertainment. They are also very cheap. If you mess up an origami shape – you only waste a square of paper – and I have wasted dozens.

Recently, I have been blessed with the friendship and guidance of a professional calligrapher, Mary Shemza. If ever there were an exercise in patience, it was this. But pen, ink, paper and letters are what I live for, so this is clearly the medium for me.

Practice makes perfect(ish) Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

And this is how it’s really done:

Where art, calligraphy and poetry meet Image: Mary Shemza

I think that I have mentioned my craft group before, and what a talented bunch they are, with their skills encompassing: painting, pottery, needlework, quilting, paper crafts and knitting. And I’d like to honour them here with a sample of their work.

We are all amateurs, but I hope they will inspire you to take on one of these arts/crafts. An MA in Fine Arts is not a requirement for a fulfilling artistic life.

Painting

Each week, Jane C dazzles us with the latest work on her painting. It is fascinating to watch how a painting progresses and encouraging too. This is not a one off flash of brilliance, but a steady layering of skill until the final version is ready to be admired.

To stretch her already considerable talents further, Jane attends a weekly art class (now being conducted on-line) and I would encourage anyone attempting to take up any new skill to take advantage of tutoring/lessons. It is often tempting to think that we don’t need guidance in such matters and there certainly are many excellent self-taught artists out there. However, I don’t believe in making life more difficult than necessary. I’m very happy to learn from another’s mistakes and take advantage of their knowledge. I don’t have time for five or six years’ study at art school – so I’ll thank and learn from those who have!

Pottery

Another friend, Penny, has caught the pottery bug. She attends lessons at an arts collective in the town. Like many of the arts, pottery does not come cheap; however, by accessing materials and a kiln at nominal cost, she is able to pursue a hobby that might otherwise be prohibitively expensive. Having the advice of skilled potters to hand has also led to very high calibre work.

One of the advantages of this art is that it fulfils the requirement of being both useful and beautiful. I use her delightful cake plate regularly. William Morris would be proud.

The same applies to my other two friends who are brilliant needle-workers. Through their expertise with needle and thread they are able to transform the most simple of things – fabric – into beautiful and useful items. Jane B is the queen of quilts (and helped me make mine for my grand-daughter) and Jenny is the empress of embroidery.

Simple pillow cases are transformed by beautiful stitches Photo: Jenny Timberlake

A handmade quilt is a source of visual delight and comfort on a cold evening Photo: Jane Belcher

Each often uses their skill to make gifts for loved-ones and friends. And these gifts are far more precious than any store bought ones. So our hobby becomes an act of love, imbuing the object not simply with their unique qualities, but affection too.

Over the years, I have received a number of hand-made gifts that I cherish to this day. Some of the kindness, like the hours my friend Joanne must have spent making me a quilt after my MS diagnosis, is more than I can repay. Except in gratitude.

A square of Joanne Godden’s quilt Photo: Karen Costello-McFeat

And living beautifully is all about this – being grateful for the abilities we have and sharing the results . We do not need to be a member of a craft guild to qualify, we simply need to participate.

So, in these weeks and perhaps months ahead when life is so uncertain and isolated, I urge you to reconnect with a hobby you enjoy or perhaps find a new one. When life gives you lemons … create.

Top Notes – Making Music

Music certainly plays a large part in living beautifully. So much so that it requires its own post. Having suffered from an extremely irritating infection (not Corona – just a bog standard cold), I found that my vocal range didn’t extend much above middle C. This was somewhat problematic, as I’m a soprano!

Imagine my joy, therefore, when I found my voice had recovered sufficiently to sing. Imagine my despondency, though, after finding my voice, I lost my choir! Like all group enterprises, it has been forced to stop while the Corona virus stalks the nation. It will reconvene when it is deemed safe to do so, but that could be months away.

Fortunately, there is a solution. A few years ago, my choir mistress designed an App that allows you to sing as if you were at an actual choir session. This is a tool that I have often used to help me learn my part, but now it does much more than that.

With my little App, I can learn the lyrics, separate out the sopranos from altos, tenor and bass or bring them in to give me a sense of everyone being there. If I’m feeling brave, I can even record myself.

As things stand, this was clearly very prescient of Jane. So if you fancy singing in a choir but are unable to attend, this is perhaps the next best thing!

Sing Along – with YouTube!

When I’m on my exercise bike, I often use YouTube to find music to keep my spirits up. Occasionally, I would notice that the lyrics were included on the video and I’d try to sing along. (This does give away how weedy I am, as one should never be able to sing whilst exercising. But I’m just trying to keep my parts moving!)

The upside of this discovery was that I realised all I needed to do was key in the name of the song and add plus lyrics to give me an interactive experience. Now there is no excuse for only remembering the chorus.

Join a virtual choir

If you want to go one step further, you may want to check out Gareth Malone’s virtual choir. https://www.classicfm.com/artists/gareth-malone/choirmaster-gareth-malone-home-chorus-coronavirus/

I’m not sure if there are any places left in it, but I’m sure the results will be informative and entertaining as always.

Make a joyful noise

Since most of us have considerably more time than we are used to having, now might be the time to get the guitar out of the attic, wipe off the dust and start strumming.

I have played the piano intermittently since I was eight, but the pleasure I gain from the activity never wanes. And the joy of music is that you can share it. Only a total philistine would fail to be delighted by a delicate piano piece in the evening and if classical music is not your thing, it is not difficult to master a few chords on the guitar. With these, you can invite the family to sing along to their favourite rock or folk tunes. Even the humble recorder can make a truly lovely sound.

A word of caution though. Only the saintly (or your mother) will wish to listen to your practice, so if you are thinking of buying or returning to play an instrument, I’d recommend an electronic one you can play with head phones or commandeering a spare room. There are few things more demoralising to a budding musician than being asked to stop playing a piece again.

My piano, which never fails to bring me joy Image: Karen Costello-McFeat

Listen

We are not always in a position where we can sing or play, but we are usually in a position to hear. And what we listen to will bring different benefits. I’ve outlined the key forms here.

Classical music

Classical music is often seen as a ‘high brow’ option, but if we remember that opera – the most elitist of all musical forms – was originally a sort of soap opera with music for the masses, we should not be intimidated.

In addition to being, well, exquisite, classical music can be seriously good for us. The benefits to cognitive function, are, I believe well-known, but I was surprised to learn that it can also combat pain and depression as well as lowering blood pressure and aiding sleep. A dose of Classic FM a day may well keep the doctor away and make us more creative and productive in the process.

Pop and Rock

Whilst most of the benefits from music accrue from learning an instrument or listening to classical music, its popular cousin has its advantages also. The main one appears in fitness training: it should make you run faster (though I am hardly in a position to verify this). I certainly does make the time pass happily and aids in my motivation whilst on my exercise bike, though.

Whilst there is no evidence to suggest it will make you smarter, it can certainly make you happier. A good blast of a pop anthem is pretty much guaranteed raise as smile and listening to music when driving helps relieve boredom and even road rage. It can assuage anxiety too by providing a distraction from the stress of negotiating busy roads or apprehension concerning an upcoming meeting or appointment.

But if you really want to relax, then meditation music is designed for you.

Mood and meditation music

A moment of calm Image: Photo by Deniz Altindas on Unsplash

Music and spiritual practice are as co-joined as Siamese twins. The use of music in religious ceremonies is as old as time itself. The music may vary, but the intention is the same: to link the human with the divine.

When we listen to or sing certain forms of music our brain frequencies tune in and begin to mimic them, which is why listening to gentle mood music is so calming.

Meditation music helps an individual focus and become relaxed and mellow.
Zliving.com

Meditation music has all the benefits one would expect from a restful and gentle sound: reducing stress, heart rate, anxiety and even muscular pain (by relaxing the muscles). It can also help with those suffering from tinnitus by providing a background noise that quietens the ringing in the ears. And if you want a good night’s sleep – listen to meditation music for forty-five minutes before you go to bed and enjoy an adult version of the lullaby.

Whatever form of music you enjoy – singing, playing or listening – it is sure to add a beautiful note to your life. As for me, I’m keeping my spirits up by practising the wonderful Andrews Sisters’ song, ‘Accentuate the positive’. Here’s the first verse:

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with mister in-between

Definitely the song of the season.